Grow a Pair, part 3

At 8:30 the following morning the phone rang.  I knew it would be her.  I had wanted to have a conversation with this woman for almost two years and here I was about to answer the phone. I suddenly felt extremely apprehensive.  In my mind I had scripted what I would say to her if I ever got the chance.  But as I answered my mind clammed up. Not knowing what to say I simply said “hello”.

I wish that I had been able to record the conversation somehow, but I wasn’t prepared.  Maybe I didn’t think she would actually call.  I couldn’t even think of most of the questions I had wanted ask her.  I was shaking and nervous, I realized this could bring me  a lot of pain especially because this conversation could lead them into contact again. I hoped I wasn’t making a mistake.   I’ll do my best to recall the conversation.

I know that things started out cordial, I thanked her for calling me and admitted that it felt a bit awkward.  I explained that I had wanted to speak to her to possibly get answers to some of my questions.  Since husband wasn’t really very forthcoming.  I wish I could remember better but I was nervous and felt unprepared ( I really should of written out a list of questions to help me but I did not).

A bit of small talk about kids, and then she began by explaining that she was really sorry about being in the middle of our problems.  That it was a friendship that had escalated and kinda got out of control.  I asked her if they had ever met in person and hooked up?  And she stated NO.  I told her I find that hard to believe.  That since they were friends and during all the years (after working together) when they were in contact again that they never met for lunch or anything.  She said no.  Way back when they worked together yes they had had lunch, but not since then. Okay-maybe.  Then what went on between the two of you?  I could see that they felt never meeting in person meant they weren’t having an affair.  NOT!

She stated that mostly it was just two friends (I read “NOT JUST FRIENDS”) commiserating with one another about problems in marriages and life and they got a bit carried away.  Well what went on then? Mostly it was just flirty, baby talk to one another.  Both wishing that there was more promise in their marriages but finding that comfort with each other.  Made me kinda sick to my stomach.  My husband, baby talk?  Never been like that with me.

She said something about them realizing they were being inappropriate (yeah AFTER I discovered the text) and that they would end this and focus on repairing marriages.  That she hadn’t spoke to him since then.  Really?  I’m supposed to believe that?  And so how was her marriage going?  She tells me something about her and husband currently sleeping in seperate bedrooms and not a lot of progress in their marriage.  I commented something about well at least they have enough bedrooms in their house.  Then she says something about that they had to give up the big house they had because of expenses and the real estate bust a few years back.

Well I realized that she was not telling the truth about that.  Remember, I had gone to the town she lives in and had observed her there.  It occurred to me that she could be lying about all of it.  Or not.  Possibly she hoped I didn’t know where she lived and wouldn’t show up at her door to confront her.  Or maybe her husband didn’t know what had gone on between them and was nervous about her own can of worms.  I don’t know.  She could be playing me to the hilt, or simply deflecting fallout from our conversation.  I wish I was more prepared with questions but it felt weird talking to her about it.

We talked for a little less than an hour and in the end she told me that it was wrong of them to have slipped over the edge of that proverbial slope (my words not hers).  She assured me that they had never been intimate and guaranteed me that they never would.  That she understands now that it was wrong to have interacted they way they did. Since she had lied to me I really didn’t know what to believe.  She was probably trying to play down the whole thing save face for herself and my H, I mean did I really think she would admit the whole truth to me? No not really, but I needed to hear the tone of her voice, how she phrased things and what her reactions were.

I thanked her again for speaking with me and told her I didn’t blame her for his actions, I had no hard feelings towards her and wished her well in her marriage and life.

Aughh- I did it- had a conversation with her- but I felt I hadn’t handled as well as I could of.  Still didn’t know if any of my questions were really answered.  I was taught that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar and figured if I was abrasive she wouldn’t say anything helpful.  But now I wish I had been more direct- calling a spade a spade and shaking her up a bit more.  But I am a bit doormat-ish (believe it or not) when it comes to confrontation.

