Seven Hundred And Thirty

It doesn’t sound like much.

It doesn’t even sound that long.

But long it has been.

And exhausting to be honest.

Seven hundred thirty days.

One hundred four weeks.

Or simply two years.

As it turns out.

We only really grow when we suffer.

730 days of pain behind me.

730 days of learning.

That I am who I am.

Not a marshmallow.

Not a BITCH.

Just me.

An individual identity

More than Mrs. So&So.

More than “his” wife.

Not simply talking the talk.

Report card on growth.

Got a job that I really wanted.

Established banking and credit in my name alone.

Cleaned out closets and some  clutter.

Learning to be assertive.

No one’s doormat.

I only control myself.

Others no longer dictate my feelings.

Say NO!  when that’s what I feel.

Still really don’t like to cook .

Grown-ups can fend for themselves.

No one has a broken arm.

The maid has left the building.

Lost for many of those 730.

Knowing  how Alice felt.

Never ending, slow motion descent.

Bounce like shoes made of flubber.

Assertive, not loud or overbearing.

Calm, not crying like a baby.

Changing the only thing I can.

Like my friends the turtles, slow but sure.

Remembering that I count.

Stand up and be counted.

Human and imperfect.

Perfectly human.

Accepting who I am.

Loving myself first and foremost.

Validation from within.

Not required from without.

Just a bonus.

Seven Hundred and Thirty.

Days and nights of highs and lows.

Life goes on.

Survivor here.

Destination, not so important.

As is, the ability to enjoy the journey.

New latitudes, new longitudes??

My compass has been demagnitized.

Tough to repair.

Sometimes you simply need,

a new one to journey with.

 

Are you color blind?? What color do you see??

Are you wearing those stupid glasses that changes the color of everything around you??

Are you??

I was for a very long time….so long I have a permanent indention from them.

Everyone who is in the position to be exposed to this filter needs to recognize that those glasses actually cause blindness.

No two pairs of glasses allow the same view, so we must absorb and watch for our own exposure.

Glasses now removed.  What color do you see??

***As my due date approached, he asked me if I had the baby pretty soon would I mind if he went on the annual houseboat trip without him.  (Not if he wants  me to be here when he gets back).

***As I realized I don’t think his jokes are funny.(Sarcastic,rude, demeaning comments are not funny-even if he’s just kidding).

***When he would ask me a question and in the middle of my answer simply walk away. (Then ignore me as I attempt to bring him back into conversation).

***When I was not allowed to use his tools to fix something minor, because that’s for men to do.  (Yet  would never fix it and put down my attempt at doing it). I have my own tools now.

***When any idea or suggestion that I had would be ignored completely as he knows  “the right way” to do everything.  (Even though my idea was the best solution to the problem).

***When not allowed to have any stuff lying around even if right in the middle of a project, must look like the cover of Good housekeeping magazine at all times.  (Yet leaves his crap everywhere but explains that’s different).

***When doing anything (cleaning, cooking, yard work, caring for kids) not doing things “the right way”. And must be instructed on the correct way to do it.   (Even though end result would be the same or even better).

***When I realized that the kids and I were not supposed to go do anything fun if he were working because he wanted to do it too.  (Never mind a bunch of Moms and kids were going in summer while schools out-but not us).

***When I realized my requests for a certain action (in the bedroom) would not be fulfilled no matter how many times I would ask.  (If it doesn’t turn him on then it’s not happening).

***When I realized he had tricked me into signing a quit claim deed when refinancing, so to hurry and get a great rate and would be changed after re-fi completed. (We never got that great rate and he has yet to put my name on the house).

***If kids and I were watching something on TV, when he wanted to watch, simply walks over changes channel and proclaims it’s his TV.  (Can’t wait til end of show so we can see the end).

***Bust my ass all day long.  But when he walks in looks around, rolls his eyes and can only see what wasn’t done.  (Never all the things that had been completed).

***For not greeting him properly when he arrives home from work.  Never mind i’ve got dinner cooking, finishing homework and dealing with 1000 things.  (I should drop everything and run to praise him for working so hard all day long when I do not).

***No matter how much thought or money I spent on gifts for him.  He would mostly never use them.  (if it was from me had to be crap, even though he as a $300. tablet just sitting there untouched).

***When he would never call me during the day just to talk to me and show he thinks of me.  (Even though I may text him little flirty things, maybe even provocative picture and would be completely ignored or answered in one word statements.  Yet I see how wordy he can be with others he interacts with).

***When everything concerning my disappointing behavior is to be addressed. (Yet I am not allowed to mention anything that he could improve upon).

