When the mask of sanity has slipped

As I sat down last night to begin this post I realized that being New Years Day meant that this blog is turning one year old. Happy birthday dear blog- we’ve been together long enough to say I’m in a relationship with you. In reality it’s pretty sad that in a years time so many unanswered questions still remain regarding my husband, my marriage, and my life. Here’s to 2015 bringing each of us closer to our goals (whatever they may be) and moving forward in our lives!!

dilemma- defined as perplexing,

Yes I still find myself facing my dilemma. Should I stay or should I go?? I really don’t feel that it’s too difficult to see the correct move- (yes I know it’s time to go) still doesn’t make this any easier to actually do. I mean once I begin this process, there’s no turning back. Just can’t undo a divorce once completed, it is so FINAL. Or is it really? I can answer that one, and it’s not what you think.

Remember back to the story of my sister who divorced her husband of 25 years, for another man that she knew since high school. Ended up marrying a different guy that she meet on the internet, after just over a year he tells her not working for him (what he said was “you’re sucking the life out of me” and they start divorce. Meanwhile her ex, broke up with the gal he had been seeing so my Mom starts playing matchmaker to get them back together again and on Dec. 18th the got married again! I know fucking unbelievable!!! While I’m happy for them (I guess) doesn’t make what I’m preparing to do any easier. Considering she (& H) are the ones to introduce me to my husband. Thank-you dear Sister.

I mean WTF she realizes that no one out there is going to treat her the way her H did and after marrying and divorcing someone else she gets to waltz right back into her happy life that she walked away from, no apparent consequences – got a brand new big ring and everything- what a spoiled fucking bitch! I know she’s my sister and all but I don’t think she knows how lucky she really is to get a second chance with the man she loved all along.

There’s no such second chance for me. I thought that I was getting that when we decided not to split up after d-day. I was so dis-illusioned thinking it all could be mended. That he realized the err of his way and was choosing me. But that’s not reality, not in my case, nope not at all. Mine is a pretty crappy poker hand, one of those that no matter which way you play it still is not the winner you’ve always dreamed of . No mine has become the choice of “which is the lesser of two evils?” Which will bring me happiness?? In all honesty, neither one is the answer I would choose but unfortuntly, there is no door #3.

So I’ve made consultation appointments with 3 lawyers- got to find a good one with experience in emotional/covert abuse and I mentally prepare to tell him what I’ve decided. He is not going to understand, not going to “get” why I choose this. Hell I still don’t believe it. Being backed into a position that forces me to make a choice. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I know that this is NOT what I would choose had He honestly committed to working on this marriage not just the lip service I was given. I know from the outside looking in we appear happy. Tahoe and the holidays were good- enjoyed myself (for the most part). It was the first white Christmas we ever had. THAT was simply spectacular. Watching the snow fall on Christmas Eve. Surrounded by my Sons, and Husband and in-laws. All laughing and smiling, everything seems so normal. as it should be, and then when I pause I realize it’s not reality. …it looks like it except…

…Except, except for the fact that he continues to cheat on me. Or whatever he’s up to… doesn’t really matter now anyway. He’s hiding something(s) from me. Throughout our entire vacation and even shortly after midnight on New Years Eve- he either texted or talked to “her”. I mean really, are you that obsessed with her that EVERY FUCKING DAY of our vacation your priority is that you must have daily contact with the whore! If you love her that damn much, be a man, and go be with her, I mean honestly who does he think he is?? The funniest (if you could call it that) part is that I don’t think that he knows, that I know what he’s up to. That I’m just so gulliable that I won’t figure it out. He truly does not know me.

In the world of technology, smartphones now make it possible for these smucks to not have to get a second phone for their private connections to the underworld. Yes one now has the capability of going behind a wall and conducting any type of business, hook up, whatever, completely undetectable. Or so he thinks. I know he regularly logs-in to an att passthrough account, allowing the usage of fake IP addresses, giving him the undetectable access he needs. I may not know exactly what he is doing but he is MOST DEFINITELY up to something.

At this point it really doesn’t even matter what it exactly is, but more that he continues to be deceptive and hide things from me. I mean it’s pretty obvious that he wants cake and gorge on it too. I know I cannot change him or expect him to change for ME! It would have to come from him. He makes it apparent what HIS choices are. I don’t think he even wants another chance. I think a years time is enough, to demonstrate if he is sincere about the things he’s been saying. For me to witness if his actions speak as loudly as his words do. They do. In as much of what they don’t say, as much as what they do.

