What we don’t know about mid-life CAN hurt us.

Even before the discovery of his affair I had come to realize that my husband was having a “mid-life crisis”. He talked about getting a new sports car (we have more cars than the average family). He complained about his health (the aches and pains as the body ages and the years of not exercising and eating right were catching up with him). Several of his co-workers had been retiring (his original plan was to retire at 55 and although we save and invest there was no real plan). He had known three men who recently passed away (one a very close friend who died from sleep apnea, (something he suffers from but won’t sleep with the c-pap). Our boys still live at home (even though both are out of school and do work), and continue to be a major expense in our budget. Due to the economy, our finances not as solid as before. Our marriage had been unhappy (for us both) for sometime, even though I thought we had finally reached a point that we were working on improving it. Then I discovered that text message which changed my life forever.

Mid-life, getting older, it is unavoidable. It happens to us all, both men and women. It can be described as a period of transition or crisis. You realize the years of your youth are past. You begin the second half of your life. Some people accept the inevitable, and transition gracefully. More often, this period is met with denial. Refusing to accept a fact of life. They fight against the realization that time is unstoppable. We are getting older and someday we will no longer exist. I know my husband was feeling this way about his life but I never realized how much so. And due to the years of emotional abuse I lived with, I was unable or unwilling to be supportive of him. Like I imagine a partner in a healthy marriage would do. (I still think he doesn’t get WHY I WASNT THERE FOR HIM.) Feeling overworked and unloved I imagine is when his affair began. I wonder if he thinks this solved his problems? (maybe a feel good band-aid). In my opinion, this did NOT solve his problems, only add to them.

So is mid-life crisis an excuse for having an affair? Some would say yes. Some would say no. I think there is more to it. As our bodies produce less and less of hormones needed to remain balanced. For women the primary indicator is the cessation of menstrual cycle. No more periods. Some are never affected by the loss of these hormones. Others experience many uncomfortable symptoms, and take hormones to make their bodies function better.

But what about men and their process of aging? Obviously they don’t have periods, so how do men know? For many men the most obvious symptom is in their penis. Sex has less intensity, they may no longer get that rock hard erection of their youth. Also they are more irritable, restless, they look at their life, their family, their spouse and begin to wonder, is this it? Feeling lost and unhappy they question their existence. Why haven’t I accomplished more? What about my dreams? Maybe they realize their life didn’t turn out the way they had planned, feel defeated. (Maybe they actually have a good marriage/life but due to these hormonal changes experience many similar feelings.) The years have slipped by and what do you have to show for it? They look for someone to blame, most likely their spouse. They grasp at what they feel is their last chance to hold onto their youth. Maybe they buy a sports car, have an affair, or even abandon their families. Most don’t have a clue about what is going on within their bodies because doctors only address the erection part of it and fail to educate about the other symptoms. For men, this period of transition is much longer than a women’s, It takes men 10-15 years to complete. It’s called andropause.

The effects of hormones “pausing”, in both men and women, can lead to the types of behavior mentioned above. Hormone therapy is readily available to help women, and for men if they discuss with their doctors. Men generally don’t like to acknowledge a lack of testosterone If. But it’s so much more than not being able to get/keep an erection. Both the physical and mental/emotional changes can have traumatic effects on his life without an understanding of what’s happening it is very possible that these effects can be a significant cause of why (some) seemingly happy, successful men seek affairs or commit suicide.

So the term “midlife crisis” may be appropriate, simply because they are in denial about the aging process. However it is not an excuse to have an affair, people know right from wrong. But these changes can skew their thinking process, make them rationalize inappropriate behavior. Knowing this helps me understand, how despite us making a lot of progress in our relationship, husband sometimes doesn’t seem “present”. My mind instantly thinks that his thoughts are of his AP, and maybe that may not be the case at all. He is stuck in the dilemma that his body is out of balance- leaving him in that hormone fog I spoke of earlier. This is a serious medical issue. Without information to assess this properly, many just feel too overwhelmed , stuck and unable to do anything to help themselves and some end their lives. Or they have an affair thinking this will make them feel better. For most it does not, it only makes them feel worse, and increases the chaos in their life.

