It’s Time for a NEW UNDERSTANDING (when it comes to cell phones and relationships)

Even though I am on a positive track with my husband, it does not mean I have given up sharing any and all that I have learned in the hopes of preventing any type of abuse AND infidelity in relationships and marriages.  As many of you know the pain from abuse and/or infidelity is deep, intense and takes a long time to even begin to subside.  Knowledge is power.  If we only knew then what we know now.  So I will continue to post about my life and progress as well as pertinent information that I feel is worthy of sharing.  The key is to be able to reach those (somehow) that have not been hurt by a cheating spouse.  So if you have any thoughts on how to achieve that please share.  I think this next post is a very important message to get out there.  Read on…..

Technology and Relationships;  New Age, New Rules, A New Understanding 

How did you discover your spouse’s infidelity?  A cell phone?  Did they think that they were doing nothing wrong because they only communicated on a cell phone?  What is the one thing that has increased the ease to which people can partake in secret activities? The cell phone or more specifically a smartphone and the internet.  Studies are starting to show the negative effective technology is having on how connections are formed (or changed) due to the effects of utilizing this technology in our daily lives.  Hell it’s a requirement to be plugged in, in today’s workforce otherwise your kinda left behind. Like it or not this technology catapults us into the a new age of relationships and we must be aware it’s effects on our personal relationships.

Dr. Joseph Nowinski Ph.D. states in his article “Internet Infidelity When a Poke is more than a Poke”

“Researchers have begun to investigate the phenomenon of internet infidelity and some of this research is very informative, especially since it appears to confirm that infidelity is infidelity regardless of how it starts or where it leads to.”

If your spouse felt like they were doing nothing wrong because they hadn’t met in person. Then it’s probably time to talk about unacceptable behavior and cellphones and the internet.

Others studies looked further into this new arena and were surprised to find how the using a cellphone on a regular basis in normal day to day activities is actually changing how our brains make connections in relationships and the modified ways in which forming these connections is being printed in our brains.

In the article titled “Is your Smartphone Making You Dumb” by Ron Friedman Ph.D.  He states:

“Even when our phones sit perfectly still, simply having it in our peripheral vision tempts us to split our attention, leaving us with less mental firepower for our work.  But it’s not just our problem solving execution that suffers: A University of Essex study found that the presence of a cellphone interferes with our ability to form close interpersonal connections.”

What this means to me is that it’s time for some new rules when it comes to technology in your personal and professional lives.  If your spouse basically thought they weren’t doing anything wrong because they never met in person then maybe it’s time for a talk (after your read these articles) with your partner, friends and families about how this “change” can have detrimental effects on us.  If we ignore new understanding of what cellphone usage can do to us and our relationships, I think we will definitely see a rise in emotional infidelity.  There are plenty of other articles about what happens when our smartphones become smarter than us, too many to list  – just google it !

I feel like it’s to the point where you have got to decide with your partner what is acceptable and what is not.  Can they talk to old flames casually?  What topics are okay and what is not? How much transparency is needed in cellular activity? What work activity is a cover up for something else?  Considering how EASY it is to go incognito where everything is private and unseen,  what is your level of comfort with what they do share as the whole truth? What are your thoughts? How has a cellphone effected your relationships personal or professional?

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Could I of Possibly been Wrong??

With the way things had been going in my marriage, I certainly wasn’t expecting anything remotely related to romantic on the Valentines Day Excursion that was planned.  He had booked an overnighter in Half Moon Bay at one of the best Hotels in town.  (This is a special place for us from WAY back.)  He likes to travel so most things I’ve received of late had to do with travel (since He gets something out of it too).

Imagine my surprise as the weekend started out nice and just kept getting better.  Maybe He was listening when I really spilled my guts about how he behaves towards me since d-day, what I expected to see and feel from him after I forgave him. If we were to remain married and that is what he truly wanted then he needed to make a change.   So I must give credit where it is due.  He really managed to “show me” what He was feeling.  He most certainly had to put some thought to it before hand.  I was receiving unexpected romantic feelings that felt genuine (I know it’s crazy especially after my last post about settling), lt was different than it had been any day since I discovered this mess.

We were lucky enough to be able to check-in earlier than normally allowed.  Headed to our room to settle in before setting out  to the beach. As we entered ,I dashed to the balcony to take a look and breathe in the salty ocean air.  The view is spectacular.  As I turned around to speak to him, he was standing there with a big grin on his face.  I asked “what?” and he kinda cleared his throat and motioned next to him. As I looked I was taken aback , what I saw was a  crystal vase filled with two dozen red roses and orchids on the table next to him. How did I walk past THAT and not notice!  ( He had had them put in the room and hid them when he checked us in ,I stayed with car it’s a convertible). Oh my they were gorgeous! I hadn’t smelled roses that fragrant in quite some time.   Well maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

After thanking him, we made some cocktails in sports bottles and headed to the beach.  It was nice listening to music, talking, laughing, playing around on the shore. It had been a long time since I/we felt a connection like this.  I’m so glad we had this time before dinner.  The restaurant was right next door so after a glass of wine watching the sun set some we strolled over.  We had to wait just a bit for an outside table so to the bar and ordered cocktail.  I decided to order a lemon drop martini- I really like them but most bartenders don’t make them right so I rarely order one. It was made perfectly.  They called us to the table, he ordered another round as we examined the menu.  We both like to share our meals (don’t overeat and get to try more things that way)  An appetizer, a crab louie and a salmon entree were ordered.

