Oh lucky me – I not only married a narcissist, but mine has to also be DEEP in his mid-life crisis!

And yes he is dragging me through the muck.  You may now call me Agent 99.  I am a spy. I have (probably) been not a very nice person.  Many of you may think I am totally wrong, however I believe everyone must make their OWN decision when it comes to the subject of spying on their spouse.  Now you may call me Agent 99 – you remember the female secret agent partner from the TV series (1965-1970) “Get Smart”. Se was tall & beautiful (played by Barbara Feldon) with dark brunette long hair, long legs wearing those cute black spy jumpsuits, in a sexy nice girl kind of way.  She was the solid sidekick to “Max”, her spy partner “Maxwell Agent 86”. Together they fight against KAOS and injustice in a bumbling kind of way. 

Yeah that describes me pretty well, “in a bumbling kind of way”. Bumbling and stumbling and feeling aughh – I can’t even describe it.  A feeling, a feeling deep inside you that won’t go away.  You try to simply ignore it, be strong – stand strong! But it eats at you, I need to know the truth- I think I know the (PAINFUL) truth but I’m such a malignant optimist that I still have frickn hope. Remember I’m taking the unconvential path and this is one bumpy road! And I was right the truth really does hurt-SO FUCKING BAD!!!

 

 

And so I will begin to tell you the story of the day that I became “Agent 99”, and entered the world of spying on my spouse.  You may or may not know (don’t know if you have read previous posts) but in the job that my  husband does he is afforded great freedoms and in many ways this has facilitated his ability to keep things secret from me for such a long time.  He can come and go as pleases, call in for an emergency day off (usually to do something he wants golf, and I would imagine spend the day with HER ).  He once took three days off just to decide what color to paint his truck! He has unlimited private computer and land line phone use, etc.  He is good at what he does, he works long hard hours – yeah not as long as the ‘ol boy claims PRETTY DAMN SURE OF THAT ONE!  Oh AND technology itself-damn smartphones (I love & hate- don’t worry I will explain) texting, sexting, video messages, live chats on video- and THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of pornography available on demand for any poor deprived husbands (or wives) out there who aren’t getting enough or in the manner that their fantasies want or whatever bizarre or crazy sexual act one may want.  Don’t misunderstand me with this comment I am NO PRUDE, I like soft and sweet as much as I like hot & heavy or kinky and crazy too.  But with my husband only!

 

OK sorry just a minor rant there – please don’t ever think that I take the position that only one is to blame – ya the two tango thing, it is true.  However, just because I believe this,  DOES NOT EXCUSE ANYONE FROM HAVING AN AFFAIR- MAN OR WOMAN – GOT THAT! SO I’M PERFECTLY CLEAR! It is so wrong!  oh damn it there I go again!

ok ok- now since my husband has this great capability of stealth (which he uses to his advantage) And we live an hour and a half away from his work,  so you see deception was too easy for him. ” Agent 99 we have an assignment for, KAOS is planning something big, proceed to headquarters for details.  In 30 seconds this message will self-destruct”.

 

After what some call “bomb drop” (finding out about affair) and we decided to try to fix things (or at least I thought so) I listened to what he needed from me. And I listened, I really tried to listen and began working on these things immediately. I am by no means perfect I realized I had let him down before too, so I knew he was hurt and angry (yes I recognized this even as angry as I was).  So I didn’t push too hard.  I am a well trained secret agent remember, fighting against KAOS in our marriage.  So I patiently I waited to see any signs of remorse, showing me that he really still cared- I knew however a narcissist rarely shows any remorse or empathy. Then as I learned more about mid-life crisis I began to realize that this situation is WAY WORSE than I had imagined.

 

In mid-life as stated in (http://www.midlifecrisimarriageadvoacte.com/mlc.html)  MLC=emotional turmoil generally between 35-50 caused by fear and anxiety regarding aging. It happens in us all. Many transition fairly easily called mid-life transition, generally they accept or embrace the change looking forward to enjoying a new phase in ones’ life.  Someone however who denies their mortality, deny aging, can’t understand why there bodies are changing for the worst they cannot accept the unfulfilled desires and dreams and start to resent those in their life whom they perceive as the source of this failure, because it certainly couldn’t have anything to do with THEM NOT FULFILLING THEIR OWN DREAMS!-that’s a sarcastic remark from Agent 99.  The key components and behaviors that may be displayed:

DEPRESSION:  both covert & overt

THE URGE TO ABANDON: gotta run from the source of their pain

 

INFIDELITY: either multiple short affairs or a longer affair which is deeper is emotions

 

BLAMIMG OR PROJECTING:  denial of responsibility

 

PERSONALITY CHANGES:  mood swings for high to low and back again

 

SEARCHING FOR THEIR YOUTH: thus extreme purchases or radical change in their appearance

Depression permeates MLC; if forced to reflect, it is the non- confrontation of one’s fears that lead to depression.  It is this feeling of depression that a MLC’er is trying to escape.  This is where the dance begins.  One spouse is the distancer the other the pursurer.  It is not uncommon for them to switch places during this phase. 