***When he took three days off to decide what color to paint his truck.  (But would never take a day off just to spend with me).

***When after he injured himself, being stupid, I hurry to the store for bandages etc., spend my last dollars on them.  To return and stand there waiting to bandage him but he was watching TV and never would even acknowledge my presence by saying- “just a minute I want to hear this”.  (I put it all away and then he admonish me for not caring that he was hurt ).

***That the BIG presents at Christmas couldn’t be from Santa. (Because he wanted the kids to know who spent the money on them).

***That he would control all the money because I wasn’t good at it.  (Never mind that he never paid child support for his daughter then got socked with $$50,000 in back child support and when didn’t keep up on payments had his wages attached).  OKAY BIG RED FLAG!!

***Because I had no access, I ask him for money for something, because I have to ask.  (And he keeps forgetting, for days to bring any home for me for me or won’t give what’s in his wallet because that’s all he has on him- but he can get more at any ATM).

***When I realized that you didn’t have my back when it seemed the world was against me.  (Oh the picture he would paint to anyone who would listen about my problems and how crazy and awful I am).

***When he would agree on all of us going on a bike ride during weekend.  (Then make us wait until the latest possible moment on Sunday when it’s starting to get dark, no wants to go anymore yet have to do this so he looks like a great husband and father with all the things he does with us).

***When it became obvious that he cares more about what strangers/acquaintances think or feel. (Much more important than my opinion).

***When he made absolutely no effort to help me heal after the discovery of his affair.  (Just get over it, it’s over trust me).

No friends I have had those damn glasses on for the last 20 years.

While I  was wearing them I could not see the color red that was screaming at me.

Nope I could only see the color white,and you know what a white flag means??

It means  surrender.

Which is exactly what I did.

Prescription for color blindness.

Remove glasses to see reality.

Everyone’s flags are different, but the prescription is the same.

Oh and my glasses have been stomped on and thrown away.

a little

There’s always;

a little truth

behind every

“just kidding”

a little knowledge

behind every

“I don’t know”

a little emotion

behind every

“I don’t care”

AND

a little pain

behind every

“I’m okay”

from a pin by Laura Beckman on Pinterest

E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-M-E-N-T 101

I hope and pray that this is the last

last one ever have to write on the subject.

mere fact that I’m a human being,

makes it highly unlikely

that I will ever happen.

Knowing myself

I have had to open wide,

wide enough to allow,

insertion of  one of my size nines

i’ll travel this path again

mortification 101

Yes it is the awful,

awful screw up

As a blogger,

it’s extremely embarrassing

I imagine

it is one of the most grevous errors one could make .

To receive a blogging nomination,

and thank (and post) to my nominator

only to realize

after the fact

that I had thanked

the wrong person!!!

Yes dear followers

I have egg on my face

actually

I feel covered from head to toe.

So it is with much EMBARRASSMENT

that I must own up to my mistake,

beg for forgiveness

and thank the my nominator properly.

So I offer

a BIG HUMBLE

THANK-YOU,

I’M SO SORRY

THANK-YOU

I AM SO,

SO SORRY

to my nomInator

for the Leibster Award ,

BUMPS N POTHOLES

She is a young woman,

who grew up in Africa,

in a family with dysfunction

specifically a narcissistic mother,

or Mum as she would say.

her writing speaks of daily struggles

growing up in such an environment

I found her blog as I struggle

to help my own adult children

deal with the legacy handed down

generation to generation

NARCISSISM

She states she is no expert

has no formal training in

personality disorders and

their behaviors.

But I feel her writing speaks volumes

of what growing up with narcissism

in one’s family can be like.

First hand experience,

the need to understand and

years of exposure can make

anyone an unwilling expert.

I applaud her for speaking up against

family situations and domestic violence.

It doesn’t always manifest as most think.

So I ask you to assist me

in my plea for forgiveness

and go and check out

her blog and tell her chely sent you.

The story of a relationship with a narcissist: I Am Not Special by Hope

An Upturned Soul

I am not special.

When I was a child, the message from my parents was clear: Take care of yourself. We don’t want to do it. You are not special. And so I became an adult very early in life, full of determination to be self-sufficient and self-determined.

At forty-five, a disordered person took an interest in me. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, at the least. Diagnosed, I believe. Malignant narcissist? Sociopath? Possibly. She admitted that she had no conscience, was sadistic, and had a penchant for the chase. Either way, the terms are blurry and it doesn’t really matter.

We will meet the disordered. That’s unavoidable. Estimates of those without conscience and empathy range from 1 in 100 (Checkley) to 1 in 25 (Stout). And if you get close to one, you will suffer. These are relationships of inevitable harm.

