WHY? WHY? WHY?

No, No not that why question. You most likely thought the why question was “why did my spouse cheat on me?”,
but that’s not the question that has troubled me. Although that question will be asked by betrayed spouses over and over again. While knowing why is important to (hopefully) prevent further infidelity, to a certain extent it doesn’t really matter to me why he chose to pursue an affair, HE DID and I can’t change that, undo that. All the answers to why CANNOT change what has taken place.

No, the “why” question that has plagued me for months is; why despite remaining together and somewhat improving our relationship do I (most of the time) still feel awful inside? Is this as good as it gets? Why do I not heal from this so I can move forward in my marriage?

I have come to the conclusion that because H refuses to participate in our healing and recovery so we can move past this infidelity, there are needs that I have, that continue to go unmet. What I finally realize is this: knowing that him being a narcissist he will never accept responsibility for his actions. So by default he can’t give me what I need, really need to heal. So I just go along day to day wondering, if we can still get along why won’t these feelings just subside???? I mean it’s kinda of a dread, we are still together but it just doesn’t feel like I thought it would- open, honest and real healing to a relationship that as always been less than perfect. My mind and heart will have to accept that I will never get the answers I want from him. I don’t believe that he wants an open, honest marriage, where we work together to achieve our goals. HE THINKS that is what he wants, but I’m not sure he could ever relinquish control of any of it. It’s all about power, money and the image he projects to others. I just don’t think I can live with that. Live with the feelings of it just being off forever, that this is it!

I hate feeling crappy continuously. When these negative feelings persist and don’t subside eventually, I have to ask myself “Am I missing something here”? “Am I not listening to the life lesson found here?”. In his article “Beyond happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down” Matthew Hudson describes it like this;

“Negative emotions do us a great favor-they save us from ourselves. They’re signals urging us to change what we’re doing-and are actually necessary for feeling good. Each component of every emotion has a critical job to do, whether it’s preparing us to move toward what we want, improve our standing or undo a social gaffe. Emotions are internal means pushing us forward to goals that are important, even if we don’t recognize them.”

This article gave me that second a-ha! moment that I wrote about in an earlier post. I was still experiencing these negative emotions because I’m not paying attention to the message I need to grasp.
Disappointment,shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, anxiety, regret, remorse, envy, jealousy, fear, sadness and grief all serve a purpose in helping us grow as individuals. I’m beginning to get the picture here. I’ve got to make some changes in my life.

After discovery of H affair, staying together, I thought we would make changes in our relationship. Can’t do things the same and expect them to get better. But I don’t see him doing the hard stuff, the things I need to see and hear from him to move past his infidelity (regret, remorse, shame, guilt,answers, understanding how he has traumatized me) I was disappointed but continued to try my best. This became blatantly clear and soon began to make me angry. Anger grows when we feel undervalued.

“The frustration of devaluation that leads to anger quite often is the tool to get you what you want” describes Hudson. I also feel fear, fear never being respected or appreciated for who I am. Fear of not being able to save my marriage, of being discarded and being alone, never to share love again before the end of my days. Hudson goes on to say “Fears that cannot be addressed turn into anxiety. Anxiety can point the right direction when we aren’t living true to ourselves”.

Our marriage has always been dysfunctional, even from the beginning. But we loved each other and the sex has/had always been good. If in 20+ years if nothing has really ever changed, I needed to realize that it most likely NEVER WILL. I know there are things that I need to work on changing, within myself. But I feel so stifled in this relationship, never permitted to be who I am, that I haven’t done some of my own hard work. If I am ever to see the wonderful, lovable, kind and caring woman that is me, flaws and all, then I need to listen to what my emotions are trying to tell me. Ans as I begin to realize that this marriage will not really change,I don’t think H has no desire to. I mean I think he wants a better relationship between us but He will not want to open up the darkside of Himself. He absolutely is unable to address any issues of his own. Since I control no one but myself, I can’t make him change if doesn’t choose it for him self.