“The pursurer wants to talk it out, find a solution work together, however the distancer puts up a wall to resist commumication-prefers to mull it out on their own.  Since this is the exact opposite of what the pursuer needs they will interpret this as rejection (ok this is the way I reacted), invalidation of feelings, of being unloved.  The distancer feels as if (on some levels) they are being attacked and disrespected.  Both really don’t understand each other.  Eventually the pursurer grows weary of this so steps away no longer pursuing.  This is where they may switch roles as the distancer realizes they need some commitment or risk a further downhill slide.”  http://www.drbillbaker.com/index.php.?option=com_content&view=article&id=233:

 

I had forgiven my husband, I was willing to be patient as we grew closer together again.  I was working on the things that he had told me needed improvement.  And he had agreed to be monogamous – no more affair partner.  Yet while we still lived together somehow is just didn’t’ feel like this is what he wanted.  We had talked about if he wanted to be with another that he should tell me and just GO.  He assured me that this is where he wanted to be and that if he ever DID he would let me know.  But his words said one thing and his behavior was telling me something else.  The spy in me started to awaken!  Agent 99 was just waiting to be born.

 

To repair a marriage after an affair a few things simply must happen to begin to rebuild trust and intimacy.  Remorse is a BIG one, some can easily display their remorse because it is genuine.  Others will have some but it is more kept inside as punishing themselves.  But you can tell it’s there. Probably the most important one (at least in my eyes) is transpearancy.  Allowing the betrayed to gain trust for you because you willingly uhm I’ll call it “TOW THE LINE”.  Thus proving their intentions of “no contact”.  With a narcissist these two important qualities are rarely offered or adhered to.  But I accepted it for what it was and waited patiently (as I can be) while we did the stupid dance.  He would kiss me, hold my hand, make love to me as long as I initiated it otherwise he did not really reach out to me until I distanced myself.  The tables would turn for a moment but even then the emotions didn’t feel real.  And when he actually started rebuffing my offerings I just knew something wasn’t right. I had this really strange feeling that something was rotten in Denmark

so I knew I had to do something otherwise I was going to drive myself insane.  And it is this day that “Agent 99”  was born. 

 

I checked into those programs that say you can get into someones’  e-mails and texts’ and that turned out to be a bust.  I looked into a program that I could put on his phone that would do this but you have to have access to the phone and since bomb drop he had put a password on it so that wouldn’t work which also meant I couldn’t check his travel history on his phone (one map programs actually gives you destinations traveled each day).  But I had to know, was this all just a waste of my time?  Did he really cut off contact with her?  or is he just being who he is and lying to me again.  I mean come on be a man if you don’t want to be with me own up to it, it will hurt but I would eventually get over it.  But nooooo being the narcissist he is he wants to torture me a little more before he goes.  Rub my face in it a bit more so he can feel soooo justified -even though he has yet to admit that anything he has done in this relationship that has caused it to break down.  Oh how I wish I would of successfully left in either of my early attempts to divorce him.

So I wanted to spy on him but I didn’t know how to do it and be successful.  So I figured I was SOL, but then while cleaning out a box of paperwork I found the manual for his phone (we have different ones) and as I looked through it I noticed that there was a program called family map that once activated will track another phone but only on the phones on your own family plan.  Hmmm- wonder if that would work so I activated it. Low and behold I could now track where his phone is as long as it’s on.  Oh yeah lets see what he is up to now said Agent 99!!  Time to rid KAOS from your life accept this mission and he may never forgive if he finds out decline and you may never know the truth about his actions.  The choice is yours Agent 99, you must decide to take the high road or the low road, which will it be??  Stayed tune to next weeks show for the conclusion of this nail biting episode.

 

 

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“commitment is the ability to remember you really do love someone- even though you may not be feeling it at the moment.”  Schwartz

Other websites referenced in this post:
http://midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201203/is-the-mid-life-crisis-excuse-men-behaving- badly
http://midlifeclub.com/his-midlife-crisis
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2012/12/27/distance-is-a-way-to-cope
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2012/12/14/the-distant-spouse-i-don’t-want-to-talk/

I know No pictures again but I’ve been really busy at school and have to find more totally free ones-soon! thanks for taking the time to read my writing!

