What do you think?

He must really think I’m stupid. Pretty damn stupid. I’m really not sure what he thinks or feels about me. If he feels anything at all about me I would hazard a guess it would be more like contempt and resentment. Most of the time he seems so overwhelmed by life. I think he regrets all of it. Marrying me, the kids all of it. I don’t think this is the life he dreamed of. But he doesn’t do a damn thing to change the outcome. Just complain about how everything is awful and hard in his life. Reality check buddy life is hard for ALL of us, not just you, your’re really not that special. He is a narcissist for sure. But yesterday (Oct. 8th) suspicious activity happening again. He went off grid, again.

Okay -confession time: the weekend that the paperwork fell out of a box in garage, he could tell something was up and I ended up showing him what I had found. And of course there was a plausible but believable explanation and we were supposedly gonna get to the bottom of it (which never materialized). At which point he said he was leaving and going to the store. I decided fuck this and I reactivated the gps tracking through our smartphones. That day he also gave me the passwords to his medical records and the online stuff for the phone bill (even though I do get a printed bill too). I had had enough of the total secrecy bullshit. You either start showing some accountability or I’m done.

He knows that I can track him, (only mentioned it once and I told him hey paid for a month) why not let me keep it on and it will show me that I have nothing to worry about, since there’s nothing to hide. He went with it and its been on ever since. I don’t check it every day (well almost). I know it seems wrong, but truthfully why not give me a little peace of mind if honesty and truthfulness is what he’s practicing.

Sorry, I haven’t really posted about that yet (if I ever will) so a little background I felt was required.

Anyway….

As I was saying, I decided to see where he was at, and results came back to a location, not far from work, but still not at work. Its hard to tell exact location especially inside of congested areas or inside big buildings. I also know he’s not stupid and probably realizes he could just leave his phone at the office and go run around and I wouldn’t be able to tell. But the location was one that has come up before. And it was reading a bullseye hit this time. It of course is right between two nice hotels, as well as a nice creekside biking path and picnic/nature area just across street. Then the phone cannot be located for 1.5 hours. Calls go straight to voice mail, call his desk-voicemail- I’m not real pleased to say the least. So I simply wait and then I finally call his desk again and he answers, (I needed to remind him to bring home the copies he had made for me (for Halloween open house/party we’re having) that he had forgot the day before). “Yep, okay, I almost forgot thanks for calling to remind him, I’m leaving now”. I then quickly hung up the phone. I know that he can forward a phone anywhere so just cuz it says desk-doesn’t mean that’s where he is.

So when I check his location again, it indicates he doesn’t leave for another hour. After learning my lesson about showing him what I know, I wasn’t going to bring it up (because I usually don’t want to accuse over every little thing that seems off) and by doing so it allows him to see how I can discover information allowing him just get better at hiding things .But I am ticked off and decided that I wasn’t cooking any dinner that night. When he arrived home I was in the backyard hanging up lights for upcoming party. I like to put up lights at night because you see them as they really will be seen that evening. He immediately starts picking an argument with me, “what are you doing?” it’s his favorite question of all. “What are you doing”. I hate when he asks that. “Don’t do it that way”, “why is this item here?”, “where is the whatever?” Stupid stuff to just pick a fight and I was like really! The man has balls I’ll give ya that.

But what he doesn’t realize is that I have the balls play book. The book about how he operates. It’s not one specific book. No, no, no. It’s simply about understanding about people and relationships and how, in many ways we are all broken. Some just more than others. It is an accumulation of knowledge about thinking and processing and choices and deficiencies that make us who we are now (with everything from birth to today influencing who we are from the inside out). And it is about observing. Observing their behavior, their words, their actions, to get a better understanding of him. My narcissistic cheater of a husband.

Another blogger BS recently mentioned about how her spouse didn’t really like her on the phone or computer all the time. My spouse -same. ” Why are you on that thing all the time?”, “what are you looking at?? or “who are you talking to?”. “Don’t believe all that nonsense that you, read that’s whats making you go nutsy”. No darling husband, it is not a bunch of non-sense. They have got you pegged down to a tee. Pretty much everything I’ve read about how someone cheating behaves has been oh so correct. And when a spouse picks a fight out of the blue, for no reason it’s an indicator that they’ve been up to no good. I refuse to speak to him when he acts like this, so I go about my business and he never speaks to me again that evening. As I go to bed I tell him (very calmly) that I do not appreciate if he has had a bad day (Ha) coming home and taking it out on me. It’s not acceptable.

Next morning I go to wake him and he is already up, in shower. He never wakes up by himself, but I’m not saying a thing. He gets coffee, quick kiss on the cheek and he’s out the door. I just and wonder if I will ever know the truth about any of this. I think move on girl so I just go about my day. Mid morning, as I am scooping dog poop, I go deposit it (one of his newer favorite beverages). I reach in to pick it up and it’s got something inside. Cigarette butts, like seven of them. What? Why would he have an alcoholic can with that many butts in it in his car, and then make an effort to dispose of it, did he think I wouldn’t see it just sitting there(since I’m the only one who takes out trash). I asked both sons if the can was theirs -nope not either one. I’ve found these cans before in his car trash, kinda upset he is drinking and driving. Lately he drinks WAY more than he used to. I know something is up, I can feel it.

