Really? But They Seemed Like Such A Nice Family, So Normal

Once during one of our “discussions”, he had said to me that “everything is not all about you”.  While on the surface this could be seen as a hurtful statement, I understood (I think) what he meant by that even though he may not realize it.  Doing so would mean he must acknowledge the dysfunction in his family of origin.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that all abuse is mean, direct, straight forward, name calling, drunken beatings in a lower, deprived class of people.  That is so NOT TRUE at all .  Sometimes it is blended into what is basically a warm and loving family.  This family wants what is loving and nurturing and healthy for it but (for whatever) reason in their history something stained it .  Sometimes it goes outwardly bad, easy to recognize.  Other times it grows inwardly, causing it to be sickened despite still wanting what is good.

To own this means you acknowledge  what was always presented as “perfect”, simply is not so. It is not the truth. It is a facade, all for outward appearances  It hurts to realize that your behavior was (albeit unintentional) detrimental to yourself and the one you created. If you refuse to accept this as part of your reality, you deceive yourself.  When you finally (maybe) see a glimpse of it for what it is, it’s too painful so you push it away.  Don’t acknowledge ,then it won’t be true.  Otherwise people will recognize it for the facade it was. To cover up the pain that sometimes comes along with the love, within families.

My husbands’ inability to acknowledge any of this (in our family or his FOO), is ultimately what was the cause of his affair/s. However I feel like I do see moments of a little understanding from him.  I think I’ll call it vague recognition, like when you know but you really don’t want to know. If you never acknowledge it then it can never be real.  He doesn’t want it to be that he grew up in this type of family. Who would? But not acknowledging it is catching up with him, and that is what he meant when he said “It’s not always all about you”. At least that’s what I think because I see hints of recognition from him every now and then.

Maybe I am trying to read his mind.  I have to . He doesn’t share whats going on inside very well, if at all.  This is the life of a covert narcissist.  Wishing that everything is perfect (who doesn’t) but can’t accept that life is just not really that way. We are all human with flaws and imperfections.  I think one of the most appropriate descriptions of this is from Christopher Leasch in a book he wrote a long time ago about Narcissism (can’t remember exact title).  He describes a covert narcissist as someone who;

“Although perfectly capable of lighting candles, prefers cursing the darkness”

But people pretend (families pretend, sometimes for generations) and when it eventually catches up with some of them, they try to cast that away.  Which causes hurt , to them, their significant other and children, basically their immediate family.

I guess that’s where the saying “you only hurt the the ones you love” may have come from.

That’s what I believe he means by the “it’s not all about you” statement.  That he is recognizing that much of the strife between us, was not always about us.  It was about him.  And he knows that deep inside. Even if he refuses to outwardly admit that and accept it.Heck my family of origin was pretty screwed up as well – I admit it is the root of a lot of my own issues.  I don’t like it but I acknowledge.  I know I brought baggage from childhood into my family. I know that husband and I are the ones responsible for the problems that our kids deal with.  He does not like when I say that. I don’t either but you just got to own it to change anything, ever.

I am glad to say that not all betrayeds are dealing with a narcissistic spouse.  Many may not even know or have come in contact with this type of person. If you have, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t tell, you were on the outside, looking in and weren’t privy to such behavior.  It is not uncommon for this type of spouse  (narcissistic) to go on undetected by others for a long time.  One of my good friends (who knows of my husband’s affair and is very supportive of me) even said to me recently,  “I believe you, but I just don’t see it”.

It made me realize that there may be others who cannot see it, for what it is-COVERT ABUSE!  The link below is an excellent website about understanding Narcissism written by Michael Samsel MA, LMHC. The specific article titled Narcissism as ‘Difficult behavior’  explains it so well   If you don’t have time (right now) to read the entire article (although I reccommend it )– PLEASE scroll down to the last paragraph or two that are specific to covert abuse.

It’s time for people to understand this about our society, in hopes of making changes so we educate young people on how to prevent this from happening.  We Must break the generational cycle somehow, someway.  It is destroying what are basically good people and their families. No one deserves the pain abuse causes. Sometimes, affairs can be a symptom of underlying abuse.  We need no reminders of how painful the discovery of an affair can be.  If you’ve been there you will know what I mean.

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How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.

 

Don’t struggle, remember it’s quiksand!

I hate this feeling of being stuck. Not in the manner that I am stuck in this relationship because I know I am not. I do possess the capability of leaving/divorcing my husband (the strength I occasionally question but not the option to do so) if I choose, just as he could at any time as well. But here’s the bigger meaning of “stuck” in relation to me at the moment, stuck as in unable to progress.

