How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.

 

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When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO BUT NEVER POSTED- MY BAD!

 

When you suffer the pain of infidelity, the heartache of an emotional  or physical affair, deception in your marriage, a disconnect from the one you thought was that “soulmate”, when it looks like your marriage is coming to and end, you begin to think “is this it?”,  “Is this really the end of our relationship?” It most definitely feels like it.

Yet for some untold reason you stay together, sort of. Both remain in the relationship and continue day to day, but are they really there? I mean their hearts. You see their bodies but do you feel their heart?  If your answer is NO! Then why stay? I just couldn’t think of the right words to describe this until I read a post written by Douglas LaBier PhD.;  Caught Between “Longing” vs. “Settling” in your marriage.  In which he describes this dilemma so perfectly:

                     

                       “caught between feelings of longing for a relationship ideal that they think, might be real but unfulfilled

                              and a pull towards settling for what they have, with all it’s imperfections and disappointments”.

That was it, the word I couldn’t put my finger on. The word is  SETTLED.    It didn’t feel like he was choosing me, it felt like…

He was settling on me.

Settling because He felt comfortable with me.  That certainly makes me feel so special.   Even with all my imperfections and disappointments I’m still comfortable, I guess that’s how I see it.  I’m good enough to be the slave laborer but not enough to be the desired one.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie My Best Friends Wedding “You order creme brulee but what you really want is jello, jello is comfortable.” I guess I am jello.  Not good enough to make you only want jello, but brulee is something you only want sometimes.  Which is the lesser insult?

He simply cant make up his mind.   I imagine it is fear, fear of the unknown.  I’ll take a guess, that this is happening for both of us.  I try to wrap my mind around  what being single again, after 20 years of marriage , would actually be be like.  Especially in this technological, youth oriented, narcissistic world we live in today.  How does someone who still has empathy survive in this world of wolves, without being eaten alive again?

I’m not really looking forward to it in all honesty.

I HATE infidelity!!!

 

 

Be careful what you wish for?

What do you wish for? A big house? Car? Success in your career? Maybe a healthy family? A happy marriage? A husband that is faithful? Sounds good right? It is most likely that you know about the darker side of wishes, as in “Be careful what you wish for?” Yes there is much wisdom in that phrase. Because wishes can come true and yet the result might NOT be all roses and sunshine. What have I wished for recently?

Lately one of my biggest wishes is to know the truth regarding my husbands affair/s. To get answers to questions I’ve had for over a year. Answers to new questions that have developed due to the trickle down (or I call trickle out because NO INFORMATION comes from his lips) evidence that continues to pop-up. It continues to try to drive me crazy. It would be easy to succumb to the pain and trauma that not having the answers causes me. I had to do something. be I wished for those answers.

Being unable to uncover the truth myself, I know I need help. I Can’t do this alone anymore. I won’t keep this secret any longer. So I did two things. I decided that I was going to hire a private investigator and I needed to tell my Mom and Step-Dad because I needed their help, both emotionally and financially.

I was extremely nervous- how do you walk in and share something as big as infidelity when you’ve been pretending nothing was wrong all this time? I should of realized that their love and support was a given. But the years of crazy making, married to a Narcissist makes you second guess everything in your life. Just having a plan was helping me feel better. I felt I wouldn’t have to be in this limbo land forever. I would finally get some truth, some answers. I would no longer be treated like a mushroom, you know kept in the dark and fed nothing but bullshit. Maybe my luck was changing. I felt so much better with a plan of action.

As I was setting up the appointment with the PI, and compiling the evidence that I did have, I began to think about how I felt about hiring the PI? A part of me is feeling elated, (after months & months of feeling so lost, alone and confused I feel like i’d never know the truth). It felt good to take some of my power back. I would not be the doormat to his bakery any longer. But then I started to feel kinda funny, almost sick to my stomach as I wrapped my mind around what would be happening. I was going to get the answers i needed but I also was going to have to hear the truth. It was probably going to be things that I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR. My suspicions would most likely be confirmed and I would then have to ACCEPT THE TRUTH. That my husband was the one of the worst cheaters around. A narcissistic, personality disordered, sex addict, charming & successful BASTARD. OMG! Am I really ready to know the truth? Am I as strong as I like to believe/pretend that I am? Can I handle it? Will it make me feel better or worse? Not sure! Oh no I’m going to have to hear the truth. I’m starting to feel sick again, like I said before:

Be careful what you wish for? Your wish just might come true

Two steps forward and 42 steps back

I find it a bit ironic, that for two people who (supposedly) still choose/want to stay together, in this almost 20 year marriage, why I feel so stuck in relationship healing. I’m reluctant to use the word recovery, primarily because I don’t want to recover my old marriage, no way, too unhealthy. I thought the wall had been coming down, a little bit, stone by stone, but it feels like we are headed for that same old familiar spot. Oh hell NO!!

