How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.



Don’t struggle, remember it’s quiksand!

I hate this feeling of being stuck. Not in the manner that I am stuck in this relationship because I know I am not. I do possess the capability of leaving/divorcing my husband (the strength I occasionally question but not the option to do so) if I choose, just as he could at any time as well. But here’s the bigger meaning of “stuck” in relation to me at the moment, stuck as in unable to progress.

And I realize that part of the reason just may be that I approached this reconciliation all wrong, forgave him TOO soon, before I had even processed and dealt with any of the emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But then again who would blame me. When d-day happens and you think you now see the problem and try your best to deal with it, you have limited knowledge of what is really transpiring, so you do what you feel you must do to make through those awful agonizing days and weeks following discovery. Sometimes the choices are positive or good and others although thought of as a good choice may over time come to be not so wise choices. Pretty sure thats why they say make NO DECISIONS when your in the throes of initial trauma.

I’ve gone through this last year wondering why? Not why did this happen? No that’s not it at all. It’s “why did I forgive him so easily”? This man who has deceived me (most likely) our entire marriage. He is not well, physically, emotionally or spiritually. It may not be his fault, but it is his to possess as an adult. It is who he is, a man who had an upbringing that wounded his soul, who must now do anything and everything to make himself feel good, feel alive. It is sick and it made him personality disordered. But it is who he is even if I don’t think he realizes it. He has worked so hard all his life at keeping that mask on and making it look perfect that he no longer possess perspective of himself or his behavior.

If you listen to my words as a reader, I would think, “well sounds like you’ve answered your own question girl, just leave him, what’s the problem?”. And my answer to that would be my heart! Because despite being in an emotionally abusive marriage and discovering infidelity, I most likely you still love the man I married (hate him now as well but i think most understand what I mean). The man in front of me now is not the man I married. I know that now. I know that I only know a small bit about him but in spite of all that has happened I can’t quite throw in the towel. Call it Stockholm syndrome or whatever you wish I think most betrayed spouses don’t really want their marriage to end. Im no different. I’ve spent almost 23 years of my life beside this man- I just don’t stand up and walk out when the problems come to surface. So I try and He tries but I don’t think either one of us is giving what the other needs. I’m starting to see how that may never happen.

I’ve really been struggling these last couple of months first having the one year d-day milestone (not that the actual day bugged me just knowing how much time has passed). And secondly the lack of intimacy between us. I don’t mean sex in reference to intimacy as used here, more as I’ve never felt further from him than I do right at this moment. Oh don’t get me wrong, he knows how to do it, make it appear that we are more intimate together. We do things together, we have (almost weekly) a date night, he calls when he’s supposed to without fail, generally greet and hug and are pleasant to one another, we even have sex. But there is no closeness growing between us, as a matter of fact I would say the distance is increasing at least for me it is.

I think the biggest indicator for me is when I realized I no longer really desire to have sex with him. He’s just not turning me on at all. I don’t think I like him much anymore And I’m sure it comes from his lack of REALLY wanting a better marriage, nope he wants things just the way they were. I think that he likes the protection “a wife and family” bring him. He looks like the hard working upstanding man, everyone thinks wonders of him, and we are the perfect scapegoat for the lies and alibis that he uses to deceive them as well. Has to leave work because “my wife is real sick”. Can’t commit to an affair partner because of the “bitch wife at home”. Has no money to spend because his “kids suck him dry”. I can only imagine the things he has said about us through the years

He has improved his game somewhat so to speak, no longer carelessly leaves his receipts and the paper trail that was pretty easy to find before. So I don’t know if he’s just playing games or what but it’s time for the truth to come out. If what I recently have added up, pans out then the discussion is over anyway. I will not celebrate (falsely) a 20 year anniversary milestone with him. I have only a little over two months until that day. I can wait no longer I’ve decided to hire a private investigator. I have to ask my step-dad for the money. I’m nervous because i cant ask to borrow the money – i don’t know when i will ever be able to pay it back, so I’m hoping he will just help me. I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone but I’d rather be honest with him than deceive him into thinking I could pay him at a given time. So wish me luck i’m headed over there now.