Sure I can stay in this “looks like a happy marriage” but I would have to accept that his behavior wont change- (there are (at least) three of us in this relationship triangle of a marriage, if I don’t count his job). Seriously there’s not enough of him to go around, and I don’t want whatever he has left to give after everyone else gets their shares first. I deserve better than that. And I don’t mean just being friendly, cordial and acting lovingly sometimes. I mean I want a husband who wants ME! WANTS ME FIRST!!-CHOOSES ME AS HIS PRIORITY IN LIFE!!! Not like some reheated leftovers from the frig-YUCK!!

I realize if I stay I will have to accept his behavior as is. and I’m just not willing to do that anymore. All the other “crap” in our relationship I could probably deal with, but the continued cheating and lying are the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I will not stay where I am not loved and valued- as I am -as his first and the only one he chooses (not dependant on outside sources to make him feel complete).

I have to keep telling myself what the “goal” is now, so I don’t end up a battery operated stepford wife. The “perks” no longer seem worth the cost as I really see him for who he is and has been (all along). Not the knight with a polished suit of armour. That is only worn for the grooming of new victims. No, lucky me I get the real him with all the cracks and tears that a lifetime of deception has created. I must say he is extremely good at it, covering the cracks so most will never see them. Giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. But holding on to what??

The pipedream that the two of us will (still) grow old together, enjoy retirement, our grandkids and all the things we’ve worked so hard to achieve in over 23 years. Nope I will have ruined it all. When it all slips away (in his eyes) it will be my fault once again. Won’t understand why I walked out of a perfectly good marriage. It will be because of the nonsense I’ve read on the internet- it’s corrupting my mind, if you believe anything he says.

Will I miss him? Will I regret my choice? Most likely, there will be days of regret. I understand that, hell I have regret now about some of the choices I’ve made. So to answer my own question…YES, in some ways I know I will experience regret. Because in all honesty, he is not as “bad” as many of the psychopaths out there. Doesn’t hit me, or any other physical abuse. But it’s not a full life when like he barely tolerates me, like I’m lucky that he stays with me. He doesn’t call me foul names, but undermines discreetly, all the while smiling like the most caring person in the world. He keeps me in a fairly comfortable life (he has a good job, we live in a nice home, I never worry about when my family will eat, or have nice things. We travel and do many things that some may never get the opportunity, it’s a somewhat normal middle class life.) On New Years Eve, we had prime rib for dinner, partied & danced the night away with friends at the lodge. He can be so damned nice and caring and pleasant a good portion of the time that it is difficult accept just how unhealthy my marriage really is…but it is!

Once I am divorced I no longer have a companion on this journey of life. It will just be me- alone. Now the third wheel when out with other coupled friends. No longer a sex partner who knows my body and how to please me. No one to take care of me when I’m sick or to sit on the couch in the evening watching tv together. At family get-togethers I’ll be the one sister without a husband. My husband, the one who is the best fixer of broken things (except himself and relationships) he is SOOO good at fixing “things”. I will be giving up many “good things”. So many that I must continually remind myself of the ways he has abused/neglected me and our marriage for a very long time. So many that this is probably the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. BUT I WILL NOT, CAN NOT ACCEPT A HUSBAND WHO CONTINUES IS UNFAITHFUL TO ME!!

They say narcissists wear the mask of sanity. Some wear it better than others. The true masters are expert manipulators while fooling EVERYONE around them…for a while. Once that mask slips, it is difficult to reattach firmly. Oh dear Husband, your mask has slipped, here let me hold it for you just a little while longer.

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12 thoughts on “When the mask of sanity has slipped

  1. Julie says:

    My ex divorced me after 15 Years Together, 10 of it in marriage. If I had stumbled on this blog my second year of marriage I would not have put myself through a miserable 10 year marriage where he left me to marry the other woman…. She was one of two women he was seeinhw when he left me.

    The first left me after our third year in marriage for another woman and I was stupid and took him back. If he asked me to come back today I would say definitely no. In fact the decision would be easy.

    Your blog is just so painfully honest and even a little bit humorous yes you will get to that point . I was holding a really bad poker hand myself so I had to laugh out loud when I read that. But I will tell you something I no longer wake up and have to wonder who he is texting every day of the week just like you.

    My ex kept the blue tooth earpiece and every night around 10 o’clock he miraculously had to walk the dog with his Bluetooth in his ear.

