I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.
When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.
I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.
From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:
“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.
For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:
“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.
PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:
“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”
Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.
When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;
She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.
You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.
“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.
The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.
To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.
You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.
My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.
So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?
Respectfully still reading your blog,
p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).