Newest Bedtime Ritual

It feels really strange to lie in bed most nights, next to my husband and not touch and hold him. Neither of us reaching out to each other to bring in a moment of quiet, emotional closeness that is needed to keep love alive. Oh we may share a quick kiss good-night or briefly hold hands. But I don’t feel anything connecting between us when we do. More like an obligation, we must wish one another a good night because that’s what married people do. But it is so unfamiliar, to feel like I don’t feel anything for him. Not bad, not good, just nothing. That is very sad. Very sad indeed because I also feel he is feeling the same way. I can see it in his face, in his eyes, in the sadness that is beginning to ooze out of us both as we realize our love is dying.

Oddly, it doesn’t feel bad though. It feels like a veil has been lifted, so to speak, (I never wore a veil) as we both see that our love has run it’s course, is coming to a conclusion. This chapter is going to close. It makes me sad. It hurts to think that man that I’ve loved for longer than any other man in my life (other than Dad) will no longer be my partner. It will be so weird to be single. I never ever thought I would be again. I thought I would hold his hand as we walked in the sunset on the beach in some tropical paradise, so happy together. But that was then and this now.

I must accept that this truly has been what I have wanted for a very long time. To be able to do anything without worrying if I might get in trouble from him. Being allowed to have an opinion and voice it respectfully without always being shot down. To feel valued, as a person and for the contribution I’ve made to our lives. We have loved and there has been much good but he refuses to look at it from my shoes. I think I do for him, but maybe not as much as I should have. I wish that we could have broken through that horrible legacy of narcissism that is the gift our marriage could not bear. I think he loved me as much as he was capable of. Neither of us had good examples of relationships growing up. There was sexual abuse in both of our childhoods, along with booze and drugs and all that go with that. I think we both tried the best we could but it was not a love to be forged of gold to stand the test of life and time.

I don’t know if his changing of heart has anything to do with his affair/s and sexual addiction. He of course will not see his issues and try to do the hard work. Almost no narcissist ever does. I see all the work that I personally need to do and I will attempt to make some changes. Even when we know we should change it doesn’t necessarily become easier. But I’m beginning to formulate my new life in my head see a future that revolves around my needs and wants. I think that I might move out of state. Make a fresh start. I think the less reminders of my past (especially in the beginning) would be a positive thing. I’ve always loved adventure, 22 years is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my whole life.

I still don’t know how this story will conclude, what is actually going to happen. But I know right now it feels like the love has simply died. Maybe it’s best this way, slowly bleed to death instead of one quick fatal stab wound to the heart. What I do know is that I can’t continue to lie in bed next to my husband and not feel loved or loving, it’s just not right. Difficult to accept but the best thing maybe to simply let go!

If your fighting to survive after infidelity or an affair, sometimes the best thing for you both is to simply let go. Realize that some marriages are not forever even though you will always have love for that person in your heart. They say it is the greatest gift of love that someone can give, when love has reached the end is to let go gracefully. It still hurts though.


7 thoughts on “Newest Bedtime Ritual

  1. silkred says:

    I recognise myself in your words – I am 20 years married – in the last 2 I have suffered from abuse via a narcissistic other – not my wife – someone I knew via a sport – learning about this aberation taught me about sociopathic/narcissistic abuse…

    The shock for me was to look back at my marriage and the woman I lay next to in bed – not touching – worrying about what I might do wrong and realising that she behaves in ways I now recognise…

    I have to say that this was so shocking to me after the external abusive episode that exploded in my mind for 2 full years – that when I finally via a period of no contact started to get my feet on the ground and see the PTSD rumination finally quiet that when I then looked at this woman – my wife that the way she picks fault and manipulates and controls our lives such that we are almost totally socially disconnected I realised that over these years – 20 years – I had been squashed by her negativity.

    She left a few years ago to work abroad – in protest at my having friends she did not like – women in my life who were nice to me in normal friendly ways – not affairs – but she took my then 13 year old son away abroad with her to work and only came back when something bad happened over there and she was forced to return…

    In the time she was away I met someone else – someone fun and normal – someone who behaved I think as normal people do – we would go and see her friends – play cards – go to the cinema – go out for meals – have fun together – snuggle and watch the telly – it was almost overwhelming…

    So now I am to divorce. My fears as they always have tell me that my wife will be vindictive and nasty make things difficult – but now I just cant see how I can continue as I have stoically coping thinking I had no choice…

    Your story feels like mine… it hurts me in my heart to think that I might be alone – but – I feel at the same time almost euphoria to think that I might be free…

    I wish for you the same.


