Okay- nobody fall over I’m actually posting without my little wordpress reminder letting me  know it’s time.  (Whatever made me think I could do a post a day? I LOL myself)  Anyway husband and I have plans this weekend with another couple we’ve  known for a long time.  I’m a HUGE, HUGE San Francisco Giants (major league baseball if your not familiar) fan and on Saturday we’re going to the game in SF, that evening going to ride some jet boats (not really my thing, but I ‘ll go enthusiastically), staying overnight and then going to a car show (hubby loves these – i’m ok with them – wish he’d finish the truck he’s been restoring for 15 years so we could really be a part of these more) in Half Moon Bay. Great location – one of my favorite places.  NO KIDS (or young adults). Thank-heaven we’ve finally reached the point where it can be just the two of us (or with other adults/couples).  Not that we don’t and haven’t  enjoyed  family trips as well. 

That definitely would be one of the positive things in remembering our past.  We have been able to go with the boys to some amazing places, exciting adventures, learning and exploring whether on a cruise or just camping or backpacking.  We spent many years in the Boy Scouts and that was always a good thing.  That’s where we meet the friends going away  with us this weekend.  Back to my thoughts here sorry. The other day husband and I were talking about a past event and it was funny how I remembered certain things and he others, both valid just funny how different things adhere to our memories.  I wonder what memory each boy would have of the same event.  When you recall that memory you are brought back to the emotion you felt when it was made.  It’s a good way to start getting more positive thoughts in your head. 

The laws of attraction state generally speaking you will attract the energy that you yourself put out.  In other words if you have a nasty disposition that’s probably what you’ll get back from the people around you.  So you can’t spend everyday putting out negative, especially if you’re trying to save your marriage after any crisis/trauma (infidelity).  It just won’t work.  So you’ve got to put out some positive energy folks or you’ve got a really, really big challenge in repair to your fractured relationship.  So  here are my tips for “How to treat the one “you say you love” if you want them to love you again.   OR   Don’t let the spark in your love for one another fade away!!

 

     1.  Treat them like it’s your last day on earth together:  if they leave the seat up &dirty clothes on the floor-AGAIN, would it really matter if either of you were dead tomorrow.

     2.   Don’t forget to let them know you appreciate them for all they do:  yes they will forget to do things, or make decisions we’re not always happy with so remember the things that they DO more often than the things they don’t and tell them.

     3.   Always hug and greet/say goodbye to your partner by their given name, it shows you respect them as a person. Save the endearing terms ( honey, baby etc.) for your regular  conversations.

    4.   If you’re not feeling it a the moment -pretend – ACT LOVINGLY (not syrupy, goo goo eyes) show kindess in your words, tone of voice, and actions towards each other pretty soon the feeling comes more naturally.

     5.   Remember back to when you fell in love!  Close your eyes remember how your heart felt, your body, your emotions.  Bring that strength of emotion to be together and share together , back into your heart.

     6.  Make a habit of spending time just the two of you, not matter what it is.  Sometimes it might be gardening, shopping, folding laundry taking a nap.  Sometimes it needs to be a date -dinner,  dancing, bird watching, the monster trucks,  weekend away or a Cancun vacation  whatever fits with the two of you and your style.

     7. Flirt, tease, romance your partner keep that spark and sex life ALIVE.  Try something new ; text him sexy messages several times during a day (you really want results send a slighty naughty picture of yourself  as well)  see how he behaves when he gets home .  You yield a lot of power when you fulfill their fantasies, be open minded within reason. Try a new location, position, massage oil, toys – i’m sure you can think of something .

     8.  Hold your breathe!  When anger and vengeance want to spew from your lips take a deep breathe, release slowly, then reframe what you wanted to say to not cross to the dark side ( otherwise known as the blame game).

     9.  Do ask yourself what one little thing could I do today- that’s not expected – to make their world a better place.  Wash their car, clothes, bring ’em a bottle of water when their outside working hard anything (more a gesture than a gift although small gifts are ok too) that shows you put thought into making your life together a happy place.