I get this part, it is time for us to seek what we need-but the answer may be that it lies some place else. Unless something changes once we TALK, it’s a sad fact but our time together has probably come to a close. It is an uncomfortable feeling, SAD? yes I am sad. MAD?, no not so much. I know I will grieve and despite everything always hold a special place in my heart. I think I could do this without anger or hard feelings. I don’t blame anyone, either one of us. We tried the best we could, for longer than we should have.

The affair happened because we should of separated years ago. After sticking it out so long I had decided if I was staying I had to try to make it better. And it was working (I thought) until my discovery that awful morning in September. The date that no betrayed spouse EVER forgets.

The affair, oh that one is ALL ON HIM. It was a thoughtless, selfish, fucked up thing to do to someone you say you love. He has abused me, in the most covert, loving fashion possible for close to 20 years. I knew I was right when I left him 15 years ago. I made a mistake coming back. Once I’m outta here I WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.

Please don’t misunderstand my message here. I am not telling everyone that they should end their marriage or relationship. I do believe that some marriages can be saved, mine is not one of them. It’s okay though I want to feel ALIVE AGAIN and to never walk on eggshells again!!! Or to NEVER, EVER have to ask myself WHY do I let a man treat me this way?

Check out Matthew Hudson’s article Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down it’s the Jan 2015 issue feature article. So that maybe you don’t always ask yourself Why do I feel this way?

Inspiring Blogger Award!

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Today’s Readers have something fresh for their eyes in the way of my NEW theme. It was time again for me to pick a new look to represent me. A couple of things inspired me to make a change:

1st) When I feel like I am making progress in some area of my healing, a new theme represents growth to me or some type of change. Being able to go several days in a row with triggers setting me off is BIG growth in my opinion.

2nd) A dear sister blogger CrazyKat, whose blog Try Not To Cry On My Rainbow has nominated my blog (I guess that means me!) for the Inspiring Blogger Award to which I say Thank-you very much for your kind gesture. It is a nice feeling to know, that sharing my story, about trying survive after husband’s affair, are of benefit to my readers, most often another human being who may be feeling so alone. I’ve always stated since the very beginning, if even one person was relieved of the hurt for just a brief moment. Then suffering would not be in vain. Thank-you you again Kat. The support I receive from sister/fellow bloggers and readers, continues to inspire me as well. Hugs to you ALL!–Chely P.S.   Did you notice?  I got the picture on this post and I now can embed the shortlinks –  Yippee!!!

 

The Rules of nomination:

1) Thank the person who nominated you 2) List rules of award 3) list 7 random things about yourself 4) nominate another blogger 5) contact your nominee and let them know 6) proudly display award logo in sidebar, about page or other special location on your blog

 

My nominees for this award are: Take a minute and check them out – both are worth it!!

1) Matt at the blog Must Be This Tall To Ride.  Describes himself as a divorced, single, a father, makes bad decisions and this is his journal. He has an open letter to shitty husbands that’s awesome. (Wish mine would read this). His style of writing and tell it like it is (to himself) attitude inspires me. Demonstrates that divorce is not the end of the world-just feels like it. Good job Matt!

2) Kristian at the blog Pixalated Lifestyle .  Describes himself as a world traveler, movie lover, reluctant procrastinator who has lots of thoughts scrambling around in his brain. I don’t think his description does him justice. I find that he is a young man who has his finger on the pulse of whats going on in this world, while still displaying integrity, showing his heart, and enjoying life. He has written some powerful pieces and it’s refreshing to see young people who are REAL. Good job Kristian!

 

 

RANDOM THINGS ABOUT CHELY THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN.

1) I was married once before, 10 years no kids. H wanted to keep our sex life from becoming boring by becoming “swingers”. We tried it, he loved it (wanted to do everyone) and It was okay, but not something I needed all the time . It wasn’t the multiple people part of it, more that he just  wasn’t as picky who we did (since I had a nice variety partners BEFORE I was married, I didn’t NEED to fuck everything that walks) so that didn’t work SO WELL for us. He ended up cheating too but I didn’t find out until after we divorced.

2) I LOVE to build sandcastles at the beach. I have my castle building supplies always packed and ready. Sometimes people tease me about it, thinking they’re too mature for that. But something about sculpting in that sand, on my hands & knees (better than dermabrasion) brings me closer to earth and what feels good, they say don’t stop playing if you want to have fun in your life.   I prefer being outside to inside any season. Much of the time I’m on the patio when I blog, yep even in the winter.

