Do you know how to observe effectively?

So readers, Did you wonder how I handled this latest information about where he was?, what he was doing? and just who were you with? I did/do want answers. But truthfully, the answers to individual questions are not as important as the answer to the BIGGER one that hangs over my head.

After wrestling with confronting him for a day or to, I decided against actual questioning of him. I already know what the answer would sound like, excuses mixed with kernals of truth making it difficult to decipher fact from fiction. So what would I gain by the actual confrontation? What would I loose?

Gains: None. This is assuming that I’m not getting a straight answer, It would only serve to piss him off. That’s like two steps backwards.

Losses: There are many. The most significant to me are that he would realize that I utilize the tracking app and most likely deactivate it. And He certainly would make sure to dispose of all incriminating evidence in an obscure location BEFORE he arrives home. (The garbage can is an investigators’ best friend). Since he would be pissed off that I was questioning him, he would then most likely treat me with silence or distancing or contempt which moves further from the goal of saving my marriage. But the biggestthing I would loose is my ability to observe.

I would stand to loose the POWER OF OBSERVATION.

Since we have been getting along fairly well, I try to not bring up any suspicions I may have, individually they really amount to not much. I need to look at the bigger picture. So when everything seems good between us, he lets his guard down and I get observe his behavior, his words, his reasoning of things, his body language, and so much more. By keen observation, I am learning, I can uncover clues to reveal his intentions, desires, denial and reluctance type behaviors and more. Joe Navarro, retired FBI agent, states in his blog Spycatchers that “Our bodies will reflect what we think , fear, desire even intention”.

All behavior originates in the limbic system of our brains and is considered true indicator of ones feelings. Everything from the way the stand, shrug shoulders, facial movements, hand actions, even our skin can tell us things. This is a very fascinating website. It teaches about how to observe, what to look for and what certain behaviors indicate. Navarro goes on to state, “Being observant does not mean being obnoxious or intrusive. In fact a good observer knows that intrusive observations affect what is being observed, so it needs to be done with subtlety, as well as purpose”. Boy does that ever make sense to me. If I confront every time I gather a small piece of evidence I will loose my power to observe, subtletly.

NEVER CONFRONT WITHOUT CONCRETE EVIDENCE-IT WILL BACKFIRE!!

No single behavior, standing alone, is an indicator of deception. One must understand how to observe these various behaviors and link or group so as to garner the information needed to uncover if deception is still occurring. I think this information can be helpful in many areas of ones life, besides if your spouse is still cheating. Do you have suspicions of your own? Are your gut feelings talking to you? If they are you had better listen, as Mr. Navarro states, “the inner voice is really the limbic brain telling us to be careful something is wrong, something feels off, this is important to remember because how we feel about something often completes the picture, so we can fully understand”.

I want to understand the bigger picture of it all, not just is he still cheating. So I will wait on confrontation for now and continue my observation of his behaviors, making notes on my calendar (one just for this purpose) because he will slip up if he is guilty and if not that will be found out as well. Time and careful observation, along with remaining emotionally calm (not always easy for me) will find me the truth. I will be patient and look at my personal goals much more than I have been, as one kind reader commented on the previous post (and she is right) I have been too obsessed with Him and not enough in me. Sometimes when you know something, but still can’t drink it in, you just need to hear it from someone else. To slap me in the face so I come out of this daze.

Thank-you for the wake-up call. I needed that!

http://psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201107/intention-desire-denial-reluctance-behaviors

What do you think?

He must really think I’m stupid. Pretty damn stupid. I’m really not sure what he thinks or feels about me. If he feels anything at all about me I would hazard a guess it would be more like contempt and resentment. Most of the time he seems so overwhelmed by life. I think he regrets all of it. Marrying me, the kids all of it. I don’t think this is the life he dreamed of. But he doesn’t do a damn thing to change the outcome. Just complain about how everything is awful and hard in his life. Reality check buddy life is hard for ALL of us, not just you, your’re really not that special. He is a narcissist for sure. But yesterday (Oct. 8th) suspicious activity happening again. He went off grid, again.

Okay -confession time: the weekend that the paperwork fell out of a box in garage, he could tell something was up and I ended up showing him what I had found. And of course there was a plausible but believable explanation and we were supposedly gonna get to the bottom of it (which never materialized). At which point he said he was leaving and going to the store. I decided fuck this and I reactivated the gps tracking through our smartphones. That day he also gave me the passwords to his medical records and the online stuff for the phone bill (even though I do get a printed bill too). I had had enough of the total secrecy bullshit. You either start showing some accountability or I’m done.