This morning, I woke up with an analogy on my mind…

View original post 1,390 more words

Liebster Award Nomination

When someone bestows upon you an award nomination for the blog you write, for me it is a both a humbling and rewarding feeling.  I was recently nominated for  Liebster Award Nomination by the author (bugsmetwo) of the blog bumpsnpothole.  She writes about her experiences growing up in a narcissistic family, how it has effected her, and her struggles to cope with life being raised in a home with dysfunction.  I find her honesty about her troubled marriage, struggles with men and relationships very interesting, since I too grew up in a home with dysfunction myself (who doesn’t have some right?).  I also look at her blog to understand how she Ideals with feelings and emotions, as in my own two sons have grown up with their (more than) fair share of dysfunction.

I want to extend a BIG THANK-YOU for the nomination.  It is comforting to know that someone can find something of value in the words I write.  Whether it is learning about something, sharing concerns, or simply a place to feel not so alone in our life’s struggles,   I am glad that through writing about my experiences, my blog can be that place.  Again, Thank-you sister blogger!

Rules of the nomination:

The 11 questions that she asked:

1.     What motivated you to start this blog?  

When I made the discovery that my husband was having an affair, I was devastated and didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation.  At first I didn’t tell anyone, but felt so alone.  Without any answers on what to do I turned to the internet and found a world of  information and support.  I only read and then ocassionally commented for four months but was encouraged by another website to tell my story, as much of what I read about my specific situation (married to a narcissistic man/possible sex addict) was a bit different than most I read and honestly while inspiring they didn’t give me much hope.  I wanted a different outcome than what predicted so I began my blog to share my experiences and while no expert thought that maybe my writing could save another from the pain and suffering that infidelity brings to your life.

2.     Have I achieved my goal by writing this blog?

Yes and no. The yes; I have shared my experiences and read about so many other’s that I have felt support and comfort needed when I felt I had no one.  No one that would understand at least. It was/is the only place that could be found that was a life preserver when I was drowning.     Has my marriage been saved?  That answer is yes and no.  While my husband and I are still together and basically getting along fairly well.  We do enjoy spending time together and do enjoy many of the same activities.  But the no portion is that I feel that we haven’t tackled the bigger problems we have,  than the just the affair.   The dysfunction within our marriage and families are issues that must be addressed if this marriage is to survive.  I enjoy writing my blog and reading and supporting others in similiar situations.  I don’t mean finding joy in others suffering but knowing that there are those that do understand and to not feel totally alone.

3.     Do people close to me know of my blog?

No, most do not.  Only 2 or 3 of my closest friends, I never told them they couldn’t read it but I don’t think that they have.  Occasionally, I have read them part of a post as I was working on.  But it would be me asking if something sounded right or if it was understandable to others.  I suppose if family thought I was blogging and wanted to see it,  they could find it because it’s not private or hidden.

4.    What is your favorite hobby?

“Hello, my name is chely and I’m a bead-a-holic”.  That is a little joke my bff and beading partner and I have between ourselves.  I love to bead, make jewelry, adorn clothing, create mosiacs and various other things created using beads.  I joke about being a bead-a-holic because despite have acquired a large inventory of beads -I ALWAYS WANT MORE! I once purchased at a garage sale a pretty big rolling suitcase stuffed with beads, accessories for $30.00.  It was so disorganized and just shoved in there it took me two months to sort and organize everything.  When I did and assessed just what I had gotten – My guess was that it was over $1000.00 in beads etc.  I just about had a bead orgasm I swear.

5.     What would change about self or makes me who I am?

I wish I would of perserved more in my education when I was younger.  I am a smart, dynamic woman who has missed opportunities that I know I could of excelled in simply because I did not have that piece of paper, even with demonstrated success through experience.

6.     How has life treated treated you and how do I handle it?

Sometimes not so fairly I felt.  But the biggest part I learned it that life in NOT  always fair that’s just the way it is.  I have handled it well and I have handled it poorly.  Doesn’t do that much good to complain – no one cares as much about me but me.  So acceptance of what is allows me some peace in dealing with ups & downs in my life.  For better or worse it is life.

7.     Are you a people person?

Absolutely.  I don’t shy away, love meeting new people and open to lots of opinions and ideas.  I’ve done sales frequently and have been told I could “sell ice to eskimos”.  But not all people are created equal in that some are givers, others only take and after awhile I become unable to be around people like that regularly.  Because I’m compassionate, caring and yes giving of myself, I have to keep my awareness up so to not get drawn into their drama and situations. And not end taken advantage of or manipulated.