I will now be known as “Agent 99”

Do they make a “Patience” Barbie?

Towards the end of my post titled “Yellow Brick Road” I said something about being patient- a little patient. I must retract that statement. What I should of said was; you are going to need A LOT OF @$%@$ *&(*&^ )^$#*@# $%#^%& PATIENCE!!! In fact a whole truck load of it to survive his affair AND try to save your marriage, and oh yeah your sanity as well. Dammit my truck is Mattel sized- only big enough for Barbie and a little patience. That must be my problem. I can’t get enough patience in the bed of my truck! Right? well I guess, could I be wrong. I realize that I’m not a patient person. I like to see that my investments have the potential for dividends right away. Apparently what little patience I’ve demonstrated so far isn’t quite enough. Sometimes it’s never (oh no that word) never enough , or I should say there isn’t enough. MAYBE- I’ve had enough! NO, no, no girl -calm down! Here I go over-reacting again.

Let me back up just a little; My husband and I never separated after the discovery of his affair. So there was no “space” to speak of for “breathing”. At first things were good, obviously neither of us knew what to expect. I guess since we both said we wanted to try it would be easier than it is. But we stumbled along , and had sex for the (2nd) first time after four days. It wasn’t mind-blowing and it wasn’t awful – it just was. It did feel good to have him hold me in his arms and his naked flesh wrapped around me. Each day would seem a bit better, and then the step backwards. Patience girl this will
take time. Slowly we progressed, forward and then back some, and then one day he just kinda changed again -zombieville like he was sooo sad, like someone died. PATIENCE REQUIRED HERE! Must check resources what is happening? I discovered that this is a fairly normal (whatever the hell that is) occurance. When the cheater finally breaks it off with affair partner, they feel as if a death has happened and they must grieve their loss. Oh Boy more patience! So I kept on doing the things that he had requested (those “me” things I had neglected) and it got better somewhat, however still only a little (mediocre) sex. This next change came in an unexpected form, he has begun to have panic/anxiety attacks. The kind where he thinks he might be dying. I realize that he is in a full blown mid-life crisis (you know wants a new sports car, furniture etc.) but I never expected this. It is so disappointing that it seems like the attacks come on only when he’s around me. Ouch! I need two more truck loads delivered right away. Now they are actually occurring more often, when he is working, driving etc. (In some ways i’m glad its not only when with me.)

In his article, Dr. Robert Firestone states that during a mid-life crisis (MLC) , due to receiving damage in basic feelings of themselves (in their early lives) it is difficult for them to offer or accept love. They are forced to hold onto this negative self image because to change would lead to anxiety. I believe that this is what is happening to my husband. Or the other (not so pleasant) option is he either is seeing HER again, OR has found a new source of narcisstic supply and feels extremely guilty or not!! Oh my head continues to spin. Where did I put that patience of mine?

If you have never been in a relationship (I pray you are not) or an immediate family member of a narcissist or passage/aggressive disordered person, some of the things I describe here may seem foreign to you. Like why I put up with his egotistcle, self-centered controlling and sometimes cruel personality? While he loves me , he hates me as well, for he believes I am the source of everything gone wrong in his life. Of course it’s me, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s perfect!! In his perfect internal world, everything and everyone must always focus on him, his suffering, his sacrifices, how hard he works and stressed they are. How happy or unhappy. Sometimes it’s enough to almost make me puke! Like he’s the only person in our family that matters. But have no fear I apply more patience from my 55-gallon drum. and I bite my tongue because I don’t want this marriage to end without fighting for it ONE MORE TIME! More patience required here! Excuse me but I gotta run down to the truck stop-got a big shipment of patience coming in- if you need some i’ll have to order more for you cuz I need all I can get!!

While reading up on what patience is or isn’t. I found the following paragraph in classical litititure of Hinduism in Wikipedia defintions:

“our conduct must always foster forebearance, one must patiently endure rude remarks because it delivers us to purity. If we are unjustly wronged by others, it is best to conquer our hurt with patience accept suffering and refrain from unrightous retaliation. It is good to patiently endure injury done to you but to forget them even better–just as Earth bears those who dig into her, one must with patience bear with those that despise us, and so on”.

So if you have any (patience) to spare please send it my way because I may be running out! And the procurement office is closed for the weekend!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet”.
Jean-Jocques Rousseau

Never say Never & Always!