He knows that I can track him, (only mentioned it once and I told him hey paid for a month) why not let me keep it on and it will show me that I have nothing to worry about, since there’s nothing to hide. He went with it and its been on ever since. I don’t check it every day (well almost). I know it seems wrong, but truthfully why not give me a little peace of mind if honesty and truthfulness is what he’s practicing.

Sorry, I haven’t really posted about that yet (if I ever will) so a little background I felt was required.

Anyway….

As I was saying, I decided to see where he was at, and results came back to a location, not far from work, but still not at work. Its hard to tell exact location especially inside of congested areas or inside big buildings. I also know he’s not stupid and probably realizes he could just leave his phone at the office and go run around and I wouldn’t be able to tell. But the location was one that has come up before. And it was reading a bullseye hit this time. It of course is right between two nice hotels, as well as a nice creekside biking path and picnic/nature area just across street. Then the phone cannot be located for 1.5 hours. Calls go straight to voice mail, call his desk-voicemail- I’m not real pleased to say the least. So I simply wait and then I finally call his desk again and he answers, (I needed to remind him to bring home the copies he had made for me (for Halloween open house/party we’re having) that he had forgot the day before). “Yep, okay, I almost forgot thanks for calling to remind him, I’m leaving now”. I then quickly hung up the phone. I know that he can forward a phone anywhere so just cuz it says desk-doesn’t mean that’s where he is.

So when I check his location again, it indicates he doesn’t leave for another hour. After learning my lesson about showing him what I know, I wasn’t going to bring it up (because I usually don’t want to accuse over every little thing that seems off) and by doing so it allows him to see how I can discover information allowing him just get better at hiding things .But I am ticked off and decided that I wasn’t cooking any dinner that night. When he arrived home I was in the backyard hanging up lights for upcoming party. I like to put up lights at night because you see them as they really will be seen that evening. He immediately starts picking an argument with me, “what are you doing?” it’s his favorite question of all. “What are you doing”. I hate when he asks that. “Don’t do it that way”, “why is this item here?”, “where is the whatever?” Stupid stuff to just pick a fight and I was like really! The man has balls I’ll give ya that.

But what he doesn’t realize is that I have the balls play book. The book about how he operates. It’s not one specific book. No, no, no. It’s simply about understanding about people and relationships and how, in many ways we are all broken. Some just more than others. It is an accumulation of knowledge about thinking and processing and choices and deficiencies that make us who we are now (with everything from birth to today influencing who we are from the inside out). And it is about observing. Observing their behavior, their words, their actions, to get a better understanding of him. My narcissistic cheater of a husband.

Another blogger BS recently mentioned about how her spouse didn’t really like her on the phone or computer all the time. My spouse -same. ” Why are you on that thing all the time?”, “what are you looking at?? or “who are you talking to?”. “Don’t believe all that nonsense that you, read that’s whats making you go nutsy”. No darling husband, it is not a bunch of non-sense. They have got you pegged down to a tee. Pretty much everything I’ve read about how someone cheating behaves has been oh so correct. And when a spouse picks a fight out of the blue, for no reason it’s an indicator that they’ve been up to no good. I refuse to speak to him when he acts like this, so I go about my business and he never speaks to me again that evening. As I go to bed I tell him (very calmly) that I do not appreciate if he has had a bad day (Ha) coming home and taking it out on me. It’s not acceptable.

Next morning I go to wake him and he is already up, in shower. He never wakes up by himself, but I’m not saying a thing. He gets coffee, quick kiss on the cheek and he’s out the door. I just and wonder if I will ever know the truth about any of this. I think move on girl so I just go about my day. Mid morning, as I am scooping dog poop, I go deposit it (one of his newer favorite beverages). I reach in to pick it up and it’s got something inside. Cigarette butts, like seven of them. What? Why would he have an alcoholic can with that many butts in it in his car, and then make an effort to dispose of it, did he think I wouldn’t see it just sitting there(since I’m the only one who takes out trash). I asked both sons if the can was theirs -nope not either one. I’ve found these cans before in his car trash, kinda upset he is drinking and driving. Lately he drinks WAY more than he used to. I know something is up, I can feel it.

So here’s where I need your help. Do you think I’m correct in my assumptions? Do you think I’m too focused on his behavior? Do think that by finding that can I came to the right conclusion? I’m so tired of being lied to. He says that I’m looking to catch him doing something wrong, and I suppose he’s right. I do not wish to be blind sided by his actions again. I will not stand silently and watch him destroy everything. And sorry but I still don’t trust him. Don’t have that safe feeling so many speak of.