If your husband (or if you are a guy that is reading this) has any of the symptoms listed below you may want to check out this website by Dr. Jed Diamond (MEN ALIVE) It is filled with information aimed to assist those who are in crises, and those that love them. It is ultimately up to each man to seek what they need. Not all who have an affair have hormones out of whack. Some are just infidels. Don’t let them use this as an excuse. That would be a disservice to those who actually have reached mid-life and transitioned gracefully. Or those who with medical assistance have finally found peace, love and happiness in the second half of their lives. I pray my husband falls into that category, with me.

Despite his narcissistic tendancies, I believe these hormonal changes play a big part in his behavior. Making an attempt to do the right thing, even while it doesn’t feel totally right. I believe that is why his actions don’t seem genuine to me. He is still in a fog, not an affair fog but a hormonal one. And he has to address this, before he will see significant improvements. I can’t make him change. If he wants to feel better it is something HE will have to do, because I am not the cause of all his problems. I don’t control his body or what he does. If he refuses to do anything about it I cannot force him to address the problem. It may sound as if I am trying to control him but He is the one who shares with me his aches and pains and worries with me and asked me for help. (Wow it just dawned on me that he is SHARING feelings and concerns with me – that’s a step in the right direction for sure.)

So no sports car or hair transplants for my guy, hopefully some hormones will bring us even closer to really healing after that affair. Damned mid-life!!!

http://menalive.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Male_Menopause_Crazy_Things.pdf

MOST COMMON SIGNS OF ANDROPAUSE

1.reduced libido or sex drive

2.reduced potency or ability to maintain erection

3.fatigue, loss of vitality

4.irritability and “grumpiness”

5.aches, pains and stiffness increase

6.depression which manifests as anger or boredom

7.night sweats (or day), hot flashes

8.dryness and thinning of skin

9.restlessness and a longing to “break free”

10.weight gain acquiring a “pot belly”

ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT HAS A LOT OF ARTICLES ABOUT MEN AND MID-LIFE

http://inlpcenter.org/10-things-people-over-40-should-do-to-find-lasting-happiness

Advertisements

Oops – don’t wanna stand on the soap box

I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.

When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.

http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>2012/01/18/a-spoon-too-long-on-being-a-sex-addict-in-a-sexless-marriage/#comments
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/its-hard-to-be-polite-sometimes/

Dear Bi,

I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.

From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:

“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.

For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:

“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.

PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:

“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”

Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.

When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;

She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.

You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.

“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.

The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.

To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.

You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.

https://chely5150.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/no-visible-scars/

My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.

So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?

Respectfully still reading your blog,

chely5150

p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).

First let me say, if you have commented recently and I haven’t replied or acknowledged you- PLEASE forgive me.  My computer is having some sort of problem and keeps kicking me out of wherever I am and If I refresh it may return me but wipes out everything I just typed and I have to start over (everywhere except new posts), so please be patient while I try to get this resolved. Thanks

 
Well I thought it was my computer until my son asked last night why internet not working. A-ha! Not my computer it was my internet hook-up, made a call and all is good now. Thank the heavens! I was about to start having blog withdrawals. Does that mean I’m addicted? Hell yes! I’ve already stated that fact. Okay now on to my actual post…..

….I caught him last night. Yep that’s right I did some checking up on him and lo-and-behold…
He was doing and exactly where he said he was! I caught him doing the right thing exactly as he had said. What a weight that was lifted from my heart finding that when he spoke he was telling the truth. Hallelujah! A bit of trust between us was restored at that moment. Hopefully no repercussions about my checking up on him, as I hope he won’t find out that I did call the person he had met with after work. It is a vendor that he deals with occasionally from out of town, so he doesn’t have daily contact and my actions will hopefully just slip through the cracks undetected.