    10.  ALWAYS SLEEP NAKED!  That doesn’t mean sex every night at all- simply it’s very hard to remain angry when your bare skin is snuggled together as you drift off to sleep! 

 

 

So there’s my list.  You don’t necessarily have to agree with me (but no snickering either) it’s simply my list.  Make up your own or feel free to add your suggestions below and i’ll incorporate a master list at some point.  Most important whatever you do, do something to keep your love alive! 

GO GIANTS!!        

  

Ten tips on how to keep/bring back love into your relationship

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Take the DAMN cotton out of your ears aka: Why they just can’t hear us!

Hi !  I’m a bit behind in my posting  so I’ll jump right in!

 

You know how anytime you need to talk to your partner about anything to do with relationship issues, your never quite sure how to approach them so as to not put them on the defensive the minute you open your mouth?  Well maybe you don’t know.  Maybe your one of the lucky ones who communicates fairly well in your relationship.  However if your reading my blog you probably fit into that first category along with me.  Generally speaking, a lot of marriage/relationship problems are exacerbated by poor communication skills, along with the history of automatic negative responses (learned behavior) when dealing with each other.  I am at the head of the list on that tablet.  So here’s how it went:

 

The tracking device has now been turned off.  So I am no longer able to see where he is at during his day.  I had to do it, it was kinda driving me crazy.  So no more tracking and I have to trust that he is where he says he is.  My only request is that he calls me when he’s headed home because he never gets off at the same time and I like to know when I can expect him.  And he does this pretty regularly generally about 6:30pm so depending on traffic I should see him by about 8.  So the other day he calls to let me know he’s staying til about 7:30 ( to see the second shift guys and catch up on work).  So I thank him for letting me know and figure I see him about 9pm.  So when 9 comes and goes then it’s almost 9:30 (and he didn’t call when he actually left that night) it kinda sets off a trigger in me.  I call his cell # – no answer. I try his desk -no answer.  So by now it’s 9:40 and he rings me back and says “yeessss?”  I hate when he answers the phone like that!  So I inquire how’s the drive, must be bad cuz your really late.  And the he starts the oh god your not going there are you?  Now i’m pissed and have to loudly tell him that we’ll talk about when he gets here-whenever that is!

 

Yeah not the best way to start a conversation about something that I spent a good portion of the day figuring out how to get my feelings across so it didn’t seem  like I was attacking him.  I had it all planned; how I would say isn’t it funny how doing the right thing(I assumed) still could produce a trigger emotion in me.  How he will call to say he will be leaving then not actually leave for another 30-45 mins. or forget to call until he is almost home or wherever along the way. When that happens it triggers  me to feel that he is NOT WHERE OR DOING WHAT HE SAYS HE IS and how I need  his help in figuring a way to reduce/eliminate triggers.  I wasn’t saying HE WAS doing anything wrong, simply wanted to share how I felt so we could understand each other.  But of course when we had the phone verbal exchanges I should of known that it was too late to use plan A right now.  But when he asked (after sitting together on couch for awhile)  if there was something I wanted to talk about I figured better just do it.

 

 I proceeded and  barely got past that this still triggered me (never even got to finish ) before he started in with the “well what about you, you haven’t done this or that”   I thought here we go again.  I told I’d him i’d be happy to talk about any issue he has with me AT A DIFFERENT TIME, this was my initiated conversation and I didn’t think we could handle more than one subject at a time.  But at this point he could no longer hear anything I had to say- even though my intention was to say I WAS having this problem, not that he was continuing to create it by actions(cheating) only by not calling and leaving when he says (unthoughtful behavior).  I knew I should of just let it go.  At this point it’ s like they have cotton in their ears and are not going to hear you.  It made wonder, “why can’t he hear me”?  I know I speak English well, don’t have an accent and most people seem to understand me just fine.  Is he even trying to hear me? PLEASE REMOVE THE COTTON FROM YOUR EARS MY DEAR!  I figured it could be one or two things:  He really can’t hear me (hears  but doesn’t hear ) or hears and choses to play stupid (I know he’s smart enough to comprehend) or he hears and choses to totally ignore anything I have to say.  Usually he can twist it around so well.  Two steps forward and three steps back.  I thought how in the hell can I try to communicate if he’s not even listening!