Shortly there after I received an text from her. (her in italicize, me in bold)

I’m super glad we chatted.  I hope u can rest ur mind on everything.  I promise u one wife to another no line ever crossed nor will it ever.  I will always consider ur husband (she said his name) and u as a friend and wish the best for u both.

Thank-you for your kind words-it means a lot to know the truth- What is your address, I have something i’d like to send you.  I do hope things work out in a positive way for you and your family.  Sincerely wishing good for you.

She then texted back an address

I didn’t really have anything I wanted to send (rat poison- just kidding!). But wondered what address she would give me.  The address was to a hardware store whose phone numbers had shown up on our bill in the past.  Her family must own it or something.  Why wouldn’t she just give me her real address?  Maybe her husband didn’t know a thing and might question something received at house.  Okay I could understand that.  But what was I going to send?

I remembered a little book I had been given years ago titled Secrets for Woman by J. Donald Walters.  It has a little bit of wisdom for everyday of the month- some good quotes and decided that was what I would send. I ordered one from Amazon.  I also wanted to send a letter so I could say some of the things that I had wanted to but didn’t during our conversation.

I began to write a draft of the letter while I waited for the book. There were some things that I needed to say to her.  This letter might be the last opportunity to make some things clear to her.  A very important letter- I think it took me four days to get to a final draft.  The last and final post in “grow a pair” to follow soon.

Yes you will get to see the letter.

Really? But They Seemed Like Such A Nice Family, So Normal

Once during one of our “discussions”, he had said to me that “everything is not all about you”.  While on the surface this could be seen as a hurtful statement, I understood (I think) what he meant by that even though he may not realize it.  Doing so would mean he must acknowledge the dysfunction in his family of origin.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that all abuse is mean, direct, straight forward, name calling, drunken beatings in a lower, deprived class of people.  That is so NOT TRUE at all .  Sometimes it is blended into what is basically a warm and loving family.  This family wants what is loving and nurturing and healthy for it but (for whatever) reason in their history something stained it .  Sometimes it goes outwardly bad, easy to recognize.  Other times it grows inwardly, causing it to be sickened despite still wanting what is good.

To own this means you acknowledge  what was always presented as “perfect”, simply is not so. It is not the truth. It is a facade, all for outward appearances  It hurts to realize that your behavior was (albeit unintentional) detrimental to yourself and the one you created. If you refuse to accept this as part of your reality, you deceive yourself.  When you finally (maybe) see a glimpse of it for what it is, it’s too painful so you push it away.  Don’t acknowledge ,then it won’t be true.  Otherwise people will recognize it for the facade it was. To cover up the pain that sometimes comes along with the love, within families.

My husbands’ inability to acknowledge any of this (in our family or his FOO), is ultimately what was the cause of his affair/s. However I feel like I do see moments of a little understanding from him.  I think I’ll call it vague recognition, like when you know but you really don’t want to know. If you never acknowledge it then it can never be real.  He doesn’t want it to be that he grew up in this type of family. Who would? But not acknowledging it is catching up with him, and that is what he meant when he said “It’s not always all about you”. At least that’s what I think because I see hints of recognition from him every now and then.

Maybe I am trying to read his mind.  I have to . He doesn’t share whats going on inside very well, if at all.  This is the life of a covert narcissist.  Wishing that everything is perfect (who doesn’t) but can’t accept that life is just not really that way. We are all human with flaws and imperfections.  I think one of the most appropriate descriptions of this is from Christopher Leasch in a book he wrote a long time ago about Narcissism (can’t remember exact title).  He describes a covert narcissist as someone who;

“Although perfectly capable of lighting candles, prefers cursing the darkness”

But people pretend (families pretend, sometimes for generations) and when it eventually catches up with some of them, they try to cast that away.  Which causes hurt , to them, their significant other and children, basically their immediate family.

I guess that’s where the saying “you only hurt the the ones you love” may have come from.

