WTF

Just browsing through the lists of blogs I either follow or check up on now and then. I like to put a search topic into wordpress browser and see new stuff. Well I just put in the term mid life crises and guess what?? No blogs on that topic.? I find that surprising since I’ve posted and tagged several posts as mid-life crisis, yet none show in the search? WTF What’s up with that? Well since this appears to no be my WTF post I think i’ll go ahead and vent just a bit. I’m not asking permission, just letting you know what your in store for. Do you even take a chance and continue to read? Let’s see.

1) If you have read any of my other posts then you probably know I can be very “wordy”. I try to keep posts short(er) so there easy on the eyes but I somehow can’t get all the information into those short ones. So are the long posts keeping people away?

2) If you come to see photos of crying men and women (or whatever) ain’t happening here – never could quite get a grip on the download of free, into the basket, then into the holder, then onto the page. Whatever I don’t care. Is no pictures keeping people away?

3) If you haven’t noticed I really enjoy the “sciency” stuff related why we as humans do what we do. I find it fascinating it is behind what all of us do, say and think. So in my posts i usually refer to other websites or articles that I base my opinion on. I’d like to think there are others interested in knowing these things too. But i’m not sure, since I don’t see mentions or links. Is the “sciency” talk keeping people away?

4) If you come to hear me bitch and moan about (I use this term because it is the chosen word used by most betrayeds) the whore that he fucked. That’s not happening. While I certainly don’t like to think of her or truthfully even include her in my posts. She is a nothing. She is nothing but a low-life, skanky married woman who isn’t deserving of my attention. So no whore talk here. Do want to whore bash? Not happening here.

5) If you come to here me whine about my crappy life and husband, wait oh yeah that’s what I write about, next.

6) If you want to know the truth sometimes it bothers me, that despite a nice following of other bloggers, I see so many other blogs that are simply about the whining about who knows what- get so many comments that I wonder if I put too much thought and care into my posts. But maybe i’m missing the point. I started this blog sort of as a journal of my dealings with a cheating husband, and all the crap that comes with being married to a true narcissist. So I began this for me not just to be read by others. Maybe I don’t whine enough? Maybe they have enough reality right now. Does that keep readers away?

7) If you make any comments to a blog that you don’t agree with be careful you might be labeled a troll. A lot of authors don’t like to hear a different opinion. Even when presented respectfully a lot of people don’t like being told a different thought about the subject of their post. I disagree frequently.But I try to do so respectfully. I know I can’t get someone to look at a different point of view if i’m slamming them so no troll comments here. Maybe the lack of controversary keeps them away?

8) If you put in the topic heading in the wordpress reader of your blog you’d think you’d eventually see it scrolling through those list of others blogs. Yet after over half an hour scrolling nothing that I see of mine pops up. I realize I don’t post every single day (or multiple in one day) but I am a blog on infidelity and you think it would show up? Thanks wordpress.

9) If you think that the title of my blog is too hard to remember or too hard to say then oh well. It’s my blog and i’ll call it what I want. ****I have to say I have seen some awesome blog titles out there, love them, very clever.***** But do you know the reason I chose such a tongue twister of a title? I didn’t think so.You don’t have to be able to say it to read it.

10) If you don’t care for my writing style that’s fine. Everybody is different but it can be frustrating to see some very blah, blah ,blah blogs get so many likes. My blog while public for anyone to read, is not known to exist by those who know me. Family and friends have no idea about my writings and what my life is really like this last year. I don’t link to facebook or any other social media that draws in followers, so my pool of potential readers is much smaller than those that do.My bad Since I’m not “out” on being cheated on. Loose followers by default.

11) If you read my work and feel I’m just being a fool trying to save my marriage with a cheating, narcissist who doesn’t show any remorse, and just feel sorry for me then – it’s okay to say so respectfully. However I know I have to try this my way before I throw in the towel. Call me crazy-why not? He’s convinced most people we know that I am anyway. Funny he even asked me what the 5150 meant in my e-mail address. Do you know what 5150 stands for?

