Oops – don’t wanna stand on the soap box

I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.

When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.

http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>2012/01/18/a-spoon-too-long-on-being-a-sex-addict-in-a-sexless-marriage/#comments
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/its-hard-to-be-polite-sometimes/

Dear Bi,

I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.

From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:

“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.

For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:

“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.

PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:

“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”

Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.

When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;

She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.

You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.

“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.

The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.

To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.

You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.

https://chely5150.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/no-visible-scars/

My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.

So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?

Respectfully still reading your blog,

chely5150

p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).

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Worst thing about trust

“One of the worst things about trusting someone is believing that everything they ever told you was the truth. From the I love you’s, I need you, I care for you, and that you make them happy and complete. Only in the end to realize, you weren’t the only one they were saying it to.

Telisha McLaughlin

Labels

Labels……
We put them on bottles…..We put them on boxes…..We put them on files…..We put them on lots of things…..Even people…..They can be flattering, or hurtful, or insulting or a compliment. In relation to people, a label is a word/s that describes someones behavior or actions. (chely’s definition)

Labels. Many times they are used to group individuals into a specific category (positive or negative) and describe them in that same manner. Sometimes the label is accurate, sometimes not. Either way, I still don’t really like using them for people, why? I’ve been labeled before and it has not been pleasant, not positive at all, actually hurtful, down right cruel. So is it fair for me to label my husband? I’ve labeled him several different ways since the conception of this blog. I thought I was getting it right.

However, my unending passion for reading has given me conflicting information as to the meaning of said labels. I have no doubt that he is not without issues. Who doesn’t? But it’s become confusing which term is appropriate. And I’m worried at the same time because I can see some of my own behavior fit into some of those descriptions as well. Not the same behaviors as his but still in the disordered arena (think more like co-dependency). I know how it feels to be labeled unfairly. Don’t like it at all. So I must ask myself, “what makes me qualified to label him….. unless, actually 20+ years of living it, can make one an expert. In that case, qualifications met.

It’s not the label itself but the differing descriptions of these behaviors, under the same label They are many personality disordered Labels. There’s different classes(A,B,C) and then categories as well; (PD=personality disorder) Anti-social PD, passive-agressive PD, bi-polar PD, narcissistic PD, sociopath, psychopath, avoident PD, borderline PD, histronic PD, co-dependancy (and many sub and crossover categories too). It’s mind boggling and become a bit blurred as to which label is appropriate.. While there are many different types of disorder and behaviors, there is one “trick up their sleeve” that is used by all types (various ways) to implement their control and that is mind games.

THEY PLAY MIND GAMES…..STUPID, TWISTED, WHAT THE FUCK FOR MIND GAMES!

The DSM-IV defines mind games as: conscious one-upmanship – “In intimate relationships, mind games can be used to under mine one partners belief in the validity of their own perceptions. Personal experience may be denied and driven from memory and such abusive mind games extend to the denial of the victim’s reality, social undermining and the trivialization of what is felt to be important. Both sexes have equal opportunities for verbal coercion, which may be carried out unconsciously as a result of the need to maintain one’s own self deception”.

Whew! I get shaky just typing the description. When you read it, like that, OMG it really hits home. Conscious one-upmanship- it’s unbelievable that he can be that self-centered and really not realize what is going on. Why should he? This is normal to him, he grew up in it, lived it his whole life. When his parents look happy and like they have it all, why wouldn’t he want to repeat that success? Listen for the key phrase, “look happy”. I do acknowledge that it has not all been bad, there has been much good and love all along. That is what adds to the hurt in some ways because it can be so good, it doesn’t HAVE to be this way. It is was it is and I know I can’t change the past, that would be foolish. This legacy has most likely been handed down for a long time.. How do I know ? I’ve seen the look on his Mother’s face before; the one I recognized instantly;

you stop, suck in your breath, and hold it, then twist it closed and swallow it whole and then the look on her face.

Most would not even see it unless you have lived it yourself. This life of covert emotional abuse. Think of it like a child’s see-saw (or teeter-totter) at the park. The highs and the lows as it moves up and down. It won’t stop, you don’t want to ride anymore, you feel sick to your stomach but can’t get off because it won’t STOP! So you hold on for dear life.

