Grow a Pair, part 2

After going to actually lay eyes on her the week before, had somehow softened how much I despised her.  I realized that she was just someone he choose because of her vulnerabilty and was a victim of his manipulation.  She fit the profile, just like me- with co-dependant tendancies,  with him portraying himself as the knight in shining armour coming to save us.  (If you’ve been a faithful reader you’ll know what the hidden meaning is).  YES,  She made bad choices,  but she really was not to blame – he was the one who had pursued it (that much he has admitted to me).

Back on topic here…

…So the next morning, I checked his phone to see if any response had been made. Nope, Nothing.

I decided to try again.

Thinking back to texts I had read between them (which was only a few) I attempted to make my texts sound like they were sent by my husband.  The following is an exact transcript  (I took pictures with my phone before deleting).  with the bold written by me as if  from my husband and the italicized are the responses received from her:

 

Hello-you off or on today

 work.. u r?

Coming your way when you off

Who is this…lol

Oh your funny-

 Can I see you today?

Seriously I lost

Your kidding right- I need to see you today

                                                                                                 Y

What’s going on?

Just been a while missing you

How’s home?

It’s ok

 Things fix?

Ya sort of

I in same boat

Ya were two souls looking for love

 What’s love?

I’m not sure either but I like what I have with you

                                                                                               With me?

You don’t agree

Hmmmm

Well maybe I mistake how you feel

You don’t want to play with me anymore

                                                                                                No comment cuz I still not 100% clear..if 

                                                                                                  u follow

Follow what ?  Maybe I should not of textd u

Call

Can’t right now

K

Do you still want me

 Call when you can

K

OMFG -I did it!  I had an on going conversation with her (texting) from his phone.

What the hell was I thinking?

Obviously I wasn’t, as I realized that if he didn’t contact her that she would most likely contact him on Monday when he’s at work.. Now I really did it.  Maybe they weren’t in contact after all?  Maybe I had just laid the ground work for them to be in contact again?

Can’t leave well enough alone can you stupid!!

Now I was going to end up having to explain how I had used his phone once he got a call from her.

Yeah sometimes I’m like that, act before I think.

So now I needed a remedy for this can of worms that I had foolishly opened.  Think Chely, think.  Surely you can get your ass out of this one.  Think…..

…..and after I deleted all the texts from his phone and I then sent her a text from my phone:

Hello this is Chely-i’d like to talk to you.  No hard feelings-just a couple of questions.  Please give me a call. Thanks

An hour later I got a reply:

Tomorrow ok?

Okay thx

Chely first of all…I sorry for any contribution I had on u guys.  Lots going on with me at time & I wasn’t thinkn n being stupid.  Look forward to chatting with you tomorrow

I appreciate that- we’ll chat tomorrow thx

And I waited for tomorrow.

Hopefully I had put a plug in the dam that would of busted open on Monday (and I would have to own up to what I did).  I didn’t really WANT to do that if I didn’t have to.  I now wanted to see where this would lead.

Dammit if he wasn’t going to give me any answers, I’ll just have to get them any way I can.

The treadmill is slowing down, I can feel it.  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

In all honesty what else did I really have to loose?

This mediocre reconciliation?

The love of my husband?

Think that one may already be gone…

…or at least the kind of love that I really need…

…no longer is just present and accounted for acceptable…

…I’m tired of that warm fuzzy roommate kinda love..

…with benefits but I want REAL.

I can have a great orgasm by myself

I have a great vibrator!

I want a partner who at least acts like he wants to be with me.

This mid-life crisis,

narcissistic,

been married along-time,

love you but don’t love you

man I married –

can really drive you to do crazy things

infidelity-sucks!!

Looks like this will be a multi-part story… look for the post next week sometime.

Be out of town for a few days, ironically  going to a wedding.

In the mean time feel free to share your thoughts about how stupid or ballsy you think I am.  Need a little input here friends! Thanks

Advertisements

Ladies, have you ever wanted to grow a pair??

A couple of posts ago I was talking about how I just couldn’t totally get the whole situation about his affair out of my head.  I needed to know if he was still in contact with her.  I wanted to know how she would respond if she thought it was him on the other end of the line.  I really needed to know.  What was I going to do to calm my mind?

Mid April he has a big 4-day fishing tournament that he always goes to. I have no problem with it, I know many of the guys who attend and always look forward to having four whole days without him at home.  So part of my plan was I needed to see if she and her husband were still together and if she possibly had a young child, she had not had before when I met her. (If you’re not up on past posts, husbands AP partner was a women he worked with in the past and we (boys & us) had gone to a bbq at their house once before.  She had two sons about the ages of mine.)

I knew where she lives (about 30 mins from me) and went very, very early just to watch what went on.  I parked on a side access street where I could see the house. I first pretended to be out for a walk, pausing in front of the house tying my shoe to make sure someone lived there .  Someone did.  I then sat in my car pretending to be doing paperwork like a canvasser or something.  After about 25 mins the garage door opened and a few mins later a car left, driven I assume by one of her sons and she was in the passenger seat.  I followed of course.  About 10 mins and they pulled into a strip mall and went into the dentist.  I parked nearby and watched.  No small child that I could see.  When they came out I continued to follow them but ended up in the wrong lane that went straight when they turned. I tried to turn around but of course this became a two-way highway and I couldn’t turn around. I returned to their house and waited for almost an hour, no further activity so I went home.

