So readers, Did you wonder how I handled this latest information about where he was?, what he was doing? and just who were you with? I did/do want answers. But truthfully, the answers to individual questions are not as important as the answer to the BIGGER one that hangs over my head.
After wrestling with confronting him for a day or to, I decided against actual questioning of him. I already know what the answer would sound like, excuses mixed with kernals of truth making it difficult to decipher fact from fiction. So what would I gain by the actual confrontation? What would I loose?
Gains: None. This is assuming that I’m not getting a straight answer, It would only serve to piss him off. That’s like two steps backwards.
Losses: There are many. The most significant to me are that he would realize that I utilize the tracking app and most likely deactivate it. And He certainly would make sure to dispose of all incriminating evidence in an obscure location BEFORE he arrives home. (The garbage can is an investigators’ best friend). Since he would be pissed off that I was questioning him, he would then most likely treat me with silence or distancing or contempt which moves further from the goal of saving my marriage. But the biggestthing I would loose is my ability to observe.
I would stand to loose the POWER OF OBSERVATION.
Since we have been getting along fairly well, I try to not bring up any suspicions I may have, individually they really amount to not much. I need to look at the bigger picture. So when everything seems good between us, he lets his guard down and I get observe his behavior, his words, his reasoning of things, his body language, and so much more. By keen observation, I am learning, I can uncover clues to reveal his intentions, desires, denial and reluctance type behaviors and more. Joe Navarro, retired FBI agent, states in his blog Spycatchers that “Our bodies will reflect what we think , fear, desire even intention”.
All behavior originates in the limbic system of our brains and is considered true indicator of ones feelings. Everything from the way the stand, shrug shoulders, facial movements, hand actions, even our skin can tell us things. This is a very fascinating website. It teaches about how to observe, what to look for and what certain behaviors indicate. Navarro goes on to state, “Being observant does not mean being obnoxious or intrusive. In fact a good observer knows that intrusive observations affect what is being observed, so it needs to be done with subtlety, as well as purpose”. Boy does that ever make sense to me. If I confront every time I gather a small piece of evidence I will loose my power to observe, subtletly.
NEVER CONFRONT WITHOUT CONCRETE EVIDENCE-IT WILL BACKFIRE!!
No single behavior, standing alone, is an indicator of deception. One must understand how to observe these various behaviors and link or group so as to garner the information needed to uncover if deception is still occurring. I think this information can be helpful in many areas of ones life, besides if your spouse is still cheating. Do you have suspicions of your own? Are your gut feelings talking to you? If they are you had better listen, as Mr. Navarro states, “the inner voice is really the limbic brain telling us to be careful something is wrong, something feels off, this is important to remember because how we feel about something often completes the picture, so we can fully understand”.
I want to understand the bigger picture of it all, not just is he still cheating. So I will wait on confrontation for now and continue my observation of his behaviors, making notes on my calendar (one just for this purpose) because he will slip up if he is guilty and if not that will be found out as well. Time and careful observation, along with remaining emotionally calm (not always easy for me) will find me the truth. I will be patient and look at my personal goals much more than I have been, as one kind reader commented on the previous post (and she is right) I have been too obsessed with Him and not enough in me. Sometimes when you know something, but still can’t drink it in, you just need to hear it from someone else. To slap me in the face so I come out of this daze.
Thank-you for the wake-up call. I needed that!
http://psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201107/intention-desire-denial-reluctance-behaviors
He's now my Knight in " NOT SO SHINING" armour 