I am not un-guilty of crimes against my marriage. I have done things myself that were not in the best interest of us (not infidelity). I can be unkind with the best of them. So while I’m still here, in this marriage I’ll be doing my everything in my power, not to change him but to make him understand . I don’t want to label him, I don’t want our old marriage back -no, no, no! I just won’t tolerate the crap anymore! I’ve been trying to change what I can, how I react. I think I’ve gotten better (not perfect just better) at controlling my emotions, less outbursts and defensiveness. I don’t have to accept his opinion as my own and I let him know it respectfully. I want us to find a NEW marriage, one that is healthier for us both.

I do remember the strong, caring, loving women inside me and he may as well. She got buried, but is digging her way out. So difficult to know what to do? If HE is even in the painting of my future. Heart tells me one thing, head another. Never sure what tomorrow will bring. What I do know is, I shouldn’t be putting labels on him so freely, I know how much it hurts. Maybe we DO belong together. Two disordered people just getting by the best way our twisted youth will allow. I don’t know. I just think, that I better think before I label. We all should. Do you agree?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Passive+Aggressive

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wicked-deeds/2014/how-to-tell-sociopath

http://www.healthguideinfo.com/personality-disorders/p910741

Maybe it’s time

The clock is ticking…. tick-toc, tick-toc….clicking away each day….each day a little closer….a little closer to the worst….the worst and maybe best day of my life. The clock is ticking towards D-DAY. The day I discovered that my husband was having an affair. OMG! I think other than loosing a child, the most horrific personal injury one can ever imagine to them is to discover your husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair! For close to 11 months now i’ve had the never ending ticket on this nauseating ride. I also have come to recognize it as a blessing, somewhat.

At first I thought the blessing was that he didn’t just dump me, as too many women/men have said they experienced when they learned of their spouses affair. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, after all it was just one simple affair, he was staying, and said we could work on our issues and make it better. I was grateful to not have been forced out of my home and life immediately. We could do this I knew we could. But as the months passed by, while we appeared to be getting along better, (we were), that was just the cover-up, so he didn’t have to let on to the world, that we are in a hell of a mess, keep those appearances up,it’s okay, it’s all fine, no worries here.

And so we did. I asked him about attending counseling, “nope, no thanks not for us”. How about a cd workshop/program? “why would we listen to other peoples opinions about us?”, I think you get the picture. It’ll all be fine, if I just do my best: to love, adore, appreciate, and worship him. (Then wait on him hand and foot then pick -up all of his messes when he done with something (project, meal, paperwork, his pack rat ways, etc.) And go with everything he says, never disagree or think I could have my OWN opinion. And be ready for sex- but only when he might want it.That was his solution. I asked where his ideas came from? What book or website? Simply replied, He asked a friend at work how we could get along better. The response he received was just to be nicer to each other and spend more time together. Weel it’s just a simple affair right? Maybe it’ll work. Sure it will as long as I play properly.

So I decide that I will forgive him and we’d move forward. Since there was to be no counseling I started reading lots of things on the internet, A LOT OF THINGS. Hours and hours and days & months of reading how to make my marriage survive, marriage after an affair, anything that had to do with me, him, relationships, infidelity, as well as narcissism in relationships. And I got some great ideas, thought I can do this, (even though anything dealing with personality disorders, narcissism or passive-agressive stated otherwise). I was different, I can make it better, he’ll be glad he stayed with me. So I tried, used the best suggestions and while we did get along better-the writing was on the wall, but someone used invisible ink.

I looked for the things, that most information recommended, would be happening, Remorse, shame, a wanting to right things, etc. as well as signs that he had ended the affair. And while he had left her a voice message the morning of discovery (he let me listen), after a short time I’m pretty sure it resumed. Truthfully none of the other signs were present either- made me wonder. There’s got to be more to it than the brief explanation he gave me all I had done wrong and his feeble apology. There’s something more happening here.

I did feel I was losing my mind again, no counseling, no talking about it or how I was feeling, it was all about him. All about how he is the victim here and basically I needed to make it up to him that I neglected him causing him to seek another. And I somewhat foolishly tried, but there’s more to it than just the dust on the surface of this old story, so much more.