That’s what I believe he means by the “it’s not all about you” statement.  That he is recognizing that much of the strife between us, was not always about us.  It was about him.  And he knows that deep inside. Even if he refuses to outwardly admit that and accept it.Heck my family of origin was pretty screwed up as well – I admit it is the root of a lot of my own issues.  I don’t like it but I acknowledge.  I know I brought baggage from childhood into my family. I know that husband and I are the ones responsible for the problems that our kids deal with.  He does not like when I say that. I don’t either but you just got to own it to change anything, ever.

I am glad to say that not all betrayeds are dealing with a narcissistic spouse.  Many may not even know or have come in contact with this type of person. If you have, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t tell, you were on the outside, looking in and weren’t privy to such behavior.  It is not uncommon for this type of spouse  (narcissistic) to go on undetected by others for a long time.  One of my good friends (who knows of my husband’s affair and is very supportive of me) even said to me recently,  “I believe you, but I just don’t see it”.

It made me realize that there may be others who cannot see it, for what it is-COVERT ABUSE!  The link below is an excellent website about understanding Narcissism written by Michael Samsel MA, LMHC. The specific article titled Narcissism as ‘Difficult behavior’  explains it so well   If you don’t have time (right now) to read the entire article (although I reccommend it )– PLEASE scroll down to the last paragraph or two that are specific to covert abuse.

It’s time for people to understand this about our society, in hopes of making changes so we educate young people on how to prevent this from happening.  We Must break the generational cycle somehow, someway.  It is destroying what are basically good people and their families. No one deserves the pain abuse causes. Sometimes, affairs can be a symptom of underlying abuse.  We need no reminders of how painful the discovery of an affair can be.  If you’ve been there you will know what I mean.

How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.

 

When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO BUT NEVER POSTED- MY BAD!

 

When you suffer the pain of infidelity, the heartache of an emotional  or physical affair, deception in your marriage, a disconnect from the one you thought was that “soulmate”, when it looks like your marriage is coming to and end, you begin to think “is this it?”,  “Is this really the end of our relationship?” It most definitely feels like it.

Yet for some untold reason you stay together, sort of. Both remain in the relationship and continue day to day, but are they really there? I mean their hearts. You see their bodies but do you feel their heart?  If your answer is NO! Then why stay? I just couldn’t think of the right words to describe this until I read a post written by Douglas LaBier PhD.;  Caught Between “Longing” vs. “Settling” in your marriage.  In which he describes this dilemma so perfectly:

                     

                       “caught between feelings of longing for a relationship ideal that they think, might be real but unfulfilled

                              and a pull towards settling for what they have, with all it’s imperfections and disappointments”.

That was it, the word I couldn’t put my finger on. The word is  SETTLED.    It didn’t feel like he was choosing me, it felt like…

He was settling on me.

Settling because He felt comfortable with me.  That certainly makes me feel so special.   Even with all my imperfections and disappointments I’m still comfortable, I guess that’s how I see it.  I’m good enough to be the slave laborer but not enough to be the desired one.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie My Best Friends Wedding “You order creme brulee but what you really want is jello, jello is comfortable.” I guess I am jello.  Not good enough to make you only want jello, but brulee is something you only want sometimes.  Which is the lesser insult?

He simply cant make up his mind.   I imagine it is fear, fear of the unknown.  I’ll take a guess, that this is happening for both of us.  I try to wrap my mind around  what being single again, after 20 years of marriage , would actually be be like.  Especially in this technological, youth oriented, narcissistic world we live in today.  How does someone who still has empathy survive in this world of wolves, without being eaten alive again?

I’m not really looking forward to it in all honesty.

I HATE infidelity!!!

 

 

Are your needs being met??

After the discovery of infidelity in your marriage, did you and your spouse remain together, trying to heal and repair the situation? If you did, you’re not alone. Most surveys indicate that the majority of couples DO try to work through the situation and remain married. For this to happen most experts agree, there are certain things that are required for reconciliation to be successful. Remorse, regret, humility, shame, guilt, restitution, transparency to name just a few.