    Money and lifestyle are just things . But how you feel can’t be bought. I truly wish I had come across a blog like yours. Like you we had just gotten back from a beautiful vacation and three weeks later he said I’m out of here.

    I have three college degrees I was fully employed no drug or alcohol addictions and I’m a fitness buff. But he decided to marry someone with a whole lot more money was more important. As he said to me … he can go to where there is financial opportunity or he can remain in love with me.

    Four days after he divorced me used my social security number to forge a credit card application to buy her jewelry . yes he really did. The credit card company did not bother to fight me for their bill because I showed them the divorce papers and they did not have a leg to stand on.

    Your blog is appreciated more than you could possibly ever know . And people that look happy together when you delve down a little bit deeper you realize so much of it is just smoke and mirrors in an attempt to fool family and friends that everything is okay with the world.

    Thank you so much for this blog and I’m sorry this letter is so long . You help people like me. This fall it’s been three years and I think I will be just fine. And beautiful lady you will be too.

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    • chely5150 says:

      Dear Julie, Thank-you so very much for your inspiring comment. I had taken (just about a year off from blogging) a break hoping to gain a little more clarity in my own head. A lot has happened and NOT happened in this year and I plan on returning to writing very soon. It is good to hear that someone actually finds this blog helpful or informative. Not posting for so long I guess I assumed no one was reading. I imagine in reality that this never really ends since it is now part of my history and unlike my husband I don’t rewrite history. I don’t mean by never ending that i will stuck in this nightmare, simply that it is what it is and accept that. It’s now time to make lemonade out of these lemons. I appreciate your comment very much as I have never really gotten that many does make one wonder what others think Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Not sure if you blog but I will check and see. Best wishes to you, I am happy to hear you are in a better place now!!.

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  2. lorna likiza says:

    Hi Chely? Happy New Year!! For some reason i find myself coming back to read your posts even though not a follower because you have a way of making the reader feel connected to you. I think this is the best decision you have made. In the very recent past actually, i used to put up with less because i believed that i deserved less. I wasn’t the Lorna i now am. I had let so much of my family issues (parents’ separation, dad’s rejection of me and narc mum that i didn’t know then and only thought her difficult and harsh) mess me up to the point where any jerk could do. I carried on that way to the point where i would question why God would allow me to go through all that crap yet i was sooo very young (19, 20,21 then). But that same God somehow showed me that i need to suck up to my situation and become assertive. It doesn’t matter how much my confidence had been ruined, i still had to force myself up, dust myself and face this world like an adult with lessons learnt of course. I think you are an amazing woman even though you don’t flash your face for your readers to see like i have, lol. You sound anonymously amazing and the fact that you have realized your hubby’s problem and that he is not willing to change, it is now time to cut him off and live the remainder of your life fulfillingly. And if God indeed gives you another wonderful chance at love with a healthy individual eventually, please do take it 🙂

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    • chely5150 says:

      thank-you lorna! Some days a kind word from someone is so needed to propel us forward for that day. Everyday is still atough one as I really am preparing my seperation steps. I know how hard it will be and that it will hurt as well but it is a neccessary step if I am ever to truly feel whole again. Just today I read an article that really, really I mean REALLY made me understand for what? and why? I have this happening in my life. I think you will like it I plan to reblog (if I can figure that out) but its the January feature article in Psychology Today- titled “Beyond Happiness”, can’t remember authors name but you can’t miss it. Let me know what you think about it. Thanks I’m feeling a smile coming on just typing to you today!!

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      • lorna likiza says:

        Hi Chely? Sorry i’ve taken a while in getting back to you. Been extremely busy these past few days but today i saw your reply and decided to check out the article. I kind of agree with the author that our negative emotions can at times work for our benefit and especially on the anger part but on the envy and jealousy part, i don’t quite agree. I always feel like being envious and jealous of another person only manifests itself as really toxic to the objects of our envy or jealousy. I believe in motivation as opposed to being jealous or envious. Like for example striving to work harder because another person seems to have gained positive results from working harder. I noticed the author gave two different meanings of envy and jealousy. I have always thought them to be one and the same thing guess because English is my second language or from using the two terms interchangeably to mean the same thing. But all the same, i think the article is insightful and enjoyed reading it. I’m glad that my comment uplifted you to some extent. I have to come back and read your two latest posts when i have enough time.

