Really? But They Seemed Like Such A Nice Family, So Normal

Once during one of our “discussions”, he had said to me that “everything is not all about you”.  While on the surface this could be seen as a hurtful statement, I understood (I think) what he meant by that even though he may not realize it.  Doing so would mean he must acknowledge the dysfunction in his family of origin.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that all abuse is mean, direct, straight forward, name calling, drunken beatings in a lower, deprived class of people.  That is so NOT TRUE at all .  Sometimes it is blended into what is basically a warm and loving family.  This family wants what is loving and nurturing and healthy for it but (for whatever) reason in their history something stained it .  Sometimes it goes outwardly bad, easy to recognize.  Other times it grows inwardly, causing it to be sickened despite still wanting what is good.

To own this means you acknowledge  what was always presented as “perfect”, simply is not so. It is not the truth. It is a facade, all for outward appearances  It hurts to realize that your behavior was (albeit unintentional) detrimental to yourself and the one you created. If you refuse to accept this as part of your reality, you deceive yourself.  When you finally (maybe) see a glimpse of it for what it is, it’s too painful so you push it away.  Don’t acknowledge ,then it won’t be true.  Otherwise people will recognize it for the facade it was. To cover up the pain that sometimes comes along with the love, within families.

My husbands’ inability to acknowledge any of this (in our family or his FOO), is ultimately what was the cause of his affair/s. However I feel like I do see moments of a little understanding from him.  I think I’ll call it vague recognition, like when you know but you really don’t want to know. If you never acknowledge it then it can never be real.  He doesn’t want it to be that he grew up in this type of family. Who would? But not acknowledging it is catching up with him, and that is what he meant when he said “It’s not always all about you”. At least that’s what I think because I see hints of recognition from him every now and then.

Maybe I am trying to read his mind.  I have to . He doesn’t share whats going on inside very well, if at all.  This is the life of a covert narcissist.  Wishing that everything is perfect (who doesn’t) but can’t accept that life is just not really that way. We are all human with flaws and imperfections.  I think one of the most appropriate descriptions of this is from Christopher Leasch in a book he wrote a long time ago about Narcissism (can’t remember exact title).  He describes a covert narcissist as someone who;

“Although perfectly capable of lighting candles, prefers cursing the darkness”

But people pretend (families pretend, sometimes for generations) and when it eventually catches up with some of them, they try to cast that away.  Which causes hurt , to them, their significant other and children, basically their immediate family.

I guess that’s where the saying “you only hurt the the ones you love” may have come from.

That’s what I believe he means by the “it’s not all about you” statement.  That he is recognizing that much of the strife between us, was not always about us.  It was about him.  And he knows that deep inside. Even if he refuses to outwardly admit that and accept it.Heck my family of origin was pretty screwed up as well – I admit it is the root of a lot of my own issues.  I don’t like it but I acknowledge.  I know I brought baggage from childhood into my family. I know that husband and I are the ones responsible for the problems that our kids deal with.  He does not like when I say that. I don’t either but you just got to own it to change anything, ever.

I am glad to say that not all betrayeds are dealing with a narcissistic spouse.  Many may not even know or have come in contact with this type of person. If you have, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t tell, you were on the outside, looking in and weren’t privy to such behavior.  It is not uncommon for this type of spouse  (narcissistic) to go on undetected by others for a long time.  One of my good friends (who knows of my husband’s affair and is very supportive of me) even said to me recently,  “I believe you, but I just don’t see it”.

It made me realize that there may be others who cannot see it, for what it is-COVERT ABUSE!  The link below is an excellent website about understanding Narcissism written by Michael Samsel MA, LMHC. The specific article titled Narcissism as ‘Difficult behavior’  explains it so well   If you don’t have time (right now) to read the entire article (although I reccommend it )– PLEASE scroll down to the last paragraph or two that are specific to covert abuse.

It’s time for people to understand this about our society, in hopes of making changes so we educate young people on how to prevent this from happening.  We Must break the generational cycle somehow, someway.  It is destroying what are basically good people and their families. No one deserves the pain abuse causes. Sometimes, affairs can be a symptom of underlying abuse.  We need no reminders of how painful the discovery of an affair can be.  If you’ve been there you will know what I mean.

