Hi ! I’m a bit behind in my posting so I’ll jump right in!
You know how anytime you need to talk to your partner about anything to do with relationship issues, your never quite sure how to approach them so as to not put them on the defensive the minute you open your mouth? Well maybe you don’t know. Maybe your one of the lucky ones who communicates fairly well in your relationship. However if your reading my blog you probably fit into that first category along with me. Generally speaking, a lot of marriage/relationship problems are exacerbated by poor communication skills, along with the history of automatic negative responses (learned behavior) when dealing with each other. I am at the head of the list on that tablet. So here’s how it went:
The tracking device has now been turned off. So I am no longer able to see where he is at during his day. I had to do it, it was kinda driving me crazy. So no more tracking and I have to trust that he is where he says he is. My only request is that he calls me when he’s headed home because he never gets off at the same time and I like to know when I can expect him. And he does this pretty regularly generally about 6:30pm so depending on traffic I should see him by about 8. So the other day he calls to let me know he’s staying til about 7:30 ( to see the second shift guys and catch up on work). So I thank him for letting me know and figure I see him about 9pm. So when 9 comes and goes then it’s almost 9:30 (and he didn’t call when he actually left that night) it kinda sets off a trigger in me. I call his cell # – no answer. I try his desk -no answer. So by now it’s 9:40 and he rings me back and says “yeessss?” I hate when he answers the phone like that! So I inquire how’s the drive, must be bad cuz your really late. And the he starts the oh god your not going there are you? Now i’m pissed and have to loudly tell him that we’ll talk about when he gets here-whenever that is!
Yeah not the best way to start a conversation about something that I spent a good portion of the day figuring out how to get my feelings across so it didn’t seem like I was attacking him. I had it all planned; how I would say isn’t it funny how doing the right thing(I assumed) still could produce a trigger emotion in me. How he will call to say he will be leaving then not actually leave for another 30-45 mins. or forget to call until he is almost home or wherever along the way. When that happens it triggers me to feel that he is NOT WHERE OR DOING WHAT HE SAYS HE IS and how I need his help in figuring a way to reduce/eliminate triggers. I wasn’t saying HE WAS doing anything wrong, simply wanted to share how I felt so we could understand each other. But of course when we had the phone verbal exchanges I should of known that it was too late to use plan A right now. But when he asked (after sitting together on couch for awhile) if there was something I wanted to talk about I figured better just do it.
I proceeded and barely got past that this still triggered me (never even got to finish ) before he started in with the “well what about you, you haven’t done this or that” I thought here we go again. I told I’d him i’d be happy to talk about any issue he has with me AT A DIFFERENT TIME, this was my initiated conversation and I didn’t think we could handle more than one subject at a time. But at this point he could no longer hear anything I had to say- even though my intention was to say I WAS having this problem, not that he was continuing to create it by actions(cheating) only by not calling and leaving when he says (unthoughtful behavior). I knew I should of just let it go. At this point it’ s like they have cotton in their ears and are not going to hear you. It made wonder, “why can’t he hear me”? I know I speak English well, don’t have an accent and most people seem to understand me just fine. Is he even trying to hear me? PLEASE REMOVE THE COTTON FROM YOUR EARS MY DEAR! I figured it could be one or two things: He really can’t hear me (hears but doesn’t hear ) or hears and choses to play stupid (I know he’s smart enough to comprehend) or he hears and choses to totally ignore anything I have to say. Usually he can twist it around so well. Two steps forward and three steps back. I thought how in the hell can I try to communicate if he’s not even listening!
In Psychology Today, a blog by Dr. Jeremy E. Sherman named Ambigamy , I found a post titled “Why wont’ they listen to reason?” It states that by approaching this situation from ” there only 3 basic reasons for such a situation to take place.” Let explain a little more, however here’s the link to the entire article:
When faced with this situation there are 3 ways to interpret it:
1. they CAN’T understand: don’t have the faculties to understand. one enchilada short of a combo plate you know what I mean
2. they DON’T want to understand: they could and actually can understand but for whatever selfish reasons or excuse they use to ignore you they due. I find the excuses generally pretty lame or twisted.
3. they think they SHOULDN’T have to understand: they are more than capable of understanding they simply choose to totally disregard anything you say unless there’s something in it for them. Otherwise you’re not worth it.
Well let’s see; I know he passes #1, as for #2 we could get stuck here – they actually say this one can be more unpredictable than the #3 response. Well I guess since he’s a nar it’s somewhere between 2 and 3. He doesn’t always disregard everything I say just a lot of the time. OK cotton back in the ears. Here are the recommended responses to each of the above:
#1-don’t push they’re not capable due to limitations
#2-try pushing harder- they owe it to you so make ’em pay up
#3- do not accommodate- don’t push let it go and walk away
So I know I have choices on how to handle things and i’ll probably make some wrong choices as it always seems I do, but for now I want HIM to stuff some extra cotton in his ears as; my girlfriend (the one who knows) is coming over for a cocktail or two on the patio and I have been truly making an effort so I think it’s time for a well deserved “bash the mother fucker session” (ok so he’ll never know) because it allows me a chance to release let the built up tension before I brooch the subject again. Then I MAY put cotton in my ears, and I WILL CHOOSE not to hear him for a change!