Maybe you’re like me, You decide to offer enough forgiveness to get communication going between the two of you again. The winding road back from infidelity is long and and can be very bumpy, but you’re getting along fairly well, having some fun. Maybe even having sex again. Yet, the pain from betrayal (whether emotional or physical) doesn’t seem to subside, the affair can still fill your thoughts, possibly non-stop. You’re still hurting and yet your spouse seem to resume their lives and basically act like the infidelity never happened at all.

Does it feel like your the only one making changes to help recovery along? You begin to wonder, they told me they were sorry, they made a mistake, didn’t mean to hurt me, but are they TRULY SORRY? Because they just don’t act like it. They may say one thing and then do another. No follow through.

Unmet needs tends to be a common reason mentioned that becomes a catalyst in some affairs. So during your healing you may have made sure that you try to address those things (not just sex either) to ensure that your doing your part on improving the relationship. We betrayed spouses have needs as well and they are all vitally important to the healing after infidelity. In my opinion, the #1 reason that we continue to doubt them is; that we need to know that you are TRULY, TRULY SORRY for what you have done. That you understand how much pain and suffering your affair has caused us.

So if you are in the midst of healing after recovery – let me ask you ARE YOUR NEEDS BEING MET? Is your spouse doing all they can to help you heal? Or are they only focused on the pain of being caught? Don’t like that they are now branded a cheater? And why is it, that despite stating they don’t want the marriage to end, they seem unable to understand any of it from our point of view? Show any empathy which would indicate they understand the depth of our pain?

Dr. Bob from Break Free from the Affair describes this so perfectly in his post titled How do you know if your significant other is TRULY sorry for what he /she did?

” Frequently in my coaching sessions, I hear the BS WANTING and NEEDING to FEEL that the CS is truly sorry.

* in some cases it just doesn’t seem genuine or enough

* the cheater, out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about it

* the cheater, fearful of the feelings of the BS may also attempt to put it behind them

* the BS is often looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. THAT remorse often does not
appear.

* the cheater may say “I’m Sorry”, but the depth of those words are called into question

An EXPRESSION of the apology or heart felt remorse is often seen as the tipping point in the ability to
trust now or in the future.”

Wow! reading that last statement really hit the nail on the head for me. My CS wasn’t doing much to make sure that I felt safe with him. That he understands how hurtful and destructive his actions and choices were to me. I get that him being a narcissist, most the emotions required to heal (remorse, regret etc) are not in their personal book of feelings, so I just waited hoping that he could see my need for something to happen, (tipping point) demonstrating that he gets it. Dr. Bob said it perfectly “an expression of the apology with the heart felt remorse.

It could of took on many different forms and worked for me. He could of said something like ” Oh chely, I’m so thankful that you didn’t walk out on me that d-day. So thankful you’ve given me the opportunity to make this up to you”. Or any number of other kind and loving things that he could try. So I waited and patiently waited some more. Our anniversary was fast approaching, our 20th anniversary (Jan 28th). I thought maybe he’s waiting so he can express that without feeling so bad about himself, on our anniversary. I mean I’ve waited for over a year for some gesture/expression as Dr. Bob describes.

I even wondered if he might forget (he did think it was the 19th year). But a couple of days before he began to talk a bit about what to do for anniversary, mentioned that in Feb. (Valentines Day) since we are going to stay in my favorite hotel in Half Moon Bay that, that was kinda part of our celebration. WAIT A MINUTE! You mean to tell me the trip you had already told me about is now also part of our anniversary celebration. I think NOT. So he asked me to go to dinner, it was a week night so we were to meet at the Chilis in town at 7pm.

Now don’t think i’m an ungrateful bitch, but this is where we normally go on our date nights- so I don’t get how this celebrates this 20 year milestone. Then I thought, maybe he is planning to give me a really great gift so doesn’t want to go over board on the restaurant. I really almost didn’t want to go. But I’ll bite and see what he has planned. If I was finally going to get the expression of his feelings about me (which are kinda like remorse for a narcissist), about us, about his affair and AP. Then I must notice the positive things as well as the negative ones.