3) When I was little I wanted to be a go-go dancer in patent leather boots, inside the cage like Goldie Hawn on the show “Laugh-In”. Okay I grew up in the 60’s and still love to dance. I’ve been told I “shake it” pretty good. I have been to over 100 Live music concerts and music still moves me, but I don’t listen as much as I used to. Too many triggers in too many songs!

4) I am hooked on San Francisco Giants Baseball Team- Love going to the games in SF at AT&T Ballpark, it is like no other. My favorite players are Angel Pagan – center field, Hunter Pence -right field and Buster Posey -catcher. I’m hoping to go to spring training in Arizona in the spring. Yep -love them Giants!

5) If I’m watching TV most likely it is related to: something that explores science or expands my mind discovering ancient things,like ruins, bones, artifacts, caves & underground tunnels, etc. I MUST visit ruins in Italy and Egypt before my bucket tips.

6) I have a disease called Morgellons that is related to Lyme disease. It is no fun at all! I have a beautiful smile but it has messed my nose up some. There is still not a cure and a lot is not known about this. Scientific research is finally catching up with this ailment, for many years the doctors just told me it was all in my head. I knew that was NOT true and science is proving it.

7) If I had to live my life over again I would have decided what to “be” when I was younger,  so I could acquire the proper education for that line of work.  Whichs means I am a  “Jack of all trades, Master of none”.  I have  a plethora of knowledge rolling around in my head and know how to do A LOT of things, but not enough in one specific area to be truly useful to myself career wise.

So that’s my list- hope it helps you to know me better. Hugs to you all!! Chely

I Thought…

I thought…..

…..I had finally met the man of my dreams.

…..he was my soulmate.

…..he was wonderful and caring.

…..he loved ME.

…..he was one of the good ones.

…..I could trust him.

…..I was special to him.

…..our sex life fulfilled both of our needs.

…..he was smart, successful, capable man.

…..his words were true and his intentions good.

…..he was a good father.

…..I’d love him forever.

…..the same rules applied to us both.

…..we would be together forever.

…..he would never hurt or betray me.

…..he would never hurt me on purpose.

…..that this our marriage was what he wanted.

…..he had ended the affair.

…..my love would save us.

…..our years together(20+) would trumph the affair.

…..that as my hair starts to gray and gravity sets in we would still be hand in hand walking, on the beach
still able to look into one another’s eyes and know the struggles had all been worth it.

…..I think I think TOO much!

When you finally have an a-ha! moment

A couple of things have happened within me in the last couple of days. The kind of a-ha! moments that don’t always take place when they are truly needed. But maybe my luck is changing as I no longer feel the fear that has resided within me this last year and a half. Don’t get me wrong it’s still scary, but I no longer feel paralyzed by it.

Coming to a better understanding of how the mind of the covert-narcissist agressive personality operates has made me see that I no longer wish to play his victim. This is different than just knowing that I’ve been his victim, it’s seeing the motivations behind why he does the things that he does, that allows me to “step-out” of feeling sorry for him, which made me allow him to treat me this way. I’m pretty sure the way I’ve said is confusing so PLEASE PLEASE take the time and read these series of articles about the COVERT-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY by Dr. Simon George PhD.

These articles about manipulation, evasive answers, responsibility, aggression, intimidation, blaming, rationalizations, minmalizations, acting innocent are just a few of the categories he addresses. Reading the entire series made me “open my eyes” as to why nothing seemed to really make the situation better. Knowing that the choices he made about he handled his end of things was unspoken dialogue of the “him” I never “saw” before. I will no longer give him the excuses to cover up his deceptions. He will have to figure this one out on his own. My hand holding is over!! I’ll share the second a-ha! moment/article with you tomorrow!

http:://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/11/1/19/covert-aggressive-personality/

It’s more about what you don’t talk about

In the beginning (D-Day) I still believed. Believed the words that he spoke to me, the things that he told me. When he said he didn’t want to get a divorce. He had made a mistake. Me, being a person who has empathy, I felt his pain, how he could have felt alone those years as we were together, but not “really” together. So I decided I would forgive him. Leave it behind us, move forward to a new and improved relationship. Yes, take him at his word and offer the olive branch of forgiveness.