What I’d envisioned, was a better, new and improved version of my marriage. Foolishly I really did think that since so much had been brought to light about all the negative issues (past and current) that we would be able to get past the narcissism crap. Re-create our marriage in a healthy way that fills both our needs. Oh chely, what makes you think you are so special that you could beat the odds?

In many ways, during this last year our actions radiated the feeling that we were on the right path, we have been able to come closer. He has been considerably less abusive. So the appearance of a healthy, loving relationship, that facade from before, is taking shape, because we have reached a sort of an impasse in our healing. I’m not sure where I read this, whose blog it was (but one from a professional), the term used was “flat tire repair” to describe this type of recovery.

I’m paraphrasing here so bear with me; When dealing with infidelity in a marriage, Like a nail in your bike tire, you now have a leak) many partners say they will do whatever it takes to repair the damage. When partners try to work things out, to heal, it does improve some. (you have put a patch on the hole) Yet when trying to talk about these issues your partner continues to avoid the subject (this movement/friction works to loosen the edges of the patch creating that slow leak). It’s not that you don’t wish to talk about the hard stuff. But every time you attempt to, your partner won’t have that conversation. Without this communication about the difficult issues, the air continues to slowly leak from the tire, eventually going completely flat. Oh it may be possible to drive on a flat for awhile. But ultimately this tire can no longer be patched. The term used to describe this behavior is Stonewalling.

On the blog, Anger in the age of entitlement, Steven Stosny PhD. gives the following description:

“Stonewalling is absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. IF you listen at all you do so dismissively or contempously. You stonewall to gain leverage or power. Stonewalling can also be a defense mechanism, a person can feel like they are trying to protect themselves and their families. Stonewalling is an avoidance strategy”.

Criticism, resentment, defensiveness and stonewalling are just a few of the ways a partner may emotionally abuse, all while smiling and putting on an appearance that all of it is for one’s own good, in other words “helping”. Stosny goes on to say it is “Important to note emotional abuse is about the effects of behavior, NOT the words used. You can say the most loving words with sarcasm and silently communicate contempt through body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, etc.” Other examples include silence, mumbling monotone utterances, changing the subject or physically removing self from current situation, withholding or insisting on sex, or even manufactured aches and pains (medical problems) that seem to crop up whenever the conversation goes into an uncomfortable place..

Yes this is such a perfect description of my husband’s behavior. If you want to make sure that no one willingly co-operates with you then be sure to criticize them regularly. Add some stonewalling to your efforts and you’ve got the perfect receipe for disappointment, which leads to resentment. Being chronically disappointed can lead to constant frustration and stress. “Resentment multiplies stress and the perception of unfairness. In NOT getting one’s needs met. It is so unfair as you realize that there will be NO help, NO consideration, NO praise, NO reward, NO respect or NO affection”, states Stosny.

So Husband just came out into living room, and once again asked what I am doing? “Writing” I replied. “May I see?” he asks. I hand him my notebook and he
begins to glance at my notes. As he reads, his demeanor and body language tell me he’s not liking what he is reading. He comments, “So tell me what does all this do for you?” “It mostly seems like a bunch of drivel”. “I learn why I feel the way I do sometimes” I reply. His response doesn’t surprise me at all, “just seems like a big waste of your time to me”.

This all started the other day, when I came to the conclusion that he does not or chooses not to understand WHY I HAD BECOME THE UNSUPPORTIVE PARTNER and had attempted to leave many years ago. I decided to ask. “What do you think is the reason was that I had become so unsupportive which lead to you seeking attention from another?” I stood silently and finally he answers that he does not know. No real surprises here. I thanked him, emotionally calm and went to leave the room, when he asks if I was going to tell him why? “You have been emotionally abusive to me and the boys for a long time.” I didn’t want to fight, hash it out or seek a solution, just a simple answer. After we stood there for an uncomfortable moment, he just smiles turns and walks away.