 

In Psychology Today, a blog by Dr. Jeremy E. Sherman named Ambigamy , I found a post titled “Why wont’ they listen to reason?”   It states that by approaching this situation  from ” there only  3 basic reasons for such a situation to take place.”   Let explain a little more, however here’s the link to the entire article:

http//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/201403/why-wont-they-listen-to-reason

When faced with this situation there are 3 ways to interpret it:

     1. they CAN’T understand:      don’t have the faculties to understand. one enchilada short of a combo plate you know what I mean

 

     2. they DON’T want to understand:     they could and actually can understand but for whatever selfish reasons or excuse they use to ignore you they due.  I find the excuses generally pretty lame or twisted.

 

     3. they think they SHOULDN’T have to understand:     they are more than capable of understanding they simply choose to totally disregard anything you say unless there’s something in it for them.  Otherwise you’re not worth it.

 

Well let’s see;  I know he passes #1, as for #2 we could get stuck here – they actually say this one can be more unpredictable than the  #3 response.  Well I guess since he’s a nar it’s somewhere between 2 and 3.  He doesn’t always disregard everything I say just a lot of the time.  OK cotton back in the ears.  Here are the recommended responses to each of the above:

     #1-don’t push they’re not capable due to limitations

     #2-try pushing harder- they owe it to you so make ’em pay up

     #3- do not accommodate- don’t push let it go and walk away

 

So I know I have choices on how to handle things and i’ll probably make some wrong choices as it always seems I do, but for now I want  HIM to stuff some extra cotton in his ears as;  my girlfriend (the one who knows) is coming over for a cocktail or two on the patio and  I have been truly making an effort so I think it’s time for a well deserved “bash the mother fucker session”  (ok so he’ll never know) because it allows me a chance to release let the built up tension before I brooch the subject again.  Then I MAY put cotton in my ears, and I WILL CHOOSE not to hear him for a change!

 

        

I’m thinking about having my tattoo removed.  You may have seen it.  Well maybe not it’s invisible.  It is there none the less.  Right  there, in great big letters on my forehead.  Can you guess what word it is?    One word (maybe two), such and innocent  word but when placed across one’s forehead takes on a totally new cryptic meaning.  Have you figured it out yet?

                                                                    DOORMAT-

My tattoo must say doormat! And truthfully I’m growing a bit tired of it.  So it may be time to have it removed.  I’ve heard it’s rather painful to have a tattoo removed.  Sometimes it requires multiple procedures to fully remove it.  Probably a lot like teaching oneself to no longer be that doormat.  Guess I’ve found another thing that I can add to my list of things I have to work on.  Realization is so much fun!

 

You know I was really feeling pretty lucky, maybe even guilty, that my husband never left after D-day.  Not one night did he stay away from home.  So when he expresses his wishes to remain together and work on things in our relationship.  I take it at face value, benefit of doubt thing I guess. Because I truly expected him to leave.  Ok, sounds good, let’s work on things.  I decided early on that I would forgive him.  Not that he didn’t deserve to have his dick cut off.  More so, so I could move past the intense anger and emotions that ran wild through out my body, brain and heart.  The only way I could move forward was to forgive him.  Then I could focus on being positive.  I didn’t want to dwell in that nasty spot too long. I’ve read writing from women who are still in the “on fire anger”  after many, many years.  It would’ve eaten me alive.  I accepted my portion of responsibility for my marriage being in hell.  I accepted none of the responsibility for his affair.  Besides I kinda figured that maybe recovery wouldn’t be quite so long and drawn out if we looked forward, and tried to treat each other with love and kindess.  I believe that we both needed an opportunity to show one another that we mean what we say and our actions demonstrate that.  To regain some trust between us and heal from this nightmare.  I wanted to believe his words otherwise why wouldn’t he just leave. 

