Oh lucky me – I not only married a narcissist, but mine has to also be DEEP in his mid-life crisis!
And yes he is dragging me through the muck. You may now call me Agent 99. I am a spy. I have (probably) been not a very nice person. Many of you may think I am totally wrong, however I believe everyone must make their OWN decision when it comes to the subject of spying on their spouse. Now you may call me Agent 99 – you remember the female secret agent partner from the TV series (1965-1970) “Get Smart”. Se was tall & beautiful (played by Barbara Feldon) with dark brunette long hair, long legs wearing those cute black spy jumpsuits, in a sexy nice girl kind of way. She was the solid sidekick to “Max”, her spy partner “Maxwell Agent 86”. Together they fight against KAOS and injustice in a bumbling kind of way.
Yeah that describes me pretty well, “in a bumbling kind of way”. Bumbling and stumbling and feeling aughh – I can’t even describe it. A feeling, a feeling deep inside you that won’t go away. You try to simply ignore it, be strong – stand strong! But it eats at you, I need to know the truth- I think I know the (PAINFUL) truth but I’m such a malignant optimist that I still have frickn hope. Remember I’m taking the unconvential path and this is one bumpy road! And I was right the truth really does hurt-SO FUCKING BAD!!!
And so I will begin to tell you the story of the day that I became “Agent 99”, and entered the world of spying on my spouse. You may or may not know (don’t know if you have read previous posts) but in the job that my husband does he is afforded great freedoms and in many ways this has facilitated his ability to keep things secret from me for such a long time. He can come and go as pleases, call in for an emergency day off (usually to do something he wants golf, and I would imagine spend the day with HER ). He once took three days off just to decide what color to paint his truck! He has unlimited private computer and land line phone use, etc. He is good at what he does, he works long hard hours – yeah not as long as the ‘ol boy claims PRETTY DAMN SURE OF THAT ONE! Oh AND technology itself-damn smartphones (I love & hate- don’t worry I will explain) texting, sexting, video messages, live chats on video- and THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of pornography available on demand for any poor deprived husbands (or wives) out there who aren’t getting enough or in the manner that their fantasies want or whatever bizarre or crazy sexual act one may want. Don’t misunderstand me with this comment I am NO PRUDE, I like soft and sweet as much as I like hot & heavy or kinky and crazy too. But with my husband only!
OK sorry just a minor rant there – please don’t ever think that I take the position that only one is to blame – ya the two tango thing, it is true. However, just because I believe this, DOES NOT EXCUSE ANYONE FROM HAVING AN AFFAIR- MAN OR WOMAN – GOT THAT! SO I’M PERFECTLY CLEAR! It is so wrong! oh damn it there I go again!
ok ok- now since my husband has this great capability of stealth (which he uses to his advantage) And we live an hour and a half away from his work, so you see deception was too easy for him. ” Agent 99 we have an assignment for, KAOS is planning something big, proceed to headquarters for details. In 30 seconds this message will self-destruct”.
After what some call “bomb drop” (finding out about affair) and we decided to try to fix things (or at least I thought so) I listened to what he needed from me. And I listened, I really tried to listen and began working on these things immediately. I am by no means perfect I realized I had let him down before too, so I knew he was hurt and angry (yes I recognized this even as angry as I was). So I didn’t push too hard. I am a well trained secret agent remember, fighting against KAOS in our marriage. So I patiently I waited to see any signs of remorse, showing me that he really still cared- I knew however a narcissist rarely shows any remorse or empathy. Then as I learned more about mid-life crisis I began to realize that this situation is WAY WORSE than I had imagined.
In mid-life as stated in (http://www.midlifecrisimarriageadvoacte.com/mlc.html) MLC=emotional turmoil generally between 35-50 caused by fear and anxiety regarding aging. It happens in us all. Many transition fairly easily called mid-life transition, generally they accept or embrace the change looking forward to enjoying a new phase in ones’ life. Someone however who denies their mortality, deny aging, can’t understand why there bodies are changing for the worst they cannot accept the unfulfilled desires and dreams and start to resent those in their life whom they perceive as the source of this failure, because it certainly couldn’t have anything to do with THEM NOT FULFILLING THEIR OWN DREAMS!-that’s a sarcastic remark from Agent 99. The key components and behaviors that may be displayed:
DEPRESSION: both covert & overt
THE URGE TO ABANDON: gotta run from the source of their pain
INFIDELITY: either multiple short affairs or a longer affair which is deeper is emotions
BLAMIMG OR PROJECTING: denial of responsibility
PERSONALITY CHANGES: mood swings for high to low and back again
SEARCHING FOR THEIR YOUTH: thus extreme purchases or radical change in their appearance
Depression permeates MLC; if forced to reflect, it is the non- confrontation of one’s fears that lead to depression. It is this feeling of depression that a MLC’er is trying to escape. This is where the dance begins. One spouse is the distancer the other the pursurer. It is not uncommon for them to switch places during this phase.