I think I finally get it. He does not and most likely never will. My narcissistic husband is clueless or the best actor I’ve met. We will never address our issues (not just his mine as well), we will never even agree to disagree. We will just stumble along, semi comatose still pretending that all is well. The resentment and stonewalling will continue. There is no love between us anymore. Maybe that’s not quite right, there is some love in the familiar we’ve been together so long, we know nothing else. But there is no desire, no passion, mind blowing sex, no dreaming of our future. It’s more a disappointment that his heart probably hasn’t ever been “in” this relationship. So sad, I have been alone for a long, long time.

John Gottman sums it up this way, “when you are making every effort to address a problem, whether you are attempting to talk about something upsetting you, explain your feelings about on-going areas of conflict, trying to reach a resolution AND YOUR PARTNER IS PRETENDING THAT YOU AREN’T THERE. You are likely to reach a level of upset or anger SO HIGH, that you psychologically and emotionally “check out” as well.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard it expressed so well.

Take the sunglasses off girlfriend.

Open your FUCKING eyes.

STOP-

This wall needs no more stones I never could climb over it before, what makes me think I can now.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-of-entitlement/201302/emotional-abuse

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-of-entitlement/201212/how-to-ruin-perfectly-good-relationship

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2013/05/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling.html

What we don’t know about mid-life CAN hurt us.

Even before the discovery of his affair I had come to realize that my husband was having a “mid-life crisis”. He talked about getting a new sports car (we have more cars than the average family). He complained about his health (the aches and pains as the body ages and the years of not exercising and eating right were catching up with him). Several of his co-workers had been retiring (his original plan was to retire at 55 and although we save and invest there was no real plan). He had known three men who recently passed away (one a very close friend who died from sleep apnea, (something he suffers from but won’t sleep with the c-pap). Our boys still live at home (even though both are out of school and do work), and continue to be a major expense in our budget. Due to the economy, our finances not as solid as before. Our marriage had been unhappy (for us both) for sometime, even though I thought we had finally reached a point that we were working on improving it. Then I discovered that text message which changed my life forever.

Mid-life, getting older, it is unavoidable. It happens to us all, both men and women. It can be described as a period of transition or crisis. You realize the years of your youth are past. You begin the second half of your life. Some people accept the inevitable, and transition gracefully. More often, this period is met with denial. Refusing to accept a fact of life. They fight against the realization that time is unstoppable. We are getting older and someday we will no longer exist. I know my husband was feeling this way about his life but I never realized how much so. And due to the years of emotional abuse I lived with, I was unable or unwilling to be supportive of him. Like I imagine a partner in a healthy marriage would do. (I still think he doesn’t get WHY I WASNT THERE FOR HIM.) Feeling overworked and unloved I imagine is when his affair began. I wonder if he thinks this solved his problems? (maybe a feel good band-aid). In my opinion, this did NOT solve his problems, only add to them.

So is mid-life crisis an excuse for having an affair? Some would say yes. Some would say no. I think there is more to it. As our bodies produce less and less of hormones needed to remain balanced. For women the primary indicator is the cessation of menstrual cycle. No more periods. Some are never affected by the loss of these hormones. Others experience many uncomfortable symptoms, and take hormones to make their bodies function better.

But what about men and their process of aging? Obviously they don’t have periods, so how do men know? For many men the most obvious symptom is in their penis. Sex has less intensity, they may no longer get that rock hard erection of their youth. Also they are more irritable, restless, they look at their life, their family, their spouse and begin to wonder, is this it? Feeling lost and unhappy they question their existence. Why haven’t I accomplished more? What about my dreams? Maybe they realize their life didn’t turn out the way they had planned, feel defeated. (Maybe they actually have a good marriage/life but due to these hormonal changes experience many similar feelings.) The years have slipped by and what do you have to show for it? They look for someone to blame, most likely their spouse. They grasp at what they feel is their last chance to hold onto their youth. Maybe they buy a sports car, have an affair, or even abandon their families. Most don’t have a clue about what is going on within their bodies because doctors only address the erection part of it and fail to educate about the other symptoms. For men, this period of transition is much longer than a women’s, It takes men 10-15 years to complete. It’s called andropause.