Here’s where I need your help. Please give me your opinion. How would you react to this same type of discovery? Am I being unfair jumping to conclusions? I’m curious what you think about this.

I still don’t know what to be for Halloween. I’ve always loved that day. The one day you can (pretend) to be anyone you want to be. What I’d really like to go as is a wife who has never been cheated on, but that’s one costume I don’t have.

chely

Still hoping for the truth

As the first anniversary of d-day is just days away the past month has been difficult for me. You might have noticed that this funk has kept me from posting, I’ve been reading others blogs and making a few comments – so I’ve not been far away. I have grown fond of conversing with many other bloggers in the arena of infidelity. But my brain has been overloaded, my fault, with the thousands of hours of reading and researching on how to survive the worst test in any marriage. I’m finding it difficult to process anymore. Yet more things (details) continue to pop-up. Literally, I wasn’t searching and had a box fall of a shelf in garage to find some hidden paperwork. Does it ever end?

I’d like to tell you that this year of reading and sharing has provided me with all the answers. But I can’t. Yes I’ve gathered LOTS of information on a wide spectrum of topics related to surviving, healing, creating intimacy, narcissism and personality disorders, and infidelity etc. Yet despite all of this knowledge, I feel I’m no closer to knowing what decision to make than I was a year ago. Yes in many ways my relationship has improved. Superficially it looks like we are doing the right thing to save our marriage. But it still feels off, not quite right or real. My husband being narcissistic doesn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me. It’s very frustrating trying to move past all of it while still feeling like I don’t know the truth.

To better understand some of my husband’s thoughts I actually began to read some blogs by the cheating spouses. I found that they allow me to see inside the minds of those who have cheated. Many who have cheated appear to be genuine in their remorse (or at least know its wrong) and ended the affair. Despite having an affair they know they made a huge mistake , and honor their commitments by doing the right thing. Yet they still talk about their triggers and lingering thoughts of their AP (both wanted and unwanted). Some speak of feeling alone and lost and missing their AP very much. Then there are the ones that basically brag about their affair/s, give explicit details and even sharing tips about how to get away with it. Those I find upsetting, as I think of their poor partners who has yet to have their D-day.

Some days it can still be too much to take. Am I any better off after a year this and my obsessesive info gathering? Maybe. Am I any closer to knowing if I will stay or end my marriage? No I am not. Am I now addicted information overload? Possibly so. As much as I’d like to put it all in the past, forgive and move forward, eventually trust again I still feel stuck, and hyper sensitive about anything to do with him and the affair. The fact is that many men (and women) who have formed an emotional bond don’t want to end the affair, and don’t want to end the marriage either. The go further underground with it and continue for many years working the triangle of infidelity. This of course worries me greatly. Especially since I witnessed him going through the withdrawal of ending it, deep depression that followed and the onset of extreme anxiety, panic attacks and vertigo. Which affected him for a couple of months then poof all of a sudden gone without any real work on his part to make these side effects go away. I believe this is when they resumed contact. But I have no proof.

Spending more time together, going places, doing things like grocery shopping and household chores has brought us closer. But I don’t feel our intimacy is improving. We don’t talk about dreams or goals or needs or personal changes to move us forward. We talk about superficial stuff without addressing that “elephant” in the room or I should say how to make sure the elephant doesn’t come back. We hold hands, kiss, and even make love frequently. But it’s a strange feeling like he knows what he supposed to do and does it but it’s not genuine, sometimes feels forced. Maybe knowing about narcissism has made me more aware of this, because a N only loves himself and that this is as much as he can offer me. Maybe it’s been like this all along I just didn’t notice. Or maybe because he hasn’t addressed his personal issues that he is stuck as well. I could understand that, if he’d share any of his feelings with me. Because I want to feel passion, intimacy in my life with him. I want for him to (once in a while) have him walk in from work and take me in his arms and be glad that we are here together. I realize after 20 years it’s not going to be like the “honeymoon” period, but I don’t think it has to be so milk toast boring either.

I want him to do special little things to show his love. Simple things, like oh, saving the last bit of coffee creamer for me because he knows how much I like my coffee that way. A little card, just because, something other than what is expected. I want him to take his time when we make love, fulfill each others needs and savour the beauty of knowing each others bodies completely. Not to hurry just to get that “cum” done. Quickies are fine too, but I want more pleasure than just an orgasm, I want to do it the garage or kitchen or car on the side of the road and feel the naughty-ness of possibly being discovered. Anywhere but the bedroom truthfully. For him to stage an evening around me and my desires without being coached. When I tried the role fantasy thing he said I was trying too hard. What husband says that! I know he has it in him because he used to be like this or maybe It’s been off all along and I was so starry eyed I just didn’t notice.