“The pursurer wants to talk it out, find a solution work together, however the distancer puts up a wall to resist commumication-prefers to mull it out on their own. Since this is the exact opposite of what the pursuer needs they will interpret this as rejection (ok this is the way I reacted), invalidation of feelings, of being unloved. The distancer feels as if (on some levels) they are being attacked and disrespected. Both really don’t understand each other. Eventually the pursurer grows weary of this so steps away no longer pursuing. This is where they may switch roles as the distancer realizes they need some commitment or risk a further downhill slide.” http://www.drbillbaker.com/index.php.?option=com_content&view=article&id=233:
I had forgiven my husband, I was willing to be patient as we grew closer together again. I was working on the things that he had told me needed improvement. And he had agreed to be monogamous – no more affair partner. Yet while we still lived together somehow is just didn’t’ feel like this is what he wanted. We had talked about if he wanted to be with another that he should tell me and just GO. He assured me that this is where he wanted to be and that if he ever DID he would let me know. But his words said one thing and his behavior was telling me something else. The spy in me started to awaken! Agent 99 was just waiting to be born.
To repair a marriage after an affair a few things simply must happen to begin to rebuild trust and intimacy. Remorse is a BIG one, some can easily display their remorse because it is genuine. Others will have some but it is more kept inside as punishing themselves. But you can tell it’s there. Probably the most important one (at least in my eyes) is transpearancy. Allowing the betrayed to gain trust for you because you willingly uhm I’ll call it “TOW THE LINE”. Thus proving their intentions of “no contact”. With a narcissist these two important qualities are rarely offered or adhered to. But I accepted it for what it was and waited patiently (as I can be) while we did the stupid dance. He would kiss me, hold my hand, make love to me as long as I initiated it otherwise he did not really reach out to me until I distanced myself. The tables would turn for a moment but even then the emotions didn’t feel real. And when he actually started rebuffing my offerings I just knew something wasn’t right. I had this really strange feeling that something was rotten in Denmark
so I knew I had to do something otherwise I was going to drive myself insane. And it is this day that “Agent 99” was born.
I checked into those programs that say you can get into someones’ e-mails and texts’ and that turned out to be a bust. I looked into a program that I could put on his phone that would do this but you have to have access to the phone and since bomb drop he had put a password on it so that wouldn’t work which also meant I couldn’t check his travel history on his phone (one map programs actually gives you destinations traveled each day). But I had to know, was this all just a waste of my time? Did he really cut off contact with her? or is he just being who he is and lying to me again. I mean come on be a man if you don’t want to be with me own up to it, it will hurt but I would eventually get over it. But nooooo being the narcissist he is he wants to torture me a little more before he goes. Rub my face in it a bit more so he can feel soooo justified -even though he has yet to admit that anything he has done in this relationship that has caused it to break down. Oh how I wish I would of successfully left in either of my early attempts to divorce him.
So I wanted to spy on him but I didn’t know how to do it and be successful. So I figured I was SOL, but then while cleaning out a box of paperwork I found the manual for his phone (we have different ones) and as I looked through it I noticed that there was a program called family map that once activated will track another phone but only on the phones on your own family plan. Hmmm- wonder if that would work so I activated it. Low and behold I could now track where his phone is as long as it’s on. Oh yeah lets see what he is up to now said Agent 99!! Time to rid KAOS from your life accept this mission and he may never forgive if he finds out decline and you may never know the truth about his actions. The choice is yours Agent 99, you must decide to take the high road or the low road, which will it be?? Stayed tune to next weeks show for the conclusion of this nail biting episode.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“commitment is the ability to remember you really do love someone- even though you may not be feeling it at the moment.” Schwartz
Other websites referenced in this post:
I know No pictures again but I’ve been really busy at school and have to find more totally free ones-soon! thanks for taking the time to read my writing!