I know this will sound silly but I just hate to sit directly across or next to him when we’re out on a date. So I prefer a square table to a booth so we sit on same corner not across. Why? you ask. Because sitting in that location fosters a much closer connection and intimacy  between two people as well as also communicating (especially if it’s loud) easier.  So never any business lunches like this.  Don’t laugh it really does create a closeness.- give it a try!  Heck if at a table for two I will move my chair to this position, as long as it’s NOT in the direct walkway.

As dinner arrived, we were having such a good time he ordered another round and we ate every bite of our shared meal- delicious.  It was intimate and very special.  This was the man that I fell in love with long ago.  Maybe there is a chance for us.  We strolled back to the hotel, put on some music, he poured wine and we danced slow and close.  Of course things progressed and we ended up on the couch mostly naked and began exploring each other with passion.  Wow maybe he really does still love me.  It was so romantic, my head spinning from it all.  No I mean i felt, …i felt……..

…..I felt sick! OMG NO!  I urgently pushed him off of me and stood up said “SICK”  and ran to the bathroom.  Even though I thought I ran quickly I didn’t quite make it to the toilet and christened the sink. Normally I have no problem holding my licqour but we had been drinking half the day, and the food was very rich and the romance caught me off guard so it was needless to say my night was done.  He tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.  (And cleaned up!)

I woke early and was so glad that I was feeling better, no hangover.  I made coffee and was sitting on the patio when he awoke. He inquired how I was feeling asked if I wanted breakfast and as I showered he went downstairs and brought up a tray of fruit, bagels & muffins and quiche.  We ate enjoyed the sunrise together and took up where we left off the night before.  We were really connecting and it felt so good  laying in his arms.  This was also valentines day so we exchanged gifts and cards.  I make jewelry and crystal dream catchers  (customized for peoples special interests)so he knows I love beads and charms.  Besides a beautiful card he gave me a charm that was a big diamond ring and said it was so I could make a “you & me” dream catcher, nice thought.  Shows he was putting thought into what he got me. He also said there was another little item at home too big to bring (it was a stone turtle ornament for by the turtle pond-so cute). We lounged through the morning, went for a quick walk before check-out.  (Couldn’t stay two nights booked solid).

We checked out, and planned another day on the beach.  We secured a good spot, set up our chairs and were very lucky to have weather in the 70’s in the month of February. He had all kinds of my favorite snacks and food for  our picnic that day as we soaked in sun talking and having a great time.  After a while, we went for a walk, he needed to  “drain the dragon” and we headed to the cliffs to an inlet. As I waited I noticed a small loft like area in the rock formation that you could climb up in and then peer over the top and see outside.  I was going to surprise him from up there when he came out.  The rocks were of a sandstone type solid but also kind of slippery (not from water), anyway as I tried to climb up I lost my footing,bounced & skidded down the rocks landing in the sand at the bottom.  OUCH!  I now lay twisted in the sand, scraped up (pretty decently,one foot, one thigh and arm and shoulder like a major road rash) as he comes running around the corner.

After helping me up,  asking me what I was doing climbing on the rocks in my bathing suit with no shoes.  I explained the loft and he shows me this rock he found in the sand.  He knows I like unique rocks, logs, shells and things for our yard and as he is brushing the sand off I’m thinking looks like an ordinary rock to me.  As he flips it over, still brushing sand away, he says “looks like something carved in it”.  He hands it to me and laser etched in the rock is the word ….LOVE.   What???  You found this rock??  No way.  It couldn’t of just been there and he began smiling and laughing.  It wasn’t found there  He had to of brought it with him!   I looked at him as he gingerly takes me in his arms (remember i’m injured) and tells me “I do chely, I do love you with all my heart”. OMFG  I must be dreaming, i would of pinched myself but I could feel the pain from the fall and knew I was awake.

Could it be possible that I really was wrong about him????

After all I’m not a mind reader and neither is he or any of us.  So maybe when I finally told him what I needed to continue to heal , he had really heard me.  Maybe he really didn’t know what to do, what I needed.  It’s like getting to know a person you’ve not met before when you stay together after an affair.  There is no script ,you no longer feel like you understand or know this person you are married to. So in many ways it is a new beginning no matter which way the road leads you.