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      • chely5150 says:

        Thanks lorna! I know what you mean about finding enough time to keep up with all the things that I’d like to read or that I do follow. The article that I mentioned of course could have different meaning to different people, and the portions about jealousy and envy apply more to my nar. husband than me (he’s the one never happy with what he has). But the article hit home for me as to why some of the feelings that plague me have never gone away despite my efforts. It’s the “you” inside trying to communicate with the “you” outside (I am speaking about myself) to tell me that I am not listening to the lesson of life it is trying to teach me- like a slap in the face to stop making excuses for him, to take back my power and take back my life . The message has been there all along but I’ve continued to ignore it for the last 15 years, so the message had to get stronger (my discovery of his affair) before I even considered listening. Even then I refused to accept the truth, yes that’s called DENIAL, but then I had to live there for awhile. Then reading that article knowing the only way to silence the crappy feelings, the abuse is to NO LONGER BE SILENT. Just because it’s coated in sugar doesn’t mean it’s not ABUSE. And these feelings go away when I no longer fear standing up to it. Because of friends like you, when we encourage one another to be strong – I am finding my voice! Thank-you!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Athena Saber says:

    I truly wish you luck. You do not deserve this pain. It’s excruciating. You might feel sad and lonely and angry but there was nothing worse than living with my ex while he was talking to his whore. I wish i had kicked him out sooner in hindsight.

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    • chely5150 says:

      Thank-you. Some days it feels like if it weren’t for bad luck i’d have no luck at all and others well not as bad. I agree it is literal HELL not being privy to the truth. But I realize I may never know and just have to accept that i won’t. In all honesty i’m kinda waiting til the investigator is done and gives me final report- not exactly sure how long that will be. What I do wish is that we had separated in the beginning, Just to be away from him for a little while is a much needed. Instead I’ve watched that mask really slip and see how he is inside, not what he shows the rest of the world. If he wasn’t one of the “good” narcissists it would make this so much easier, but mask on or not I realize when his actions don’t match his words (and rarely follows through on anything promised in reasonable time) that he truly is not planning on changing his wicked ways. You mention that you wished you’d kicked him out sooner- does that mean that you have or planning to? Maybe I can ask you being a wordpress only (and not real tech savvy) how do I open someones gravatar blog ? I hoovered over your icon went to the site but can’t figure out how to actually open it- any advice? I’d like to check your blog out. And one last thought- thank-you for taking the time to comment I always appreciate when someone takes the time to share their thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Athena Saber says:

        Hi chely – if there’s one thing i’ve learned during this process, it’s that my gut instinct is usually right. I have for too long ignored my intuition in good faith. Never again. My soon to be ex finally moved out right before thanksgiving. We started our talks in september. He is not a bad person. He is just selfish and weak. I did too much justification to myself based on that he is not bad. It’s only now I’m finally internally realizing that that was not enough.
        As for the gravatar thing… Im not the savviest… I just realized, thiugh, that somehow this is under my name rather than my blog, how strange. My name has no blog. My blog is divorcewithme.wordpress.com. Glad you told me that. Im going to see what im doing wrong, lol!

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      • Athena Saber says:

        And same to you. Thank your for sharing yiur thoughts as well. We are here to support each other. It’s nice not to be judged and just be able to share your feelings. Xo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. CrazyKat1963 says:

    Wow, Chely. Such a long and heartfelt post. Be true to yourself. Happiness for yourself and integrity in a relationship is what you seek, do not let what others think about your relationship status or the shallow trappings of what a marriage is supposed to look like distort your thoughts. All that matters is your health here. I am so shocked you do not confront him, just to see his reaction. Or did you and he denied everything? It seems impossible for him to deny the phone situation. You seem miserable. Coming from someone who cares and understands a lot of your feelings, what are you waiting for? Are you trying to get things squared away legally? Also, I would have hid his phone on New Years Eve, just to see how freaked out he got. A piece of me was glad I was ignorant to all my husband’s cheating, otherwise, I might have gone insane concocting scenarios just to have him deny them. Hugs to you!

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    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks for your support and reading what ended up longer than I realized post. Sometimes the words just have to get out of my head. Maybe abit miserable but honestly not as bad as I thought i might be coming to this decision. Still sucks but it is what it is. Yes i havent moved forward yet(trying to get through holidays and enjoy them too. Need to find lawyer before I actually confront and tell him. Still must live here until atty tells me okay to leave (mostly about finances and walking away could jepordize my settlement. Just have to get those ducks in a row before we begin the unraveling of it all. It is such a tragedy to end what had the potential of a great marriage. Thanks for listening!

      Liked by 1 person

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