I don’t want to feel stuck anymore, it’s like living in quiksand half -in, half -out of the real world. Stuck unable to move. I don’t want to feel stuck anymore.

Still hoping for the truth

As the first anniversary of d-day is just days away the past month has been difficult for me. You might have noticed that this funk has kept me from posting, I’ve been reading others blogs and making a few comments – so I’ve not been far away. I have grown fond of conversing with many other bloggers in the arena of infidelity. But my brain has been overloaded, my fault, with the thousands of hours of reading and researching on how to survive the worst test in any marriage. I’m finding it difficult to process anymore. Yet more things (details) continue to pop-up. Literally, I wasn’t searching and had a box fall of a shelf in garage to find some hidden paperwork. Does it ever end?

I’d like to tell you that this year of reading and sharing has provided me with all the answers. But I can’t. Yes I’ve gathered LOTS of information on a wide spectrum of topics related to surviving, healing, creating intimacy, narcissism and personality disorders, and infidelity etc. Yet despite all of this knowledge, I feel I’m no closer to knowing what decision to make than I was a year ago. Yes in many ways my relationship has improved. Superficially it looks like we are doing the right thing to save our marriage. But it still feels off, not quite right or real. My husband being narcissistic doesn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me. It’s very frustrating trying to move past all of it while still feeling like I don’t know the truth.

To better understand some of my husband’s thoughts I actually began to read some blogs by the cheating spouses. I found that they allow me to see inside the minds of those who have cheated. Many who have cheated appear to be genuine in their remorse (or at least know its wrong) and ended the affair. Despite having an affair they know they made a huge mistake , and honor their commitments by doing the right thing. Yet they still talk about their triggers and lingering thoughts of their AP (both wanted and unwanted). Some speak of feeling alone and lost and missing their AP very much. Then there are the ones that basically brag about their affair/s, give explicit details and even sharing tips about how to get away with it. Those I find upsetting, as I think of their poor partners who has yet to have their D-day.

Some days it can still be too much to take. Am I any better off after a year this and my obsessesive info gathering? Maybe. Am I any closer to knowing if I will stay or end my marriage? No I am not. Am I now addicted information overload? Possibly so. As much as I’d like to put it all in the past, forgive and move forward, eventually trust again I still feel stuck, and hyper sensitive about anything to do with him and the affair. The fact is that many men (and women) who have formed an emotional bond don’t want to end the affair, and don’t want to end the marriage either. The go further underground with it and continue for many years working the triangle of infidelity. This of course worries me greatly. Especially since I witnessed him going through the withdrawal of ending it, deep depression that followed and the onset of extreme anxiety, panic attacks and vertigo. Which affected him for a couple of months then poof all of a sudden gone without any real work on his part to make these side effects go away. I believe this is when they resumed contact. But I have no proof.

Spending more time together, going places, doing things like grocery shopping and household chores has brought us closer. But I don’t feel our intimacy is improving. We don’t talk about dreams or goals or needs or personal changes to move us forward. We talk about superficial stuff without addressing that “elephant” in the room or I should say how to make sure the elephant doesn’t come back. We hold hands, kiss, and even make love frequently. But it’s a strange feeling like he knows what he supposed to do and does it but it’s not genuine, sometimes feels forced. Maybe knowing about narcissism has made me more aware of this, because a N only loves himself and that this is as much as he can offer me. Maybe it’s been like this all along I just didn’t notice. Or maybe because he hasn’t addressed his personal issues that he is stuck as well. I could understand that, if he’d share any of his feelings with me. Because I want to feel passion, intimacy in my life with him. I want for him to (once in a while) have him walk in from work and take me in his arms and be glad that we are here together. I realize after 20 years it’s not going to be like the “honeymoon” period, but I don’t think it has to be so milk toast boring either.