So we meet in the parking lot, and he has flowers in his hand (just a mixed bouquet not roses), and a big potted mum plant. We had dinner, (I had two cocktails and a shot, I had a feeling I needed more) and chatted and that was it. No card, no expression in the way of a good gift, no I’m so thankful you didn’t leave me. No tipping point for me.

How will I ever trust him again? I really don’t think I will ever be able to. I didn’t let him know how disappointed I was in him. That I feel like this entire reconciliation is just a big joke, a fraud for the world to see, not what is truly going on here. Since most everything revolves around him his needs, his wants, it makes me realize that I will never receive what I truly need to get over this. And despite that we can enjoy each others company, live together and be married, I’m not sure if he has ever really loved ME. I don’t know if he loves “her” either, (since it appears they have not had any physical contact, but there’s always those damn smart phones to keep things up close and personal). Maybe he was done with her and has moved onto the next target already? Who knows? I don’t believe that he can just give up so quickly someone who he, has had an emotional connection for years.

But the time is just about here for me to call him out on his failure to deliver. His narcissistic ways, the job that gives him more than enough freedom to continue his pursuits without me knowing. The way he continues to disregard me and my point of view, (Okay the sex has been pretty good, but that’s just not enough to be the glue to hold us together anymore). It’s time for him to know I’ve seen an attorney, I know my rights and if you continue to use your SOP, whether your still cheating or not, I’m done. You will loose me and have to admit to all that you have failed. I’m now pretty sure the reason he didn’t walk out on me that first d-day, I bet once he saw how much he would have to pay me he made his decision pretty quickly. As I’ve said before the saying “it’s cheaper to keep her” is the best analogy of my situation. Yes I got my sign from him. His actions DO NOT match his words. This is your last opportunity MOFO – so you better kiss me cuz you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone!

Are your needs being met?
Step back and LOOK at your situation through different eyes.
I hope your answer is YES!

The most important letter ever- chisled on a stone tablet!

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes, from different backgrounds, ethnicities and social cultures, male or female. Most abuse, whether it’s emotional, verbal, physical or sexual, is carried out covertly, like a stealth fighter sneaking into position over its target. It’s no wonder anyone who endures abuse for extended periods of time, develop symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) It can feel like your loosing your mind- slowly. Even when you know it is WRONG, you are unable to break free from their hold over you. Narcissistic personalities can range from very subtle to overtly extreme, or anywhere in between. When required to delve deeper into their motives, fears, whishes and needs they use “weak sentimentality”, to distance themselves from their own emotions as well as their from their loved ones. Any suggested help, advice or concerned inquiries are immediately cast as intentional humiliation.

Therefore any message that is being conveyed must be incisive (though not hurtful or humiliating). It must be CLEAR, UNEQUIOVAL, UNAMBIGUOS AND CONSISTENT to begin to penetrate into their minds. As I am not an expert, this is my personal opinion, from reading lots and lots of articles and the book Malignant Narcissism by Sam Vaknin Ph.D.

(http://samvak.tripod.com/index html/malignant-self-love/narcissism). All this information is totally FREE.

This site has extensive information about how to recognize the various types of narcissism, as well as typical behaviors. It is very in-depth and has a TON of information, although if you’re not into scientific reading some of it may be hard to grasp. I stayed up all night and still didn’t read it all. It is an excellent resource for finding out if you are in this type of relationship. However what they don’t delve into, is the DEALING WITH & LIVING WITH a narcissistic person. Because for various reasons some of us DO stay in relationships with our narcissists. It is the book that helped me realize I too am a narcissist (co-dependant) and that I had even MORE work to do to heal myself!

So let me tie this together for you as it pertains to my circumstances:

Deciding to stay together after discovering my husbands affair, I knew there were some things that needed to happen, for us to really remain married. From my reading, about surviving and healing from a spouses’ affair, in a healthy relationship there are a few things that just about all websites or books stated need to happen for a marriage to survive infidelity: 1) remorse for what they did 2) steps to show honesty and transparency in their lives- no more secrets 3) MUST END AFFAIR-ALL CONTACT 4) show willingness to make amends to you and make you feel safe again & work on issues from marriage. Your marriage doesn’t stand much of a chance without these!