My last post I decided to write about emotional abuse. I had read an article on the physical abuse a woman had suffered through and I found her story couragous. I decided to write about the abuse I knew first hand.. Covert Emotional Abuse…also known as a relationship with a passive-agressive person.

A relationship with a personality disorderded, passive-agressive, cheating, lying, narcissist, oh so clever abuser There you have it- I admit it.

I acknowledge it I am married to an abuser. And I have been living it for 20 + yeaqrs. I was glad to be married to him he’s a good catch I thought. See I was trying to have a loving, caring relationship/marriage. The problem was I was the only one participating in it. It’s my one-way love story. I guess I have writing to thank for the eye-opener that I got. Writing and reading and time. Eleven months to slowly peel the layers back on the onion that he is. I always hated onions! Slowly, I’ve come to realize that his words are simply words, there is no action attached to them. Nothing that comes from his heart (if he even really has one). Nothing that indicated he was sorry, and wanted to right the wrong and make it all better… after all he was my “Knight in shining armour”- right? Wrong- he’s a knight alright. (I’m going BIG here) But not in the way you think… you see our last name, HIS last name is Knight. (Now you see why I had to name this blog this way. Seemed so appropriate- except his armour is not only tarnished he has become the knight who fell off his horse.

Yep reading and writing and crying and wondering why he didn’t care that he hurt my heart. Yep, it’s about time…the clock is ticking………..

………….tick-toc……….tick-toc……..it’s just about time!

No visible scars?

What type of injury leaves no visible scar?

Do you know?

Need a hint?

It’s silent & slow.

It permeates.

Like toxins absorbed through skin.

It can even be life threatening.

Continues to injure. Leaves no visible scars.

I didn’t say NO scars,

no visible scars.

While not illegal.

A crime none the less.

Still not sure?

It’s not easy to see.

No visible scars.

But if you carry these scars, you know what I speak of.

It is the little spoke of, it is EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

A person who has higher than normal levels of Narcissism is likely to be an emotional abuser. Some are subtle, some are in your face. They can appear to be your friend or in love with you. It can be your spouse or significant other, a sibling or parent. A teacher, policeman, or your boss. A politician, or volunteer. Someone you barely know, your neighbor or your best friend. A child or an elderly person. Someone on the internet or you could be married to one!

How do you prevent emotional abuse?
FIRST AND FOREMOST IS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Unlike physical or sexual abuse which generally is attempted to be kept “private”, hidden in the darkest parts of one’s life, “as a secret”. Emotional abuse can happen right out in the open, in a family, the work place, on the playground, even in our church’s. It can take on a group mentality, or be one indidvidual. It frequently is an unwelcome legacy handed down from generation to generation.

Our world has become more accepting of these abusive behaviors; bullying, belittling, reprimanding, teasing, making fun of someone, excluding them, gossiping, teaching them a lesson, correcting, humiliating, scapegoating or to deny someones right to their own opinion. And then possibly laugh at it all afterwards and say “just kidding” like it’s no big deal. People need to STOP BEING ACCEPTIIVE of this behavior and speak out.

How can we protect ourselves from this abuse?
First Is SPEAKING OUT AGAINST IT. Stop letting the media shove this in our faces constantly making it seem more & more normal to society. The television, music and tabloid type printed material are filled with it. It is permeating our youth daily and they grow-up thinking that this normal. It is not normal to emotional abuse another human being (or animal).

Second is to stay away from abusers. This can be difficult. They are hard to spot, can seem so charming, caring. Possibly a family member or co-worker which can make this difficult. In which case awareness is the next best tool against it. In many, many ways he/she is the proverbial “wolf in sheep’s clothing”. To be able to stay away from or deal with none in our lives, we must first understand what EA is and how high levels of narcissism are a good indicator. This is Narcissism as defined by (DSM-IV):

(an individual who possesses) ” excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationship skills, resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply.”

Read that paragraph again!