Through those first days and weeks as we talked, we spoke primarily about the needs each of us weren’t getting fulfilled within our marriage. I was thankful he hadn’t walked out on me, leaving me to figure this all out on my own. I believed he was thankful that I didn’t leave him.

It was awkward at first, communication was never one of our strong points and d-day made it even harder. So we simply started by being nicer to one another. Baby steps, tread lightly, reconciliation after d-day is a delicate process to say the least. It was difficult not knowing exactly what to do, what to talk about, how to act. Everything was different now, this marriage has a huge scar to bear-forever. A scar that needed to heal.

Trying to follow some of the advice I had been reading (I became obsessed with finding information to save my marriage) I would initiate a conversation on ideas to make sure “this” wouldn’t happen again, some new boundaries, a new “game plan” so to speak. They say when infidelity enters into a relationship/marriage that some of the “innocence” is lost. Basically the marriage you knew was over and that you must build a new one with your new history. Gently I would suggest various ideas for us to “work” on our relationship, knowing I shouldn’t push too hard.

As it had been in the past, my ideas were shot down for one reason or another (No counseling, no marriage workshops, no reading of anything of books or websites on healing after infidelity, barely any talk of the affair, events, or details). No forging of new ideas to make a better marriage. We were getting along decently and he didn’t want to jinx it with all that other nonsense I’d been reading. As usual, I back down and agree to just keep moving forward, not focused on past events.

While our interactions did slowly move to a comfortable place where we were sharing time together, being loving and doing activities and outings together. This is good I thought, but it didn’t feel like a “healthy” way to reconcile and definitely not recommended by any professional in this industry. Not the way I thought we should address our new life after infidelity. So many issues that we needed to discuss, for real healing to take place. But as usual we went with his plan.

As long as I “held up” my end of the bargain, things were actually improving on the surface. Anyone on the outside would think we have a good marriage. So despite making major improvements it still felt “hollow”. Not like what I thought a husband and wife who were trying to save their marriage would be like. No conversations about healing, definitely no details about the affair, basically superficial chit chat. Okay no conversations about the past, so let’s talk about our future, address some of the issues weighing us down.

But conversations were never about the important stuff. I felt as if I was simply spinning my wheels realizing that in all honesty he has no intention of ever tackling the hard stuff. It was back to the way it was, I walk around on eggshells never knowing if he would drop another bomb on me. He acts like nothing ever happened (never really apologized, feels no remorse that I can see), let’s just forget the past and ignore the need to create an improved future. I know now that this is not going to happen. My needs, once again, take a back seat to the “blueprint” he chooses to follow.

His words are believable, he talks a good game. His follow through totally sucks however. His actions do not match the words he speaks. Nothing but lip service. Yes the narcissist, also known as character disorder, is the master of lip service. Loves to spin his web of deception to snare the unsuspecting prey once again. At the moment I allow him this delusion. Playing the game the way he does. Let him believe all is fine. But my agenda will throw a wrench into his sick and twisted ways.

I know I cannot change him. All I can do is find my inner power. Each of us has really only one power within us, the power of choice. To choose how we will respond to any situation in life. I can decide where my path of life takes me. I have given him every opportunity to bring new meaning into our marriage. SHOW ME -don’t tell me. That has not happened, well truthfully he HAS shown me, that this will never be a partnership, working together toward our goals. My needs will rarely be addressed unless there is some benefit for him in it as well. Whether he continues to cheat at this point is irrelevant. Even if he has stopped (but I don’t think so) the way we are living our life is NOT what I want anymore. My needs will never be on his priority list. It’s just same ‘ol same ‘ol bullshit. Cordial and friendly but still bullshit.

So here’s the bottom line: If you never talk about the tough stuff, if your interactions are cordial but superficial, if you continue to wonder if he really loves you. Take a step back and see THE BIG RED FLAG staring you in the face. What you see is what you get, NOTHING IS EVER REALLY GOING TO CHANGE. I am interviewing two attorneys on Monday. I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.

