After my conversation with my husband’s affair partner, besides not asking some questions that I would of liked to ask her, I also didn’t follow through on a few things that I had wanted to say. Some things I NEEDED to say to her. And for her to understand me, loud and clear. Not in a negative way, (because as long as she didn’t want to go there again), chances improved that no contact continued. So along with the little book “Wisdom especially for Woman” by . I would include a letter saying the things I hadn’t said on the phone. The following is that letter:
Hello AP (I put her name),
Well finally, here it is, the little “something” I wanted to give to you. This little book is filled with little bits of wisdom especially for women, to help with living a full and sane life.
When we are young life looks so wonderful, filled with hopes and dreams for the future. We marry and have a family. The demands on us increase, sometimes it can become so overwhelming. Even more so if one feels disconnected from their spouse. It feels like you are alone to struggle with the daily battle of living, let alone be happy. This I understand.
Generally in times such as these the support of friends can help us through tough times. However when experiencing marital problems, turning to a friend, who is of the opposite sex, puts that friendship into a sticky situation. Simply because sharing intimate details in a M/F friendship is NEVER advised. It is a line that should never be crossed. Stepping over that line is the beginning of an affair. Whether physical or emotional only, it has become an affair. Due to smartphones and VPN, etc., it is possible to be intimate without ever having physical contact.
I do not know exactly what went on between the two of you. You both claim to have never met in person,ever. Possibly that may be true. However, you must know THAT HE HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE. There is simply too much evidence, both tangible and behavioral to indicate anything else. If not you, then who? How many others? Whether you did or did not, it is in the past and I cannot change that. But I want you to know that I don’t blame you. He is a manipulator with an entitled attitude. I have to ask you, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT HE MAY HAVE BEEN LYING AND MANIPULATING YOU AS WELL AS ME?? i realize now how it’s all a game to him. I can only imagine the things he has said about me that are not true. The story I’m sure he told about how bad our marriage was and blamed me, never indicating how HE contributed to our problems. Of course not, a narcissist could never admit that.
The discovery I made that morning ripped a hole through my heart. We were working on improving things, for sometime and it had gotten better, only to discover the affair. I wonder what would of happened if I had not made that discovery. Would you still be involved today?? Despite all of our problems throughout the years, I always trusted him, never doubted his word. ALL THOSE TIMES he had to work late. I will never be that nieve again.
This experience has been a big wake-up call for me. I think for HIM as well. I have learned a lot. I will never give up myself for another again. We are doing well but still have a long way to go. His unwillingness to be open with me and accept responsibility for his actions has made it difficult for me to move past this. Talking to you and offering forgivness has given me the ability to put this behind me. Now if our marriage survives or not, it is no longer about the affair.
I have no hard feelings towards you, though I will admit I wanted to scratch your eyeballs out a time or two. What kind of women would I be if I didn’t? Despite all, I LOVE MY HUSBAND.
I hope you realize that once your friendship crossed over the line, as we talked about, that you cannot rewind and go back to just friends. The friendship MUST be over. I expect no further contact between the two of you-EVER. It is unfortunate but a fact. I ask you to continue to respect that, woman to woman.
Since our conversation, of course other questions have popped into my mind. Naturally I would want answers to them. I’ve accepted i’ll never have all the answers. Maybe it’s better that way. I am letting it all go. I have to otherwise it will destroy me.
I hope you find happiness and peace in your life and possibly your marriage or wherever life’s journey takes you. He has told me he has let it go, it was a stupid mistake and that he will no longer seek attention outside of our marriage. I have to have faith he is telling me the truth. It is difficult knowing how often he lied and played mind games with me. But THAT has nothing to do with you.
I appreciate the time you took to speak with me. It helped me a great deal. If we ever do get together to have that drink obviously it would have to be girls only. I hope you enjoy the little book.
Best Wishes Chely
p.s. Remember….the answers to our problems never lie in the arms of another.
Well there it is. My letter written to the other woman. I imagine there are many of you readers who are shaking your heads screaming at me, calling me crazy, stupid and a few others I won’t mention. That’s okay. I realize that the route that I have taken, to help in healing after my husband’s affair, is not the route many would choose. I understand that. What I know is that every situation is different, staying angry at her was not helping me at all. In my situation while she made some bad choices she was not responsible for the behavior of my husband the covert narcissist. Understanding that, has been extremely helpful to me in being able to put “his affair” behind me. As I said in the letter, now if my marriage doesn’t survive it’s not about the affair. It will be about the two people in this marriage and how they manage (or don’t) the ups and downs in life.
The scary thing is that because he was able to let go so easily of what was a fairly long affair (I don’t know exactly when they crossed over that line) it confirms to me that he truly does have a level of NPD. And what you read about the behaviors of someone with NPD (of which they ones I see hit the nail on the head) I may be in denial about the true nature of my husband. How much more don’t I know about??
Scary, it really is if you understand narcissism at all.