The day before he had showed me an e-mail from this gentleman who had invited him for dinner and a beer. He left it on the counter that night and I copied the phone number down. I was absolutely sure that he was hooking up with a woman (I thought it would be her) or any woman. But he wasn’t, of course unless he asked this guy to lie, which I guess is a possibility. However I don’t think he would come right out and ask someone to lie for him. He would have to reveal a bit of his other personality and he doesn’t show that to the rest of the world that “adores” him. He wouldn’t look saintly and that’s not how he wants it. Loves his adoring work world friends to think of him on that pedestal. (I guess there is that remote possibility that he is also hooking up with men, I read a lot of stories about some men’s secret desires that are totally unknown to others.) But we’re not going there now.

So after he called to say that he was on his way I waited about an hour and called the number and inquired if my husband was still there (“so sorry to bother you but this is Mrs. _______, ___________’s wife I’ve been trying to reach him it’s urgent and his phone must be dead, he left your e-mail on desk so I thought I might catch him before he left”.) His response felt honest and genuine “Oh no bother at all, but he’he left about an hour ago. We exchanged a polite goodbye and ended. Sure enough at about exactly 1-1/2 hours from time left he walked through the door. I wanted to congratulate him on actually being where he said he was (u know positive reinforcement) but that would defeat the purpose of being stealth. So this would have to be a silent victory toast to seeing a good thing. Would be nice to see more. Keeping my fingers crossed. o

Sometimes there’s something that can give you hope

His Birthday Cake

Twelve years ago I attempted to divorce my husband. Everything was packed, I had filed for divorce, moved to my sisters house with the boys (they were 5 & 9 then).  I was ready to start a new life.  We were apart for 4 months and as you may realize I went back to my husband.  My point in this tale, is to explain about a regret I had. A regret in the way I handled things with his family.  I found out much later that his family, especially his Mother and Sister, were extremely hurt that I basically never spoke to any of them about circumstances.  I was family to them, and they had always been good to me.  And I just blew them off.  I realized much later that,  that had been a mistake.  That was not who I was and how I treated people I cared about. So flash forward – 2014. 

During those first few months after D-day, when I wasn’t sure what the hell was going to happen. I realized  that every indicator said he was probably going to leave me. How in the world will I be able to explain all of this (without seeming like I’m crazy)?  I had no idea how much he had told others or what he may have said throughout the past (the smear champagne).  However I was not going to make the same mistake again.    My “other” family, our friends, heck even my family, all who knew nothing of our current situation would have to be told and  I wanted to be able to explain myself  without having to deal with the emotions and questions sure to follow.   

Words and phrases started tumbling around in my head.  Then sentences and phrases started popping up .  I grabbed a napkin and started writing.  The words fell together, almost sounded like poetry, and it felt like the only way I could say what I needed to say without feeling like I was being a bitch.   But I also know,  that should we eventually go separate ways I want the truth to be known.  Obviously I haven’t done anything with this poem except write it as a blog draft.  I thought I would post it at this time because I may never use it- hopefully.

 

His Birthday Cake

 

My heart it is so empty,  as I pen this sad good-bye

our marriage it is over,  no longer will I try 

Never did I think, how horrible it would end

thought our love strong enough, to survive both storm & wind

So blissfully we started out, two babies we did raise

amazing that they even survived,  growing up in narcissisms’ haze

 Try? oh yes, I try so hard, my fingers bleed & break

then I smile and he kisses me, and I bake his birthday cake

Never would he trust, or maybe lean on me

“tsk, tsk you crazy woman,  you know nothing can’t you see”

