Over the last weekend husband and I (along with another couple) spent the weekend in San Francisco. We live about an hour and a half away from the city and both love being by the ocean, doing “city” things, the variety of food available and of course going to the Giants game (which we did on Sat. and they won! ). The weather while sunny was pretty windy and cold. We had a wonderful time. He really has been more considerate, warm and loving to me recently. I do hope that this means he is moving more “into” our relationship. While it feels good, I was still somewhat apprehensive about his motivations (keep her happy so she don’t ask no hard questions)??
If you have read previous posts, you would know that I was introduced to my husband by my sister and her (then) husband. The guys worked together and my sister thought he was wonderful. I remember her saying to me about knowing we would fall in love and get married. At the time I didn’t think much of it but she was right, and we did. Throughout the years we have enjoyed lots of family get-togethers and outings with them, and my other sister and all of their children. A few years ago sister and her husband celebrated their 25th anniversary and he bought her a beautiful “new” wedding ring. While my sister can be a bit of a bitch, he is the nicest, hardworking, most easy-going guy I knew. While no marriage is perfect I thought theirs was pretty close. About 4 years ago they moved to Wyoming and while they liked it there, I know my sister hated the long cold winters.
About three years ago my middle sister had some serious health problems, which ended up with her having cancer removed from between her lungs and her heart, she was in the hospital for 6 months and while she almost didn’t make it she is alive and well (albeit disabled). My little sister would come from Wyoming and stay for 6-8 weeks at a time to help out and simply be there for her. When middle sister was finally allowed to come home (to my moms house) she had to be bed ridden and convalesce for another 8 months. After almost two years she was able to return to her own home. Little sister could now stay in Wyoming more as she had just got her nursing degree and could find work. She flew home and then called us the next day to let us know she was returning to Calif. for good and her and husband were splitting up. What? No way! At the time she didn’t share any additional information but the truth finally came out: on her many trips she had connected with an old boyfriend who had been coming around because of illness of middle sister, and you know the end of this sentence….began having an affair!! While prior to the actual divorce she had had second thoughts about getting a divorce, but for her husband it was too late- the hurt too much and he refused to take her back. We were all devastated for them -and I was mad as hell at my sister. Didn’t really speak to her for several months. While the guy she was seeing wanted a more permanent relationship, sister decided he wasn’t the one. And thus began her internet dating escapade.
She finally met a pretty nice guy and they started relationship (both had been recently divorced). She wanted to get married (why I have no idea) it seemed rushed but they both decided to get married. While happy for them I couldn’t help but feel it was too soon (my mother gave them less than a year). And last July they were married. I’m not sure the exact things that led up to this but about 3 months ago she told me that they were going to take some time away from each other figure things out. But I hadn’t talked to her in a while and wasn’t sure their status. While at the game on Saturday, middle sister called with a question about something and my husband wanted me to ask if little sis and husband had got back together yet? Middle sis said NO and I guess they were not going to. He had told her that she was “sucking the life out of him” and no longer could see a future for them. It broke my heart for her. I could imagine that she was dealing with a lot of emotions. From leaving a decent marriage and man to pursue her “happiness”, marrying someone she barely knew and then everything falling apart. My husband was extremely affected by this news. It was obvious that it struck a chord within him. He was observing, first hand, how moving past a long term relationship in search of “happiness” doesn’t always work out. As the saying goes, grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.
And something changed in his behavior that day. When he would take my hand in his, he really held it like it was important to him. When he would kiss me, it wasn’t just the little peck I had become accustom to, it was a real kiss with feelings and tenderness. He took my arm as we walked, he opened car doors for me, brought back my favorite chocolate on a trip to the store. Things that he hadn’t done in a very long time. We laughed at dinner about a personal little joke known only to us. And it was a good to feel like he was here with me because he wants to be. Not out of obligation. I think there maybe light coming from the end of this tunnel! But I will take it for what it is and not try to read too much into it.
The weather has been beautiful last couple of days. The only thing we didn’t do our weekend in SF was go on the cruise around the Bay (we had free tickets that expired on 4/30) because the weather was crappy and who wants to do a boat ride in lousy weather- not me.
The evening of 4/29 husband told me he wanted to take a half day off the next day, the weather was fantastic and he wanted to take me on the boat ride and then head to the beach to relax and watch the sun set. Really, I was pleasantly surprised. He has taken days off for lots of reasons but NEVER to just spend with me. And now he wanted to!, and do one of my favorite things -GO TO BEACH. Wow this is a first, and so spontaneous as well. (He prefers well planned adventures.)
So we met between his work and our house, left my car and went to the city. If you ever been to SF (usually much cooler and can be foggy a lot) you’ll understand how perfect the weather was, when at 7 pm it was still 79 degrees outside. He had packed all the things we needed, an ice chest with snacks and wine, blanket, chairs etc. and then after the boat ride we went straight to the beach and spent the afternoon/ til sunset enjoying each other, talking, laughing and feeling the love for each other. Somebody pinch me is this really happening? If I had listened to all the expert advice about the what and why of, and how to try handle the discovery of an affair, and what things you should see if a spouse really wants to work things out, I would of left and probably been divorced by now. While I took the things i’d been learning about affairs seriously, so many things while they made sense, just didn’t fit in my situation. I knew this required that I do what felt right for me. If I hadn’t chosen this path, (the one that is a little less traveled) I think I might of missed the opportunity to begin reconnecting with him. I might of missed out on what may be the turning point for our marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the feeling of safety yet. Feeling safe enough, in the other person and signs that show potential for an improved relationship is where I feel trust can begin to grow. This was a big step in the right direction for us. I’m sorry that it took hearing the news about my little sisters’ marriage ending to be that step. I’m NOT sorry that he (my husband) had to see first hand the tragedy of what can happen when they think that “the grass is always greener on the otherside of the hill”. IT’S NOT PEOPLE !
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!!
I mean I guess there are some instances where that MAY BE the case but most often NO!
To get to a point to restore trust, you must first feel safe with the other person and relationship. Safe enough that with a little faith we are willing to risk losing it all for the chance of a new improved relationship. It will take more than a single action to restore safety , and then trust. Both instantly relinquished upon D-day. I know there are many trees in this forest we walk but there’s no blindfold over my eyes as I must be wiling to risk losing it all for there to be a chance for change. I’m taking that chance- sometimes I feel like I owe doing this to all the other betrayeds who never were given the option. Not many have this opportunity