    • chely5150 says:

      Dear Silkred- Please accept my apology for not responding to your comment sooner. I had read your comment and began a reply (thought I had sent it) but was having some computer problems and now realize your never received it. Again I apologize, I could feel your pain as you realized about narcissism and how it effected your marriage for a long time. This enlightenment is both sad yet affirming. Knowing why you feel the way you do within one’s relationships can be like a breath of fresh air at first (I’m not crazy). But once you know what your dealing with, it can be depressing to think that you may not fully recover from this abuse. I’m glad to hear that you have been able to break free from your marriage and find someone who will treat you better. I am curious about when your wife actually left, did you consider yourself separated? Did she? How long was she away? Since you met your new friend during this time, did your wife know? Did you consider it cheating? It is not really relevant since you are divorcing but I was just curious because people generally don’t intend to have an affair. Yet somehow end up sliding down that “slippery slope” when “just friends” becomes something more. I wish well to you and hope your new relationship is healthy with no hints of abuse. They say that sometimes because of who we are we are drawn to these types of people. That has always been a concern for me as I can know recognize narcissism in past relationships as well. Thank-you for taking the time to comment and again I apologize for the delayed reply. Hugs to you chely


      • silkred says:

        Yes – it felt like we were separated – she went and I was alone and that was that – we would not be in contact at all and between us there was a lot of anger… it was in that space that I then met my girlfriend…

        I was deeply depressed at that time – all of a sudden my boys were gone from the house – I was alone for the first time in my whole life so when I met this woman and she turned out to be so full of life and energy it was like a lifeline a revelation I was transported to another world…

        its not so easy though is it – life is not a binary thing – this or that – its messy and grey – so when my wife would return to the uk it would be strange but in a way I liked the sense of the familiar and loved to have my boys in the house….

        so feeling all this I ended the relationship with my girlfriend feeling that I was in no place to cope with what at that point then felt like an affair.

        there was about a year of no contact with my girlfriend yet also time when my family was away – it came to be seen that my wife was not planning on returning – seeing her job work out well am my youngest boy do well in that school I could see that they would stay…

        so in that space I drifted back into contact with my girlfriend and in a sort of abbreviated way we started to see each other again… then something happened abroad and suddenly my wife had to return… simply that – bang it was all over…

        my girlfriend left me then – I was at home with everything seeming normal but in some shock – not really knowing what to do – loving that my son was home but at the same time seeing that things were now compared to a time of seeming freedom and happiness so when the narky critical sort of moaning manipulation started to happen again at home I missed my girlfriend and the sense of promise that the idea of her offered…

        I recognise a lot of subtle an now framable behaviours in my wife – I watch her make me into the bad one – put me in my place – find me walking on eggshells – reading about the Stockholm Syndrome – while I feel good when she is happy – waiting for her to compensate and message me some critical remark about some thing or other real or imagined I – in her eyes – have done wrong…

        my wife knew about her from the beginning – seemed to accept that it was part of the parting if you will – but this unexpected return is like some sort of affront – in this space now I have fallen out with all of them to a degree – sleep in a separate room again alone – dont see my girfriend – look at my relationships as all distorted and broken even that with my son is broken I think he has had enough and now will not talk with me – I am depressed and getting help with that via antidepresants – I am it seems in a nether world between realities – not wanted really in either of them – its a bloody mess tbh

        what is crazy is that if things are calm and peaceful in the house I very quickly find thoughts of – it will be ok – if only I can do the right things – I look at the house and imagine the flat I would be forced to live in if I was alone… I feel scared for that reality… scared to really be alone..

        SO I wait for the drugs to work – for some counselling to start and have patience – seeking calm and peaceful simple days where I just go through the motions not forcing any outcome in the hope that my mind will clear and some way forward will emerge…

        Nothing is ever simple Chele – but its been helpful to form this reply and put it all in words – so thank you for your message – I wish you well…


  2. CrazyKat1963 says:

    I am so behind on reading posts since we have been out of town. So, it seems you have made a decision and you are at peace with it. I wish you much strength on your journey. “We’re” here for you. ❤


    • chely5150 says:

      Well yes I kinda have. At peace with it? Not totally I would of preferred a different conclusion to this story. Alas it is not to be. So I have to accept that if I don’t want to live my life as his door mat I’ve got to let go. It’s hard when we do have good times but the bigger picture just has too many others in it. I am doing my best to keep a smile and walk with my head high. Thanks for all of your support -Lord knows I need it.


  3. So many of us feel the blood oozing out of us. Sending you love and strength. SWxo


    • chely5150 says:

      Yep it’s a really strange feeling, kinda like being there but not. Watching from the sidelines his behavior has taught me so much it’s scary. Thanks for taking the time to share- it does help having others who sympathize with each others suffering. Hugs to you– chely

      Liked by 1 person

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