Advertisements

Could I of Possibly been Wrong??

With the way things had been going in my marriage, I certainly wasn’t expecting anything remotely related to romantic on the Valentines Day Excursion that was planned.  He had booked an overnighter in Half Moon Bay at one of the best Hotels in town.  (This is a special place for us from WAY back.)  He likes to travel so most things I’ve received of late had to do with travel (since He gets something out of it too).

Imagine my surprise as the weekend started out nice and just kept getting better.  Maybe He was listening when I really spilled my guts about how he behaves towards me since d-day, what I expected to see and feel from him after I forgave him. If we were to remain married and that is what he truly wanted then he needed to make a change.   So I must give credit where it is due.  He really managed to “show me” what He was feeling.  He most certainly had to put some thought to it before hand.  I was receiving unexpected romantic feelings that felt genuine (I know it’s crazy especially after my last post about settling), lt was different than it had been any day since I discovered this mess.

We were lucky enough to be able to check-in earlier than normally allowed.  Headed to our room to settle in before setting out  to the beach. As we entered ,I dashed to the balcony to take a look and breathe in the salty ocean air.  The view is spectacular.  As I turned around to speak to him, he was standing there with a big grin on his face.  I asked “what?” and he kinda cleared his throat and motioned next to him. As I looked I was taken aback , what I saw was a  crystal vase filled with two dozen red roses and orchids on the table next to him. How did I walk past THAT and not notice!  ( He had had them put in the room and hid them when he checked us in ,I stayed with car it’s a convertible). Oh my they were gorgeous! I hadn’t smelled roses that fragrant in quite some time.   Well maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

After thanking him, we made some cocktails in sports bottles and headed to the beach.  It was nice listening to music, talking, laughing, playing around on the shore. It had been a long time since I/we felt a connection like this.  I’m so glad we had this time before dinner.  The restaurant was right next door so after a glass of wine watching the sun set some we strolled over.  We had to wait just a bit for an outside table so to the bar and ordered cocktail.  I decided to order a lemon drop martini- I really like them but most bartenders don’t make them right so I rarely order one. It was made perfectly.  They called us to the table, he ordered another round as we examined the menu.  We both like to share our meals (don’t overeat and get to try more things that way)  An appetizer, a crab louie and a salmon entree were ordered.

I know this will sound silly but I just hate to sit directly across or next to him when we’re out on a date. So I prefer a square table to a booth so we sit on same corner not across. Why? you ask. Because sitting in that location fosters a much closer connection and intimacy  between two people as well as also communicating (especially if it’s loud) easier.  So never any business lunches like this.  Don’t laugh it really does create a closeness.- give it a try!  Heck if at a table for two I will move my chair to this position, as long as it’s NOT in the direct walkway.

As dinner arrived, we were having such a good time he ordered another round and we ate every bite of our shared meal- delicious.  It was intimate and very special.  This was the man that I fell in love with long ago.  Maybe there is a chance for us.  We strolled back to the hotel, put on some music, he poured wine and we danced slow and close.  Of course things progressed and we ended up on the couch mostly naked and began exploring each other with passion.  Wow maybe he really does still love me.  It was so romantic, my head spinning from it all.  No I mean i felt, …i felt……..

…..I felt sick! OMG NO!  I urgently pushed him off of me and stood up said “SICK”  and ran to the bathroom.  Even though I thought I ran quickly I didn’t quite make it to the toilet and christened the sink. Normally I have no problem holding my licqour but we had been drinking half the day, and the food was very rich and the romance caught me off guard so it was needless to say my night was done.  He tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.  (And cleaned up!)

I woke early and was so glad that I was feeling better, no hangover.  I made coffee and was sitting on the patio when he awoke. He inquired how I was feeling asked if I wanted breakfast and as I showered he went downstairs and brought up a tray of fruit, bagels & muffins and quiche.  We ate enjoyed the sunrise together and took up where we left off the night before.  We were really connecting and it felt so good  laying in his arms.  This was also valentines day so we exchanged gifts and cards.  I make jewelry and crystal dream catchers  (customized for peoples special interests)so he knows I love beads and charms.  Besides a beautiful card he gave me a charm that was a big diamond ring and said it was so I could make a “you & me” dream catcher, nice thought.  Shows he was putting thought into what he got me. He also said there was another little item at home too big to bring (it was a stone turtle ornament for by the turtle pond-so cute). We lounged through the morning, went for a quick walk before check-out.  (Couldn’t stay two nights booked solid).