 

Since my husband is a very successful stealth narcissist and really hadn’t owned anything, taken responsibility, or really shown remorse for his affair. ( On top of that, I knew he was also having a mid-life crisis)  I thought by being the first one to step up and demonstrate that our life together could be better that he would see how his perception was skewed and begin to demonstrate this more openly.  Give it some time I said -don’t rush into any decision.  And in many ways things did improve.  We are getting along better, spending time together, making plans and it felt like progress.  I worked (continue to) on my personal areas needing attention and he seemed happy with improved upon me!  (I have to do these things either way so I say that sarcastically).

 

But I kept getting the feeling that I am the only one initiating any changes in the routines of our daily life.  I wasn’t seeing any hints of remorse, understanding of how  his affair affected our marriage, or seeing that there were changes he needed to make, as well as me, to make this marriage work.  I mean I really thought that he should of realized “how fucking lucky he was” that I didn’t want to be one of those bitter, stuck betrayeds that I often read about. I accepted that I had not always been good to our marriage in the past.  But I don’t know if it was the lack of any remorse or the phony feeling I get from some of his behavior.  But ya know how you see things and they just seem,  well,  authentic,  yes I think this is the word I’m looking for, UNAUTHENTIC.  Gives the appearance of being real but lacks certain qualities to make it 100% true fact,  that’s my interpretation.  Well you know that old saying “walks like a duck, smells like a duck, quacks like a duck, then must be a duck.  Well it walks and quacks like a duck but something smells fishy you know.  But I don’t say anything.  I realize I would probably get some stupid story.  So I began to really start observing his behavior.  Occasionally I would bring up an article I had read or about possibly of working through a program to help heal from this, come out stronger on the other side.  Or how to tackle one of our problem areas at our house, or anything,  so we were working together,  towards a common goal.  But he would always rebuff any suggestion of this.  So I thought be patient – give it time girl. 

A narcissist must have a constant supply/s of this adoration and I guess conquest mode of searching for new supply.  When I first met him, we had a pretty instant attraction. (We were introduced by my sister who said “got this guy I want you to meet your perfect for each other I just know you’re going to fall in love and get married”.) And as we got together and began dating, it was the first time I felt secure, not jealous at all.  It was a new feeling, never experienced before I had always had some jealousy in previous relationships (and marriage -yep married for 10 years before I met this one).  I had always heard that when you didn’t experience the feelings of jealousy it meant your relationship contains those elements to make a healthy relationship.  So I never once felt jealous of his friendships, work relationships, time out with friends. Because he felt secure, & loving. He always said (me too) that we were soul mates.  As bad as our marriage was, I never once, thought he would cheat on me.   Well you know how that went-BIG MISTAKE! 

While we are out somewhere together, either shopping or out to lunch,  I began to notice something about him. Something I hadn’t previously noticed, his mannerisms, his voice, how he interacted with others, specifically women.  Nothing that an outsider would view as out of place but it was just – I don’t know. Very subtle, but really strange to observe from outside looking in point of view. I always knew that he wears a different face when he’s not at home, so others will see who he wants them to see. So I simply observed, not as a wife but as an outsider who knows his little secret. Nothing so obvious that he would notice me. He is slyly working it. He behaves just shy of flirting, but a little more than cordial. Like he cares about them.  Every female store clerk, the bartender when we went out the other afternoon,  basically ALL women who he had a casual contact with.  He seemed so sure of himself, casual, yet charming not quite flirting. Not limited to only young beautiful women but ANY woman. I could see it now. How his radar is scanning for potential new supply.  It was a creepy feeling,  not jealous just creepy! Maybe that’s why I occasionally find a business card with female name but on back a “home” number. Why would he need this # if he’s only doing business with them. Oh boy is HE ever good at this.