I want him to do special little things to show his love. Simple things, like oh, saving the last bit of coffee creamer for me because he knows how much I like my coffee that way. A little card, just because, something other than what is expected. I want him to take his time when we make love, fulfill each others needs and savour the beauty of knowing each others bodies completely. Not to hurry just to get that “cum” done. Quickies are fine too, but I want more pleasure than just an orgasm, I want to do it the garage or kitchen or car on the side of the road and feel the naughty-ness of possibly being discovered. Anywhere but the bedroom truthfully. For him to stage an evening around me and my desires without being coached. When I tried the role fantasy thing he said I was trying too hard. What husband says that! I know he has it in him because he used to be like this or maybe It’s been off all along and I was so starry eyed I just didn’t notice.

Maybe he’s doing the best that he can struggling with all this mid-life crisis stuff, my discovery of the affair, unacknowledged narcissism and everything that’s happened between us through the years. Or maybe he’s doing the right thing because he knows that it is right. Yet yearns and thinks of her often. Wishing to be in the fog of an affair so he can continue to deny the reality of our lives. I really don’t know- don’t know a damn thing about where his thoughts, his heart, his dreams are. Or if I can even trust him to not betray me again. I have forgiven for the past, trying to focus on the here and now, as well as the future. All I do know is I won’t be so forgiving If I find out he has been deceiving me all along. If that happens there will be HELL to pay. And the bill will be huge. I guess time will tell.

Oops – don’t wanna stand on the soap box

I am writing this post in response to an author whose blog I recently commented on. I (generally) pride myself on being able to offer a differing opinion respectfully. Every person is entitled to their own opinion and I know that there are lots of different ones out there. I acknowledge that I didn’t do a very good job this time. He states that I was “high on my soap box and spewing misplaced anger”. It is true, the anger was misplaced, should of been directed to my husband, not at him, for that I apologize, that’s not my style. That aside, I still stand by my opinions and will do my best to not add misplaced anger to my comments this time around.

When I read the Blog “only partly erotic”, his words spoke to me as if they been spoken by my husband. My comments were offered because I could see the similarities and had hoped to possibly allow him to see things from a different perspective. The remainder of this post is in reply to his comments. You can see the entire conversation, from his original post, everything in between, to my reply here.>>>>2012/01/18/a-spoon-too-long-on-being-a-sex-addict-in-a-sexless-marriage/#comments

Dear Bi,

I acknowledge that you were on the receiving end of my misplaced anger. I accept that I went over the top by allowing anger to pepper my comments. For that I apologize. Despite the “snarky” remarks, surely you understand there are two sides to every story. What I attempted to share with you are some points from someone that lives the second side of the story. I will do a much better job in reply to your reply.

From your posts it appears one of your primary concerns in life is getting your sexual needs met. Since your wife was unable to fulfill these (even though you state that it started fine), you go outside your marriage to get “your fix”, without your wife knowing. By not giving Ashley the information that you seek sex outside of your marriage you are abusive to her. When I suggest that emotional abuse might be a reason that she chooses not to fulfill your needs, you adamantly state that this is not the case at all. You write in a previous post:

“But after we married she began to change. It was a gradual shift in behavior, keeping her body covered, respond less passionately to kiss, laugh at new suggestions in bed (more passionate than ever seen in a women) were ignored or out right rejected. No excuses just I don’t want to have sex. When asked why? the answer is always, don’t know, I just don’t want to”.

For something that started out “more passion than ever seen in a woman” and decreases for no “reasonable” explanation I suggest has the possibility of being from emotional abuse and to this you reply:

“Ashley’s own admission, her lack of sexual interest stemmed from three things 1) physical pain from having sex with me due to my girth 2) insecurity due to weight gain 3) lack of sexual experience sufficient to keep up with my own interests”.

PLUU-EASE! I read many of your posts and did not see that mentioned in any of them. What I do see are words written by someone who has a problem with his sexual desires, even though you do not classify yourself as a sex addict. You regularly go outside your marriage for sex yet don’t consider that abusive, only “scummy” behavior. You state:

“So as I have always done in previous relationships, I get “my fix” from other places.”