We checked out, and planned another day on the beach.  We secured a good spot, set up our chairs and were very lucky to have weather in the 70’s in the month of February. He had all kinds of my favorite snacks and food for  our picnic that day as we soaked in sun talking and having a great time.  After a while, we went for a walk, he needed to  “drain the dragon” and we headed to the cliffs to an inlet. As I waited I noticed a small loft like area in the rock formation that you could climb up in and then peer over the top and see outside.  I was going to surprise him from up there when he came out.  The rocks were of a sandstone type solid but also kind of slippery (not from water), anyway as I tried to climb up I lost my footing,bounced & skidded down the rocks landing in the sand at the bottom.  OUCH!  I now lay twisted in the sand, scraped up (pretty decently,one foot, one thigh and arm and shoulder like a major road rash) as he comes running around the corner.

After helping me up,  asking me what I was doing climbing on the rocks in my bathing suit with no shoes.  I explained the loft and he shows me this rock he found in the sand.  He knows I like unique rocks, logs, shells and things for our yard and as he is brushing the sand off I’m thinking looks like an ordinary rock to me.  As he flips it over, still brushing sand away, he says “looks like something carved in it”.  He hands it to me and laser etched in the rock is the word ….LOVE.   What???  You found this rock??  No way.  It couldn’t of just been there and he began smiling and laughing.  It wasn’t found there  He had to of brought it with him!   I looked at him as he gingerly takes me in his arms (remember i’m injured) and tells me “I do chely, I do love you with all my heart”. OMFG  I must be dreaming, i would of pinched myself but I could feel the pain from the fall and knew I was awake.

Could it be possible that I really was wrong about him????

After all I’m not a mind reader and neither is he or any of us.  So maybe when I finally told him what I needed to continue to heal , he had really heard me.  Maybe he really didn’t know what to do, what I needed.  It’s like getting to know a person you’ve not met before when you stay together after an affair.  There is no script ,you no longer feel like you understand or know this person you are married to. So in many ways it is a new beginning no matter which way the road leads you.

Despite the injury, we still walked on the beach, played badmitten, twice that day (good exercise) had a picnic, drank from plastic wine glasses with hearts on them he brought and had an unbelievable day.  But he wasn’t finished yet.  We headed up the coast after dark to this little restaurant & bar that was on the way home for some dinner and then we went into the bar and even stayed and danced for about an hour or so.  I do like to dance!  Finally exhausted, we headed home.  I was feeling bruised up and sore but oh so loved and cared for by my husband.

He had “showed” me that my needs were important.  That he does love me despite our history and that he had made a  huge mistake having an affair.  Does this mean I trust him?  Absolutely not!  One time since the beginning of this, of showing me  is not enough to mean tHe has earned back all the trust.  I may never trust 100% again. It’s not about butterflies and rainbows in pretend land.  Hell no!  It has to be reality love.  Some days, warm and comfortable, some hot and sizzling and some even chilly days because everyone gets in a funk now and then.   But it does mean that maybe, just maybe despite being a narcissist, he does really love me.  I mean it doesn’t appear that he has had any physical contact with her.  This is information from my private investigator.  (An interesting story that I will write about soon.)  He could of course still be contacting her through work and I would have no way of knowing.  So let’s just say for the time being I’m not filing with my attorney-yet.  I’ve decided to give it another chance.

Yes I know that there are those of you who will think I’m crazy. And that is possible.  But I’ve always said my first choice would be to create a new marriage with him, I didn’t want what we had before that wasn’t working.  So let’s say I’m looking forward with a guarded heart.  A single positive interaction does not mean it’s all better now.  It means that it is possible that despite the odds, by focusing on our future, making sure that we spend time together, in the garden, the kitchen, on a date, in the bedroom allowing us to begin to love one another from a better understanding and desire to stay together.

