How bad news can actually be a good thing!

Over the last weekend husband and I (along with another couple) spent the weekend in San Francisco.  We live about an hour and a half away from the city and both love being by the ocean, doing “city” things, the variety of food available and of course going to the Giants game (which we did on Sat. and they won! ).  The weather while sunny was pretty windy and cold.  We had a wonderful time.  He really has been more considerate, warm and loving to me recently.  I do hope that this means he is moving more “into” our relationship.  While it feels good, I was still somewhat apprehensive about his motivations (keep her happy so she don’t ask no hard questions)??

If you have read previous posts, you would know that I was introduced to my husband by my sister and her (then) husband.  The guys worked together and my sister thought he was wonderful.  I remember her saying to me about knowing we would fall in love and get married.  At the time I didn’t think much of it but she was right, and we did.  Throughout the years we have enjoyed lots of family get-togethers and outings with them, and my other sister and all of their children.  A few years ago sister and her husband celebrated their 25th anniversary and he bought her a beautiful “new” wedding ring.  While my sister can be a bit of a bitch, he is the nicest, hardworking, most easy-going guy I knew.  While no marriage is perfect I thought theirs was pretty close.  About 4 years ago they moved to Wyoming and while they liked it there, I know my sister hated the long cold winters. 

About three years ago my middle sister had some serious health problems, which ended up with her having cancer removed from between her lungs and her heart, she was in the hospital for 6 months and while she almost didn’t make it she is alive and well (albeit disabled).  My little sister would come from Wyoming and stay for 6-8 weeks at a time to help out and simply be there for her.  When middle sister was finally allowed to come home (to my moms house)  she had to be bed ridden and convalesce for another 8 months.   After almost two years she was able to return to her own home.  Little sister could now stay in Wyoming more as she had just got her nursing degree and could find work.  She flew home and then called us the next day to let us know she was returning to Calif. for good and her and husband were splitting up.  What? No way!  At the time she didn’t share any additional information but the truth finally came out:  on her many trips she had connected with an old boyfriend who had been coming around because of illness of middle sister, and you know the end of this sentence….began having an affair!!  While prior to the actual divorce she had had second thoughts about getting a divorce, but for her husband it was too late- the hurt too much and he refused to take her back.  We were all devastated for them -and I was mad as hell at my sister.  Didn’t really speak to her for several months.  While the guy she was seeing wanted a more permanent relationship, sister decided he wasn’t the one.  And thus began her internet dating escapade. 


She finally met a pretty nice guy and they started relationship (both had been recently divorced).  She wanted to get married (why I have no idea) it seemed rushed but they both decided to get married.  While happy for them I couldn’t help but feel it was too soon (my mother gave them less than a year).  And last July they were married.  I’m not sure the exact things that led up to this but about 3 months ago she told me that they were going to take some time away from each other figure things out.  But I hadn’t talked to her in a while and wasn’t sure their status.  While at the game on Saturday, middle sister called with a question about something and my husband wanted me to ask if little sis and husband had got back together yet?  Middle sis said NO and I guess they were not going to.  He had told her that she was “sucking the life out of him” and no longer could see a future for them.  It broke my heart for her.  I could imagine that she was dealing with a lot of emotions.  From leaving a decent marriage and man to pursue her “happiness”, marrying someone she barely knew and then everything falling apart.  My husband was extremely affected by this news.  It was obvious that it struck a chord within him.  He was observing, first hand,  how moving past a long term relationship in search of “happiness” doesn’t always work out.  As the saying goes, grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.


And something changed in his behavior that day.  When he would take my hand in his, he really held it like it was important to him.  When he would kiss me, it wasn’t just the little peck I had become accustom to,  it was a real kiss with feelings and tenderness.  He took my arm as we walked, he opened car doors for me, brought back my favorite chocolate on a trip to the store.  Things that he hadn’t done in a very long time.  We laughed at dinner about a personal little joke known only to us. And it was a good to feel like he was here with me because he wants to be.  Not out of obligation.  I think there maybe light coming from the end of this tunnel!  But I will take it for what it is and not try to read too much into it. 