The effects of hormones “pausing”, in both men and women, can lead to the types of behavior mentioned above. Hormone therapy is readily available to help women, and for men if they discuss with their doctors. Men generally don’t like to acknowledge a lack of testosterone If. But it’s so much more than not being able to get/keep an erection. Both the physical and mental/emotional changes can have traumatic effects on his life without an understanding of what’s happening it is very possible that these effects can be a significant cause of why (some) seemingly happy, successful men seek affairs or commit suicide.

So the term “midlife crisis” may be appropriate, simply because they are in denial about the aging process. However it is not an excuse to have an affair, people know right from wrong. But these changes can skew their thinking process, make them rationalize inappropriate behavior. Knowing this helps me understand, how despite us making a lot of progress in our relationship, husband sometimes doesn’t seem “present”. My mind instantly thinks that his thoughts are of his AP, and maybe that may not be the case at all. He is stuck in the dilemma that his body is out of balance- leaving him in that hormone fog I spoke of earlier. This is a serious medical issue. Without information to assess this properly, many just feel too overwhelmed , stuck and unable to do anything to help themselves and some end their lives. Or they have an affair thinking this will make them feel better. For most it does not, it only makes them feel worse, and increases the chaos in their life.

If your husband (or if you are a guy that is reading this) has any of the symptoms listed below you may want to check out this website by Dr. Jed Diamond (MEN ALIVE) It is filled with information aimed to assist those who are in crises, and those that love them. It is ultimately up to each man to seek what they need. Not all who have an affair have hormones out of whack. Some are just infidels. Don’t let them use this as an excuse. That would be a disservice to those who actually have reached mid-life and transitioned gracefully. Or those who with medical assistance have finally found peace, love and happiness in the second half of their lives. I pray my husband falls into that category, with me.

Despite his narcissistic tendancies, I believe these hormonal changes play a big part in his behavior. Making an attempt to do the right thing, even while it doesn’t feel totally right. I believe that is why his actions don’t seem genuine to me. He is still in a fog, not an affair fog but a hormonal one. And he has to address this, before he will see significant improvements. I can’t make him change. If he wants to feel better it is something HE will have to do, because I am not the cause of all his problems. I don’t control his body or what he does. If he refuses to do anything about it I cannot force him to address the problem. It may sound as if I am trying to control him but He is the one who shares with me his aches and pains and worries with me and asked me for help. (Wow it just dawned on me that he is SHARING feelings and concerns with me – that’s a step in the right direction for sure.)

So no sports car or hair transplants for my guy, hopefully some hormones will bring us even closer to really healing after that affair. Damned mid-life!!!

http://menalive.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Male_Menopause_Crazy_Things.pdf

MOST COMMON SIGNS OF ANDROPAUSE

1.reduced libido or sex drive

2.reduced potency or ability to maintain erection

3.fatigue, loss of vitality

4.irritability and “grumpiness”

5.aches, pains and stiffness increase

6.depression which manifests as anger or boredom

7.night sweats (or day), hot flashes

8.dryness and thinning of skin

9.restlessness and a longing to “break free”

10.weight gain acquiring a “pot belly”

ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT HAS A LOT OF ARTICLES ABOUT MEN AND MID-LIFE

http://inlpcenter.org/10-things-people-over-40-should-do-to-find-lasting-happiness

Oops – don’t wanna stand on the soap box

I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.

When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.

http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>2012/01/18/a-spoon-too-long-on-being-a-sex-addict-in-a-sexless-marriage/#comments
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/its-hard-to-be-polite-sometimes/

Dear Bi,

I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.

From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:

“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.

For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:

“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.

PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:

“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”

Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.

When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;

She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.

You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.

“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.

The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.

To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.

You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.

https://chely5150.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/no-visible-scars/

My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.

So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?

Respectfully still reading your blog,

chely5150

p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).

what to do when the floor falls out from undernearth you and there’s no oxygen left in this world