Your statement indicates to me that this situation has cropped up in your relationships before. Yet, as you say there’s no abuse. So let me get this straight; your a highly sexual person whose relationship partners start out compatible sexually yet seem to change and no longer wish to fill your needs. So they leave you no choice but to go outside your relationship for your needs to be met. Am I getting that right? I detect a pattern here.

When I note that going outside of one’s relationships regularly for sex is a description of someone who MIGHT BE a sex addict. You let me know that you don’t think of yourself as a sex addict at all (despite the title of your article) and love Ashley very much and wouldn’t want to hurt her and that she thinks you’re a wonderful husband. I imagine she might change her story if she knew the truth. Yet you write;

She’s “my reason for living and deserves all the happiness that this world can muster. Yet I betray her trust often enough that I’ve developed strong hatred of myself. I want more than anything to tell her the truth, to enlist her help in overcoming these urges I have, but that would mean destroying something beautiful, unique and precious. I can’t do that to her”.

You destroy her every day that you take away her choice, she has a right to know that the man she married seeks sex outside his marriage to fill his compulsions.

“I know one day I will be caught and everything I have and love so dearly will be taken away because of this weakness. But in that moment, tangled in sheets, I don’t think about risk, consequences or guilt”.

The description of someone who has a sexual addiction is “people who feel consumed by by their sexual urges, that it actively interferes in their personal relationships and work”. I’m not denying that you don’t have a right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, only that they should come from within your marriage, not outside, unless Ashley agrees. But you don’t give her that right. It doesn’t surprise me since you describe yourself as “selfish”, but not abusive. Seriously? No emotional abuse in your marriage? You think I’ve never told my husband that I thought he was wonderful during our marriage? I have and yet he is still covertly abusive. You hide the fact that you sleep with other women regularly and then can’t fathom how that MIGHT BE abusive to her. You are more concerned if your other sex partners sleep with another, than you are about what you hide from your wife. You choose not to acknowledge that any of this MIGHT BE abusive. I see it differently. I Respectfully disagree with you.

To respond to a couple of your other comments about me being upset that my husband is kind and caring to others but not me. Tells me that you really don’t understand what emotional abuse or narcissism is. How it is inflicted, and the circumstances involved in long term, exposure. It is very difficult to watch the one you love and care about treat others with care and respect yet invalidate, disregard or undermine everything you say, do or are. An abuser will never own up to their behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault.

You suggest that I put as much into my marriage as I do the anger in my comments. If you only really knew how much I have given to my marriage and my husband. And I do mean both good and bad. I have always owned up to the fact that I wasn’t always good to my marriage (not infidelity) after years of emotional abuse I did not want to give anymore to the relationship. Yet when I try to leave I cannot, he has this psychological hold over me –It’s so hard to explain so others understand it, but I speak the truth. There are numerous articles from trained professionals that I take my facts from (see my related links bar for a full list). Narcissism/emotional abuse changes you from the inside. It is abuse that leaves no visible scars. I have a post by the same title for a more in depth description.

My husband is a narcissist. (I really didn’t mean to immediately put you in that category only to see another side.) Yet I love him dearly and I despise him at the same time. After 20 years of trying to make this marriage better only to find out that he has been having sex with others for a long time only adds insult to injury. Especially since all I ever wanted to do was make him happy (and myself) as a partner who worked hard for her husband, up for anything sexually, go anywhere do anything that he requested yet he could not be respectful of me as a person. Oh sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you how much he loves me blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how he has treated me in the past- his actions never truly matched his words. In some ways he has improved as I no longer tolerate the bullshit from him.

So please dear erotic don’t judge me too harshly as I am willing to see that I was standing on the “soap box” previously. My words contain no pepper this time (well, very little). Simply my thoughts on what I see/hear from your posts. And my opinion, which I’m entitled to, as you are yours, is I think we should agree to respectfully disagree. Hearing different opinions that’s what blogging is all about, right? That’s why I read yours to try to see things from a different point of view. I invite you to read mine as well. Let me close by saying, I hope Ashley doesn’t wake up in my shoes after 20 years, wondering how in the hell this happened to her. If you love her as you say, you would not deceive her, but that is your choice to make. No soap boxes for me, you?