So off he goes in search of her, to commit a moral sin

being but mere mortal man, I willingly forgive him 

Guess he never realized, my hero it was “he”

never could see my side, forest has too many trees

Because of course “man knows best”,  as woman I have no say   

my ideas, oh no, not worthy, it always had to be his way

Wicked words are his arsenal, In my daily torture such pleasure he takes

but I smile and he kisses me, as I bake his birthday cake

How long has this been going on? to count we must use years

our marriage he has torn apart, no longer I shed tears

Took everything promised to me , gave it all to her

 thought I would stand so silently, no more will I endure

Breaks my heart to mention, alone he will grow old

I always tried to warn him, “shall reap just what you sow”

No longer can I stomach, the food that he doth feed

tried to run much sooner , but back he always did lead

Cry out to someone “save me” , but no one ever came

to help me off this prison floor, end this pointless game

Played his stupid mind games, raise his hand he never did

but his words are made of venom, used only on me & the kids

Without us to sustain him, new victims he will seek

be careful if he looks at you, that hole is very deep

You could say I’ve had my fill, of him and all his crap

pleasure that’s forbidden, she squirms upon his lap

His mouth when it is open, speaks no truth -just lies

only bent I am not broken, for him I will not die

Thinks that he has done no wrong, as sure as I sit in this chair

sure that if you did ask him, he thinks he did not “affair”

A ” perfect”  little family, part of his façade and his delusions

“this” certainly not mine, I’d of preferred a different conclusion

Know I’ll always love him, everyday til end of my life

become so painfully obvious, he no longer wants me as his wife

Friends and family please know I love you and I always will

his love is just too toxic, can’t swallow that nasty pill

Tremble as I write this , no longer will I fake

so sad, it is, it really is , but I’ve baked his last birthday cake.

By chely     

It’s that feeling, that sick, nauseating feeling deep in the pit of your stomach.  Sometimes known as that “gut feeling”.  I feel it every Monday morning.  Every Monday morning when he leaves for his other life.  Over the pass, snaking his way through the streets sometimes because he HATES sitting in traffic.  He leaves to spend the day doing whatever he does.  Work, yes I’m sure he works some of the time-still employed.  I don’t think he would ever jeopardize that but then again I’ve come to realize I really don’t know him.  (sounds so funny after being with someone 22 years).

 

And hence that feeling that takes over,  terrible, won’t let go of you, queasy stomach, that “gut feeling”.  Many monikers have been used to describe this phenomenom; a feeling, a  hunch,  women’s intuition, ah yes INTUITION!

intuition- 1. direct perception of truth or fact, independent of any reasoning process  2. a keen & quick insight

So my interpretation of this is something you feel you know but don’t have any solid facts to prove or disprove the feeling your having about your particular situation.  In my case,  is my husband continuing to have affair/s?  Am I just paranoid? Overly concerned? Jealous?  I definitely am paranoid about it.  I so fear being made a fool of, of submitting to what would amount to out and out blatant in your face lies.  It does hurt to think of it. YUK that damn “gut feeling”! It turns out there are studies that are linking the bacteria in ones digestive tract to the types of emotions and responses one has (you know tests so far only in rats but hey they always have to start somewhere). They theorize that in the future they maybe able to help individuals with personality disorders by changes made to bacteria within one’s intestinal tract. I found this article extremely fascinating, (I love all that scientific stuff). http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/09/gut-feeling.aspx And so I sit and try to figure out if my gut is right. Independent of facts why do I continue to feel this way?  Should I listen to my gut?  Seems like there are strong proponents on both sides of this barbed wire fence. Sitting on top of this fence is pretty damned prickly!

 

When solid facts are not present to base certain feelings on your intuition kicks in.  Your brain is like a search engine, it takes a situation and searches for a match in your memory banks.  If there is no exact match it finds the best possible match. The brain is not stupid, and it considers not only your memory but is able to include circumstantial evidence. Then, when things just don’t add up, the brain sends a message to your mid-section and it begins to speak to you.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/2007-04/gut-almighty  

  In her book Not “Just Friends” Shirley P. Glass P.hd. states “Many affairs are discovered when intuition says that something is wrong and little things don’t add up”. 