And I realize that part of the reason just may be that I approached this reconciliation all wrong, forgave him TOO soon, before I had even processed and dealt with any of the emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But then again who would blame me. When d-day happens and you think you now see the problem and try your best to deal with it, you have limited knowledge of what is really transpiring, so you do what you feel you must do to make through those awful agonizing days and weeks following discovery. Sometimes the choices are positive or good and others although thought of as a good choice may over time come to be not so wise choices. Pretty sure thats why they say make NO DECISIONS when your in the throes of initial trauma.

I’ve gone through this last year wondering why? Not why did this happen? No that’s not it at all. It’s “why did I forgive him so easily”? This man who has deceived me (most likely) our entire marriage. He is not well, physically, emotionally or spiritually. It may not be his fault, but it is his to possess as an adult. It is who he is, a man who had an upbringing that wounded his soul, who must now do anything and everything to make himself feel good, feel alive. It is sick and it made him personality disordered. But it is who he is even if I don’t think he realizes it. He has worked so hard all his life at keeping that mask on and making it look perfect that he no longer possess perspective of himself or his behavior.

If you listen to my words as a reader, I would think, “well sounds like you’ve answered your own question girl, just leave him, what’s the problem?”. And my answer to that would be my heart! Because despite being in an emotionally abusive marriage and discovering infidelity, I most likely you still love the man I married (hate him now as well but i think most understand what I mean). The man in front of me now is not the man I married. I know that now. I know that I only know a small bit about him but in spite of all that has happened I can’t quite throw in the towel. Call it Stockholm syndrome or whatever you wish I think most betrayed spouses don’t really want their marriage to end. Im no different. I’ve spent almost 23 years of my life beside this man- I just don’t stand up and walk out when the problems come to surface. So I try and He tries but I don’t think either one of us is giving what the other needs. I’m starting to see how that may never happen.

I’ve really been struggling these last couple of months first having the one year d-day milestone (not that the actual day bugged me just knowing how much time has passed). And secondly the lack of intimacy between us. I don’t mean sex in reference to intimacy as used here, more as I’ve never felt further from him than I do right at this moment. Oh don’t get me wrong, he knows how to do it, make it appear that we are more intimate together. We do things together, we have (almost weekly) a date night, he calls when he’s supposed to without fail, generally greet and hug and are pleasant to one another, we even have sex. But there is no closeness growing between us, as a matter of fact I would say the distance is increasing at least for me it is.

I think the biggest indicator for me is when I realized I no longer really desire to have sex with him. He’s just not turning me on at all. I don’t think I like him much anymore And I’m sure it comes from his lack of REALLY wanting a better marriage, nope he wants things just the way they were. I think that he likes the protection “a wife and family” bring him. He looks like the hard working upstanding man, everyone thinks wonders of him, and we are the perfect scapegoat for the lies and alibis that he uses to deceive them as well. Has to leave work because “my wife is real sick”. Can’t commit to an affair partner because of the “bitch wife at home”. Has no money to spend because his “kids suck him dry”. I can only imagine the things he has said about us through the years

He has improved his game somewhat so to speak, no longer carelessly leaves his receipts and the paper trail that was pretty easy to find before. So I don’t know if he’s just playing games or what but it’s time for the truth to come out. If what I recently have added up, pans out then the discussion is over anyway. I will not celebrate (falsely) a 20 year anniversary milestone with him. I have only a little over two months until that day. I can wait no longer I’ve decided to hire a private investigator. I have to ask my step-dad for the money. I’m nervous because i cant ask to borrow the money – i don’t know when i will ever be able to pay it back, so I’m hoping he will just help me. I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone but I’d rather be honest with him than deceive him into thinking I could pay him at a given time. So wish me luck i’m headed over there now.

I don’t want to feel stuck anymore, it’s like living in quiksand half -in, half -out of the real world. Stuck unable to move. I don’t want to feel stuck anymore.

Still hoping for the truth

As the first anniversary of d-day is just days away the past month has been difficult for me. You might have noticed that this funk has kept me from posting, I’ve been reading others blogs and making a few comments – so I’ve not been far away. I have grown fond of conversing with many other bloggers in the arena of infidelity. But my brain has been overloaded, my fault, with the thousands of hours of reading and researching on how to survive the worst test in any marriage. I’m finding it difficult to process anymore. Yet more things (details) continue to pop-up. Literally, I wasn’t searching and had a box fall of a shelf in garage to find some hidden paperwork. Does it ever end?