Maybe he’s doing the best that he can struggling with all this mid-life crisis stuff, my discovery of the affair, unacknowledged narcissism and everything that’s happened between us through the years. Or maybe he’s doing the right thing because he knows that it is right. Yet yearns and thinks of her often. Wishing to be in the fog of an affair so he can continue to deny the reality of our lives. I really don’t know- don’t know a damn thing about where his thoughts, his heart, his dreams are. Or if I can even trust him to not betray me again. I have forgiven for the past, trying to focus on the here and now, as well as the future. All I do know is I won’t be so forgiving If I find out he has been deceiving me all along. If that happens there will be HELL to pay. And the bill will be huge. I guess time will tell.

Maybe it’s time

The clock is ticking…. tick-toc, tick-toc….clicking away each day….each day a little closer….a little closer to the worst….the worst and maybe best day of my life. The clock is ticking towards D-DAY. The day I discovered that my husband was having an affair. OMG! I think other than loosing a child, the most horrific personal injury one can ever imagine to them is to discover your husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair! For close to 11 months now i’ve had the never ending ticket on this nauseating ride. I also have come to recognize it as a blessing, somewhat.

At first I thought the blessing was that he didn’t just dump me, as too many women/men have said they experienced when they learned of their spouses affair. I thought I had a chance to save my marriage, after all it was just one simple affair, he was staying, and said we could work on our issues and make it better. I was grateful to not have been forced out of my home and life immediately. We could do this I knew we could. But as the months passed by, while we appeared to be getting along better, (we were), that was just the cover-up, so he didn’t have to let on to the world, that we are in a hell of a mess, keep those appearances up,it’s okay, it’s all fine, no worries here.

And so we did. I asked him about attending counseling, “nope, no thanks not for us”. How about a cd workshop/program? “why would we listen to other peoples opinions about us?”, I think you get the picture. It’ll all be fine, if I just do my best: to love, adore, appreciate, and worship him. (Then wait on him hand and foot then pick -up all of his messes when he done with something (project, meal, paperwork, his pack rat ways, etc.) And go with everything he says, never disagree or think I could have my OWN opinion. And be ready for sex- but only when he might want it.That was his solution. I asked where his ideas came from? What book or website? Simply replied, He asked a friend at work how we could get along better. The response he received was just to be nicer to each other and spend more time together. Weel it’s just a simple affair right? Maybe it’ll work. Sure it will as long as I play properly.

So I decide that I will forgive him and we’d move forward. Since there was to be no counseling I started reading lots of things on the internet, A LOT OF THINGS. Hours and hours and days & months of reading how to make my marriage survive, marriage after an affair, anything that had to do with me, him, relationships, infidelity, as well as narcissism in relationships. And I got some great ideas, thought I can do this, (even though anything dealing with personality disorders, narcissism or passive-agressive stated otherwise). I was different, I can make it better, he’ll be glad he stayed with me. So I tried, used the best suggestions and while we did get along better-the writing was on the wall, but someone used invisible ink.

I looked for the things, that most information recommended, would be happening, Remorse, shame, a wanting to right things, etc. as well as signs that he had ended the affair. And while he had left her a voice message the morning of discovery (he let me listen), after a short time I’m pretty sure it resumed. Truthfully none of the other signs were present either- made me wonder. There’s got to be more to it than the brief explanation he gave me all I had done wrong and his feeble apology. There’s something more happening here.

I did feel I was losing my mind again, no counseling, no talking about it or how I was feeling, it was all about him. All about how he is the victim here and basically I needed to make it up to him that I neglected him causing him to seek another. And I somewhat foolishly tried, but there’s more to it than just the dust on the surface of this old story, so much more.

My last post I decided to write about emotional abuse. I had read an article on the physical abuse a woman had suffered through and I found her story couragous. I decided to write about the abuse I knew first hand.. Covert Emotional Abuse…also known as a relationship with a passive-agressive person.

A relationship with a personality disorderded, passive-agressive, cheating, lying, narcissist, oh so clever abuser There you have it- I admit it.

I acknowledge it I am married to an abuser. And I have been living it for 20 + yeaqrs. I was glad to be married to him he’s a good catch I thought. See I was trying to have a loving, caring relationship/marriage. The problem was I was the only one participating in it. It’s my one-way love story. I guess I have writing to thank for the eye-opener that I got. Writing and reading and time. Eleven months to slowly peel the layers back on the onion that he is. I always hated onions! Slowly, I’ve come to realize that his words are simply words, there is no action attached to them. Nothing that comes from his heart (if he even really has one). Nothing that indicated he was sorry, and wanted to right the wrong and make it all better… after all he was my “Knight in shining armour”- right? Wrong- he’s a knight alright. (I’m going BIG here) But not in the way you think… you see our last name, HIS last name is Knight. (Now you see why I had to name this blog this way. Seemed so appropriate- except his armour is not only tarnished he has become the knight who fell off his horse.