Let it sink in, because this type of individual is often difficult to recognize, until they have you firmly in their grasp, by then it may be too late. Most of the time you don’t even know it’s happening to you until that point. Don’t take this lightly- the most extreme form of Narcissists are called socieopaths and psychopaths. Does that get my point across a little better? Many emotional abusers have high levels of Narcissism. Are all emotional abusers narcissists? No, but all Narcissists are abusers. All of the above disorder wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on it (at least that’s the way the seem, in the beginning, before they hook you).

Everyone possess some narcisssism within themselves. Normal levels help one strive to do their best, a type of drive to keep on moving forward in life, in the best way. But unhealthy levels lead to attitudes of self-entitlement, grandiose thoughts, needing extreme amounts of adoration, unable to empathize, feeling they deserve so much more, than what they have. Also low self-esteem, jealousy, envy, conceit, a need to feel superior. As the partner of one, you are only there for them and their fullfilment. They will be sure to remind you on a daily basis. They also may physically, financially and sexually abuse you as well.

So why should you read my words? Who am I? I’m not a psychologist or counselor or trained in this…in any way, except through experience. I have experienced emotional abuse first hand for over 20 years in my marriage. I also grew up in a family with dysfunction. So I am only able to relate what I have lived through to tell the story of what emotional abuse (and other types of mental illness) can do to your life, your marriage and sadly your children from said relationship. Which then leaves no visible scars for the next generation to bear.

My family of origin has many EA’s within it (as does his). Since I grew up in one, I am familiar with EA or family dysfunction, experts would say, (although unconsceniously,) I am drawn to this in my relationships, because it is familiar to me . I say bullshit , I may be familiar with EA but I am not comfortable. I may have lived with this growing up but being in this type of relationship is never comfortable.

Probably one of the main things that makes it difficult to spot this type of abuser is that it can appear to not always be bad. I think of it this way; The vows I took when I married mention “for better or worse”, I realize I got both. Some of our marriage has been wonderful ,going places, doing things, years of family and friends. But pretty regularly I was questioned, punished, ignored, invalidated, belittled, gaslighted, reprimanded, embarrassed, told I was psycho, imagining things or just plain wrong about everything I thought. And all in a way that indicated he was doing it for my own good, helping me. Sometimes with a smile on his face.

He is that wolf in sheep’s clothing. Handsome, successful type that looks so good on the outside you would never think that he is an abuser. He didn’t start out that way. He was kind, loving and giving at first and that is what they want you to fall for. He tells you, you are soul mates. Sweeps you off your feet and places you on that pedestal on top of the world. Then when your deep in a relationship they begin, slowly removing the bricks from the pedestal, unnoticed until you’re balancing on one toe on the last brick, just to save your life. Mine had never been married and wanted to be a father to my young son (son was 1-1/2) whose biological was not in our lives. We met through my sister, he was her husbands good friend. His parents were still married, and lived a very comfortable life.

He came with good credentials so I was not looking for any red flags. Ones that, had I known what to watch for should of given me a clue. Never married in his mid thirties. The two previous relationships he spoke of were short term and he called both of them psycho losers (although in all fairness I’ve met and know both and they kinda are exactly that). With one he had a child, and although he saw her occasionally, he never paid child support (until forced by the state). That one always bothered me and he gave me some story about an agreement between him and her only to find out later- lies, more and more lies in the form of half-truths.

After we were married and have a son together it began. Slowly and meticulously stripping away any self-esteem, any courage, any of the passion for life that I had, until there isn’t much left of the true you. Like a brainwashed step-ford wife, making sure it looked perfect to anyone looking in. According to him, I didn’t know how to cook, drive, shop, or take care of the kids basically don’t know anything. At this point, convinced that you can’t do a damn thing, they realize what a horrible person you are and everything wrong in their life is your fault. They slyly play mind games, twisting every word or action to their benefit. It is difficult if not impossible to argue with them. They are the masters at this game. The continued, unmerciful behavior strips your ability to rationalize, to think clearly. They drive you insane and seem to enjoy every minute of it. Oh yes and they will let everyone know of your problems, how messed up you are. You are their victim, and they play both sides of this coin like a concert pianist -perfectly. Yes they will act like they are the victim as well as a hero.