So I guess the million $ question would be:  Should you trust that gut feeling?   In an article by Laura Maquire “The art of decision making”, she states;  “Gut feelings are your truth, so to speak, related to how well your needs for acceptance and control of your own responses to life/freedom is being met, and they are in that way always reliable.”  http://www.philosophytalk.org/community/blog/laura-maguire/2013/12/gut-feelings?page=    I had never thought about it that way before, makes sense to me. I have felt purposely held back before and with the knowledge of previous affair/s,  I feel that it’s clear to see how I could have these suspicions.  

 One hears stories of gamblers who “just know” they’ll hit it big the next hand or spin of the wheel and then looses every last dollar they have.  As well as others who didn’t listen to their “gut feeling” and in the end find out they were right all along.  How does one know what to do?  It can be a very painful feeling, to have this type precognition and not be able to decide what to do?   Or is it just the green-eyed monster inside of me, wondering what women fill the “other” hours of his life.  I hate questions that you cannot work to find the answers to. 

What if I go with my gut feelings and it turns out they are incorrect?   What if it turns out I was correct all along?   From what I’ve read from the experts about a narcissistic spouse is that they NEVER change their ways unless it is their choice. .  But really,  is it accurate? To say that in 100% of the people 100% of the time that is what happens is unrealistic.  Doesn’t it seem that there could be a few individuals who do change their ways (or at least some of their behaviors)  unconsciously due to specfic circumstances ?   I believe that there are exceptions to every rule.  It is that undefinable grey area that is my world, which I spoke of previously. 

 I guess that’s where I’ve parked my butt, the barbed wire world of grey.  Not knowing which way to turn, what to think, what to believe.  It’s like never, never land – you can’t get off the ride even though you feel kinda sick to your stomach.   

I guess in many ways this paragraph from the website http://www.dearpeggy.com kinda sums up WHY (even though things improve a little each day) I still feel this.

“most spouses “know in their gut” when their partner is lying about something like this, so they’re not likely to keep a hand on suspicions until/unless the spouse shows some understanding of the suspicious environment they’ve created by their actions and attitudes. Vivid pictures of the lasting impact of secrecy and deception, doubts and suspicions don’t go away with time, maybe underground but sure to resurface at some point”.

I should acknowledge that things ARE improving in my marriage. We spend way more time together, gardening, shopping, watching TV, playing dice, cooking, making plans for the future and oh YES- making love! Before too terribly long our boys will move out on their own (being 18 & 22-I do hope they’re not in our home forever- but the economy and all) and it will be just the two of us. I realize if we having nothing else but time and children holding us together then it could begin to crumble again. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to survive the affair to have that to happen. So I work on creating new connections in our life together. Every weekend we’ve dining on our patio (we have a great backyard) just the two of us, listening to the sound of the waterfall in the pond, sharing a bottle of wine, just being together. We talk (not about affair) or sometimes not, but we’re together, building a new future. That’s what I’m seeing as steps in the right direction. Sometimes on Mondays, I tell my gut to SHUT UP! Sometimes not.

And further down the road I travel, so many new things to learn along the way. Some days are great but on occasion I still need to lie down because I have one of those stomach aches. Mostly on Mondays. (First draft of this post was written on Monday).

Quote of the day:
“There are receptors to these molecules in your immuine system, in your gut and in your heart. So when you say ‘I have a gut feeling’, or ‘my heart is sad’, or ‘I’m bursting with joy’, your not speaking metaphorically. You’re speaking literally”. Deepak Chopra

SHUT UP! That nasty “gut feeling” that doesn’t want to go away

Do they make a “Patience” Barbie?