I can always walk if things haven’t really changed.  I know who my attorney will be.  I have the money set aside to pay for him (from Mom).  I’m not afraid to be alone (i always enjoyed when I lived alone earlier in my life) and knowing I wouldn’t be destitute if I did leave makes it much easier to accept that as an option.  Some of the other blogs that I read these couples can be as far a four years out in reconciliation and just beginning to feel a connection again.  I’m a year and a half from d-day, so seeing what feels “genuine” to me is a sign that we just might be on the same page here.  If he still playing me, it will come to light at some point.  I’m turning my attention and focus on me, healing myself and my needs.  This  allows me a bit more time to see if what he showing me is really genuine.

I figure if I’m still here, there must be a reason. Being still here, I can’t focus on the negative anymore when it comes to us.  If I never “let it go” and move beyond, in reality what chance do we have?  Whether I end up staying or going I still need to “let it go”.  I don’t want this to follow me for the rest of my life, ending up an old lady bitter and unchanged.  I want to learn how to be a better me no matter where I go or who I’m with.

So raise your glass my friends

Sometimes it’s okay to be wrong!

When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO BUT NEVER POSTED- MY BAD!

 

When you suffer the pain of infidelity, the heartache of an emotional  or physical affair, deception in your marriage, a disconnect from the one you thought was that “soulmate”, when it looks like your marriage is coming to and end, you begin to think “is this it?”,  “Is this really the end of our relationship?” It most definitely feels like it.

Yet for some untold reason you stay together, sort of. Both remain in the relationship and continue day to day, but are they really there? I mean their hearts. You see their bodies but do you feel their heart?  If your answer is NO! Then why stay? I just couldn’t think of the right words to describe this until I read a post written by Douglas LaBier PhD.;  Caught Between “Longing” vs. “Settling” in your marriage.  In which he describes this dilemma so perfectly:

                     

                       “caught between feelings of longing for a relationship ideal that they think, might be real but unfulfilled

                              and a pull towards settling for what they have, with all it’s imperfections and disappointments”.

That was it, the word I couldn’t put my finger on. The word is  SETTLED.    It didn’t feel like he was choosing me, it felt like…

He was settling on me.

Settling because He felt comfortable with me.  That certainly makes me feel so special.   Even with all my imperfections and disappointments I’m still comfortable, I guess that’s how I see it.  I’m good enough to be the slave laborer but not enough to be the desired one.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie My Best Friends Wedding “You order creme brulee but what you really want is jello, jello is comfortable.” I guess I am jello.  Not good enough to make you only want jello, but brulee is something you only want sometimes.  Which is the lesser insult?

He simply cant make up his mind.   I imagine it is fear, fear of the unknown.  I’ll take a guess, that this is happening for both of us.  I try to wrap my mind around  what being single again, after 20 years of marriage , would actually be be like.  Especially in this technological, youth oriented, narcissistic world we live in today.  How does someone who still has empathy survive in this world of wolves, without being eaten alive again?

I’m not really looking forward to it in all honesty.

I HATE infidelity!!!

 

 

Inspiring Blogger Award!

image[1]

Today’s Readers have something fresh for their eyes in the way of my NEW theme. It was time again for me to pick a new look to represent me. A couple of things inspired me to make a change:

1st) When I feel like I am making progress in some area of my healing, a new theme represents growth to me or some type of change. Being able to go several days in a row with triggers setting me off is BIG growth in my opinion.

2nd) A dear sister blogger CrazyKat, whose blog Try Not To Cry On My Rainbow has nominated my blog (I guess that means me!) for the Inspiring Blogger Award to which I say Thank-you very much for your kind gesture. It is a nice feeling to know, that sharing my story, about trying survive after husband’s affair, are of benefit to my readers, most often another human being who may be feeling so alone. I’ve always stated since the very beginning, if even one person was relieved of the hurt for just a brief moment. Then suffering would not be in vain. Thank-you you again Kat. The support I receive from sister/fellow bloggers and readers, continues to inspire me as well. Hugs to you ALL!–Chely P.S.   Did you notice?  I got the picture on this post and I now can embed the shortlinks –  Yippee!!!