I should probably give you some background about the dynamics of my marriage.  At the end of January we will be married 19 years.  Many of those years were VERY unhappy, I tried to leave him twice- once when the boys were small (I took them with me) and second time when they were older (this time did not take the boys)  but I was always seduced back into our home (or the concentration camp as I used to call it).  But then as usual things never improved, so I didn’t leave again I just basically began shutting down, checking out of the real world to a point that after years I didn’t get dressed, clean house much, cook or do laundry.  It was pretty sad!  I barely went anywhere but I still felt like shit.  After years of swearing that if I owned a gun I would’ve ended up on an episode of “snapped”, I decided that if I was going to stay married that I had to try and make it better.  So began to get up ,get dressed and find something to occupy my time- it seemed like the only thing supposed to do is chores-  and we got along a little better, so much so that even my mom noticed. Even so we had become soooo distant we still had sex but it was more like because I felt I had to “wifely duty and all”.  I’d always known that he looked at some porn, sometimes we did together, and masturbating was common for us both.  His way of initiating sex was to start masturbating to get me to come and join him.  One day he hollars at me to come in and he’s doing it again but shows me his phone and he’s watching a video of a women doing herself.  I wasn’t pleased I ‘m sure I kinda exploded  “what the hell are you doing?  is that all you think about anymore?  if you want to have sex just come hug and kiss me! -You’re turning into a pervert like those dirty old men you see in movies.  “OMG you aren’t going into chat rooms and hooking up with other women are you?”,  of course the answer was no,” no way honey I wouldn’t do that”. So we dropped it. I didn’t really know what to say? But the rest of that day into the night my stomach didn’t feel right- it was really weird I find it hard to describe I suppose it was that little voice screaming at me . 

 

 

The following morning, I realized that the whole video phone thing was bothering me, honestly him looking at porn never bothered me before, but this voice inside my head was screaming at me don’t believe it!!! I knew had to look, so I got his phone off the charger and began to investigate. I will tell you this is no easy task as he is a business professional with immense responsibilities and must speak with literally hundreds of employees and vendors within a week. Couldn’t really tell much as many were nameless, I proceeded to the text messages and there it was, a set of text messages of a sexual nature to someone, someone else -not me!  I tell you what, my head began to spin, I couldn’t breathe, I felt as if there was no oxygen left in the world, my legs were trembling so bad, everything was spinning like that ride at the carnival that spins you round & round then the floor falls out- it felt like it would never stop!!!!  How could he!! We had made a promise besides our wedding vows – he had asked that we never, ever cheat on one another- and I agreed.  I realize now that what he said was “promise me you’ll never cheat on me” – I was just married and so in love I wasn’t paying that close of attention.

Anyway the point that i’m trying to get across is this: Even though at that moment your want to KILL or BEG or SCREAM or RUN or CRY or whatever emotion you’re feeling, it’s OK to FEEL it but DON’T REACT in the heat of it all with any hasty decisions. Give yourself enough time to process all of this try to just BREATHE! No one has ever made the best decision when their brains been so overwhelmed that it can’t think straight, and try not to go through this alone. I don’t mean get on the phone and call everyone you know to complain about that good-for-nothing SOB. I mean one very close friend (that is not the blabby type, I mean i have one very close friend, who I still have not told, because she is the type who just can’t not tell, you know what I mean they don’t really do it on purpose but they just can’t not tell someone. I only told one friend and then not even for two months, mostly because I didn’t know what I was going to do and I felt like I had no one to talk to. So that day I picked up my laptop, and between the tears and screams and breakdowns I had, I knew I had to find some hope in dealing with this nightmare. In the last four months I have become a novice/expert on cheating, infidelity, how to save (or put the spark back, or how not to fight or to divorce) in your marriage, lying and deception, passive-aggressive behavior, narcissism, I mean I have become an addict of sorts (which of course is a behavior of a co-dependant), so much so that I’ve been using up the battery on my laptop two-three times a day. Do I have all the answers? No way! Am I an expert? No way! (Do you love my new term a ‘novice/expert’ ?) But what I have become is very good at sorting through the many (oh so many) information sources and can quickly eliminate the crappy ones (or those only looking for money) and focus on true solid facts. The following are my top five in dealing with infidelity, affairs and cheating. And by far the best book that I’ve read is titled ‘Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass Ph.D. I have an actual physical copy and I’ve read it through 4 times and many sections over and over. Bottom line – Don’t rush into any decision, even if your spouse kinda makes one for you, they many times regret their decision, change their minds or spend too much second guessing that decision. It takes anywhere from between 1-2 years to really feel better and see changes that can be lasting. So please check out these sights and BREATHE!

If your emotional baggage gets to be too much to carry, I found this great site where someone will carry your bag for awhile with a song! Check it out- EMOTIOPNAL BAGGAGE CHECK http://emotionalbaggagecheck.com See my other favorite sites on infidelity at the links on menu.

I will carry emotional baggage for you all with the song “Breathe” 2am by anna nalick if anyone would loike acopy of the words I do have them i’m happy to share. See you manana chely5150