How do I get that dirty, rotten rat to quit running his race in my head? aka: forgiveness

QUICK NOTE:  Yesterdays’ post was accidently published as a page and I haven’t been able to switch it yet.  (Yes sometimes i’m a “bonehead”)  So if you’d like to read yesterdays’ post go to the page titled “I Blew It!” 


While writing the post “what to do when the floor…”,  I began to experience dreaded feelings, related of course, to my husbands’ affair.  It was like a movie that’s on a loop player, playing the same thing over and over and over-never stopping.  Those scenerios , pictures I created in my head, about my husbands’ affair.  AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!! Get out of my head!!  I had to take a step back, slow my brain down(i’m really loving this blogging thing), I didn’t want to get stuck in that loop again.  I thought I had filed it away; gone but not forgotten. I know what you’re thinking right now, “yeah right – how in the hell did you manage that?  Well let me back up a little …


Currently my husband and I are still together. The evening of D-day he returned home after work (I had texted him during the day requesting that he return so we could talk).  As we began to talk I asked if he wanted a divorce.  I figured I’d just throw that out there to see if that was truly what he wanted. While he answered some of my questions I’ve found that his answers were fairly typical by that I mean half truth/half lies (or what I call his version of the truth).  He explained how he hadn’t been happy for a long time and just needed a friend to talk to, that they were “JUST FRIENDS”. ( Oh how I despise those two words.)  I told that I had been unhappy too -the difference was I DIDN’T GO OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR!   He really didn’t think he was having one!  I needed answers, but mostly I needed to know if it was over.  We agreed that we both wanted to try and he would end it and never speak to her again. The first weeks, even first months I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it (certainly not all the way out of the woods yet).  It turns out the women he had been having affair with is someone he has known for a long time.  He worked with her many years ago, our family has even gone to BBQ or two at her house years ago.  She was nice enough, I always felt there was a little chemistry between them, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I DO believe men and women can be friends (and we had made our extra commitment). -just watch for that slippery slope (another post).  So we trudged on each day trying to be nice,  and I continued to read.  I began working on ME!  doing the things I knew that I had to do, whether we stayed together or not.  You know like get a job, get dressed everyday and clean house and cook way more than I had been.   I mean it was time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back in the real world and if at the end of it (what they call recovery period 1-2 years) if we’re still together, GREAT!  If not, I would not only survive but thrive (I prayed).  I needed this time because I was not ready to be on my own,  (and you know what they say; that best revenge it to LIVE WELL!).  And yes sometime to work on my marriage too!


Sometimes it feels unrealistic, to think that it is possible,  to NOT think of your partners affair.  The goal is to get to the point where the “thinking” of the affair isn’t an obsession, that the triggers don’t automatically bring all the painful emotions, back to the surface.  How I, was able to do this, is by learning as much information  about affairs as you can, so you are able to look at things with a different perspective -a filter of sorts.  For me, this allowed a rational understanding of the situation, to become stronger than my emotional reactions.  As you lessen the “emotional control”  the affair has on your life,  you can begin to feel some control of yourself and emotions. 


While my husband “said” that he wanted to work on our marriage It really felt like he was just going through the motions.  I mean he’s here with me but it was empty, like I had won the battle but not the war.  I didn’t understand it,  I was implementing some of the various strategies I had read about, was working on myself personally and doing the household things I had neglected, so why wasn’t it getting better.  One of the most crucial things I’ve learned is that my husband is a narcissist. And I am an inverted narcissist (co-dependant), and that many of the traditional suggestions simply don’t work with these types of people.  As a matter of fact, most websites that talk about relationships with a narcissist really don’t offer much advice, except to run – get away from that person, they will never change. The paradox of narcissim is that individuals can be both entertaining & exciting as well as aggressive & manipulative.  Everyone has some narcissim within them, in healthy measures this is ones’ confidence , self-suffciencey, and self-esteem.  But when someone has increased or extremely high levels, these qualities are escalated to unhealthy, even toxic types of behaviors such as; over inflated ego, vanity, entitlement, and exploitiveness (and more) exist at the other end of the spectrum.  -from article by Scott Barry Kaufman 2-5-2011

 Not good news for me, as I still loved my husband, my family, my life and damnit I was going to give up without a fight.  I knew I had to continue to search.  I found a website called, it was different, some of their ideas were unconvenential maybe even controversial.  All I knew was, that their descriptions, of the types of behaviors were dead on and they weren’t telling me to give up!  I felt that there was hope.  So I read everything about passive-aggressive relationships, depersonalization and narcissism that I could get me fingertips on especially the articles from narcisissim cured.  Basically what I learned is that the situation with someone who has these traits is that they are insecure individuals, frightened, of failure, abandonment, unfulfilled dreams and love all wrapped up in a false package for the world to see, and the thing they want the most they will push away.  Lifes’ blueprint for us exposes us to things that shape us as people, not always for the good.  So Kim Cooper of narcissism cured -who lived through and healed her narcissistic relationship- talks about how these types of personalities don’t open-up they feel very little outward remorse due to their life blueprint (my next new term-lol).   In a nutshell what most relationship/affair rescue sites listed as the number one thing that had to happen if the relationship was going to heal is remorse/transparency and that needed to happen BEFORE you offer any type of forgiveness.  This was the exact opposite of what Kim Cooper was suggesting.  That with this type of person you had to show them that your willing to give your trust EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT to get them to move forward with you.  You make the first gesture in forgiveness,  I think of it as offering the “olive branch” put forth by you to make them understand you, so they may begin to feel empathy.  WOW!  Could I do that? Could I really offer my forgiveness at this point, he sure as hell didn’t deserve it, but you know I had made some mistakes in the past (NOT AN AFFAIR-NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO THAT) mostly to do with money.  So maybe I owed our relationship this chance.  I decided  I would think about it as a possibility, everything else I was trying didn’t really make it better. We were like two strangers pretending that we were married.  And then it happened, I read something that made me think “what the hell I’ve got nothing to loose and everything to gain” Something totally different may be what it takes for you. I was talking with my one friend who knows about affair and she said to me “girl maybe you should act like a lady but think like a man”.  I kinda laughed and said ok how do I do that?  She explained that, that was the name of a book by the TV host Steve Harvey and that he had lots of ideas about relationships.  So I immediately went and googled it, and discovered there’s an excerpt from the book.  It’s actually a book of quotes by him, and as I read down the page there were so many good ones- I loved it and then I read the one that helped me make the decision of what I was going to do…      …. I was going to offer my forgiveness.  I was going to offer the “olive branch”.


                QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“Women can go over it again and again in their minds.- “I didn’t do this right”, “I wasn’t good enough”, “I didn’t love him the way I should of”, “She came in here and out performed me”-but the fact still remains he didn’t have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man’s actions- just do it for yourselves.  Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from preforming in your next encounter.  You simply cannot drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror”.     -Steve Harvey


Manana   Chely 5150





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