There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently. It has to do with a brain that works overtime, overtime that never reaches the end of the shift. Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine. For me it has been learning trying to live again and cope with life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.
Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop. I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill. It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder. OMG am I disordered? Because I still find it difficult to empty my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away. And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.
The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow, my mind kinda moves on to other things. But then I find a window and begin catching up, and my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more. I needed a break. My brain needed a break. It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.
So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ? After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop? If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions. Maybe it’s all make believe. There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it, it will begin to push your partner away. If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward. But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.
It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?
Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily? No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him? Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else. I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial. He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside. Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless, I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.