    Watching TV together is another place I’ve observed this.  He is so intent on commercials and programs with women in them. It so frickn creepy!  A blog I follow recently posted about how TV programs have become too difficult to watch with their unfaithful spouse.  Programs that were once loved are looked upon with a different frame of mind, so many glamourizing infidelity, men always after a female conquest, that one both should not be persuing.  It’s appalling to me how society has learned to think it is a joke, to harm, control or take advantage of people (especially women).  Frankly it discusts me! Demoralization of women is the main ingredient in many of these so called story lines in the entertainment industry .  Music is just as guilty.  It really is sad that after all the progress for women’s rights that hard earned gains have become an achielle’s heel of sorts. Be careful what you wish for it’s coming back to bite us in the ass!

So I feel a bit differently these days as I interact with my husband.  Between the constant double speak, distorted truths,  stories or reasons made up to be somewhere.  (You’re not going to believe a comment that was added by someone on a blog but her spouse had even said that a good friend had died to use as an excuse to escape.) OMG! Last year my husband told me about his good friend who passed away. At the time I wasn’t going to things with him very often and since they were his friends from past he went to the services alone.  I never checked up on it- did he make that up too? (Added update: his friend DID pass away from sleep apnea.)

  I feel his unauthenticity even more now.  I have given him every opportunity to approach this recovery delicately and slowly. To allow him the right to come to these realizations at his own pace, not mine.  And I think a healthy person would have started down that path if they were sincere, but my husband is not a healthy person in that aspect.  I did know this however before I choose to try to work things out. So please don’t say “I told you so”. But there are so many unanswered questions that I still have and as much time as gone by he should be coming round a little bit, not working me like narcissistic supply.

The spying hasn’t been that helpful because the results are not 100% accurate.  Out in more rural areas where we live it works best, but still not conclusive enough.  Sometimes just gives me more questions.  So do phone records and finding receipts for either purchases that don’t make sense or the best one; a receipt showing he was in a town when he should not of been at that time of day. Then when I checked my phone I received a call from “his desk” when he was heading home that evening, but obviously he wasn’t there.  Can you say spoof call app!  He doesn’t know I know these things.  I’ve gotten better at holding my tongue.

I also wonder about how his previous severe anxiety attacks, vertigo and his ” poor me” attitude had ended as abruptly as it had started.  Pretty obvious now,  probably eating cake again!.  I don’t know if it’s the same flavor or a new variety or if it’s lots of cupcakes.  But pretty sure cuz I think see some frosting on his lips!  When I subtly question him about his behavior or lies he just denies the validity of any of it.  Then continues to state I’m seeing something that is simply not there.  I’ve heard it all before. But it’s harder to not believe,  when you don’t have any conclusive evidence. 

I do think I’ve become too patient with his behavior.  I really don’t trust him yet.  Recently, I read an article about when you give them too much time AND by never confronting the subject directly, it sorta backfires on you.  They begin to think that the won’t have to fess up or deal with any consequences.  Without my seeing any real remorse seeping into him,  I realize this is what I may have allowed to happen. MY BAD – just too nice for my own good.

  I mean we couldn’t figure it out before why in the hell does he still think we could do it now by ourselves. I want to do a recovery program but he’s not interested, so I asked what’s your plan for making sure this doesn’t happen again. No answer that had any substance to it.  I always said that time will tell. And time may just be beginning to learn to speak.  This is a work in progress, a road I stumble down as I search for answers.  Answers to questions that would help heal my mind.  But he isn’t offering any answers today. My horoscope said  “don’t tell anyone any information if they’re the type that might use it against you to ruin your reputation”.  Guess I don’t want to confront him tonight-LOL!

Maybe i’ll just get a new tattoo,  to replace the one I want to remove.  Something like “doorway to the bakery”!      

 

      

Links to articles I’ve referenced:

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-double-speak-and-distorted-comparisions

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-snooping-wont-help#comment-51176

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/marriage-did-you-marry-the-wrong-person

Looks like I’ll be opening a bakery soon with a tatoo shop in the back!!