So here’s where I need your help. Do you think I’m correct in my assumptions? Do you think I’m too focused on his behavior? Do think that by finding that can I came to the right conclusion? I’m so tired of being lied to. He says that I’m looking to catch him doing something wrong, and I suppose he’s right. I do not wish to be blind sided by his actions again. I will not stand silently and watch him destroy everything. And sorry but I still don’t trust him. Don’t have that safe feeling so many speak of.

Here’s where I need your help. Please give me your opinion. How would you react to this same type of discovery? Am I being unfair jumping to conclusions? I’m curious what you think about this.

I still don’t know what to be for Halloween. I’ve always loved that day. The one day you can (pretend) to be anyone you want to be. What I’d really like to go as is a wife who has never been cheated on, but that’s one costume I don’t have.

chely

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10 thoughts on “What do you think?

  1. spring says:

    Hi, this is your only post I have read.
    My father used to use the divert call thing. It wold be directed to our home so that my mum had to stay indoor all the time and she could not socialise or go out or do anything for herself. He would call to check at regular intervals if there were any important calls. While the whole time he was BUSY with WORK.

    I understand where you are coming from because I have seen these traits way too many times.
    Your intuition/gut is always right. Always trust it.

    How to deal with this kind of scenario – first you have to decide what is important to you. What is good for you and your mental and physical health.

    And remember that your relationship with yourself is more important than any other relationship.

    Now, from what you have written about trying to get the truth, it seems to be taking over your life.

    May be, you could start something new for yourself and not involve him in it. Do things that help you grow or learn new things, socialize without him and don’t be answerable to him.
    Once you put the focus on you, it will become easier and will draw his attention to you.
    By trying to follow him and check on him, you might just push him away completely and since we don’t know what he is up to, guessing too much will just take a toll on you.
    So, focus on yourself, don’t give his misdoings so much attention and be a little mysterious that he has to start guessing about whats going on with you.
    Be alert but don’t check on him too much. If your relationship was important to him, he would have tried to work it. He is thinking about himself right now.
    Change your priorities and how you do a few things.

    It always help to shift your focus rather than give them all you have.
    I hope this works for you. all the best.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      First, let me thank -you for reading and responding to my post. I think that you have given me sound, honest advice. Things that one knows yet somehow can’t seem to do. Sometimes it takes hearing it, from someone who can say it in a straight forward, non judgmental way (as you did here) to get me to open my eyes. Thank-you I know I need to shift where my life’s focus is. Your thoughts are appreciated!

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    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks spring for your honest comments. I know that you are right. I probably knew this all along just couldn’t seem to digest it. Having the rug yanked out from underneath you really distorts a girls thinking process. Being a co-dependant doesn’t help much either. I think I just needed someone else to tell me-give me a wake-up call and I can;t thank-you enough for taking the time to do this for me!

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  2. Nephila says:

    You asked for opinions, I think it is unlikely to have an innocent explanation even if he isn’t actively cheating. Whether or not he’s cheating he’s obviously not doing much to make you feel safe. I would list the events which have, in order, built this picture and the evidence you have. Then you have to decide if you’re willing to break up over this or if you want to go the “so what do you have to say?” approach. When I found the phone records after he said he had broken it off I just showed him and asked him to leave. It wasn’t a gamble, I felt I had no choice. I figured it was over. What happened was he threw her under a huge bus and bent over backwards to prove himself the next 3 years. But it could have gone the other way. So you need to know what you’re willing to do before you say anything.

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    • chely5150 says:

      So true! Hi Nephelia, They say, never talk about a consequence that you aren’t willing to follow through on or you’ll loose what power you do hold. It’s so tough not being able to approach him about these concerns but I just don’t feel it’s right without solid proof. Through his work situation he could conceal so much from me that I have no way of finding out. Makes it hard to try to trust again because when we are together we get along, enjoy each other’s company. In many ways I do believe he is trying. I just don’t know if it’s to keep me passified. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts

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  3. Awww.. come on I replied to this and it didn’t show up.. šŸ˜¦
    I said that I prefer confrontation, but that’s just M and I.
    I don’t care if he will get better at hiding things why? because everyone is watching M now. Also M knows no matter whatever delusion he’s in he will get caught.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      Hello there! Sorry your first try didn’t make it through to me,. Thanks for taking the time to do it again.Yes having that support in your community would definitely be asset. Alas since I sti;; have not shared my situations with my family and friends I don’t have that to assist.They do seem to keep up the delusions, even after being caught. I just sometimes wonder if I focus too much on the negative aspects instead of focusing more on healing and the future. I probably know the answer sometimes just gotta hear it from someone else. It’s one frickn nightmare it’d be nice to wake up from. You hangin there too- keep smiling cuz that’s just who we are.

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  4. I had an affair says:

    As you know, I am on the other side of your fence. However, given your situation, I would at least address with him. Maybe not details, or how you know, etc., but just state that you are concerned that you all had a deep discussion/argument, he left and then that you “felt uneasy” that he was really going to work, etc. Then, you can feed off his response. Does that make sense?

    I am sorry for your confusion and frustration.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      I think I understand what you mean. Ask the question in a vague, roundabout way? And absolutely feed off his response, not individually but as in patterns that emerge that show behavior not just one action. If I’m not understanding what you mean please feel free to clarify for me. Thanks for your kind closing. I appreciate you taking time to share with me.

      Like

      • I had an affair says:

        Yes, exactly (sorry for the long delay on this response). Let me know how it goes, please. šŸ™‚

        Best of luck!

        Like

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