Towards the end of my post titled “Yellow Brick Road” I said something about being patient- a little patient. I must retract that statement. What I should of said was; you are going to need A LOT OF @$%@$ *&(*&^ )^$#*@# $%#^%& PATIENCE!!! In fact a whole truck load of it to survive his affair AND try to save your marriage, and oh yeah your sanity as well. Dammit my truck is Mattel sized- only big enough for Barbie and a little patience. That must be my problem. I can’t get enough patience in the bed of my truck! Right? well I guess, could I be wrong. I realize that I’m not a patient person. I like to see that my investments have the potential for dividends right away. Apparently what little patience I’ve demonstrated so far isn’t quite enough. Sometimes it’s never (oh no that word) never enough , or I should say there isn’t enough. MAYBE- I’ve had enough! NO, no, no girl -calm down! Here I go over-reacting again.

Let me back up just a little; My husband and I never separated after the discovery of his affair. So there was no “space” to speak of for “breathing”. At first things were good, obviously neither of us knew what to expect. I guess since we both said we wanted to try it would be easier than it is. But we stumbled along , and had sex for the (2nd) first time after four days. It wasn’t mind-blowing and it wasn’t awful – it just was. It did feel good to have him hold me in his arms and his naked flesh wrapped around me. Each day would seem a bit better, and then the step backwards. Patience girl this will
take time. Slowly we progressed, forward and then back some, and then one day he just kinda changed again -zombieville like he was sooo sad, like someone died. PATIENCE REQUIRED HERE! Must check resources what is happening? I discovered that this is a fairly normal (whatever the hell that is) occurance. When the cheater finally breaks it off with affair partner, they feel as if a death has happened and they must grieve their loss. Oh Boy more patience! So I kept on doing the things that he had requested (those “me” things I had neglected) and it got better somewhat, however still only a little (mediocre) sex. This next change came in an unexpected form, he has begun to have panic/anxiety attacks. The kind where he thinks he might be dying. I realize that he is in a full blown mid-life crisis (you know wants a new sports car, furniture etc.) but I never expected this. It is so disappointing that it seems like the attacks come on only when he’s around me. Ouch! I need two more truck loads delivered right away. Now they are actually occurring more often, when he is working, driving etc. (In some ways i’m glad its not only when with me.)

In his article, Dr. Robert Firestone states that during a mid-life crisis (MLC) , due to receiving damage in basic feelings of themselves (in their early lives) it is difficult for them to offer or accept love. They are forced to hold onto this negative self image because to change would lead to anxiety. I believe that this is what is happening to my husband. Or the other (not so pleasant) option is he either is seeing HER again, OR has found a new source of narcisstic supply and feels extremely guilty or not!! Oh my head continues to spin. Where did I put that patience of mine?

If you have never been in a relationship (I pray you are not) or an immediate family member of a narcissist or passage/aggressive disordered person, some of the things I describe here may seem foreign to you. Like why I put up with his egotistcle, self-centered controlling and sometimes cruel personality? While he loves me , he hates me as well, for he believes I am the source of everything gone wrong in his life. Of course it’s me, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s perfect!! In his perfect internal world, everything and everyone must always focus on him, his suffering, his sacrifices, how hard he works and stressed they are. How happy or unhappy. Sometimes it’s enough to almost make me puke! Like he’s the only person in our family that matters. But have no fear I apply more patience from my 55-gallon drum. and I bite my tongue because I don’t want this marriage to end without fighting for it ONE MORE TIME! More patience required here! Excuse me but I gotta run down to the truck stop-got a big shipment of patience coming in- if you need some i’ll have to order more for you cuz I need all I can get!!

While reading up on what patience is or isn’t. I found the following paragraph in classical litititure of Hinduism in Wikipedia defintions:

“our conduct must always foster forebearance, one must patiently endure rude remarks because it delivers us to purity. If we are unjustly wronged by others, it is best to conquer our hurt with patience accept suffering and refrain from unrightous retaliation. It is good to patiently endure injury done to you but to forget them even better–just as Earth bears those who dig into her, one must with patience bear with those that despise us, and so on”.

So if you have any (patience) to spare please send it my way because I may be running out! And the procurement office is closed for the weekend!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet”.
Jean-Jocques Rousseau