His Birthday Cake

Twelve years ago I attempted to divorce my husband. Everything was packed, I had filed for divorce, moved to my sisters house with the boys (they were 5 & 9 then).  I was ready to start a new life.  We were apart for 4 months and as you may realize I went back to my husband.  My point in this tale, is to explain about a regret I had. A regret in the way I handled things with his family.  I found out much later that his family, especially his Mother and Sister, were extremely hurt that I basically never spoke to any of them about circumstances.  I was family to them, and they had always been good to me.  And I just blew them off.  I realized much later that,  that had been a mistake.  That was not who I was and how I treated people I cared about. So flash forward – 2014. 

During those first few months after D-day, when I wasn’t sure what the hell was going to happen. I realized  that every indicator said he was probably going to leave me. How in the world will I be able to explain all of this (without seeming like I’m crazy)?  I had no idea how much he had told others or what he may have said throughout the past (the smear champagne).  However I was not going to make the same mistake again.    My “other” family, our friends, heck even my family, all who knew nothing of our current situation would have to be told and  I wanted to be able to explain myself  without having to deal with the emotions and questions sure to follow.   

Words and phrases started tumbling around in my head.  Then sentences and phrases started popping up .  I grabbed a napkin and started writing.  The words fell together, almost sounded like poetry, and it felt like the only way I could say what I needed to say without feeling like I was being a bitch.   But I also know,  that should we eventually go separate ways I want the truth to be known.  Obviously I haven’t done anything with this poem except write it as a blog draft.  I thought I would post it at this time because I may never use it- hopefully.

 

His Birthday Cake

 

My heart it is so empty,  as I pen this sad good-bye

our marriage it is over,  no longer will I try 

Never did I think, how horrible it would end

thought our love strong enough, to survive both storm & wind

So blissfully we started out, two babies we did raise

amazing that they even survived,  growing up in narcissisms’ haze

 Try? oh yes, I try so hard, my fingers bleed & break

then I smile and he kisses me, and I bake his birthday cake

Never would he trust, or maybe lean on me

“tsk, tsk you crazy woman,  you know nothing can’t you see”

So off he goes in search of her, to commit a moral sin

being but mere mortal man, I willingly forgive him 

Guess he never realized, my hero it was “he”

never could see my side, forest has too many trees

Because of course “man knows best”,  as woman I have no say   

my ideas, oh no, not worthy, it always had to be his way

Wicked words are his arsenal, In my daily torture such pleasure he takes

but I smile and he kisses me, as I bake his birthday cake

How long has this been going on? to count we must use years

our marriage he has torn apart, no longer I shed tears

Took everything promised to me , gave it all to her

 thought I would stand so silently, no more will I endure

Breaks my heart to mention, alone he will grow old

I always tried to warn him, “shall reap just what you sow”

No longer can I stomach, the food that he doth feed

tried to run much sooner , but back he always did lead

Cry out to someone “save me” , but no one ever came

to help me off this prison floor, end this pointless game

Played his stupid mind games, raise his hand he never did

but his words are made of venom, used only on me & the kids

Without us to sustain him, new victims he will seek

be careful if he looks at you, that hole is very deep

You could say I’ve had my fill, of him and all his crap

pleasure that’s forbidden, she squirms upon his lap

His mouth when it is open, speaks no truth -just lies

only bent I am not broken, for him I will not die

Thinks that he has done no wrong, as sure as I sit in this chair

sure that if you did ask him, he thinks he did not “affair”

A ” perfect”  little family, part of his façade and his delusions

“this” certainly not mine, I’d of preferred a different conclusion

Know I’ll always love him, everyday til end of my life

become so painfully obvious, he no longer wants me as his wife

Friends and family please know I love you and I always will

his love is just too toxic, can’t swallow that nasty pill

Tremble as I write this , no longer will I fake

so sad, it is, it really is , but I’ve baked his last birthday cake.

By chely