“If you wonder if he loves you, you will continually look for things to tell you it is true. But if he truly loves you, you will never wonder because he will show you everyday”.
Sampra

LINK: marriage.about.com/b/2014/03/12/you-need-more

When the mask of sanity has slipped

As I sat down last night to begin this post I realized that being New Years Day meant that this blog is turning one year old. Happy birthday dear blog- we’ve been together long enough to say I’m in a relationship with you. In reality it’s pretty sad that in a years time so many unanswered questions still remain regarding my husband, my marriage, and my life. Here’s to 2015 bringing each of us closer to our goals (whatever they may be) and moving forward in our lives!!

dilemma- defined as perplexing,

Yes I still find myself facing my dilemma. Should I stay or should I go?? I really don’t feel that it’s too difficult to see the correct move- (yes I know it’s time to go) still doesn’t make this any easier to actually do. I mean once I begin this process, there’s no turning back. Just can’t undo a divorce once completed, it is so FINAL. Or is it really? I can answer that one, and it’s not what you think.

Remember back to the story of my sister who divorced her husband of 25 years, for another man that she knew since high school. Ended up marrying a different guy that she meet on the internet, after just over a year he tells her not working for him (what he said was “you’re sucking the life out of me” and they start divorce. Meanwhile her ex, broke up with the gal he had been seeing so my Mom starts playing matchmaker to get them back together again and on Dec. 18th the got married again! I know fucking unbelievable!!! While I’m happy for them (I guess) doesn’t make what I’m preparing to do any easier. Considering she (& H) are the ones to introduce me to my husband. Thank-you dear Sister.

I mean WTF she realizes that no one out there is going to treat her the way her H did and after marrying and divorcing someone else she gets to waltz right back into her happy life that she walked away from, no apparent consequences – got a brand new big ring and everything- what a spoiled fucking bitch! I know she’s my sister and all but I don’t think she knows how lucky she really is to get a second chance with the man she loved all along.

There’s no such second chance for me. I thought that I was getting that when we decided not to split up after d-day. I was so dis-illusioned thinking it all could be mended. That he realized the err of his way and was choosing me. But that’s not reality, not in my case, nope not at all. Mine is a pretty crappy poker hand, one of those that no matter which way you play it still is not the winner you’ve always dreamed of . No mine has become the choice of “which is the lesser of two evils?” Which will bring me happiness?? In all honesty, neither one is the answer I would choose but unfortuntly, there is no door #3.

So I’ve made consultation appointments with 3 lawyers- got to find a good one with experience in emotional/covert abuse and I mentally prepare to tell him what I’ve decided. He is not going to understand, not going to “get” why I choose this. Hell I still don’t believe it. Being backed into a position that forces me to make a choice. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I know that this is NOT what I would choose had He honestly committed to working on this marriage not just the lip service I was given. I know from the outside looking in we appear happy. Tahoe and the holidays were good- enjoyed myself (for the most part). It was the first white Christmas we ever had. THAT was simply spectacular. Watching the snow fall on Christmas Eve. Surrounded by my Sons, and Husband and in-laws. All laughing and smiling, everything seems so normal. as it should be, and then when I pause I realize it’s not reality. …it looks like it except…

…Except, except for the fact that he continues to cheat on me. Or whatever he’s up to… doesn’t really matter now anyway. He’s hiding something(s) from me. Throughout our entire vacation and even shortly after midnight on New Years Eve- he either texted or talked to “her”. I mean really, are you that obsessed with her that EVERY FUCKING DAY of our vacation your priority is that you must have daily contact with the whore! If you love her that damn much, be a man, and go be with her, I mean honestly who does he think he is?? The funniest (if you could call it that) part is that I don’t think that he knows, that I know what he’s up to. That I’m just so gulliable that I won’t figure it out. He truly does not know me.

In the world of technology, smartphones now make it possible for these smucks to not have to get a second phone for their private connections to the underworld. Yes one now has the capability of going behind a wall and conducting any type of business, hook up, whatever, completely undetectable. Or so he thinks. I know he regularly logs-in to an att passthrough account, allowing the usage of fake IP addresses, giving him the undetectable access he needs. I may not know exactly what he is doing but he is MOST DEFINITELY up to something.

