How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.



9 thoughts on “How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

  1. zombiedrew2 says:

    Just found your blog and have read a bit. I’m curious about a few things. You mention:

    “It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good?”

    That’s something I think many long term couples can relate to, whether there has been an affair or not. This feeling of being together, and having things pretty good – but still feeling disconnected and alone.

    It hurts, and is one of the worst feelings I think someone can experience. When you still care, and you look at them and seem them right there. Physically there are close enough to touch. But emotionally? They may as well be on another planet.

    And you wonder, why? Why did they check out? Where did they go? Why don’t they seem to want to be there still? Why is it so hard?

    If you ever find answers, let me know.


    • chely5150 says:

      Hi there- Thanks Zombiedrew2 for stopping in and commenting. To answer your question… I know that part of our situation is that his narcissistic tendancies inhibit his ability to share his thoughts and feelings. It’s just how they are and in some ways something I must accept about him, if I am in to continue in this marriage. Part of it may be our history, he has always been somewhat unforthcoming about what he feels possibly someone used something against him that he shared in the past. Also having not married until the age of 37 (and only two relationships prior) and being the youngest with the other two over eight years older and not around much he simply learned to cope on his own. Sometimes I think that maybe I read too much into it, I mean he doesn’t share much but when I sometimes look ar other couples we know I can see how in many ways we are MORE connected than most of them (emotionally). I know they say you can’t bring back that “honeymoon” period of one’s relationship but I can’t help but feel that the passion doesn’t have to die out as long as both parties work on it and mix it up, be spontaneous, be playful, let your partner know how you feel about them. And it seems to be working, but I can’t shake that nagging feeling, (after his affair) when he’s disconnected that he is just not being open and honest with me. He has many mid-life crisis issues he personally has to address as well as a demanding job,so I try to be understanding when he is aloof. When I do on occasion ask he may reply that he’s not stressing over us I should quit worrying. Maybe it’s just me, insecurities and fear of abandonment and all that crap that us co-dependents are saddled with. Time will tell.

      Enjoy reading your blog- keep writing you’ve got some excellent perspectives on love and life. If you ever have any answers for me as well… do share. A man’s take on all of this is so helpful to me as I try to understand the big picture.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lost says:

    I think about it all constantly. I lay awake in bed. At about 4-5 hours of sleep each night if I am lucky.


    • chely5150 says:

      Welcome-I have to say that i’m a bit curious when you say you think about it all the time, since you an acknowledged cheater (sorry) when you say you think of it often, in what way do you mean? Can you explain?


      • Lost says:

        I think about the affair. I think about her. I wonder why she lies, misleads and omits information to trap men. I wonder why she had such a large influence on me and the changes in my life because of her. Nothing has ever changed me as her and our relationship did. I wonder why my wife still loves, wants and needs me. I wonder what the future holds. I wonder when I will move the place I live now because I dislike it here so much. Will my wife move with me. How I could have been so naive and stupid to take her at her word. Why did she lie when I asked her questions. Why does she still cross my mind. Why why why. I hope thus,answers your question. You may ask me anything.


  3. chely5150 says:

    Thanks -good to be among friends who understand!


  4. Get it girl!! Good to see you in my reader 🙂


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