8.      What do you do for fun?   

I love to walk.  I love to dance. I love to bead.  I love to bead.  I love the ocean and the rivers and lakes here throughout Northern California.  So may great places to be outdoors.  I also love to do DIY projects, building, repairing with tools, power tools.  I’m the female version of “tool time Tim” -anybody remember that show?  I hate to cook.

9.     Can I laugh at myself? or take a light approach to serious situations.  

Sort of, I can, but it is more like a scolding inside that chides me for making stupid mistakes.    Being married to a narcissistic husband for 20 years has taught me that everyone has their own opinion and just because mine maybe different doesn’t mean that I always have to change my view to match theirs.  I’ve learned to take what hesays with a grain of salt and let it roll off my back.  If I don’t let it effect me then that behavior looses it’s power. Doesn’t mean right or wrong simply that my life’s experience has lead me to a different one than yours, and I have a right to my own as you do yours.   I don’t like it when people try to take the light approach when using sarcastic humor towards others (which is bullying/abuse) and then tries to laugh it of and imply that the target doesn’t have a sense of humor.

10.    Do I have toddlers? and if so how do I deal with tantrums?  

No toddlers.  Mine are all grown (at least physically), they grew up in this family so without doubt have areas and issues that they will need to deal with a some point in their lives. I hate that they grew up exposed to the toxic ways my husband and I related to one another.  It’s really not funny, but I used to joke that we were the poster family for dysfunction.  I can’t recall any tantrum tricks that I used (that worked anyway).  Seems like along time ago.

11.    Are you a specific person when it comes to timing and order?

Not exactly sure what you mean but ….  Friends used to tell me I was one of the most organized people they knew.  Everything has a place it belongs at.  A spouse who is a pack rat (not quite as bad as “hoarders” show) and attempting to keep up with all the “stuff” of 4 people (boys very much like him) –  But after some time, I couldn’t handle it spend too muc time looking for misplaced things.  But it’s tough to get back to organized well when you let it go.

The award says eleven more random facts about myself.  Really I’m not that interesting.  But I’ll try:

1.  I prefer outdoors to indoors anytime (even winter) Have a great patio and backyard.

2.  Love my sons but I always wanted a daughter.

3.  Talk too much and often a bit loud, but I swear I’m not yelling.

4.   I’ve had sex with a woman before and while it was okay, the thought of it was more exciting than actual for me.

5.   I wish I had a good singing voice, alas I don’t but it doesn’t stop me from singing in the car loudly.

6.   I have wide taste in music, and have attended over 100+ concerts in my years. FOR REAL!!!

7.   I have struggled being the chunky girl most of my life, so the affair weight loss was the only good from that discovery.

8.   I was so glad when J. LO made having a big booty cool.

9.   Chocolate cheesecake is my weakness.

10.  I’ve realized I don’t have to fit into everyone’s “cookie cutter” ideals to love myself.

11.  You already know this, but if you are my friend and you needed my help, I would be there for you.  You could count on me.  Some think of this as a weakness,  I do not.  But it does open me up to be taken advantage of on occasion. But I understand that and would rather be who I am than pretend to be someone I’m not.  You can call it whatever you want to.

The award calls for me to nominate 5 others for this award. (with less than 200 followers).  This part was difficult as there are so many good blogs out there. In my opinion anyone who is willing to write about their story and share their writing on a blog is deserving, but I’ve chosen the following 5 for the unique style or topic.  I hope you find them as interesting as I have, do check them out .

1.     Pot-Pourri

2.     Healing After His Affair

3.     Wrath of a Woman Scorned

4.     The Paper Heart

5.     Taking the Mask Off

eleven questions for nominees:

1. how long have you been blogging?

2.how much time do you spend blogging-in a day? in a week?

3.what is the best thing for you about blogging?

4.does your spouse/partner read your blog?

5.what’s your favorite movie?

6.what’s your favorite way to relax?

7.if you could change one thing about yourself -what would that be?

8.name one thing on your bucket list?

9.do you believe in extra-terrestrials?

10.what’s your favorite food?

11.how would you describe yourself in 15 words or less?

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEWEST LIEBSTER AWARD RECEIPTANTS

Whew!  Finished with that.