FRS100827 FRS101492I feel like such a terrible blogger! Been too many days since my last post! However, I have a pretty good excuse; it was my anniversary (yep we’re still counting – 19 years). My husband and I went away for a 3-day weekend. We had a wonderful time (for the most part) but then again we ALWAYS did have a great time on vacation. He has NEVER disappointed in that category- oh that’s right it’s because he likes to enjoy himself on vacation, he works hard, he deserves it and I get to go because he doesn’t like to go alone, not because I deserve it too! It made me start to think about those two words NEVER AND ALWAYS

Two words; Two small words that can add so much defensiveness to any conversation. Think about it; does anyone really do anything always or never at all? Do they? I think not but just to sure i’m clear I must refresh myself with “true definitions” of these two unique words. So I grabbed my old, rather tattered, (the cover is almost non-existent), dictionary and started flipping though to find my two words. First there’s always; adv. 1. every time 2. forever 3. in any event or if necessary 4. continually. Then the word never adv. 1. not ever or at no time. 2. not at all or absolutely not. (Random House dictionary from 1978)

Rather interesting that these two simple words can convey so much when added to our conversations. Generally speaking when you start adding those words to the conversations you have with spouse or other loved ones, there is underlying meaning to what your TRYING to get across. Talks that included these devilish little words, come from a place of feeling unheard and that our needs aren’t being met, we want to feel good so we dump on our partners. These words are unproductive and create defensive attitudes in our conversations and generally just add fuel to a smoldering fire. If its like my house used to be, more like a yelling match (both trying to out do each other) than a conversation (still can be sometimes). So I thought i’d share with you my lists of never and always about husband AND myself. I would never pick on him with dishing some out for myself. It wasn’t too hard actually, kind of felt good to actually write down some of these deeply ingrained flaws I see in both of us. Fun, oh hell no! But anything that opens my eyes is good and writing is such good therapy.

HUSBANDS LIST:

ALWAYS extreme procrastinator: so disorganized can’t even SEE his mess, we haven’t filed our taxes on time in at least 7 years because he can’t find something and refuses to let me help.

ALWAYS a pessimist: he thinks his glass is half-empty, but throughout recession he never lost job, never lost our home, worried about how we going to eat, has more saved for retirement than a lot of others (yes we lost money in the stock market but who didn’t). Still took vacations- poor him!

ALWAYS demands unconditional respect: yet he is so self-centered he gives no respect to anyone of us, even when he knows he’s wrong then, it’s all our fault.

NEVER allows someone else to have/express their own opinion: Can you say control freak! But is so afraid of failure that he makes himself look pretty good on the outside but won’t try another way (someone else’s ideas) if his is not working.

NEVER makes me his #1 priority: Yes i’m in the top five (I hope), if I ever was #1 is was a short time very long ago. It’s all about him, his money, his car, his fishing trip, anything but me.

Never has shown his TRUE colors to the rest of the world!: Likes for others to think he is sooo wonderful, picking up the entire tab, going the extra mile for a friend or other (not immediate) family member while saving his special NARCISSISTIC WAYS for only those he truly loves – ME & THE BOYS! At least it’s only one of us at a time that he will focus on.

MY LIST:

ALWAYS to quick to over-react & way too emotionally: Yes I know, i’m way too sensitive and defensive at the same time.

ALWAYS have had a loud voice & yell too much: My mom is a yeller so I guess I got that from her. Hey you never have to ask me to speak up!

ALWAYS too much of a caregiver/Mother to others: When I should’ve taken care of myself equally as much.

NEVER thought that he ever stopped loving me (even during his affair) Looks like I’m a malignant optimist.

NEVER fulfilled my career dreams: Currently working on it, I’m attending licensing program for Real Estate Agent.

NEVER could STOP the damage to our family from Narcissism, even though I KNEW BETTER way back then.

So there it is my NEVER/ALWAYS list! I definitely could of made BOTH of our lists a lot longer, but I didn’t want to get carried away since I’m trying to focus on the positive these days. Take a minute, stop and think how many times you’ve plastered your arguments (probably even thought you were communicating) with these two little words. Like a snow ball cascading down the hill it’s ALWAYS is going to pick up speed and it’s NEVER going to stop until it hits the bottom. Never let this happen to you, Always take a breathe and think before you speak!!

Quote of the day

“You ALWAYS talk the most about the one you will NEVER leave.” unknown

OH MY GOD- I THINK I DID IT- I BELIEVE THIS IS MY FIRST POST WITH PICTURES!!!!!! YEAH – I’M FEELING SO AWESOME I FIGUIRED IT OUT ALL BYMYSELF! YEAHOOOO!