Please don’t get me wrong. There are excellent blogs out there that I read and follow. But some days you just wonder is this really worth the time and effort that it takes (for me at least) to write and post? I think it is. Or maybe i’m just 5150.

Okay that’s it! I’m finished with my WTF post. Just needed to get a couple of things off my chest. Done with that. Now I better get writing my next post. Will you read it?

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What we don’t know about mid-life CAN hurt us.

Even before the discovery of his affair I had come to realize that my husband was having a “mid-life crisis”. He talked about getting a new sports car (we have more cars than the average family). He complained about his health (the aches and pains as the body ages and the years of not exercising and eating right were catching up with him). Several of his co-workers had been retiring (his original plan was to retire at 55 and although we save and invest there was no real plan). He had known three men who recently passed away (one a very close friend who died from sleep apnea, (something he suffers from but won’t sleep with the c-pap). Our boys still live at home (even though both are out of school and do work), and continue to be a major expense in our budget. Due to the economy, our finances not as solid as before. Our marriage had been unhappy (for us both) for sometime, even though I thought we had finally reached a point that we were working on improving it. Then I discovered that text message which changed my life forever.

Mid-life, getting older, it is unavoidable. It happens to us all, both men and women. It can be described as a period of transition or crisis. You realize the years of your youth are past. You begin the second half of your life. Some people accept the inevitable, and transition gracefully. More often, this period is met with denial. Refusing to accept a fact of life. They fight against the realization that time is unstoppable. We are getting older and someday we will no longer exist. I know my husband was feeling this way about his life but I never realized how much so. And due to the years of emotional abuse I lived with, I was unable or unwilling to be supportive of him. Like I imagine a partner in a healthy marriage would do. (I still think he doesn’t get WHY I WASNT THERE FOR HIM.) Feeling overworked and unloved I imagine is when his affair began. I wonder if he thinks this solved his problems? (maybe a feel good band-aid). In my opinion, this did NOT solve his problems, only add to them.

So is mid-life crisis an excuse for having an affair? Some would say yes. Some would say no. I think there is more to it. As our bodies produce less and less of hormones needed to remain balanced. For women the primary indicator is the cessation of menstrual cycle. No more periods. Some are never affected by the loss of these hormones. Others experience many uncomfortable symptoms, and take hormones to make their bodies function better.

But what about men and their process of aging? Obviously they don’t have periods, so how do men know? For many men the most obvious symptom is in their penis. Sex has less intensity, they may no longer get that rock hard erection of their youth. Also they are more irritable, restless, they look at their life, their family, their spouse and begin to wonder, is this it? Feeling lost and unhappy they question their existence. Why haven’t I accomplished more? What about my dreams? Maybe they realize their life didn’t turn out the way they had planned, feel defeated. (Maybe they actually have a good marriage/life but due to these hormonal changes experience many similar feelings.) The years have slipped by and what do you have to show for it? They look for someone to blame, most likely their spouse. They grasp at what they feel is their last chance to hold onto their youth. Maybe they buy a sports car, have an affair, or even abandon their families. Most don’t have a clue about what is going on within their bodies because doctors only address the erection part of it and fail to educate about the other symptoms. For men, this period of transition is much longer than a women’s, It takes men 10-15 years to complete. It’s called andropause.

The effects of hormones “pausing”, in both men and women, can lead to the types of behavior mentioned above. Hormone therapy is readily available to help women, and for men if they discuss with their doctors. Men generally don’t like to acknowledge a lack of testosterone If. But it’s so much more than not being able to get/keep an erection. Both the physical and mental/emotional changes can have traumatic effects on his life without an understanding of what’s happening it is very possible that these effects can be a significant cause of why (some) seemingly happy, successful men seek affairs or commit suicide.