Respectfully still reading your blog,


p.s. your probably right, I would possibly love your crazy sexual self, but I guess we’ll never know because I don’t cheat! (fantasize yes, never cheat).

Maybe it’s time

The clock is ticking…. tick-toc, tick-toc….clicking away each day….each day a little closer….a little closer to the worst….the worst and maybe best day of my life. The clock is ticking towards D-DAY. The day I discovered that my husband was having an affair. OMG! I think other than loosing a child, the most horrific personal injury one can ever imagine to them is to discover your husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair! For close to 11 months now i’ve had the never ending ticket on this nauseating ride. I also have come to recognize it as a blessing, somewhat.

At first I thought the blessing was that he didn’t just dump me, as too many women/men have said they experienced when they learned of their spouses affair. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, after all it was just one simple affair, he was staying, and said we could work on our issues and make it better. I was grateful to not have been forced out of my home and life immediately. We could do this I knew we could. But as the months passed by, while we appeared to be getting along better, (we were), that was just the cover-up, so he didn’t have to let on to the world, that we are in a hell of a mess, keep those appearances up,it’s okay, it’s all fine, no worries here.

And so we did. I asked him about attending counseling, “nope, no thanks not for us”. How about a cd workshop/program? “why would we listen to other peoples opinions about us?”, I think you get the picture. It’ll all be fine, if I just do my best: to love, adore, appreciate, and worship him. (Then wait on him hand and foot then pick -up all of his messes when he done with something (project, meal, paperwork, his pack rat ways, etc.) And go with everything he says, never disagree or think I could have my OWN opinion. And be ready for sex- but only when he might want it.That was his solution. I asked where his ideas came from? What book or website? Simply replied, He asked a friend at work how we could get along better. The response he received was just to be nicer to each other and spend more time together. Weel it’s just a simple affair right? Maybe it’ll work. Sure it will as long as I play properly.

So I decide that I will forgive him and we’d move forward. Since there was to be no counseling I started reading lots of things on the internet, A LOT OF THINGS. Hours and hours and days & months of reading how to make my marriage survive, marriage after an affair, anything that had to do with me, him, relationships, infidelity, as well as narcissism in relationships. And I got some great ideas, thought I can do this, (even though anything dealing with personality disorders, narcissism or passive-agressive stated otherwise). I was different, I can make it better, he’ll be glad he stayed with me. So I tried, used the best suggestions and while we did get along better-the writing was on the wall, but someone used invisible ink.

I looked for the things, that most information recommended, would be happening, Remorse, shame, a wanting to right things, etc. as well as signs that he had ended the affair. And while he had left her a voice message the morning of discovery (he let me listen), after a short time I’m pretty sure it resumed. Truthfully none of the other signs were present either- made me wonder. There’s got to be more to it than the brief explanation he gave me all I had done wrong and his feeble apology. There’s something more happening here.

I did feel I was losing my mind again, no counseling, no talking about it or how I was feeling, it was all about him. All about how he is the victim here and basically I needed to make it up to him that I neglected him causing him to seek another. And I somewhat foolishly tried, but there’s more to it than just the dust on the surface of this old story, so much more.

My last post I decided to write about emotional abuse. I had read an article on the physical abuse a woman had suffered through and I found her story couragous. I decided to write about the abuse I knew first hand.. Covert Emotional Abuse…also known as a relationship with a passive-agressive person.

A relationship with a personality disorderded, passive-agressive, cheating, lying, narcissist, oh so clever abuser There you have it- I admit it.

