About

I have left every ABOUT page I have written, for those who might like to see how my perceptions have changed since the beginning of this journey.  How I continue to learn, and continue to heal (or not).  I am just one woman who is trying to figure it out.  The most recent ABOUT PAGE IS #3- scroll down to find it.  Thanks for coming to join me and I hope you find comfort, and support within my posts.  Don’t be shy, I welcome all comments whether you agree with me or not.  Welcome!

 

This is the #1 ABOUT – January 16, 2014

Join me as I journey, both walking and stumbling, through the feelings, emotions and healing (I pray) in my life as I survive my husbands’ affair. While being able to survive is essential, the crucial part for me is to heal and grow personally so that at the end of it all my marriage will be intact, not as it was, but as a strengthend, fulfilling partnership that can stand up against any type of intrusion that would dare to come between us. I do not know how this story will end, if through this journey I can save, or at least lessen, someone who is in a similar situation, from the PAIN & AGONY I have experienced by sharing what I have learned, then there can be some good from suffering. The desired conclusion is for my marriage to remain intact and yet different at the same time , because to remain married and yet change nothing would be a fruitless journey, one I do not plan to take. Won’t you join me and see where this road will take me? No one should ever travel alone!

Sincerely your new friend,

Chely5150

#2 ABOUT ( REVISED ABOUT PAGE:) Thursday, July 24th, 2014

A mere seven months ago I began this blog, it seems like an eternity ago. I had recently learned of my husband’s infidelity/love affair. My goal was to survive and keep my marriage from dissolving. I thought we can do this, we will survive. Yet I was in such excruciating pain every day that, surely keeping this to myself would drive me insane. So I read, & read & read & cried for 8 hours a day, for month’s. I have learned so much and it has helped me begin to heal. The most important thing I wished i’d known in the beginning is: DON’T MAKE ANY DECISIONS WHEN YOU ARE IN THE DEEPEST DESPAIR – STOP TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO PROCESS PROPERLY SO YOU DON’T DO/CHOOSE SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET!!– So I told very few people and began this blog to further my recovery and avoid insanity through the healing salve of the written word.

It’s absolutely still possible to achieve my original goals. However the story has become more twisted and complex than I first suspected. While my husband and I are still together and trying to move forward from this, more details and an understanding of the additional challenges we face; narcissism, sex addiction, multiple partners, the depth and length of deception to name a few increases the commitment required to truly love again.

Yet sometimes he give me the feeling that he really doesn’t love my heart, or care that its been broken. Damn that narcissism, it is a curse. Because I still believe that he is a good and decent man deep inside. You don’t spend 20 years loving and fighting and living with someone and not know who they are inside. For better or for worse – I got both!! It is a difficult journey my friend. My heart and my pages are open to those who are in pain from infidelity and need someone to talk to. Open to all who want to experience my yellow brick road,  no need to actually walk on the bricks, I will take you on this twisted tale through my words.
****WELCOME****
your friend chely

 

#3 ABOUT – July 21, 2015

After discovering infidelity by my husband I needed to get support. I was falling apart – I lost almost 50lbs. without trying and had a hard time not crying at ANY trigger.  This blog and the many I follow have been what has saved me from drowning.  Maybe they are the lifeline you may be looking for as well. I am currently still together with my husband. Being in a much more complex situation than simply an affair, has shown me that I am resilient.  This has been the hardest thing to ever go through in my life.  From my learning about infidelity, covert abuse, narcissism,  dysfunction, personality disorders, sex addiction, what love is, what love isn’t, men, women, long-term relationships, the effects of childhood on us as adults and our relationships and some in-depth looks at the baggage each of us carry,  new technology, how marriage and relationships are evolving,  and much more. It’s mind boggling!! It’s overwhelming and healing at the same time.  It’s important that you make decisions about you in your specific situation.  No one lives there but you, so while learning is good you make your choices.  You will be better for it.

That I am able to say that I’m still here, is an accomplishment in it’s self.  After 20+ years in this marriage I really don’t even know who I am anymore.  The girl I remember was not like me now.  I miss her.  This is not an attempt to go back in time at all. No, not at all- that girl would not know the things I know today.  I don’t want to be her again.  I seek her spirit and desire of life again.  I lost myself through “service to my family”.  I gave it all away. I should not have and the worst is my giving wasn’t receiprocated in the way I needed it.  My attempts to “fix” things are different now.   It is about me and what I need to find me again.  That may or may NOT include my husband, I’m leaning to the NOT.  Because The most important thing I’ve learned is you can’t change anyone but yourself.  And boy, do I see this now.  Change only comes from within not from without.  Hey that’s the same as happiness.  Maybe I’m on to something.

Here’s some regular stuff:

I am a white (grandparents from spain), 53 year old woman who has been married for 20 years.  I have two children (boys currently 19 & 23 live at home, the oldest from a relationship that I had after a 10-year first marriage – no children.  our oldest was adopted by my husband when he was 4 y.o.)and a husband,1-dog (sons), 1-cat, 14-fancy koi fish in a pond and 5 red-eared slider turtles all in their”holiday hotel” pond we created for these friendly pets.  We took them all in when someone was going to abandon them.

I live in Northern Californian not too terribly far from San Francisco. I love the SF Giants baseball team, cheesecake, being by the water, and spend 50% of my time on the patio.  I have always struggled as an adult in one way or another I have learned a lot of things about people.  I think Psychology today is my favorite website and will refer to such often.  I pretty sure I have PTSD and that my husband may be a sex addict of some sort, but due to his narcissistic tendencies, moving forward after discovering his infidelity and the mask he had been wearing (don’t we all) all his life makes it uncertain what lies ahead for us.  I’m sure he thinks things are much better – they are not.  We have very different views on “us” and what that involves. We can change no one but ourselves and if meeting your needs isn’t reciprocated at some point, it changes how you look at things and yourself.  Please come see what you can find here that will be of comfort to you in your own journey.

I am not a victim.

I am a survivor

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6 thoughts on “About

  1. Arnette Sohn says:

    Great Posting. Hope to read more from you!

    Like

  2. bumpsnpotholes says:

    Hi Chely? I have nominated you for the Liebster Award http://www.bumpsnpotholes.wordpress.com/Liebster-Award-Nomination.
    You remember me better as ldelights.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] and her, he’s now my knight in “not so shining” armor blog, at https://chely5150.wordpress.com/about/ Chely is bravely battling with infidelity in her marriage. She has been very supportive of me and […]

    Like

  4. I had an affair says:

    Where have you been?! You are missed…

    Like

  5. Bird says:

    You are one brave woman!! I was dealing with the same stuff…infidelity, narcissistic personality, plus drug addiction and motorcycle clubs. I wanted to save the marriage, but in the end, I couldn’t. There was just too much damage. I’m rooting for you, girl! Stay strong, and write, write, write! It saved me!

    Like

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