The Twelve Dreads of Christmas

What a crazy week it has been! I imagine that most people have similar feelings the week before Christmas (if this is a holiday you celebrate, if not, I apologize for the “Merry Christmas” feel of this post but hope you will continue to read anyway). There are never enough hours in a day during the month of December.

I should be excited as we are planning to spend Christmas (seven days) in Lake Tahoe at a beautiful resort. But in all truth I’m not really in the mood for all the activities, “celebrating” and fun. Our sons are only able to come up for two days on Christmas, my family is unable to come (except one sister & two nephews for one night). So it’s primarily his family who will be joining us and while I’ve previously enjoyed spending time with them, I dread pretending everything is okay, because it is not. I guess I’m just not in the spirit of things. Plus I don’t want to pretend that I love the gift his mother might give. Usually feels like a re-gift because I can’t imagine she is shopping sees it and thinks “I know chely will just love this”. Tidbit of advice: Only re-gift when it looks like you would of picked it out for them.

It all sounds fun and exciting but anytime you travel it takes planning, organization and effort to make it all happen smoothly. Add the weight of trying to do all of this after infidelity in your marriage and it can feel the Pyramids of Egypt are loaded on your back and never forget your supposed to look good and smile while doing it all. Yeah right! That’s not what my playbook looks like at all. I dread having to fake being “so happy”.

So I’ve decided to share my special twist on a holiday favorite with you all: Here goes!

“The Twelve Dreads of Christmas”

On the first day…

You dread the thought of knowing you have to make 30 dozen cookies (for an exchange party). You always eat WAY more than you should, reversing the only benefit of infidelity -instant weight loss through no effort of your own. Then husband walks in and slams me for still baking and the kitchen is a disaster.

On the second day…

In addition to baking there’s the cooking, and preparation, shopping and the MESS that accompanies it. Sure hope I don’t get stuck doing all the dishes by myself again. There’s no “I” in team. Vacationing? Order ready to go meal from the Safeway. No special Grandmas pie this year.

On the third day …

Gotta get the house ready, buy tree decorate helps getting in the spirit. But if your vacationing at this time of the year no need for a tree or decorations- won’t be home. Great I get to celebrate Christmas with no tree or stockings or Christmas music. Must pack suitcase with lights and decorations maybe find a small tree when we get there – no then I’d have to pack the tree stand and shit too! So just ONE small suitcase of decor or it won’t feel festive- don’t forget cd’s. Husband rolls his eyes.

On the fourth day…

Ah how nice to be out of town during the holidays -just relax nothing to worry about-right? Just that it’s the biggest burglary month of the year. Leaving my home no one to keep an eye on things… oh wait sons (19 & 23) will be there to watch it. Oh maybe that’s not the best protection idea…while the cats are away… those mice love to… parties! Last time we left for a week, there were so many beer cans it looked like a recycling center. They even left clothes on the ground by the hot tub. Male, female, underwear included, at least they have friends right? Yes they’ll watch closely i’m very sure.

On the fifth day..

Besides worry about the house, who cares for the pets, mail etc. when your gone? Oh yeah sons here, they can handle taking care of the pets (fish, turtles, cats and one dog if you don’t count the rats that we have been unable to eradicate due to the food source our yard is to them). But sons can’t even remember to shut the front door or turn off lights when they leave… so hire neighbor girl to make sure they’re all alive when we return. Why does this house smell like cat pee husband says when he walks in. Always my fault- like I went pee in the corner. Right!

On the sixth day…

Your time table has been accelerated. All shopping, wrapping, exchanging of gifts for those not vacationing with you must be completed EARLIER. You now have to cram everything into a weeks less time not to mention hauling Christmas gifts along with you as well. Must have large enough vehicle for ski stuff and presents. Rent vehicle- 4-wheel drive so don’t have to put chains on while traveling. He always tells me I pack too much stuff and now I have to fit presents in too? Put down for packing too much stuff from husband.

On the seventh day…

The endless reasons he has for having to stay late “at work” or at a work function begin. The dread of not trusting your spouse,, because they cheated but there are so many get togethers when you supervise a staff that covers production 24/7. There’s the front end of the week day shift, and back end of the week graveyard shift, and the weekend days and the…. the list goes on and on. Then lunches with the vendors or I should say the sales rep. Could be male or female. Then the old buddies from high school (who live different areas of US) now are back in town for the holidays so we boys got to have a couple of beers. Oh and I gotta… the list goes on and on. Back in the good ole days the company he worked for had a fabulous Christmas party for employees AND spouse, since we live further away than some we always got a hotel at the venue. (I remember how we would have to stagger, giggling with each other on the way to our room). Now just too easy for him of to slip an extra “activity” in among the parade of events, he thinks “she’ll never notice”.