I acknowledge it I am married to an abuser. And I have been living it for 20 + yeaqrs. I was glad to be married to him he’s a good catch I thought. See I was trying to have a loving, caring relationship/marriage. The problem was I was the only one participating in it. It’s my one-way love story. I guess I have writing to thank for the eye-opener that I got. Writing and reading and time. Eleven months to slowly peel the layers back on the onion that he is. I always hated onions! Slowly, I’ve come to realize that his words are simply words, there is no action attached to them. Nothing that comes from his heart (if he even really has one). Nothing that indicated he was sorry, and wanted to right the wrong and make it all better… after all he was my “Knight in shining armour”- right? Wrong- he’s a knight alright. (I’m going BIG here) But not in the way you think… you see our last name, HIS last name is Knight. (Now you see why I had to name this blog this way. Seemed so appropriate- except his armour is not only tarnished he has become the knight who fell off his horse.

Yep reading and writing and crying and wondering why he didn’t care that he hurt my heart. Yep, it’s about time…the clock is ticking………..

………….tick-toc……….tick-toc……’s just about time!

Never say Never & Always!

FRS100827 FRS101492I feel like such a terrible blogger! Been too many days since my last post! However, I have a pretty good excuse; it was my anniversary (yep we’re still counting – 19 years). My husband and I went away for a 3-day weekend. We had a wonderful time (for the most part) but then again we ALWAYS did have a great time on vacation. He has NEVER disappointed in that category- oh that’s right it’s because he likes to enjoy himself on vacation, he works hard, he deserves it and I get to go because he doesn’t like to go alone, not because I deserve it too! It made me start to think about those two words NEVER AND ALWAYS

Two words; Two small words that can add so much defensiveness to any conversation. Think about it; does anyone really do anything always or never at all? Do they? I think not but just to sure i’m clear I must refresh myself with “true definitions” of these two unique words. So I grabbed my old, rather tattered, (the cover is almost non-existent), dictionary and started flipping though to find my two words. First there’s always; adv. 1. every time 2. forever 3. in any event or if necessary 4. continually. Then the word never adv. 1. not ever or at no time. 2. not at all or absolutely not. (Random House dictionary from 1978)

Rather interesting that these two simple words can convey so much when added to our conversations. Generally speaking when you start adding those words to the conversations you have with spouse or other loved ones, there is underlying meaning to what your TRYING to get across. Talks that included these devilish little words, come from a place of feeling unheard and that our needs aren’t being met, we want to feel good so we dump on our partners. These words are unproductive and create defensive attitudes in our conversations and generally just add fuel to a smoldering fire. If its like my house used to be, more like a yelling match (both trying to out do each other) than a conversation (still can be sometimes). So I thought i’d share with you my lists of never and always about husband AND myself. I would never pick on him with dishing some out for myself. It wasn’t too hard actually, kind of felt good to actually write down some of these deeply ingrained flaws I see in both of us. Fun, oh hell no! But anything that opens my eyes is good and writing is such good therapy.


ALWAYS extreme procrastinator: so disorganized can’t even SEE his mess, we haven’t filed our taxes on time in at least 7 years because he can’t find something and refuses to let me help.

ALWAYS a pessimist: he thinks his glass is half-empty, but throughout recession he never lost job, never lost our home, worried about how we going to eat, has more saved for retirement than a lot of others (yes we lost money in the stock market but who didn’t). Still took vacations- poor him!

ALWAYS demands unconditional respect: yet he is so self-centered he gives no respect to anyone of us, even when he knows he’s wrong then, it’s all our fault.

NEVER allows someone else to have/express their own opinion: Can you say control freak! But is so afraid of failure that he makes himself look pretty good on the outside but won’t try another way (someone else’s ideas) if his is not working.

NEVER makes me his #1 priority: Yes i’m in the top five (I hope), if I ever was #1 is was a short time very long ago. It’s all about him, his money, his car, his fishing trip, anything but me.

Never has shown his TRUE colors to the rest of the world!: Likes for others to think he is sooo wonderful, picking up the entire tab, going the extra mile for a friend or other (not immediate) family member while saving his special NARCISSISTIC WAYS for only those he truly loves – ME & THE BOYS! At least it’s only one of us at a time that he will focus on.


ALWAYS to quick to over-react & way too emotionally: Yes I know, i’m way too sensitive and defensive at the same time.