STICKS AND STONES

*** My actual post begins in the paragraph below.  But I needed to make a quick comment about the subject of “co-dependency”.  I have drawn a line in the sand on this one and stand my ground firmly.  I do not like the insinuation from many articles about this that imply that ALL the problems in my marriage are caused by me.  I hadn’t been so giving, so kind, doing for others before myself then I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in.  Well I disagree with my entire being.  Being a compassionate and caring person does not give my husband the right to be abusive to me.  I have always owned that I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes, but that shouldn’t give him the right to receive a “get out of jail free card” simply because I am compassionate, sometimes to a fault.  Just because people don’t witness the abuse (or receive physical injuries ) does not mean it did not occur. Would you tell a woman (or man) who came to you with battered and beaten and blame her for the abuse?  I think not.  I entered this marriage with good attitude, positive thoughts and expecting a partner who had the same goals, prepared to tackle whatever life throws at us.  Not to be belittled, invalidated, gaslighted , or cheated upon to the point of feeling like I had lost my mind.   So yes I take a hard line on this one folks. You may think I’m crazy, I’m co-dependent or a whole laundry list of other monikers.  BUT I AM NOT AND I GET TIRED OF BEING TOLD THIS.  I’m not here to win a popularity contest,  I am simply finding my way through this nightmare by standing up and no longer accepting that this is ALL my fault.  I didn’t make him a cheater and abuser.  I also respect the right for you to have a different opinion than mine .  But please don’t fault me for standing up and crying FOUL, abuse is horrid.  Covert emotional abuse is underhanded, sneaky and hurts just as much as if he had broken my body.  I know it is difficult to grasp, but please continue reading and take a look at the links at the bottom.  They certainly explain better than I ever could.  Thank-you.***

If asked to describe what covert emotional abuse looks like I am sometimes at a loss for words. Precisely because words, they are the weapons utilized by the abuser.  And they are very good at using these veiled weapons.

Words are sticks and stones.  And sometimes they CAN and DO hurt as much as a sharp blade or a clenched fist.

Yet I stumble in my attempts to help others see what I live with.  I realize that this is important, if ever covert emotional abuse is to be understood by someone who can’t see it.   I must be able to accurately describe this. The right words will give my response credibility.  So as I explore the various ways to say this,  I look to some of these websites and blogs I follow to assist me with terminology that best fits.  It is not easy explaining  emotional abuse to someone who has never experienced it.

Taken individually occurrences don’t necessarily seem so bad. However  it is the cumulative effect they have on your mind (and body) that is so devastating. Then what happens is; one of these interactions between the two of you occurs.  To onlookers, this appears (by itself it)  fairly benign.  But it is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, triggered, you react.  You are not reacting to this isolated incidence, you are reacting to the cumulative effect of years of just such experiences (you experience the hurt from all these events combined not just the one).  And those who don’t understand think you’re going crazy over something not that big of a deal alone   It is draining and it can destroy you after time.  And you do feel crazy because it’s the stupid little things that push you over the edge.

To better describe how the cumulative effect takes it toll on you I will use the analogy of the shoreline, where water meets rock.   Each day as the tides come and go, water splashes against rock.  A single drop of water on a rock certainly cannot change in the rock. The rock is strong and the water tends to splash differently each time it approaches.

However in some places,  the water approaches each time to exactly the same spot on the rock. Time after time, year after year, the water continues, relentless. As tides come to shore everyday without fail. And despite the stone being very strong, the years of that water endlessly pounding against the same spot on the rock wears it down. It takes time but without fail the rock will change. Sometimes a little or a lot.  I have seen entire rock formations change in shape through the years from the waters continuous pounding.  The rock is no match for the water.  In that specific spot the water will win out every time.

It seeps into your soul.  Changes the landscape of the rock that you are.  But the water, the water seems  not effected at all.  And because the water can look so seemingly beautiful and innocent as it wears the rock down, others have a difficult time grasping your reality.

Oh it can’t be that bad they may say, or but you have such a good life and he is such a nice guy.  And I don’t doubt that they believe that.  He IS a nice guy, as long as you’re not his rock (or baby rocks) you WILL see the beauty in him.   It is not surprising that onlookers only see the beauty of the ocean.    Not thinking how the daily, endless tide does wear the rock away over time.

So I ask of you PLEASE, PLEASE if anyone ever comes to you and asking for your help because their partner is emotionally (& covertly) abusing them.  Don’t discount what they are saying simply because you can’t see it with your eyes.  They a reaching out for help because they feel unable to escape.  If you are their true friend, give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them -no matter what!

I still love the ocean in all it’s wonder and glory.

But I will no longer allow the water to crash down on me, changing me.

And I do think they need to get rid of that child’s rhyme.

Because sticks and stones do hurt AND the words hurt just as much.

invisible abuse – how they get away with it

Are “nice” guys really covert narcissists?

how a narcissist treats their spouse

The exhausted woman-eight mental abuse tactics narcissists use on their spouses