 

The Rules of nomination:

1) Thank the person who nominated you 2) List rules of award 3) list 7 random things about yourself 4) nominate another blogger 5) contact your nominee and let them know 6) proudly display award logo in sidebar, about page or other special location on your blog

 

My nominees for this award are: Take a minute and check them out – both are worth it!!

1) Matt at the blog Must Be This Tall To Ride.  Describes himself as a divorced, single, a father, makes bad decisions and this is his journal. He has an open letter to shitty husbands that’s awesome. (Wish mine would read this). His style of writing and tell it like it is (to himself) attitude inspires me. Demonstrates that divorce is not the end of the world-just feels like it. Good job Matt!

2) Kristian at the blog Pixalated Lifestyle .  Describes himself as a world traveler, movie lover, reluctant procrastinator who has lots of thoughts scrambling around in his brain. I don’t think his description does him justice. I find that he is a young man who has his finger on the pulse of whats going on in this world, while still displaying integrity, showing his heart, and enjoying life. He has written some powerful pieces and it’s refreshing to see young people who are REAL. Good job Kristian!

 

 

RANDOM THINGS ABOUT CHELY THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN.

1) I was married once before, 10 years no kids. H wanted to keep our sex life from becoming boring by becoming “swingers”. We tried it, he loved it (wanted to do everyone) and It was okay, but not something I needed all the time . It wasn’t the multiple people part of it, more that he just  wasn’t as picky who we did (since I had a nice variety partners BEFORE I was married, I didn’t NEED to fuck everything that walks) so that didn’t work SO WELL for us. He ended up cheating too but I didn’t find out until after we divorced.

2) I LOVE to build sandcastles at the beach. I have my castle building supplies always packed and ready. Sometimes people tease me about it, thinking they’re too mature for that. But something about sculpting in that sand, on my hands & knees (better than dermabrasion) brings me closer to earth and what feels good, they say don’t stop playing if you want to have fun in your life.   I prefer being outside to inside any season. Much of the time I’m on the patio when I blog, yep even in the winter.

3) When I was little I wanted to be a go-go dancer in patent leather boots, inside the cage like Goldie Hawn on the show “Laugh-In”. Okay I grew up in the 60’s and still love to dance. I’ve been told I “shake it” pretty good. I have been to over 100 Live music concerts and music still moves me, but I don’t listen as much as I used to. Too many triggers in too many songs!

4) I am hooked on San Francisco Giants Baseball Team- Love going to the games in SF at AT&T Ballpark, it is like no other. My favorite players are Angel Pagan – center field, Hunter Pence -right field and Buster Posey -catcher. I’m hoping to go to spring training in Arizona in the spring. Yep -love them Giants!

5) If I’m watching TV most likely it is related to: something that explores science or expands my mind discovering ancient things,like ruins, bones, artifacts, caves & underground tunnels, etc. I MUST visit ruins in Italy and Egypt before my bucket tips.

6) I have a disease called Morgellons that is related to Lyme disease. It is no fun at all! I have a beautiful smile but it has messed my nose up some. There is still not a cure and a lot is not known about this. Scientific research is finally catching up with this ailment, for many years the doctors just told me it was all in my head. I knew that was NOT true and science is proving it.

7) If I had to live my life over again I would have decided what to “be” when I was younger,  so I could acquire the proper education for that line of work.  Whichs means I am a  “Jack of all trades, Master of none”.  I have  a plethora of knowledge rolling around in my head and know how to do A LOT of things, but not enough in one specific area to be truly useful to myself career wise.

So that’s my list- hope it helps you to know me better. Hugs to you all!! Chely

The Turtle Pond

This last summer my youngest son came home with two red eared slider turtles. Someone he knew had them and couldn’t take them where moving to and since we have a fish pond he brought them home and put into the pond. My husband was a bit worried about his fish some of the smaller ones could of been eaten so he made them their own pond.

Keep reading I think you’ll like the twist at the end!!

Their shells measured about 5″ x 7″ both about the same size. To tell them apart I glued a small jewel to their backs, one turquoise and one orange. You wouldn’t think that turtles have much personality but after observing them daily, I realized just how much I enjoyed interacting with them. However the pond was not deep enough and it became difficult to maintain. I decided to dig a bigger, deeper one that would be located under a shade canopy where the boys dirt pile for playing used to be.