“Oh shit, I might be in trouble here”, I thought. It had been almost three months since D-day and truthfully while we were still together and getting along, basically we didn’t have any of those four in place, OUCH! We had talked some, he revealed some details (mixed in with lies) stated he was sorry, he felt ashamed and humiliated, even though he did NOT consider it an affair. Ya it’s that getting caught thing, he really was sorry for! (looking back I can see ways he was trying to show me or clue me in as to what was going on but I was being blind). He really wasn’t showing ANY transparency or I felt honesty either. He DID end the affair (although I think it took him a month or so), but put a password on his phone, when he caught me looking at I, again. And as far as willingness, well let me just say no flowers, no heartfelt apology and no truth- really nothing in his behavior, only his words tried to persuade me of his intentions. I still had questions that I wanted answers to but it wasn’t happening, he just continued on like normal, except even more “not there”. I had even tried confronting him stating that “I knew the basic truth and if he didn’t own up to it – I was outta there”. Still nothing, no change! So here I am working on all the things that he complained that I “neglected” and he cheats on me (a very long emotional & maybe sexual affair-pretty sure but no actual proof)! and it seemed like nothing was changing no matter what I tried. It didn’t seem very f—n fair at all! I was making those changes but at this point with no support from him, so what I was doing, I was doing for me. It felt like i’d already wasted such a huge portion of my life, unhappy and emotionally abused, (please don’t think i’m blaming him for our marriage breaking down – I certainly did my fair share of hurtful things), that I needed to change for me FIRST and the relationship second.

Somewhere I had read the terms passive/aggressive and narcissism years earlier, but I never understood like I understand now. This time around I had more power (thanks to this wonderful technological world we live in) and I turned to the internet for answers. Many years back, we had tried counseling, even a couple different counselors. One actually said to us in a session (after like 6 sessions); “you both seem like bright, intelligent, “with it” people, i’m wondering why you two still don’t seem to get it (what i’m trying to teach you)”. Oh how I wish I could of learned about narcissism back then. Maybe I could saved myself, years of hurt and of course, the ultimate heartache of infidelity. Basically, I realized I needed a different approach or my marriage was probably over. So I sat down, and really thought, long and hard, about if I could offer that “olive branch” to him and still live with myself. I could, I will (or at least I will try). So I sat down and drafted a letter, let me clarify quickly: I had already implemented many things; getting up and dressed everyday, cooking, cleaning, looking for work, not yelling all the time and showing/doing affectionate things for my spouse -oh and have & enjoy sex more often (i’ll tell you more about this tomorrow)!

It wasn’t fair he has the affair and i’m doing all the work! I was ready to just give up on this whole nightmare! I had already given almost 19 years of my life to him -I’M NOT GIVING ANYMORE UNLESS THINGS BECOME DIFFERENT! I had to shed the person I had become; empty, lifeless, shell of a person and find the one I knew from a long time ago, the stronger me, self assured me, the person I was before I met him. I knew this letter had to come from a position of power& strength, along with love & understanding and set the new boundaries that I required. So I drafted a plan, a letter, not to be mailed though. I decided, I would read it to him, so I put emphasis and pauses where it was crucial. Our talks would always end up in an argument. I would always start to yell, say things I don’t mean to, forget things I needed to say or everything just me out wrong. So I would write everything down, exactly the way I needed to say it, so I don’t mess it up. I needed him to hear the emotion in my voice and at so I don’t forget a single thing I needed to say. (in case he thought it was weird me reading it, like a script, I simply said this is the most important conversation I will have ever have with you and I don’t want to mess it up). He was cool with that. And since I had written it down – I can share with you what I said:

“Because this relationship is so important to me, I’ve decided that I only want to look forward. We have BOTHinflicted hurt and been hurt! Enough is enough! What’s done is done, it’s time for NO MORE hurt. Let’s end this blame game. I only want to focus on the good we have and start moving forward. I want you to know how much your love means to me. I want to share with you my ALL! My passion, my dreams, my aspirations and all my love! But I need you to understand what it takes for me to give these… …..I NEED A MONOGOMOUS, LOVING, CARING, TRUSTING AND RESPECTFUL PARTNERSHIP WITH THE MAN I LOVE, ADORE AND ADMIRE! I need you to know that I am COMMITTED to this relationship, so you understand that I am not leaving you, nor will I ever, there will be no more talk of that. I am here with you, through all of lifes’ up and downs, to stand by your SIDE, HOLDING HANDS, so TOGETHER we can face any adversity. I want to put away all negativity and focus ONLY ON THE GOOD THINGS WE HAVE IN OUR LIFE. If this, marriage ends it will be because you have chosen that not me. We can do this babe- everything we have good is riding on this. I believe you want this to!! Then I just sat there with a smiling but serious face and let him think about it…. ….and I waited for a response….
Manana chely5150

<blockquote>quote of the day

“denying the dignity of one’s partner has consequences not only for relationship, stability respons and happiness – but for HEALTH!

egalitarian-Jan. 1, 2014

How do I get that dirty, rotten rat to quit running his race in my head? aka: forgiveness

QUICK NOTE:  Yesterdays’ post was accidently published as a page and I haven’t been able to switch it yet.  (Yes sometimes i’m a “bonehead”)  So if you’d like to read yesterdays’ post go to the page titled “I Blew It!” 

 

While writing the post “what to do when the floor…”,  I began to experience dreaded feelings, related of course, to my husbands’ affair.  It was like a movie that’s on a loop player, playing the same thing over and over and over-never stopping.  Those scenerios , pictures I created in my head, about my husbands’ affair.  AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!! Get out of my head!!  I had to take a step back, slow my brain down(i’m really loving this blogging thing), I didn’t want to get stuck in that loop again.  I thought I had filed it away; gone but not forgotten. I know what you’re thinking right now, “yeah right – how in the hell did you manage that?  Well let me back up a little …

 

Currently my husband and I are still together. The evening of D-day he returned home after work (I had texted him during the day requesting that he return so we could talk).  As we began to talk I asked if he wanted a divorce.  I figured I’d just throw that out there to see if that was truly what he wanted. While he answered some of my questions I’ve found that his answers were fairly typical by that I mean half truth/half lies (or what I call his version of the truth).  He explained how he hadn’t been happy for a long time and just needed a friend to talk to, that they were “JUST FRIENDS”. ( Oh how I despise those two words.)  I told that I had been unhappy too -the difference was I DIDN’T GO OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR!   He really didn’t think he was having one!  I needed answers, but mostly I needed to know if it was over.  We agreed that we both wanted to try and he would end it and never speak to her again. The first weeks, even first months I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it (certainly not all the way out of the woods yet).  It turns out the women he had been having affair with is someone he has known for a long time.  He worked with her many years ago, our family has even gone to BBQ or two at her house years ago.  She was nice enough, I always felt there was a little chemistry between them, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I DO believe men and women can be friends (and we had made our extra commitment). -just watch for that slippery slope (another post).  So we trudged on each day trying to be nice,  and I continued to read.  I began working on ME!  doing the things I knew that I had to do, whether we stayed together or not.  You know like get a job, get dressed everyday and clean house and cook way more than I had been.   I mean it was time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back in the real world and if at the end of it (what they call recovery period 1-2 years) if we’re still together, GREAT!  If not, I would not only survive but thrive (I prayed).  I needed this time because I was not ready to be on my own,  (and you know what they say; that best revenge it to LIVE WELL!).  And yes sometime to work on my marriage too!

 

Sometimes it feels unrealistic, to think that it is possible,  to NOT think of your partners affair.  The goal is to get to the point where the “thinking” of the affair isn’t an obsession, that the triggers don’t automatically bring all the painful emotions, back to the surface.  How I, was able to do this, is by learning as much information  about affairs as you can, so you are able to look at things with a different perspective -a filter of sorts.  For me, this allowed a rational understanding of the situation, to become stronger than my emotional reactions.  As you lessen the “emotional control”  the affair has on your life,  you can begin to feel some control of yourself and emotions. 