At this point it really doesn’t even matter what it exactly is, but more that he continues to be deceptive and hide things from me. I mean it’s pretty obvious that he wants cake and gorge on it too. I know I cannot change him or expect him to change for ME! It would have to come from him. He makes it apparent what HIS choices are. I don’t think he even wants another chance. I think a years time is enough, to demonstrate if he is sincere about the things he’s been saying. For me to witness if his actions speak as loudly as his words do. They do. In as much of what they don’t say, as much as what they do.

Sure I can stay in this “looks like a happy marriage” but I would have to accept that his behavior wont change- (there are (at least) three of us in this relationship triangle of a marriage, if I don’t count his job). Seriously there’s not enough of him to go around, and I don’t want whatever he has left to give after everyone else gets their shares first. I deserve better than that. And I don’t mean just being friendly, cordial and acting lovingly sometimes. I mean I want a husband who wants ME! WANTS ME FIRST!!-CHOOSES ME AS HIS PRIORITY IN LIFE!!! Not like some reheated leftovers from the frig-YUCK!!

I realize if I stay I will have to accept his behavior as is. and I’m just not willing to do that anymore. All the other “crap” in our relationship I could probably deal with, but the continued cheating and lying are the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I will not stay where I am not loved and valued- as I am -as his first and the only one he chooses (not dependant on outside sources to make him feel complete).

I have to keep telling myself what the “goal” is now, so I don’t end up a battery operated stepford wife. The “perks” no longer seem worth the cost as I really see him for who he is and has been (all along). Not the knight with a polished suit of armour. That is only worn for the grooming of new victims. No, lucky me I get the real him with all the cracks and tears that a lifetime of deception has created. I must say he is extremely good at it, covering the cracks so most will never see them. Giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. But holding on to what??

The pipedream that the two of us will (still) grow old together, enjoy retirement, our grandkids and all the things we’ve worked so hard to achieve in over 23 years. Nope I will have ruined it all. When it all slips away (in his eyes) it will be my fault once again. Won’t understand why I walked out of a perfectly good marriage. It will be because of the nonsense I’ve read on the internet- it’s corrupting my mind, if you believe anything he says.

Will I miss him? Will I regret my choice? Most likely, there will be days of regret. I understand that, hell I have regret now about some of the choices I’ve made. So to answer my own question…YES, in some ways I know I will experience regret. Because in all honesty, he is not as “bad” as many of the psychopaths out there. Doesn’t hit me, or any other physical abuse. But it’s not a full life when like he barely tolerates me, like I’m lucky that he stays with me. He doesn’t call me foul names, but undermines discreetly, all the while smiling like the most caring person in the world. He keeps me in a fairly comfortable life (he has a good job, we live in a nice home, I never worry about when my family will eat, or have nice things. We travel and do many things that some may never get the opportunity, it’s a somewhat normal middle class life.) On New Years Eve, we had prime rib for dinner, partied & danced the night away with friends at the lodge. He can be so damned nice and caring and pleasant a good portion of the time that it is difficult accept just how unhealthy my marriage really is…but it is!

Once I am divorced I no longer have a companion on this journey of life. It will just be me- alone. Now the third wheel when out with other coupled friends. No longer a sex partner who knows my body and how to please me. No one to take care of me when I’m sick or to sit on the couch in the evening watching tv together. At family get-togethers I’ll be the one sister without a husband. My husband, the one who is the best fixer of broken things (except himself and relationships) he is SOOO good at fixing “things”. I will be giving up many “good things”. So many that I must continually remind myself of the ways he has abused/neglected me and our marriage for a very long time. So many that this is probably the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. BUT I WILL NOT, CAN NOT ACCEPT A HUSBAND WHO CONTINUES IS UNFAITHFUL TO ME!!

They say narcissists wear the mask of sanity. Some wear it better than others. The true masters are expert manipulators while fooling EVERYONE around them…for a while. Once that mask slips, it is difficult to reattach firmly. Oh dear Husband, your mask has slipped, here let me hold it for you just a little while longer.