About this time my next door neighbor (who also has a soft spot for animals) asked if I might take three more turtles that were going to be abandoned. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that many to care for but I didn’t want to see them released into the wild so I agreed. She brought them over when I wasn’t home and son put them in the new pond. Two of them were smaller than turquoise and Amy G. (the orange one), about 5″x 3″, the twins. And a bigger one, that I named Diva. At first the new additions were very skiddish, but finally adjusted and seemed to LOVE their new home.

Each morning I would take my coffee and sit and observe them. It was awesome they have such personalities, are curious about things and love to try to escape. I began to see that the smallest one really liked Diva. Always following her around getting right in her face, taking his front paw/claws and would ruffle his fingers along her cheeks and then swim behind her appearing to mount her. I thought that seems like a mating
ritual so off to the computer to research it and sure enough it was. Do I know about love or what?

I also found out how to tell whether male or female, sure enough the littlest one is a male and the other four are female. I call him junior and junior is in LOVE with Diva. Only Diva, junior doesn’t perform this with any of the other girls just Diva. He is obsessed with her, follows her everywhere, won’t leave her alone. It seemed so cute, at first.

After a while I began to notice that the back of Diva’s neck looked raw like her shell had been scraping against it hard or something. I didn’t know what or why this was happening to her and it appeared to be getting worse. One morning as I walked up to the pond junior was attached to Divas neck, biting her and even when I poked him with a stick he wouldn’t let go! When I finally got him to let go I pulled him out and put him in a big tote. (These turtles live in water). But after a few days I felt bad for him and put him back in. Sure enough the next morning there he is again attached to her neck- okay FUCK THIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD- I’m not going to let you abuse Diva- back in the tote. What was I to do?

Being the clever, resource gal that I am (and the fact that we have so much crap in our garage) I found two plexi-glass sheets large enough to section off a corner for junior to live in (its bigger than a 25-gallon aquarim) so he can be in the same pond, still see the others, the three little fish go back and forth between the cracks so it’s still all one environment. But junior does not seem to like it. He spends his days trying to swim through or escape to the girls in the rest of the pond. And they come to glass and observe him in his relentless pursuit, he still will follow Diva only back and forth along the glass wall. He seems to suffer so.

And here’s the part you’ve been waiting for, wondering where this post is going: I enjoy it! I enjoy torturing him and watching him suffer the loss of his lover, the one that he abused so viciously when no one was looking. And I felt Divas pain when she looked in my eyes asking me to get him away from her and I understood how she felt like no one would help her escape the torture, of being loved and abused in the name of that love. Am I sick or what? It feels so good to punish an abuser, imprison him in the compound and force him to look out at the lover he wants so badly but cannot have, cannot escape HIS prison.

It sounds twisted but please rest assured junior is not harmed in any way. Actually he has the favorite corner of the whole pond, along with the good go under rock that they all coveted before the compound was built. I would never actually harm him, putting him in there and watching him tormented just made me feel like I could stand up against abuse. I don’t have to be quiet anymore. Someone has to speak up, and I’ve always been told I speak to loud, so why not me? I think I’m the perfect poster girl for what 20 years of emotional abuse can do to a highly sensitive person. Can you say MIND FUCKED?

I know not where this road in life leads me but I think i’m ready to see. I don’t want to get stuck in the pleasure that making junior suffer with a broken heart break brings me.

I want turtles to love again without harming each other.

T.O.R.

I have been told many times that I am too sensitive, too emotional. For the most part, I guess you could say I somewhat agree with that. I know I can get all teared up over what some wouldn’t even bat an eyelash at. I call these tears of recognition </em>. I’m not wanting to save the world (tough enough time just saving myself) they are the way I show I have feelings and emotions within me. The things I do, the things I believe are true to my heart. The ability to see and feel the hurt and troubles of others. Also known to many as empathy, the ability to stand in another’s shoes and see from that vantage point. Yes, when you possess empathy, you can see things from another’s point of few.