“I am so wonderful for saving the crazy women from herself, the poor victim who needed to be rescued. Then just when you are about to fall off that cliff they create a new story line as THEY claim to be the victim, because the crazy one is taking advantage of their good will and caring causing all of the problems in their life. They truly believe this bullshit and now seek sympathy from others because YOU are victimizing them. The absolute worst part of all of this is that because they are SO good at twisting the tales they tell, that people actually believe them! Even people and family who know you will fall for their story. It is because they put on such a show of perfection to all who will listen that they must be telling the truth. It is all smoke and mirrors for the outside world to see. A cruel fairy tale of their creation.

The hardest part of being in a relationship of this type of person is to describe to another just what the abuse is. My husband rarely swears at me, has never hit me (well once when we were drunk a long time ago but I had him arrested but they let him out early and never even notified me of it – i’m sure he convinced them I was crazy) but would never do anything that would leave a visible scar.. Doesn’t call me filthy names, he’s much more underhanded and concerned about appearances than that. Actually to see us you would think he is wonderful to me. Because his true nature only comes out behind closed doors. The condescending voice, belittling, invalidating, ignoring, witholding finances, etc. -all of it reserved for only those special loved ones at home. Only me & the kids, and rarely anywhere outside of our home.

Basically everything I do is wrong, unneccessary, ridiculous, a waste of time, self-centered or stupid. I’m lazy, unproductive, can’t finish anything, doing it the wrong way or have no clue. Our house is a disaster and we have no money because of me. I have no good ideas and am basically worth very little to him except be his beautiful scapegoat. ( I do get to go on vacation with him, not because I deserve it but he doesn’t want to go alone). He cheats, doesn’t pay his taxes on time and I think will kick our dog (that he never wanted) when no one is looking. Our children are good for nothing and will never amount to anything- just sponges sucking him dry. Yet no matter how horrible it is you stay, can not leave. If you try, he will bring you back for more of the same (after he lures you back with promises). And still you love him because that is what you are conditioned to do. It can eventually affect your physical health as well.

The saddest part of all of this is, I believe he doesn’t do any of this on purpose. He grew up in a family where this same story took place. His family was perfect on the outside, dysfunctional on the inside. It was all he knew. The legacy was passed on to the next generation.

It is sad and it is sadistic to treat those he “loves” with such behavior. It changes who you are. Oh, it still looks like you, there are no visible scars. Nothing for the outside world to see, the shell looks the same but the inside is empty, dead, like a clone he created to replace the real you. No scars for you to show the world when you SCREAM – he is abusing me. I once told a counselor how I wished he would hit me so everyone could see his crime against me, see a scar, a broken bone, a bruise. She said to me:

HE HITS YOU EVERYDAY WITH WORDS! ON PURPOSE BECAUSE IT LEAVES NO VISIBLE SCARS.

A crime yes indeed, a sick twisted crime that leaves no visible scars. Scars that no one can see. I am scared & my children are scared.The hardest part to accept is that I knew it was wrong. I knew that this behavior was unacceptable. I knew it was not a place to raise my children. Yet I was unable to leave him. I finally accepted that this was my lot in life- but I was not going to accept the abuse anymore. No more fighting with him, I had to get control of my emotions and not allow him to get to me any longer. It was going fairly well until I discovered he had been having an affair.

As you may know, we are still married, he has mellowed in many ways with time. I still love him and would like to work to a better future. After d-day he has been so much better. I think he would like to go back to pre d-day. But for me that marriage is over. I don’t want that one back. If he can make the changes, for himself, because years of this is effecting his health as well. I need a guarantee, no more abuse, nor more cheating, a fresh start. I think a post nuptial may be in order for him, as a way for me to see if he truly means it.

If you are unsure if you or someone you know is being abused please click on these links for a very good articles of those red flags/behavior to watch for. I pray that a narcissist never preys on you or your loved ones. They are very sick on the inside, yet look like the complete package on the outside. Learn what to watch for when bringing new people into your life, or you could be here in 20 years writing a blog about invisible scars. It should be a crime!

The relationship destroyers; counsellingresource.com/lib.theraphy/self-help/understanding

Signs of emotional abuse; psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/