The clock is ticking…. tick-toc, tick-toc….clicking away each day….each day a little closer….a little closer to the worst….the worst and maybe best day of my life. The clock is ticking towards D-DAY. The day I discovered that my husband was having an affair. OMG! I think other than loosing a child, the most horrific personal injury one can ever imagine to them is to discover your husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair! For close to 11 months now i’ve had the never ending ticket on this nauseating ride. I also have come to recognize it as a blessing, somewhat.
At first I thought the blessing was that he didn’t just dump me, as too many women/men have said they experienced when they learned of their spouses affair. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, after all it was just one simple affair, he was staying, and said we could work on our issues and make it better. I was grateful to not have been forced out of my home and life immediately. We could do this I knew we could. But as the months passed by, while we appeared to be getting along better, (we were), that was just the cover-up, so he didn’t have to let on to the world, that we are in a hell of a mess, keep those appearances up,it’s okay, it’s all fine, no worries here.
And so we did. I asked him about attending counseling, “nope, no thanks not for us”. How about a cd workshop/program? “why would we listen to other peoples opinions about us?”, I think you get the picture. It’ll all be fine, if I just do my best: to love, adore, appreciate, and worship him. (Then wait on him hand and foot then pick -up all of his messes when he done with something (project, meal, paperwork, his pack rat ways, etc.) And go with everything he says, never disagree or think I could have my OWN opinion. And be ready for sex- but only when he might want it.That was his solution. I asked where his ideas came from? What book or website? Simply replied, He asked a friend at work how we could get along better. The response he received was just to be nicer to each other and spend more time together. Weel it’s just a simple affair right? Maybe it’ll work. Sure it will as long as I play properly.
So I decide that I will forgive him and we’d move forward. Since there was to be no counseling I started reading lots of things on the internet, A LOT OF THINGS. Hours and hours and days & months of reading how to make my marriage survive, marriage after an affair, anything that had to do with me, him, relationships, infidelity, as well as narcissism in relationships. And I got some great ideas, thought I can do this, (even though anything dealing with personality disorders, narcissism or passive-agressive stated otherwise). I was different, I can make it better, he’ll be glad he stayed with me. So I tried, used the best suggestions and while we did get along better-the writing was on the wall, but someone used invisible ink.
I looked for the things, that most information recommended, would be happening, Remorse, shame, a wanting to right things, etc. as well as signs that he had ended the affair. And while he had left her a voice message the morning of discovery (he let me listen), after a short time I’m pretty sure it resumed. Truthfully none of the other signs were present either- made me wonder. There’s got to be more to it than the brief explanation he gave me all I had done wrong and his feeble apology. There’s something more happening here.
I did feel I was losing my mind again, no counseling, no talking about it or how I was feeling, it was all about him. All about how he is the victim here and basically I needed to make it up to him that I neglected him causing him to seek another. And I somewhat foolishly tried, but there’s more to it than just the dust on the surface of this old story, so much more.
My last post I decided to write about emotional abuse. I had read an article on the physical abuse a woman had suffered through and I found her story couragous. I decided to write about the abuse I knew first hand.. Covert Emotional Abuse…also known as a relationship with a passive-agressive person.
A relationship with a personality disorderded, passive-agressive, cheating, lying, narcissist, oh so clever abuser There you have it- I admit it.
I acknowledge it I am married to an abuser. And I have been living it for 20 + yeaqrs. I was glad to be married to him he’s a good catch I thought. See I was trying to have a loving, caring relationship/marriage. The problem was I was the only one participating in it. It’s my one-way love story. I guess I have writing to thank for the eye-opener that I got. Writing and reading and time. Eleven months to slowly peel the layers back on the onion that he is. I always hated onions! Slowly, I’ve come to realize that his words are simply words, there is no action attached to them. Nothing that comes from his heart (if he even really has one). Nothing that indicated he was sorry, and wanted to right the wrong and make it all better… after all he was my “Knight in shining armour”- right? Wrong- he’s a knight alright. (I’m going BIG here) But not in the way you think… you see our last name, HIS last name is Knight. (Now you see why I had to name this blog this way. Seemed so appropriate- except his armour is not only tarnished he has become the knight who fell off his horse.
Yep reading and writing and crying and wondering why he didn’t care that he hurt my heart. Yep, it’s about time…the clock is ticking………..
………….tick-toc……….tick-toc……..it’s just about time!