So the term “midlife crisis” may be appropriate, simply because they are in denial about the aging process. However it is not an excuse to have an affair, people know right from wrong. But these changes can skew their thinking process, make them rationalize inappropriate behavior. Knowing this helps me understand, how despite us making a lot of progress in our relationship, husband sometimes doesn’t seem “present”. My mind instantly thinks that his thoughts are of his AP, and maybe that may not be the case at all. He is stuck in the dilemma that his body is out of balance- leaving him in that hormone fog I spoke of earlier. This is a serious medical issue. Without information to assess this properly, many just feel too overwhelmed , stuck and unable to do anything to help themselves and some end their lives. Or they have an affair thinking this will make them feel better. For most it does not, it only makes them feel worse, and increases the chaos in their life.

If your husband (or if you are a guy that is reading this) has any of the symptoms listed below you may want to check out this website by Dr. Jed Diamond (MEN ALIVE) It is filled with information aimed to assist those who are in crises, and those that love them. It is ultimately up to each man to seek what they need. Not all who have an affair have hormones out of whack. Some are just infidels. Don’t let them use this as an excuse. That would be a disservice to those who actually have reached mid-life and transitioned gracefully. Or those who with medical assistance have finally found peace, love and happiness in the second half of their lives. I pray my husband falls into that category, with me.

Despite his narcissistic tendancies, I believe these hormonal changes play a big part in his behavior. Making an attempt to do the right thing, even while it doesn’t feel totally right. I believe that is why his actions don’t seem genuine to me. He is still in a fog, not an affair fog but a hormonal one. And he has to address this, before he will see significant improvements. I can’t make him change. If he wants to feel better it is something HE will have to do, because I am not the cause of all his problems. I don’t control his body or what he does. If he refuses to do anything about it I cannot force him to address the problem. It may sound as if I am trying to control him but He is the one who shares with me his aches and pains and worries with me and asked me for help. (Wow it just dawned on me that he is SHARING feelings and concerns with me – that’s a step in the right direction for sure.)

So no sports car or hair transplants for my guy, hopefully some hormones will bring us even closer to really healing after that affair. Damned mid-life!!!

http://menalive.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Male_Menopause_Crazy_Things.pdf

MOST COMMON SIGNS OF ANDROPAUSE

1.reduced libido or sex drive

2.reduced potency or ability to maintain erection

3.fatigue, loss of vitality

4.irritability and “grumpiness”

5.aches, pains and stiffness increase

6.depression which manifests as anger or boredom

7.night sweats (or day), hot flashes

8.dryness and thinning of skin

9.restlessness and a longing to “break free”

10.weight gain acquiring a “pot belly”

ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT HAS A LOT OF ARTICLES ABOUT MEN AND MID-LIFE

http://inlpcenter.org/10-things-people-over-40-should-do-to-find-lasting-happiness

Still hoping for the truth

As the first anniversary of d-day is just days away the past month has been difficult for me. You might have noticed that this funk has kept me from posting, I’ve been reading others blogs and making a few comments – so I’ve not been far away. I have grown fond of conversing with many other bloggers in the arena of infidelity. But my brain has been overloaded, my fault, with the thousands of hours of reading and researching on how to survive the worst test in any marriage. I’m finding it difficult to process anymore. Yet more things (details) continue to pop-up. Literally, I wasn’t searching and had a box fall of a shelf in garage to find some hidden paperwork. Does it ever end?

I’d like to tell you that this year of reading and sharing has provided me with all the answers. But I can’t. Yes I’ve gathered LOTS of information on a wide spectrum of topics related to surviving, healing, creating intimacy, narcissism and personality disorders, and infidelity etc. Yet despite all of this knowledge, I feel I’m no closer to knowing what decision to make than I was a year ago. Yes in many ways my relationship has improved. Superficially it looks like we are doing the right thing to save our marriage. But it still feels off, not quite right or real. My husband being narcissistic doesn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me. It’s very frustrating trying to move past all of it while still feeling like I don’t know the truth.