ALWAYS have had a loud voice & yell too much: My mom is a yeller so I guess I got that from her. Hey you never have to ask me to speak up!

ALWAYS too much of a caregiver/Mother to others: When I should’ve taken care of myself equally as much.

NEVER thought that he ever stopped loving me (even during his affair) Looks like I’m a malignant optimist.

NEVER fulfilled my career dreams: Currently working on it, I’m attending licensing program for Real Estate Agent.

NEVER could STOP the damage to our family from Narcissism, even though I KNEW BETTER way back then.

So there it is my NEVER/ALWAYS list! I definitely could of made BOTH of our lists a lot longer, but I didn’t want to get carried away since I’m trying to focus on the positive these days. Take a minute, stop and think how many times you’ve plastered your arguments (probably even thought you were communicating) with these two little words. Like a snow ball cascading down the hill it’s ALWAYS is going to pick up speed and it’s NEVER going to stop until it hits the bottom. Never let this happen to you, Always take a breathe and think before you speak!!

Quote of the day

“You ALWAYS talk the most about the one you will NEVER leave.” unknown


How do I get that dirty, rotten rat to quit running his race in my head? aka: forgiveness

QUICK NOTE:  Yesterdays’ post was accidently published as a page and I haven’t been able to switch it yet.  (Yes sometimes i’m a “bonehead”)  So if you’d like to read yesterdays’ post go to the page titled “I Blew It!” 


While writing the post “what to do when the floor…”,  I began to experience dreaded feelings, related of course, to my husbands’ affair.  It was like a movie that’s on a loop player, playing the same thing over and over and over-never stopping.  Those scenerios , pictures I created in my head, about my husbands’ affair.  AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!! Get out of my head!!  I had to take a step back, slow my brain down(i’m really loving this blogging thing), I didn’t want to get stuck in that loop again.  I thought I had filed it away; gone but not forgotten. I know what you’re thinking right now, “yeah right – how in the hell did you manage that?  Well let me back up a little …


Currently my husband and I are still together. The evening of D-day he returned home after work (I had texted him during the day requesting that he return so we could talk).  As we began to talk I asked if he wanted a divorce.  I figured I’d just throw that out there to see if that was truly what he wanted. While he answered some of my questions I’ve found that his answers were fairly typical by that I mean half truth/half lies (or what I call his version of the truth).  He explained how he hadn’t been happy for a long time and just needed a friend to talk to, that they were “JUST FRIENDS”. ( Oh how I despise those two words.)  I told that I had been unhappy too -the difference was I DIDN’T GO OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR!   He really didn’t think he was having one!  I needed answers, but mostly I needed to know if it was over.  We agreed that we both wanted to try and he would end it and never speak to her again. The first weeks, even first months I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it (certainly not all the way out of the woods yet).  It turns out the women he had been having affair with is someone he has known for a long time.  He worked with her many years ago, our family has even gone to BBQ or two at her house years ago.  She was nice enough, I always felt there was a little chemistry between them, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I DO believe men and women can be friends (and we had made our extra commitment). -just watch for that slippery slope (another post).  So we trudged on each day trying to be nice,  and I continued to read.  I began working on ME!  doing the things I knew that I had to do, whether we stayed together or not.  You know like get a job, get dressed everyday and clean house and cook way more than I had been.   I mean it was time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back in the real world and if at the end of it (what they call recovery period 1-2 years) if we’re still together, GREAT!  If not, I would not only survive but thrive (I prayed).  I needed this time because I was not ready to be on my own,  (and you know what they say; that best revenge it to LIVE WELL!).  And yes sometime to work on my marriage too!


Sometimes it feels unrealistic, to think that it is possible,  to NOT think of your partners affair.  The goal is to get to the point where the “thinking” of the affair isn’t an obsession, that the triggers don’t automatically bring all the painful emotions, back to the surface.  How I, was able to do this, is by learning as much information  about affairs as you can, so you are able to look at things with a different perspective -a filter of sorts.  For me, this allowed a rational understanding of the situation, to become stronger than my emotional reactions.  As you lessen the “emotional control”  the affair has on your life,  you can begin to feel some control of yourself and emotions. 