The weather has been beautiful  last couple of days.  The only thing we didn’t do our weekend in SF was go on the cruise around the Bay (we had free tickets that expired on 4/30) because the weather was crappy and who wants to do a boat ride in lousy weather- not me. 
The evening of 4/29 husband told me he wanted to take a half day off the next day, the weather was fantastic and he wanted to take me on the boat ride and then head to the beach to relax and watch the sun set.  Really, I was pleasantly surprised.  He has taken days off for lots of reasons but NEVER to just spend with me. And now he wanted to!, and do one of my favorite things -GO TO BEACH.    Wow this is a first, and so spontaneous as well. (He prefers well planned adventures.)


So we met between his work and our house, left my car and went to the city.  If you ever been to SF (usually much cooler and can be foggy a lot) you’ll understand how perfect the weather was, when at 7 pm it was still 79 degrees outside.  He had packed all the things we needed, an ice chest with snacks and wine, blanket, chairs etc. and then after the boat ride we went straight to the beach and spent the afternoon/ til sunset enjoying each other, talking, laughing and feeling the love for each other.  Somebody pinch me is this really happening?  If I had listened to all the expert advice about the what and why of, and how to try handle the discovery of an affair, and what things you should see if a spouse really wants to work things out,  I would of left and probably been divorced by now.  While I took the things i’d been learning about affairs seriously, so many things while they made sense,  just didn’t fit in my situation.  I knew this required that I do what felt right for me.  If I hadn’t chosen this path,  (the one that is a little less traveled)  I think I might of missed the opportunity to begin reconnecting with him.  I might of missed out on what may be the turning point for our marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the feeling of safety yet.  Feeling safe enough, in the other person and signs that show potential for an improved relationship is where I feel trust can begin to grow.  This was a big step in the right direction for us.  I’m sorry that it took hearing the news about my little sisters’ marriage ending to be that step.  I’m NOT sorry that he (my husband) had to see first hand the tragedy of what can happen when they think that  “the grass is always greener on the otherside of the hill”.                                                                                                      IT’S NOT PEOPLE !

                                          THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!!

I mean I guess there are some instances where that MAY BE the case but most often NO!

To get to a point to restore trust, you must first feel safe with the other person and relationship.  Safe enough that with a little faith we are willing to risk losing it all for the chance of a new improved relationship.  It  will take more than a single action to restore safety , and then trust.  Both instantly relinquished upon D-day.   I know there are many trees in this forest we walk but there’s no blindfold over my eyes as I must be wiling to risk losing it all for there to be a chance for change.   I’m taking that chance- sometimes I feel like I owe doing this to all the other betrayeds who never were given the option. Not many have this opportunity

He Loves me, He Loves me not, He Loves me…….

Remember back to when you in school, probably middle school (grades 6, 7, or 8 where I went)  when you had your first crush on a boy in your class (ok these first references are from a girls point of view only- I don’t know what boys that age did when they had a crush).  You wondered if he LIKED you.  When you looked over and saw him staring your direction did it mean he was thinking romantic thoughts of you?  Or was he just zoning out?  So during recess break you are sitting with a couple of girlfriends talking about, what else- BOYS, and your friend asks Do you love him? – Do you like him? Do you think he likes you? and maybe 1000 or so other questions young girls ask one another. Not far from where you sit, growing in the grass, is a patch of white daisies. You lean over and pluck one by the stem, twirling it between your fingers.  One by one you begin, plucking the petals from the unsuspecting flower; you begin to sing  “he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not”  and so it continues til the very last petal is removed and with that you determine the fate of your first “love”.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if it was that simple!!


What got me started on this was I was thinking about when husband kisses me and how it feels.  I instantly start singing “the shoop, shoop song ” from the movie “Mermaids” starring (one of my favorites) Cher.  The chorus goes something like this:

                                                  “is it in eyes? oh no,  that’s not the way”

                                     “is it in his arms? oh no, you’re not listening to all I say”

                                       “if you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss”

                                                        “that’s where it is, oh yeah!” 


I love this movie it’s about a single mom struggling to raise two daughters, find herself and love, but runs away whenever someone gets too close.  It’s about being honest with oneself, as well as others and learning to be as concerned about another’s happiness as well as and above your own.  Trusting enough to take a leap of faith instead of running at the first sign of intimate relationships. 