I’d like to tell you that this year of reading and sharing has provided me with all the answers. But I can’t. Yes I’ve gathered LOTS of information on a wide spectrum of topics related to surviving, healing, creating intimacy, narcissism and personality disorders, and infidelity etc. Yet despite all of this knowledge, I feel I’m no closer to knowing what decision to make than I was a year ago. Yes in many ways my relationship has improved. Superficially it looks like we are doing the right thing to save our marriage. But it still feels off, not quite right or real. My husband being narcissistic doesn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me. It’s very frustrating trying to move past all of it while still feeling like I don’t know the truth.

To better understand some of my husband’s thoughts I actually began to read some blogs by the cheating spouses. I found that they allow me to see inside the minds of those who have cheated. Many who have cheated appear to be genuine in their remorse (or at least know its wrong) and ended the affair. Despite having an affair they know they made a huge mistake , and honor their commitments by doing the right thing. Yet they still talk about their triggers and lingering thoughts of their AP (both wanted and unwanted). Some speak of feeling alone and lost and missing their AP very much. Then there are the ones that basically brag about their affair/s, give explicit details and even sharing tips about how to get away with it. Those I find upsetting, as I think of their poor partners who has yet to have their D-day.

Some days it can still be too much to take. Am I any better off after a year this and my obsessesive info gathering? Maybe. Am I any closer to knowing if I will stay or end my marriage? No I am not. Am I now addicted information overload? Possibly so. As much as I’d like to put it all in the past, forgive and move forward, eventually trust again I still feel stuck, and hyper sensitive about anything to do with him and the affair. The fact is that many men (and women) who have formed an emotional bond don’t want to end the affair, and don’t want to end the marriage either. The go further underground with it and continue for many years working the triangle of infidelity. This of course worries me greatly. Especially since I witnessed him going through the withdrawal of ending it, deep depression that followed and the onset of extreme anxiety, panic attacks and vertigo. Which affected him for a couple of months then poof all of a sudden gone without any real work on his part to make these side effects go away. I believe this is when they resumed contact. But I have no proof.

Spending more time together, going places, doing things like grocery shopping and household chores has brought us closer. But I don’t feel our intimacy is improving. We don’t talk about dreams or goals or needs or personal changes to move us forward. We talk about superficial stuff without addressing that “elephant” in the room or I should say how to make sure the elephant doesn’t come back. We hold hands, kiss, and even make love frequently. But it’s a strange feeling like he knows what he supposed to do and does it but it’s not genuine, sometimes feels forced. Maybe knowing about narcissism has made me more aware of this, because a N only loves himself and that this is as much as he can offer me. Maybe it’s been like this all along I just didn’t notice. Or maybe because he hasn’t addressed his personal issues that he is stuck as well. I could understand that, if he’d share any of his feelings with me. Because I want to feel passion, intimacy in my life with him. I want for him to (once in a while) have him walk in from work and take me in his arms and be glad that we are here together. I realize after 20 years it’s not going to be like the “honeymoon” period, but I don’t think it has to be so milk toast boring either.

I want him to do special little things to show his love. Simple things, like oh, saving the last bit of coffee creamer for me because he knows how much I like my coffee that way. A little card, just because, something other than what is expected. I want him to take his time when we make love, fulfill each others needs and savour the beauty of knowing each others bodies completely. Not to hurry just to get that “cum” done. Quickies are fine too, but I want more pleasure than just an orgasm, I want to do it the garage or kitchen or car on the side of the road and feel the naughty-ness of possibly being discovered. Anywhere but the bedroom truthfully. For him to stage an evening around me and my desires without being coached. When I tried the role fantasy thing he said I was trying too hard. What husband says that! I know he has it in him because he used to be like this or maybe It’s been off all along and I was so starry eyed I just didn’t notice.

Maybe he’s doing the best that he can struggling with all this mid-life crisis stuff, my discovery of the affair, unacknowledged narcissism and everything that’s happened between us through the years. Or maybe he’s doing the right thing because he knows that it is right. Yet yearns and thinks of her often. Wishing to be in the fog of an affair so he can continue to deny the reality of our lives. I really don’t know- don’t know a damn thing about where his thoughts, his heart, his dreams are. Or if I can even trust him to not betray me again. I have forgiven for the past, trying to focus on the here and now, as well as the future. All I do know is I won’t be so forgiving If I find out he has been deceiving me all along. If that happens there will be HELL to pay. And the bill will be huge. I guess time will tell.

Oops – don’t wanna stand on the soap box

I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.

When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.

http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/?s=long+spoon&searchsubmit=Find+>>2012/01/18/a-spoon-too-long-on-being-a-sex-addict-in-a-sexless-marriage/#comments
http://www.onlypartlyerotic.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/its-hard-to-be-polite-sometimes/

Dear Bi,

I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.

From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:

“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.