Even though I didn’t gain much information it still some how made me feel a bit better.  Once during the weekend he actually called me but the call droppped (usually never had any service) but he did send me a quick text thanking me for helping him to get everything together and ready for his trip.   He usually never does that so I thought to myself that’s good.  Pretty much I try to remain nuetral in response to his actions, not let things get to me either negatively or positively.  But after he got back all week he was kinda acting weird.  If I didn’t know better i’d say that the fishing trip was a ruse for other activity but I knew that wasn’t true.

He did however for the first time take a tent with him to sleep in, instead of the big beautiful motorhome that he was going in with his friend (total of 3 in motorhome).  I thought that was strange since there was lots of room.  Thenit seemed weird that all these other years there was no phone service but this year there was.  Oh my mind is so bad!  I then had decided he slept in the tent so they could have phone sex at night.  Since he would be alone.  Auughhh!

It was Sat. after fishing weekend and we had got into an argument about something, I can’t exactly remember but something about the way he was acting towards me. And it got rather heated.  We were on the patio, it was about 10:30 at night and I went in the house fuming.  As I walked through the kitchen his phone was sitting on the counter so I scooped it up and went in the bathroom.

I Texted her number from his phone: Hello Beautiful, no response.

I tried again. but it was 11 by now so I erased the texts and put his phone back.  OMG I did it now.

If you’re wondering how I was able to know her # so easily?  It is because it is one of those weird numbers that you could never forget.  It has the same area code where husband works, the prefix is the area code where I live and the last four digits are all the same.  Ironic isn’t it to be such an easy #.  I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

I’m going to keep you hanging here –waiting for the conclusion in my next post.  Naughty Girl I am!

Really? But They Seemed Like Such A Nice Family, So Normal

Once during one of our “discussions”, he had said to me that “everything is not all about you”.  While on the surface this could be seen as a hurtful statement, I understood (I think) what he meant by that even though he may not realize it.  Doing so would mean he must acknowledge the dysfunction in his family of origin.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that all abuse is mean, direct, straight forward, name calling, drunken beatings in a lower, deprived class of people.  That is so NOT TRUE at all .  Sometimes it is blended into what is basically a warm and loving family.  This family wants what is loving and nurturing and healthy for it but (for whatever) reason in their history something stained it .  Sometimes it goes outwardly bad, easy to recognize.  Other times it grows inwardly, causing it to be sickened despite still wanting what is good.

To own this means you acknowledge  what was always presented as “perfect”, simply is not so. It is not the truth. It is a facade, all for outward appearances  It hurts to realize that your behavior was (albeit unintentional) detrimental to yourself and the one you created. If you refuse to accept this as part of your reality, you deceive yourself.  When you finally (maybe) see a glimpse of it for what it is, it’s too painful so you push it away.  Don’t acknowledge ,then it won’t be true.  Otherwise people will recognize it for the facade it was. To cover up the pain that sometimes comes along with the love, within families.

My husbands’ inability to acknowledge any of this (in our family or his FOO), is ultimately what was the cause of his affair/s. However I feel like I do see moments of a little understanding from him.  I think I’ll call it vague recognition, like when you know but you really don’t want to know. If you never acknowledge it then it can never be real.  He doesn’t want it to be that he grew up in this type of family. Who would? But not acknowledging it is catching up with him, and that is what he meant when he said “It’s not always all about you”. At least that’s what I think because I see hints of recognition from him every now and then.

Maybe I am trying to read his mind.  I have to . He doesn’t share whats going on inside very well, if at all.  This is the life of a covert narcissist.  Wishing that everything is perfect (who doesn’t) but can’t accept that life is just not really that way. We are all human with flaws and imperfections.  I think one of the most appropriate descriptions of this is from Christopher Leasch in a book he wrote a long time ago about Narcissism (can’t remember exact title).  He describes a covert narcissist as someone who;

“Although perfectly capable of lighting candles, prefers cursing the darkness”

But people pretend (families pretend, sometimes for generations) and when it eventually catches up with some of them, they try to cast that away.  Which causes hurt , to them, their significant other and children, basically their immediate family.

I guess that’s where the saying “you only hurt the the ones you love” may have come from.

That’s what I believe he means by the “it’s not all about you” statement.  That he is recognizing that much of the strife between us, was not always about us.  It was about him.  And he knows that deep inside. Even if he refuses to outwardly admit that and accept it.Heck my family of origin was pretty screwed up as well – I admit it is the root of a lot of my own issues.  I don’t like it but I acknowledge.  I know I brought baggage from childhood into my family. I know that husband and I are the ones responsible for the problems that our kids deal with.  He does not like when I say that. I don’t either but you just got to own it to change anything, ever.

I am glad to say that not all betrayeds are dealing with a narcissistic spouse.  Many may not even know or have come in contact with this type of person. If you have, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t tell, you were on the outside, looking in and weren’t privy to such behavior.  It is not uncommon for this type of spouse  (narcissistic) to go on undetected by others for a long time.  One of my good friends (who knows of my husband’s affair and is very supportive of me) even said to me recently,  “I believe you, but I just don’t see it”.

It made me realize that there may be others who cannot see it, for what it is-COVERT ABUSE!  The link below is an excellent website about understanding Narcissism written by Michael Samsel MA, LMHC. The specific article titled Narcissism as ‘Difficult behavior’  explains it so well   If you don’t have time (right now) to read the entire article (although I reccommend it )– PLEASE scroll down to the last paragraph or two that are specific to covert abuse.

It’s time for people to understand this about our society, in hopes of making changes so we educate young people on how to prevent this from happening.  We Must break the generational cycle somehow, someway.  It is destroying what are basically good people and their families. No one deserves the pain abuse causes. Sometimes, affairs can be a symptom of underlying abuse.  We need no reminders of how painful the discovery of an affair can be.  If you’ve been there you will know what I mean.