When you possess this quality many things can trigger those T.O.R.. Movies, many scenes in movies bring tears to these eyes & those commercials about the abused animals requesting donations, impoverished children waiting for my sponsorship. I don’t think I change these sad situations, my tears are just recognition of pain that another is feeling. Closer to home, comments made during a conversation that truthfully are not directed at me but somehow resonate within me as I know I am lacking/slacking on particular subject. Yes I know that I am not perfect, actually so far from it that sometimes reality bites. Yes with empathy I can even see the short comings of myself. ( more TOR).

And I used to think that my sensitivity made me special in some way. That I was more in touch with my feelings, not in denial like I thought others must be (especially spouse). I felt like I was the stronger because I knew what emotions get stirred within me, that I was more oh let’s call it “well rounded” because I didn’t close those emotions out.

However my opinion has changed a little bit, because in today’s world that is not the norm. Not that there aren’t others who have these same qualities, just it seems our world has less tolerance of people’s feelings and emotions. It’s tough to make it in this “dog devour as many dogs as you can” world we live in today. There isn’t a lot of room for emotional thoughts on this narcissistic planet. We live in the “what can you do for me” world. That attitude is taking over the place inside of individuals where compassion and empathy used to live.

I have been called a marshmellow by my husband, also the animal whisperer. Because he knows how big my heart is and uses it(I’m pretty sure) to his advantage. I will not ever, not for one minute be ashamed of my emotions. I am a caring, passionate, empathetic, strong woman who will not apologize for my tears of recognition. Whether they come from caring for myself, a moment of pity party, or because something about another touches me, I am not afraid of my emotions and I will let them shine.

Even if it makes me “prey” in this world we live in? Can you say groomed to be co-dependant growing up?”

Yep, I own my tears of recognition. My narcissist does not posess tears of recognition for himself or anyone. Even with his eyes wide open, he will never shed a tear that recognizes the suffering of another.

Sad to be missing such a big part of what makes us different from all living things.

Can a person forgive too soon?

Fairly soon after I discovered my husband’s affair, I made the decision to forgive him. He’s human, he makes mistakes. So many (both men and women) once discovered simply walk away and don’t look back. So when he said he wanted to stay together and make it work. He said he had ended the affair. He said he was sorry. So I took what he said at face value, decided to be the bigger person and offered forgiveness for past transgressions and tried to move forward positively.

Squarely thinking we would be working together at this reconciliation. It seemed like it was working, for a while. But everything just started not to feel right. I didn’t feel better, everything seemed to trigger me, and I was always feeling like shit. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to share those feelings with him. I was always told I’m over thinking it, or just get over it already. I thought maybe it was too soon to have forgiven him? But I did. I couldn’t just take it back. My thinking about it was I need us to be on the same page about this working together to put it behind us. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I thought it was the right thing to do. And in many ways I still do.

I forgave him also for myself. I thought if I just let it go, it would fade away, not bother me and I didn’t want to dwell on it. If he had been genuinely remorseful I think it could of worked. But here’s the thing:

it’s difficult to be in a place of forgiveness without taking enough time to process your feelings and emotions about all of it, even when they are remorseful. Especially when you don’t have all the information needed to understand the severity of it all. If husband had exhibited any of the behaviors of a truly remorseful spouse, and meant what he was telling me I think early forgiveness could of worked. We could of moved forward in a healthy way.

However being married to a narcissist, I should have realized that much of the conventional wisdom on healing and reconciliation after affairs, doesn’t really work/apply for us. As a matter of fact, most advice to spouses of a narcissist says to run as fast as humanly possible to get away from the harm that these people cause.

Despite the fact that a year has passed since d-day, I felt we were slipping further apart. All our interactions seem superficial and forced on his part (sometimes on mine too) and everyday I was feeling more and more resentment because I felt something was missing from this picture.

What was/is missing? A true heartfelt apology that shows his remorse. Not the excuses, and blaming and justifying type of (non)- apology that I received. But an apology that showed his understanding of the severity of the situation and what it has done to me. An apology that was focused on how his choices had caused me severe trauma and how he would help the healing of wounds inflicted by him. But that’s not what I got, no what I got was basically a non-apology camoflaouged as one. But I didn’t recognize it at the time.