On the eight day…

I really never get to enjoy shopping much anymore. The fact that our sons are grown and want/need things like tires for vehicle, a new stereo or gaming console, gift cards for everything from food to gas to x-box time etc. I actually only go shopping for just a few things for family exchange, a couple of girlfriends, stockings and oh ya something for him (which I ordered on line) since I have to. Last year I had been saving up and gave him an expensive tablet. I got nothing on Christmas Day (I did get a pair of boots ordered online so I had them before the 25th). but not one stinking thing on the actual day. I ended up leaving my Mom’s in tears after being there for only an hour ( I made up some excuse and left him there.)

On the ninth day…

Listen for the mailman, maybe he has cards or packages for us. Lately there’s been very little mail compared with what we used to receive. No monthly/quarterly statements from all the financial investments that usually overflow our mailbox. But what I have noticed is an increase those pre-approved credit card offers that have arrived. Generally they are sent out when you have recently applied for some type of credit. I wonder why some of these come addressed to husband but have his name as xxxxxxxx IV. Indicating that he is the fourth in generation with same name. But that’s not the case with him. Could he have altered his name to apply for a new ?????? (car, morgtage, medical bill, etc.. No new credit that I am aware of. Not good.

On the tenth day…

Oh the never ending jewelry commercials about what every man who LOVES his woman is giving her for Christmas. (A great big diamond ring, necklace or earrings.) Know that I won’t be receiving anything like that because he has basically stated “I’ll never buy you any jewelry again”. Guess I’m only getting that lump of coal.

On the eleventh day…

And then it’s those damn toy commercials- so many it’s toy overload. Not too fond of these either as from some recent comments by him (“that’s not what little girls like”) leaves me wondering how HE would know what little girls would like?? In addition, on his tablet browsing history, I see two different searches for “baby furniture” and “individual medical policy” from the provider we just switched out of for a better choice of doctors. Too many things pointing to only one conclusion that I can see -that he has a child out there with someone other than me. BIG, BIG DREAD!!

On the twelveth day…

I dread the fact that this year is coming to a close because the month of January has become the month that I need to “let him go”. To permanently and forever severe ties with the love of my life, my husband of 20 years, father of my children, the one I had planned to grow old with and love for the rest of my life. To be the one to stand up and say NO MORE! No more lies, deception I can’t be with a man who is in love with someone else besides me. Wonder what she got for Christmas besides my husband?????

Yeah there is a lot to be happy about this time of the year. But when your spouse has been cheating on you for?? (to count please use years) there are many reasons to dread this magical “holiday”. The biggest dread is the realization that the only reason we are still together is most likely because “it’s cheaper to keeper” and that he chooses to live a lie. Yeah Merry Christmas Mother Fucker!!

MAY THE ARRIVAL OF THE NEW YEAR BRING EACH OF US SOME PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN WHATEVER FORM IT COMES!!

Hugs from chely

“NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and psychos don’t go back to idealization after devaluing, but they may switch back to “good behavior” from time to time, IF they still need the prey (because not all is sucked out of the person yet.) In other words , they may sometimes treat you well, even though you have been discarded long ago, but you just never realized it.”

From a comment on a blog by Margo

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Twelve Dreads of Christmas

  1. CrazyKat1963 says:

    Oh no, pretending is the worst. It almost doesn’t seem worth the trouble of going away with him and spending it mostly with his family? Your last post seemed like you had come to terms with leaving, now you seem angry. I know these emotions come and go all day, and it is incredibly difficult to nail down how you feel when everything seems to be lies. I hope you can find some peace and happiness during the season/vacation. I will be thinking about you. Hugs to you, Chely.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks for your kind words. Yes emotions do flip/flop most days. Doesn’t change the reality of it all. I am still planning on letting him go, but because he controls all money (basically everything) I really don’t want to leave without some sort of support set up (they do a temporary one when you file-if requested.) So I’m working on an attorney (have to find one with experience in emotional abuse) so I have that all set-up when I confront/tell him about what I know and what I’m going to do. Sometimes they say when you are on your way out they do wake up, but I’m not expecting anything from that. I’ve given him ample time to show me where his heart lies (literally) and he has already shown me, When people ask why we are divorcing I will tell them the truth about his behavior, No more keeping his secrets or playing his games. But If I go about this wrong i could screw myself out of what is fairly half mine. So I must prepare for the war- he won’t give up anything willingly. I plan to enjoy the last vacation we will take together-skiing, gambling, walks in the snow end this year peacefully and embarking on the new me come January. I hope the holidays find you and your family doing well, healthy and happy. Thanks Kat – hugs from chely

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s