While my husband “said” that he wanted to work on our marriage It really felt like he was just going through the motions.  I mean he’s here with me but it was empty, like I had won the battle but not the war.  I didn’t understand it,  I was implementing some of the various strategies I had read about, was working on myself personally and doing the household things I had neglected, so why wasn’t it getting better.  One of the most crucial things I’ve learned is that my husband is a narcissist. And I am an inverted narcissist (co-dependant), and that many of the traditional suggestions simply don’t work with these types of people.  As a matter of fact, most websites that talk about relationships with a narcissist really don’t offer much advice, except to run – get away from that person, they will never change. The paradox of narcissim is that individuals can be both entertaining & exciting as well as aggressive & manipulative.  Everyone has some narcissim within them, in healthy measures this is ones’ confidence , self-suffciencey, and self-esteem.  But when someone has increased or extremely high levels, these qualities are escalated to unhealthy, even toxic types of behaviors such as; over inflated ego, vanity, entitlement, and exploitiveness (and more) exist at the other end of the spectrum.  -from article by Scott Barry Kaufman 2-5-2011

 Not good news for me, as I still loved my husband, my family, my life and damnit I was going to give up without a fight.  I knew I had to continue to search.  I found a website called, it was different, some of their ideas were unconvenential maybe even controversial.  All I knew was, that their descriptions, of the types of behaviors were dead on and they weren’t telling me to give up!  I felt that there was hope.  So I read everything about passive-aggressive relationships, depersonalization and narcissism that I could get me fingertips on especially the articles from narcisissim cured.  Basically what I learned is that the situation with someone who has these traits is that they are insecure individuals, frightened, of failure, abandonment, unfulfilled dreams and love all wrapped up in a false package for the world to see, and the thing they want the most they will push away.  Lifes’ blueprint for us exposes us to things that shape us as people, not always for the good.  So Kim Cooper of narcissism cured -who lived through and healed her narcissistic relationship- talks about how these types of personalities don’t open-up they feel very little outward remorse due to their life blueprint (my next new term-lol).   In a nutshell what most relationship/affair rescue sites listed as the number one thing that had to happen if the relationship was going to heal is remorse/transparency and that needed to happen BEFORE you offer any type of forgiveness.  This was the exact opposite of what Kim Cooper was suggesting.  That with this type of person you had to show them that your willing to give your trust EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT to get them to move forward with you.  You make the first gesture in forgiveness,  I think of it as offering the “olive branch” put forth by you to make them understand you, so they may begin to feel empathy.  WOW!  Could I do that? Could I really offer my forgiveness at this point, he sure as hell didn’t deserve it, but you know I had made some mistakes in the past (NOT AN AFFAIR-NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO THAT) mostly to do with money.  So maybe I owed our relationship this chance.  I decided  I would think about it as a possibility, everything else I was trying didn’t really make it better. We were like two strangers pretending that we were married.  And then it happened, I read something that made me think “what the hell I’ve got nothing to loose and everything to gain” Something totally different may be what it takes for you. I was talking with my one friend who knows about affair and she said to me “girl maybe you should act like a lady but think like a man”.  I kinda laughed and said ok how do I do that?  She explained that, that was the name of a book by the TV host Steve Harvey and that he had lots of ideas about relationships.  So I immediately went and googled it, and discovered there’s an excerpt from the book.  It’s actually a book of quotes by him, and as I read down the page there were so many good ones- I loved it and then I read the one that helped me make the decision of what I was going to do…      …. I was going to offer my forgiveness.  I was going to offer the “olive branch”.


                QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“Women can go over it again and again in their minds.- “I didn’t do this right”, “I wasn’t good enough”, “I didn’t love him the way I should of”, “She came in here and out performed me”-but the fact still remains he didn’t have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man’s actions- just do it for yourselves.  Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from preforming in your next encounter.  You simply cannot drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror”.     -Steve Harvey


Manana   Chely 5150