 

While my husband “said” that he wanted to work on our marriage It really felt like he was just going through the motions.  I mean he’s here with me but it was empty, like I had won the battle but not the war.  I didn’t understand it,  I was implementing some of the various strategies I had read about, was working on myself personally and doing the household things I had neglected, so why wasn’t it getting better.  One of the most crucial things I’ve learned is that my husband is a narcissist. And I am an inverted narcissist (co-dependant), and that many of the traditional suggestions simply don’t work with these types of people.  As a matter of fact, most websites that talk about relationships with a narcissist really don’t offer much advice, except to run – get away from that person, they will never change. The paradox of narcissim is that individuals can be both entertaining & exciting as well as aggressive & manipulative.  Everyone has some narcissim within them, in healthy measures this is ones’ confidence , self-suffciencey, and self-esteem.  But when someone has increased or extremely high levels, these qualities are escalated to unhealthy, even toxic types of behaviors such as; over inflated ego, vanity, entitlement, and exploitiveness (and more) exist at the other end of the spectrum.  -from article by Scott Barry Kaufman 2-5-2011

 Not good news for me, as I still loved my husband, my family, my life and damnit I was going to give up without a fight.  I knew I had to continue to search.  I found a website called www.narcissimcured.com, it was different, some of their ideas were unconvenential maybe even controversial.  All I knew was, that their descriptions, of the types of behaviors were dead on and they weren’t telling me to give up!  I felt that there was hope.  So I read everything about passive-aggressive relationships, depersonalization and narcissism that I could get me fingertips on especially the articles from narcisissim cured.  Basically what I learned is that the situation with someone who has these traits is that they are insecure individuals, frightened, of failure, abandonment, unfulfilled dreams and love all wrapped up in a false package for the world to see, and the thing they want the most they will push away.  Lifes’ blueprint for us exposes us to things that shape us as people, not always for the good.  So Kim Cooper of narcissism cured -who lived through and healed her narcissistic relationship- talks about how these types of personalities don’t open-up they feel very little outward remorse due to their life blueprint (my next new term-lol).   In a nutshell what most relationship/affair rescue sites listed as the number one thing that had to happen if the relationship was going to heal is remorse/transparency and that needed to happen BEFORE you offer any type of forgiveness.  This was the exact opposite of what Kim Cooper was suggesting.  That with this type of person you had to show them that your willing to give your trust EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT to get them to move forward with you.  You make the first gesture in forgiveness,  I think of it as offering the “olive branch” put forth by you to make them understand you, so they may begin to feel empathy.  WOW!  Could I do that? Could I really offer my forgiveness at this point, he sure as hell didn’t deserve it, but you know I had made some mistakes in the past (NOT AN AFFAIR-NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO THAT) mostly to do with money.  So maybe I owed our relationship this chance.  I decided  I would think about it as a possibility, everything else I was trying didn’t really make it better. We were like two strangers pretending that we were married.  And then it happened, I read something that made me think “what the hell I’ve got nothing to loose and everything to gain” Something totally different may be what it takes for you. I was talking with my one friend who knows about affair and she said to me “girl maybe you should act like a lady but think like a man”.  I kinda laughed and said ok how do I do that?  She explained that, that was the name of a book by the TV host Steve Harvey and that he had lots of ideas about relationships.  So I immediately went and googled it, and discovered there’s an excerpt from the book.  It’s actually a book of quotes by him, and as I read down the page there were so many good ones- I loved it and then I read the one that helped me make the decision of what I was going to do…      …. I was going to offer my forgiveness.  I was going to offer the “olive branch”.

 

                QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“Women can go over it again and again in their minds.- “I didn’t do this right”, “I wasn’t good enough”, “I didn’t love him the way I should of”, “She came in here and out performed me”-but the fact still remains he didn’t have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man’s actions- just do it for yourselves.  Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from preforming in your next encounter.  You simply cannot drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror”.     -Steve Harvey

 

Manana   Chely 5150