For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:

“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.

PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:

“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”

Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.

When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;

She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.

You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.

“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.

The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.

To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.

You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.

https://chely5150.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/no-visible-scars/

My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.

So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?

Respectfully still reading your blog,

chely5150

p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).

Labels

Labels……
We put them on bottles…..We put them on boxes…..We put them on files…..We put them on lots of things…..Even people…..They can be flattering, or hurtful, or insulting or a compliment. In relation to people, a label is a word/s that describes someones behavior or actions. (chely’s definition)

Labels. Many times they are used to group individuals into a specific category (positive or negative) and describe them in that same manner. Sometimes the label is accurate, sometimes not. Either way, I still don’t really like using them for people, why? I’ve been labeled before and it has not been pleasant, not positive at all, actually hurtful, down right cruel. So is it fair for me to label my husband? I’ve labeled him several different ways since the conception of this blog. I thought I was getting it right.

However, my unending passion for reading has given me conflicting information as to the meaning of said labels. I have no doubt that he is not without issues. Who doesn’t? But it’s become confusing which term is appropriate. And I’m worried at the same time because I can see some of my own behavior fit into some of those descriptions as well. Not the same behaviors as his but still in the disordered arena (think more like co-dependency). I know how it feels to be labeled unfairly. Don’t like it at all. So I must ask myself, “what makes me qualified to label him….. unless, actually 20+ years of living it, can make one an expert. In that case, qualifications met.

It’s not the label itself but the differing descriptions of these behaviors, under the same label They are many personality disordered Labels. There’s different classes(A,B,C) and then categories as well; (PD=personality disorder) Anti-social PD, passive-agressive PD, bi-polar PD, narcissistic PD, sociopath, psychopath, avoident PD, borderline PD, histronic PD, co-dependancy (and many sub and crossover categories too). It’s mind boggling and become a bit blurred as to which label is appropriate.. While there are many different types of disorder and behaviors, there is one “trick up their sleeve” that is used by all types (various ways) to implement their control and that is mind games.

THEY PLAY MIND GAMES…..STUPID, TWISTED, WHAT THE FUCK FOR MIND GAMES!

The DSM-IV defines mind games as: conscious one-upmanship – “In intimate relationships, mind games can be used to under mine one partners belief in the validity of their own perceptions. Personal experience may be denied and driven from memory and such abusive mind games extend to the denial of the victim’s reality, social undermining and the trivialization of what is felt to be important. Both sexes have equal opportunities for verbal coercion, which may be carried out unconsciously as a result of the need to maintain one’s own self deception”.

Whew! I get shaky just typing the description. When you read it, like that, OMG it really hits home. Conscious one-upmanship- it’s unbelievable that he can be that self-centered and really not realize what is going on. Why should he? This is normal to him, he grew up in it, lived it his whole life. When his parents look happy and like they have it all, why wouldn’t he want to repeat that success? Listen for the key phrase, “look happy”. I do acknowledge that it has not all been bad, there has been much good and love all along. That is what adds to the hurt in some ways because it can be so good, it doesn’t HAVE to be this way. It is was it is and I know I can’t change the past, that would be foolish. This legacy has most likely been handed down for a long time.. How do I know ? I’ve seen the look on his Mother’s face before; the one I recognized instantly;

you stop, suck in your breath, and hold it, then twist it closed and swallow it whole and then the look on her face.

Most would not even see it unless you have lived it yourself. This life of covert emotional abuse. Think of it like a child’s see-saw (or teeter-totter) at the park. The highs and the lows as it moves up and down. It won’t stop, you don’t want to ride anymore, you feel sick to your stomach but can’t get off because it won’t STOP! So you hold on for dear life.

I am not un-guilty of crimes against my marriage. I have done things myself that were not in the best interest of us (not infidelity). I can be unkind with the best of them. So while I’m still here, in this marriage I’ll be doing my everything in my power, not to change him but to make him understand . I don’t want to label him, I don’t want our old marriage back -no, no, no! I just won’t tolerate the crap anymore! I’ve been trying to change what I can, how I react. I think I’ve gotten better (not perfect just better) at controlling my emotions, less outbursts and defensiveness. I don’t have to accept his opinion as my own and I let him know it respectfully. I want us to find a NEW marriage, one that is healthier for us both.

