His Birthday Cake

Twelve years ago I attempted to divorce my husband. Everything was packed, I had filed for divorce, moved to my sisters house with the boys (they were 5 & 9 then).  I was ready to start a new life.  We were apart for 4 months and as you may realize I went back to my husband.  My point in this tale, is to explain about a regret I had. A regret in the way I handled things with his family.  I found out much later that his family, especially his Mother and Sister, were extremely hurt that I basically never spoke to any of them about circumstances.  I was family to them, and they had always been good to me.  And I just blew them off.  I realized much later that,  that had been a mistake.  That was not who I was and how I treated people I cared about. So flash forward – 2014. 

During those first few months after D-day, when I wasn’t sure what the hell was going to happen. I realized  that every indicator said he was probably going to leave me. How in the world will I be able to explain all of this (without seeming like I’m crazy)?  I had no idea how much he had told others or what he may have said throughout the past (the smear champagne).  However I was not going to make the same mistake again.    My “other” family, our friends, heck even my family, all who knew nothing of our current situation would have to be told and  I wanted to be able to explain myself  without having to deal with the emotions and questions sure to follow.   

Words and phrases started tumbling around in my head.  Then sentences and phrases started popping up .  I grabbed a napkin and started writing.  The words fell together, almost sounded like poetry, and it felt like the only way I could say what I needed to say without feeling like I was being a bitch.   But I also know,  that should we eventually go separate ways I want the truth to be known.  Obviously I haven’t done anything with this poem except write it as a blog draft.  I thought I would post it at this time because I may never use it- hopefully.

 

His Birthday Cake

 

My heart it is so empty,  as I pen this sad good-bye

our marriage it is over,  no longer will I try 

Never did I think, how horrible it would end

thought our love strong enough, to survive both storm & wind

So blissfully we started out, two babies we did raise

amazing that they even survived,  growing up in narcissisms’ haze

 Try? oh yes, I try so hard, my fingers bleed & break

then I smile and he kisses me, and I bake his birthday cake

Never would he trust, or maybe lean on me

“tsk, tsk you crazy woman,  you know nothing can’t you see”

So off he goes in search of her, to commit a moral sin

being but mere mortal man, I willingly forgive him 

Guess he never realized, my hero it was “he”

never could see my side, forest has too many trees

Because of course “man knows best”,  as woman I have no say   

my ideas, oh no, not worthy, it always had to be his way

Wicked words are his arsenal, In my daily torture such pleasure he takes

but I smile and he kisses me, as I bake his birthday cake

How long has this been going on? to count we must use years

our marriage he has torn apart, no longer I shed tears

Took everything promised to me , gave it all to her

 thought I would stand so silently, no more will I endure

Breaks my heart to mention, alone he will grow old

I always tried to warn him, “shall reap just what you sow”

No longer can I stomach, the food that he doth feed

tried to run much sooner , but back he always did lead

Cry out to someone “save me” , but no one ever came

to help me off this prison floor, end this pointless game

Played his stupid mind games, raise his hand he never did

but his words are made of venom, used only on me & the kids

Without us to sustain him, new victims he will seek

be careful if he looks at you, that hole is very deep

You could say I’ve had my fill, of him and all his crap

pleasure that’s forbidden, she squirms upon his lap

His mouth when it is open, speaks no truth -just lies

only bent I am not broken, for him I will not die

Thinks that he has done no wrong, as sure as I sit in this chair

sure that if you did ask him, he thinks he did not “affair”

A ” perfect”  little family, part of his façade and his delusions

“this” certainly not mine, I’d of preferred a different conclusion

Know I’ll always love him, everyday til end of my life

become so painfully obvious, he no longer wants me as his wife

Friends and family please know I love you and I always will

his love is just too toxic, can’t swallow that nasty pill

Tremble as I write this , no longer will I fake

so sad, it is, it really is , but I’ve baked his last birthday cake.

By chely     

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One thought on “His Birthday Cake

  1. Beautifully written. Brought tears to my eyes…xox

    Like

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