Anyway I was sitting and thinking and wondering to myself.  If my relationship with husband is feeling better, more comfortable and we are doing things and making plans.  If we are spending much more time together, then why does it feel funny?  I mean it feels like he wants to be here, we laugh and talk, hug & kiss some, have sex some, but it still feels not quite right.  I mean for someone who gave one of the main reasons for “seeking other friendship” (that’s what he calls it) was unmet emotional and physical needs  (and I’ve made it perfectly clear that I’d like to have more sex) you would think he’d be jumping right in- as we previously had a very satisfying sexual relationship.  Then why does it feel like -he just doesn’t love me?  And I started to sing ; “if he loves you so it’s in his kiss” and I realized that moment that he’s not feeling it.  Going through the motions, I think trying, says he loves me and shows it in may ways, but it’s NOT IN HIS KISS!   Oh that sucks!

If you’re the type that doesn’t like to talk about sex then you may not want to read this next paragraph.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned previously, but the usually rock hard penis has been showing his age lately, slower to erection, not as wood hard as younger days, but the problem is he looses the erection part way through sex. Or he has to focus so hard to maintain it that I may as well not be there (give him suzy pop-up friend) because there’s no attention to me.  I know -Ouch for us both! 


At first I just rolled with it, not wanting to emphasize the situation.  But it’s become more of a problem for us.  Finally one evening he made a comment about “it not wanting to co-operate lately” and maybe he needs something like those commercials.  He means erectile dysfunction and testosterone supplements like Viagara, but he can’t say those words.  I was glad he felt comfortable sharing that with me, but I hesitated to say yes let’s try some.  I don’t need his desire for more sex to include being with someone else, if he gets his wood back.  So I didn’t suggest it. I mean, maybe it only happens when he’s with me.  Maybe it’s rock hard for her? Stop chely -no negative thoughts.

So as usual, I began researching ED.  And something I found out is that ED can be a precursor to heart disease.  So doctors keep giving men testosterone, they get their wood back but then high numbers are having heart attacks, strokes etc.!  Some have even died.  So if your man is considering this approach make sure doctors are addressing the effects of it on his heart. 

Another article mentioned the fact that viewing pornography and a history of excessive masturbation can also lead to ED.  Then it posed the question in terms of sex addictions.  Oh no, here we go again -another topic to research.  I looked at the questionnaire to help determine if this could be the cause.  And as I answer the questions posed it becomes painfully obvious that I can now sex addiction to the list of problems effecting us.

It’s called porn induced sexual dysfunction.  If someone you know views porn and masterbates excessively signs to look for:

     * more stimulation and more intensity necessary to get aroused

     *can’t keep an erection

     *experiences delayed/incomplete ejaculation

     *sexual intercourse becomes difficult to complete      

     *drugs like Viagra lose effectiveness

     *eventually they can’t get an erection even WITH porn


I guess the only good news(for me) is that this will happen to him no matter who he is with!  Oh thank -GOD it’s not just me!

What happens over time is the over-stimulation desensitizes the brains response to normal sexually arousing experiences. The availability of any type of pornography (24/7/365), as much as one could want, just waiting for a click of the mouse has created a situation that is becoming epidemic.  Men who would previously look at a magazine or video occasionally and masterbate while doing so, have now become obsessed with pornography, sexual chat rooms, people looking to hook-up, live sex acts sent directly to your phone to be viewed over and over.  Even a website for married people looking for sex outside of marriage.  HOW DISGUSTING!

Its sexual overload.  And our lives are conditioned by the media to accept this, want this, even crave it more and more. In this “it’s all about me and my needs” era we currently live in, more and more men (and some women) are/have become ADDICTED to it!! The effects can be extremely devastating. As many of us betrayed spouses can testify to. It is very scary that something that was once considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent has the potential to derail couples lives forever!!

I mean I knew about his porn and masturbation, we even do this together (I did think he was getting a bit carried away lately) but in all honesty, I never thought it was as serious a problem as it now appears to be. Never thought that this could also be contributing to the problem. I bet there are a lot of spouses who are dealing with infidelity that have absolutely no clue that this may be contributing or the catalyst for their situation. Or how many young men just starting with porn don’t realize the damage they can do to their normal “real” sex lives. I hope the word gets out to the general public about the devastating results this can have on healthy adult relationships. I know i’m going to talk to my sons (they are young adults) about this. If you have young adult daughters and sons I hope you talk to them as well. I guess you can say i’m down on porn now!
I have to believe that he does still loves me otherwise why doesn’t he just move on? I know he’s playing the part til he feels it more? I hope that’s the answer because I have picked just about every damn daisy in my yard – and I can’t seem to get the answer I want: HE LOVES ME!