It feels really strange to lie in bed most nights, next to my husband and not touch and hold him. Neither of us reaching out to each other to bring in a moment of quiet, emotional closeness that is needed to keep love alive. Oh we may share a quick kiss good-night or briefly hold hands. But I don’t feel anything connecting between us when we do. More like an obligation, we must wish one another a good night because that’s what married people do. But it is so unfamiliar, to feel like I don’t feel anything for him. Not bad, not good, just nothing. That is very sad. Very sad indeed because I also feel he is feeling the same way. I can see it in his face, in his eyes, in the sadness that is beginning to ooze out of us both as we realize our love is dying.
Oddly, it doesn’t feel bad though. It feels like a veil has been lifted, so to speak, (I never wore a veil) as we both see that our love has run it’s course, is coming to a conclusion. This chapter is going to close. It makes me sad. It hurts to think that man that I’ve loved for longer than any other man in my life (other than Dad) will no longer be my partner. It will be so weird to be single. I never ever thought I would be again. I thought I would hold his hand as we walked in the sunset on the beach in some tropical paradise, so happy together. But that was then and this now.
I must accept that this truly has been what I have wanted for a very long time. To be able to do anything without worrying if I might get in trouble from him. Being allowed to have an opinion and voice it respectfully without always being shot down. To feel valued, as a person and for the contribution I’ve made to our lives. We have loved and there has been much good but he refuses to look at it from my shoes. I think I do for him, but maybe not as much as I should have. I wish that we could have broken through that horrible legacy of narcissism that is the gift our marriage could not bear. I think he loved me as much as he was capable of. Neither of us had good examples of relationships growing up. There was sexual abuse in both of our childhoods, along with booze and drugs and all that go with that. I think we both tried the best we could but it was not a love to be forged of gold to stand the test of life and time.
I don’t know if his changing of heart has anything to do with his affair/s and sexual addiction. He of course will not see his issues and try to do the hard work. Almost no narcissist ever does. I see all the work that I personally need to do and I will attempt to make some changes. Even when we know we should change it doesn’t necessarily become easier. But I’m beginning to formulate my new life in my head see a future that revolves around my needs and wants. I think that I might move out of state. Make a fresh start. I think the less reminders of my past (especially in the beginning) would be a positive thing. I’ve always loved adventure, 22 years is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my whole life.
I still don’t know how this story will conclude, what is actually going to happen. But I know right now it feels like the love has simply died. Maybe it’s best this way, slowly bleed to death instead of one quick fatal stab wound to the heart. What I do know is that I can’t continue to lie in bed next to my husband and not feel loved or loving, it’s just not right. Difficult to accept but the best thing maybe to simply let go!
If your fighting to survive after infidelity or an affair, sometimes the best thing for you both is to simply let go. Realize that some marriages are not forever even though you will always have love for that person in your heart. They say it is the greatest gift of love that someone can give, when love has reached the end is to let go gracefully. It still hurts though.