I wish that I had been able to record those very few discussions that we DID have about the affair. That way I could go back and listen to what he actually said (now that my head is clearer). Because I now feel like there never was an apology just excuses and blaming. I understand no one likes to be confronted about mistakes they have made and many times they are upset and feel forced into apologizing. So instead they twist their apology to reflect their lack of responsibility. They will say things that sound like:

I’m sorry you feel that…

I’m sorry but…

I was just trying to help…

If I hurt you, I’m sorry…

If you think…

If I made a mistake…

Fill in any of the blanks and you’ll see an attempt to apologize without it really being their fault. A great apology includes an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF RESPONSIBILITY, and when it’s lacking, what they imply is they think they did nothing wrong. In my opinion no apology would have been better than his half-ass, piss poor excuse for an apology that he gave me.

“A cheater who refuses to acknowledge and address their failings is a cheater who expects you to accept them as the person they were on the day they decided to have the affair” Wayfarer

http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/06/25/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-2/

I realized at the moment I read this quote that he never apologized because he doesn’t feel that he has done anything wrong. Nope, not him true entitlement. He will never apologize to me. He doesn’t think he was wrong one single bit. He will take years of a not so great marriage and twist the story to fit his needs. He has re-written our history to fit his behavior, this has become his reality. Twisted as it may be it is now “his truth”.

In my situation by forgiving him too quickly several things happened: I had not worked through any of my emotions and feelings regarding his affair. I guess I was so glad that he hadn’t just walked out the door and never returned giving us a chance to make it through this. I thought it was his way of showing me he still wanted to try so I felt that I should show my willingness to work things out by offering forgiveness. I thought I had established a couple of boundaries and made sure I heard what he was saying about what I wasn’t giving that he needed. Believing he would be doing the same for me. And for a while it seemed like it was working.

And secondly, there really were no consequences for him. Not that him being a narcissist it would of really made a difference. I thought asking him to end the affair, him doing (saying) that he did was a consequence. It should be a given not thought of as a consequence. But you know I really wasn’t thinking clearly those first few weeks. Getting through a day without crying and a new discovery took everything I had. Oh that and trying to be a better wife. I thought that’s what he wanted. That’s what I heard when we had talked. Those few times that I was allowed to bring the subject up.

I would initiate a discussion about our circumstances (which he never wanted to do, but did so a couple of times reluctantly) and I would get these non-apologies, twisted blaming and projecting his bad behaviors back to me. Don’t get me wrong I’m no angel, I have done some pretty crappy things in this relationship as well (not infidelity). He is the one that is the emotional abuser but still cannot, will not, refuses to see that!! But I always have owned my mistakes, took responsibility for my actions or in-actions. Him, Hell I can’t think of a time that he didn’t think that I was responsible every thing wrong in our relationship. It is a classic example of projecting everything that he sees as wrong in our marriage as only coming from me. Unable to see any wrong doing on his part WHATSOEVER!!

So while I tried to forgive him I realize now I am holding a grudge against him. He has inflicted emotional abuse on me for a very long time and this affair is just coup d’grau for his sick little mind. Yes his perfectly charming, twisted emotional abuse, it eats you alive. I have zero trust in him. I know that he doesn’t follow through on things he says to me, even though the outcome is detrimental to him as well. (Like refinancing the house because we have a terrible interest rate, he just refuses to make it happen.) Doesn’t he realize that when he doesn’t keep his promises he is telling me he simply doesn’t care. I mean if he can’t or won’t change his mind why is being honest about it so bad.

Yes if he is using this past year as a way to make me leave this marriage (because he is a coward and won’t do it himself) then I’ll have to say he is doing a fine job of it. Because like the song by Lifehouse says:

Halfway Gone
I’m halfway gone

You were always hard to hold
So letting go aint easy
I’m hanging on you’re growing cold
While my mind is leaving

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
‘Cause I’m halfway gone and I’m on my way
And I’m feeling, feelin, feelin this way
‘Cause your halfway in but don’t take too long
‘Cause I’m halfway gone, halfway gone

Do I know what I am going to do yet? No not yet, but I have hired the private investigator and before too long the truth will be set free. Then I have what I need to confront him, even though I don’t think it will make a difference. His eyes are shut, and I don’t think he wants to open them. Too bad he’s gonna loose a DAMN GOOD WOMAN!!

http:www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2013/07/22/affair-forgiveness