To better understand some of my husband’s thoughts I actually began to read some blogs by the cheating spouses. I found that they allow me to see inside the minds of those who have cheated. Many who have cheated appear to be genuine in their remorse (or at least know its wrong) and ended the affair. Despite having an affair they know they made a huge mistake , and honor their commitments by doing the right thing. Yet they still talk about their triggers and lingering thoughts of their AP (both wanted and unwanted). Some speak of feeling alone and lost and missing their AP very much. Then there are the ones that basically brag about their affair/s, give explicit details and even sharing tips about how to get away with it. Those I find upsetting, as I think of their poor partners who has yet to have their D-day.

Some days it can still be too much to take. Am I any better off after a year this and my obsessesive info gathering? Maybe. Am I any closer to knowing if I will stay or end my marriage? No I am not. Am I now addicted information overload? Possibly so. As much as I’d like to put it all in the past, forgive and move forward, eventually trust again I still feel stuck, and hyper sensitive about anything to do with him and the affair. The fact is that many men (and women) who have formed an emotional bond don’t want to end the affair, and don’t want to end the marriage either. The go further underground with it and continue for many years working the triangle of infidelity. This of course worries me greatly. Especially since I witnessed him going through the withdrawal of ending it, deep depression that followed and the onset of extreme anxiety, panic attacks and vertigo. Which affected him for a couple of months then poof all of a sudden gone without any real work on his part to make these side effects go away. I believe this is when they resumed contact. But I have no proof.

Spending more time together, going places, doing things like grocery shopping and household chores has brought us closer. But I don’t feel our intimacy is improving. We don’t talk about dreams or goals or needs or personal changes to move us forward. We talk about superficial stuff without addressing that “elephant” in the room or I should say how to make sure the elephant doesn’t come back. We hold hands, kiss, and even make love frequently. But it’s a strange feeling like he knows what he supposed to do and does it but it’s not genuine, sometimes feels forced. Maybe knowing about narcissism has made me more aware of this, because a N only loves himself and that this is as much as he can offer me. Maybe it’s been like this all along I just didn’t notice. Or maybe because he hasn’t addressed his personal issues that he is stuck as well. I could understand that, if he’d share any of his feelings with me. Because I want to feel passion, intimacy in my life with him. I want for him to (once in a while) have him walk in from work and take me in his arms and be glad that we are here together. I realize after 20 years it’s not going to be like the “honeymoon” period, but I don’t think it has to be so milk toast boring either.

I want him to do special little things to show his love. Simple things, like oh, saving the last bit of coffee creamer for me because he knows how much I like my coffee that way. A little card, just because, something other than what is expected. I want him to take his time when we make love, fulfill each others needs and savour the beauty of knowing each others bodies completely. Not to hurry just to get that “cum” done. Quickies are fine too, but I want more pleasure than just an orgasm, I want to do it the garage or kitchen or car on the side of the road and feel the naughty-ness of possibly being discovered. Anywhere but the bedroom truthfully. For him to stage an evening around me and my desires without being coached. When I tried the role fantasy thing he said I was trying too hard. What husband says that! I know he has it in him because he used to be like this or maybe It’s been off all along and I was so starry eyed I just didn’t notice.

Maybe he’s doing the best that he can struggling with all this mid-life crisis stuff, my discovery of the affair, unacknowledged narcissism and everything that’s happened between us through the years. Or maybe he’s doing the right thing because he knows that it is right. Yet yearns and thinks of her often. Wishing to be in the fog of an affair so he can continue to deny the reality of our lives. I really don’t know- don’t know a damn thing about where his thoughts, his heart, his dreams are. Or if I can even trust him to not betray me again. I have forgiven for the past, trying to focus on the here and now, as well as the future. All I do know is I won’t be so forgiving If I find out he has been deceiving me all along. If that happens there will be HELL to pay. And the bill will be huge. I guess time will tell.