Yep reading and writing and crying and wondering why he didn’t care that he hurt my heart. Yep, it’s about time…the clock is ticking………..

………….tick-toc……….tick-toc……..it’s just about time!

Let’s play pretend!! I’m a really good actress

Its kinda funny how tired I am lately. Not the kind of tired you get from a really hard day of physical exertion. But the kind that you get from inside when you are so tired of putting on that happy face for the world. I interact, converse with others, smile and act like everything’s okay in the world, MY world. I call it “pretend normal”. (I didn’t invent the term I read it somewhere, can’t find my notes on it so I apologize for not giving proper credit.)

Yes pretend normal is exactly how I feel.

I have only told just a couple of people (and only really talk about it to my one friend) about my life after his infidelity. Ten months has revealed so much that I now call this time “the enlightenment of my newreality” (not that I know “ALL” of anything. but the learning curve is real sharp in this club). When i’m in a social situation, I feel a bit funny when I reply to a “what cha up to?” Or “how’s things?”. I dont say what i’m really thinking. I simply answer with a vague, pleasant or “happy” response. I must be a pretty good actress! Because not a one would suspect that infidelity (and there is so much more to this sordid tale) has invaded my world, changing my life forever.

I’m going to use a phrase here and some of you readers will instantly jump to the wrong conclusion, but please read the entire statement before you get upset. I intend NO disrespect to or in any way to diminish anyone’s pain. So please bear with me so I may get my point understood.

If you have discovered infidelity in your relationship or marriage you have/are experiencing one of the most painful things to happen to an individual. Your marriage may or may not survive. But chances are, if your fortunate enough to have a simpler case of infidelity. (By that I mean a spouse who falls down the slippery slope once, for a short period of time, then, is honest when confronted or actually told you, is remorseful, has become transparent in their efforts to demonstrate sincerity, answers questions honestly and takes the necessary measures to make amends to you the betrayed. They do everything you ask, to help in your healing.) Then I say you should Thank the heavens above, the odds are in your favor of saving, repairing and possibly even improving your relationship/marriage. If, that’s what you choose to do.

If your spouse was an inconsiderate bitch/asshole and simply walked out- zip, nada, nothing -their gone. I am sorry that they took away your ability to choose what happens in your life after discovery of infidelity. Anyone who has had ANY infidelity or assault (emotional, physical, sexual, pornography & masturbation, financial, addictions, narcissism or type of path.) touch their lives, has experienced severe trauma.

If, as in my case, you have been dealt, what I just termed complex infidelity– infidelity with multiple types of problems, like I have then you have EXTRA TRAUMA ON TOP OF THE ORIGINAL TRAUMA! In my situation, time has revealed evidence of multiple partners, one long term affair, the possibilty of sex with same sex, sexual/erectile dysfunction, emotional abuse, possible sexual abuse, alcohol and sex addictions, financial deceit and lots and lots of lies. This is what time has bestowed upon me, as one year after d-day fast approaches. At the onset I thought I was dealing with simple infidelity, but that was not the case. Add all of this new information to my existing dysfunction of a marriage (I already knew that my spouse is a narcissistic, very stealth, emotionally abusive husband and father) and it’s pretty easy to see what my world has been like for the last 21 years.

When you heap all this on someone so unexpectedly, so suddenly- the world you know has changed forever. Not change in a normal way but in a I can’t breathe because my everything I thought I knew was chopped into little pieces and tossed into the wind. I’m getting so tired of chasing those pieces on the inside while I pretend that everything is normal on the outside, while i crumble inside from the “LOVE” that my husband has given me.

Anyone who has experienced ANY infidelity/abuse in their lives, my heart goes out to you!! It sucks to be on the receiving end of this nightmare. Complex infidelity nightmare times 10! I always knew I was special. Funny thing is, I know myself pretty well and being a co-dependant, narcissistic wife who suffers from APTSD, as much as I want to do the right thing –Dump his ass! I doubt that I can do it. I’m addicted to him and his evil, selfish ways and yes I love him- still. Pretend everythings normal…..so tired!

p.s. The unexpected positive thing in all of this, is the community of sister/fellow suffers who rally together to help on another survive (and thrive)
Thank-you to you all!-chely