Despite the injury, we still walked on the beach, played badmitten, twice that day (good exercise) had a picnic, drank from plastic wine glasses with hearts on them he brought and had an unbelievable day.  But he wasn’t finished yet.  We headed up the coast after dark to this little restaurant & bar that was on the way home for some dinner and then we went into the bar and even stayed and danced for about an hour or so.  I do like to dance!  Finally exhausted, we headed home.  I was feeling bruised up and sore but oh so loved and cared for by my husband.

He had “showed” me that my needs were important.  That he does love me despite our history and that he had made a  huge mistake having an affair.  Does this mean I trust him?  Absolutely not!  One time since the beginning of this, of showing me  is not enough to mean tHe has earned back all the trust.  I may never trust 100% again. It’s not about butterflies and rainbows in pretend land.  Hell no!  It has to be reality love.  Some days, warm and comfortable, some hot and sizzling and some even chilly days because everyone gets in a funk now and then.   But it does mean that maybe, just maybe despite being a narcissist, he does really love me.  I mean it doesn’t appear that he has had any physical contact with her.  This is information from my private investigator.  (An interesting story that I will write about soon.)  He could of course still be contacting her through work and I would have no way of knowing.  So let’s just say for the time being I’m not filing with my attorney-yet.  I’ve decided to give it another chance.

Yes I know that there are those of you who will think I’m crazy. And that is possible.  But I’ve always said my first choice would be to create a new marriage with him, I didn’t want what we had before that wasn’t working.  So let’s say I’m looking forward with a guarded heart.  A single positive interaction does not mean it’s all better now.  It means that it is possible that despite the odds, by focusing on our future, making sure that we spend time together, in the garden, the kitchen, on a date, in the bedroom allowing us to begin to love one another from a better understanding and desire to stay together.

I can always walk if things haven’t really changed.  I know who my attorney will be.  I have the money set aside to pay for him (from Mom).  I’m not afraid to be alone (i always enjoyed when I lived alone earlier in my life) and knowing I wouldn’t be destitute if I did leave makes it much easier to accept that as an option.  Some of the other blogs that I read these couples can be as far a four years out in reconciliation and just beginning to feel a connection again.  I’m a year and a half from d-day, so seeing what feels “genuine” to me is a sign that we just might be on the same page here.  If he still playing me, it will come to light at some point.  I’m turning my attention and focus on me, healing myself and my needs.  This  allows me a bit more time to see if what he showing me is really genuine.

I figure if I’m still here, there must be a reason. Being still here, I can’t focus on the negative anymore when it comes to us.  If I never “let it go” and move beyond, in reality what chance do we have?  Whether I end up staying or going I still need to “let it go”.  I don’t want this to follow me for the rest of my life, ending up an old lady bitter and unchanged.  I want to learn how to be a better me no matter where I go or who I’m with.

So raise your glass my friends

Sometimes it’s okay to be wrong!

When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO BUT NEVER POSTED- MY BAD!

 

When you suffer the pain of infidelity, the heartache of an emotional  or physical affair, deception in your marriage, a disconnect from the one you thought was that “soulmate”, when it looks like your marriage is coming to and end, you begin to think “is this it?”,  “Is this really the end of our relationship?” It most definitely feels like it.

Yet for some untold reason you stay together, sort of. Both remain in the relationship and continue day to day, but are they really there? I mean their hearts. You see their bodies but do you feel their heart?  If your answer is NO! Then why stay? I just couldn’t think of the right words to describe this until I read a post written by Douglas LaBier PhD.;  Caught Between “Longing” vs. “Settling” in your marriage.  In which he describes this dilemma so perfectly:

                     

                       “caught between feelings of longing for a relationship ideal that they think, might be real but unfulfilled

                              and a pull towards settling for what they have, with all it’s imperfections and disappointments”.

That was it, the word I couldn’t put my finger on. The word is  SETTLED.    It didn’t feel like he was choosing me, it felt like…

He was settling on me.

Settling because He felt comfortable with me.  That certainly makes me feel so special.   Even with all my imperfections and disappointments I’m still comfortable, I guess that’s how I see it.  I’m good enough to be the slave laborer but not enough to be the desired one.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie My Best Friends Wedding “You order creme brulee but what you really want is jello, jello is comfortable.” I guess I am jello.  Not good enough to make you only want jello, but brulee is something you only want sometimes.  Which is the lesser insult?

He simply cant make up his mind.   I imagine it is fear, fear of the unknown.  I’ll take a guess, that this is happening for both of us.  I try to wrap my mind around  what being single again, after 20 years of marriage , would actually be be like.  Especially in this technological, youth oriented, narcissistic world we live in today.  How does someone who still has empathy survive in this world of wolves, without being eaten alive again?

I’m not really looking forward to it in all honesty.

I HATE infidelity!!!