I do remember the strong, caring, loving women inside me and he may as well. She got buried, but is digging her way out. So difficult to know what to do? If HE is even in the painting of my future. Heart tells me one thing, head another. Never sure what tomorrow will bring. What I do know is, I shouldn’t be putting labels on him so freely, I know how much it hurts. Maybe we DO belong together. Two disordered people just getting by the best way our twisted youth will allow. I don’t know. I just think, that I better think before I label. We all should. Do you agree?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Passive+Aggressive

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wicked-deeds/2014/how-to-tell-sociopath

http://www.healthguideinfo.com/personality-disorders/p910741

Maybe it’s time

The clock is ticking…. tick-toc, tick-toc….clicking away each day….each day a little closer….a little closer to the worst….the worst and maybe best day of my life. The clock is ticking towards D-DAY. The day I discovered that my husband was having an affair. OMG! I think other than loosing a child, the most horrific personal injury one can ever imagine to them is to discover your husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair! For close to 11 months now i’ve had the never ending ticket on this nauseating ride. I also have come to recognize it as a blessing, somewhat.

At first I thought the blessing was that he didn’t just dump me, as too many women/men have said they experienced when they learned of their spouses affair. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, after all it was just one simple affair, he was staying, and said we could work on our issues and make it better. I was grateful to not have been forced out of my home and life immediately. We could do this I knew we could. But as the months passed by, while we appeared to be getting along better, (we were), that was just the cover-up, so he didn’t have to let on to the world, that we are in a hell of a mess, keep those appearances up,it’s okay, it’s all fine, no worries here.

And so we did. I asked him about attending counseling, “nope, no thanks not for us”. How about a cd workshop/program? “why would we listen to other peoples opinions about us?”, I think you get the picture. It’ll all be fine, if I just do my best: to love, adore, appreciate, and worship him. (Then wait on him hand and foot then pick -up all of his messes when he done with something (project, meal, paperwork, his pack rat ways, etc.) And go with everything he says, never disagree or think I could have my OWN opinion. And be ready for sex- but only when he might want it.That was his solution. I asked where his ideas came from? What book or website? Simply replied, He asked a friend at work how we could get along better. The response he received was just to be nicer to each other and spend more time together. Weel it’s just a simple affair right? Maybe it’ll work. Sure it will as long as I play properly.

So I decide that I will forgive him and we’d move forward. Since there was to be no counseling I started reading lots of things on the internet, A LOT OF THINGS. Hours and hours and days & months of reading how to make my marriage survive, marriage after an affair, anything that had to do with me, him, relationships, infidelity, as well as narcissism in relationships. And I got some great ideas, thought I can do this, (even though anything dealing with personality disorders, narcissism or passive-agressive stated otherwise). I was different, I can make it better, he’ll be glad he stayed with me. So I tried, used the best suggestions and while we did get along better-the writing was on the wall, but someone used invisible ink.

I looked for the things, that most information recommended, would be happening, Remorse, shame, a wanting to right things, etc. as well as signs that he had ended the affair. And while he had left her a voice message the morning of discovery (he let me listen), after a short time I’m pretty sure it resumed. Truthfully none of the other signs were present either- made me wonder. There’s got to be more to it than the brief explanation he gave me all I had done wrong and his feeble apology. There’s something more happening here.

I did feel I was losing my mind again, no counseling, no talking about it or how I was feeling, it was all about him. All about how he is the victim here and basically I needed to make it up to him that I neglected him causing him to seek another. And I somewhat foolishly tried, but there’s more to it than just the dust on the surface of this old story, so much more.

My last post I decided to write about emotional abuse. I had read an article on the physical abuse a woman had suffered through and I found her story couragous. I decided to write about the abuse I knew first hand.. Covert Emotional Abuse…also known as a relationship with a passive-agressive person.

A relationship with a personality disorderded, passive-agressive, cheating, lying, narcissist, oh so clever abuser There you have it- I admit it.

I acknowledge it I am married to an abuser. And I have been living it for 20 + yeaqrs. I was glad to be married to him he’s a good catch I thought. See I was trying to have a loving, caring relationship/marriage. The problem was I was the only one participating in it. It’s my one-way love story. I guess I have writing to thank for the eye-opener that I got. Writing and reading and time. Eleven months to slowly peel the layers back on the onion that he is. I always hated onions! Slowly, I’ve come to realize that his words are simply words, there is no action attached to them. Nothing that comes from his heart (if he even really has one). Nothing that indicated he was sorry, and wanted to right the wrong and make it all better… after all he was my “Knight in shining armour”- right? Wrong- he’s a knight alright. (I’m going BIG here) But not in the way you think… you see our last name, HIS last name is Knight. (Now you see why I had to name this blog this way. Seemed so appropriate- except his armour is not only tarnished he has become the knight who fell off his horse.

Yep reading and writing and crying and wondering why he didn’t care that he hurt my heart. Yep, it’s about time…the clock is ticking………..

………….tick-toc……….tick-toc……..it’s just about time!