It’s that feeling, that sick, nauseating feeling deep in the pit of your stomach.  Sometimes known as that “gut feeling”.  I feel it every Monday morning.  Every Monday morning when he leaves for his other life.  Over the pass, snaking his way through the streets sometimes because he HATES sitting in traffic.  He leaves to spend the day doing whatever he does.  Work, yes I’m sure he works some of the time-still employed.  I don’t think he would ever jeopardize that but then again I’ve come to realize I really don’t know him.  (sounds so funny after being with someone 22 years).

 

And hence that feeling that takes over,  terrible, won’t let go of you, queasy stomach, that “gut feeling”.  Many monikers have been used to describe this phenomenom; a feeling, a  hunch,  women’s intuition, ah yes INTUITION!

intuition- 1. direct perception of truth or fact, independent of any reasoning process  2. a keen & quick insight

So my interpretation of this is something you feel you know but don’t have any solid facts to prove or disprove the feeling your having about your particular situation.  In my case,  is my husband continuing to have affair/s?  Am I just paranoid? Overly concerned? Jealous?  I definitely am paranoid about it.  I so fear being made a fool of, of submitting to what would amount to out and out blatant in your face lies.  It does hurt to think of it. YUK that damn “gut feeling”! It turns out there are studies that are linking the bacteria in ones digestive tract to the types of emotions and responses one has (you know tests so far only in rats but hey they always have to start somewhere). They theorize that in the future they maybe able to help individuals with personality disorders by changes made to bacteria within one’s intestinal tract. I found this article extremely fascinating, (I love all that scientific stuff). http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/09/gut-feeling.aspx And so I sit and try to figure out if my gut is right. Independent of facts why do I continue to feel this way?  Should I listen to my gut?  Seems like there are strong proponents on both sides of this barbed wire fence. Sitting on top of this fence is pretty damned prickly!

 

When solid facts are not present to base certain feelings on your intuition kicks in.  Your brain is like a search engine, it takes a situation and searches for a match in your memory banks.  If there is no exact match it finds the best possible match. The brain is not stupid, and it considers not only your memory but is able to include circumstantial evidence. Then, when things just don’t add up, the brain sends a message to your mid-section and it begins to speak to you.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/2007-04/gut-almighty  

  In her book Not “Just Friends” Shirley P. Glass P.hd. states “Many affairs are discovered when intuition says that something is wrong and little things don’t add up”. 

So I guess the million $ question would be:  Should you trust that gut feeling?   In an article by Laura Maquire “The art of decision making”, she states;  “Gut feelings are your truth, so to speak, related to how well your needs for acceptance and control of your own responses to life/freedom is being met, and they are in that way always reliable.”  http://www.philosophytalk.org/community/blog/laura-maguire/2013/12/gut-feelings?page=    I had never thought about it that way before, makes sense to me. I have felt purposely held back before and with the knowledge of previous affair/s,  I feel that it’s clear to see how I could have these suspicions.  

 One hears stories of gamblers who “just know” they’ll hit it big the next hand or spin of the wheel and then looses every last dollar they have.  As well as others who didn’t listen to their “gut feeling” and in the end find out they were right all along.  How does one know what to do?  It can be a very painful feeling, to have this type precognition and not be able to decide what to do?   Or is it just the green-eyed monster inside of me, wondering what women fill the “other” hours of his life.  I hate questions that you cannot work to find the answers to. 

What if I go with my gut feelings and it turns out they are incorrect?   What if it turns out I was correct all along?   From what I’ve read from the experts about a narcissistic spouse is that they NEVER change their ways unless it is their choice. .  But really,  is it accurate? To say that in 100% of the people 100% of the time that is what happens is unrealistic.  Doesn’t it seem that there could be a few individuals who do change their ways (or at least some of their behaviors)  unconsciously due to specfic circumstances ?   I believe that there are exceptions to every rule.  It is that undefinable grey area that is my world, which I spoke of previously. 

 I guess that’s where I’ve parked my butt, the barbed wire world of grey.  Not knowing which way to turn, what to think, what to believe.  It’s like never, never land – you can’t get off the ride even though you feel kinda sick to your stomach.   

I guess in many ways this paragraph from the website http://www.dearpeggy.com kinda sums up WHY (even though things improve a little each day) I still feel this.

“most spouses “know in their gut” when their partner is lying about something like this, so they’re not likely to keep a hand on suspicions until/unless the spouse shows some understanding of the suspicious environment they’ve created by their actions and attitudes. Vivid pictures of the lasting impact of secrecy and deception, doubts and suspicions don’t go away with time, maybe underground but sure to resurface at some point”.

I should acknowledge that things ARE improving in my marriage. We spend way more time together, gardening, shopping, watching TV, playing dice, cooking, making plans for the future and oh YES- making love! Before too terribly long our boys will move out on their own (being 18 & 22-I do hope they’re not in our home forever- but the economy and all) and it will be just the two of us. I realize if we having nothing else but time and children holding us together then it could begin to crumble again. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to survive the affair to have that to happen. So I work on creating new connections in our life together. Every weekend we’ve dining on our patio (we have a great backyard) just the two of us, listening to the sound of the waterfall in the pond, sharing a bottle of wine, just being together. We talk (not about affair) or sometimes not, but we’re together, building a new future. That’s what I’m seeing as steps in the right direction. Sometimes on Mondays, I tell my gut to SHUT UP! Sometimes not.

And further down the road I travel, so many new things to learn along the way. Some days are great but on occasion I still need to lie down because I have one of those stomach aches. Mostly on Mondays. (First draft of this post was written on Monday).

Quote of the day:
“There are receptors to these molecules in your immuine system, in your gut and in your heart. So when you say ‘I have a gut feeling’, or ‘my heart is sad’, or ‘I’m bursting with joy’, your not speaking metaphorically. You’re speaking literally”. Deepak Chopra

SHUT UP! That nasty “gut feeling” that doesn’t want to go away

The definition of…

I have to admit that I’ve acquired a new obsession.  The definition of words. I know it sounds crazy but I have developed this need to know the “dictionary definition” or “real” as I call it, even though I know the meaning of many, many words. (consider myself fairly well read).  Yet it has become a real “have to” for me.  Important as a writer (yeah who am I kidding). Definitions are exact meanings, a part of the world that is so “black or white”. Truthfully that’s not me. I don’t live in the “black and white” world (for the most part).  I live in that middle dimension, in shades of grey. I believe that every one of life’s experiences are tempered by individual circumstances and personalities thus the world of grey, located in the middle between the black and white world. So it surprises me how obsessed I’ve become with this need to know. 

 

When I’m writing I feel a great deal of responsibility in the words that I type. (I wanted to say put pen to paper but it sounded too old fashion! lol)  It’s this new found devotion – my new love -dare I say!  I mean it’s become very important to me to get it right, using words to express my emotions.  Maybe because, how well I communicate has become something I’m more aware of. Effective communication has never been my strongest virtue, in my life, relationships, daily interactions and now my writing.  Not perfect -no, no I gave perfect up a long time ago!  Just more thought in the words that I choose. Hopefully improving my communications with others.  Especially my spouse.  I don’t want to say the wrong thing or more so have it interpreted incorrectly because I chose the wrong word. Especially when dealing with betrayal/infidelity and trying to save your marriage, it’s extra important.  It’s too easy, to get carried away when in a “discussion” (heated or not) trying to communicate what you feel to your partner. I have heard of one wrong tirade causing unreversrable damage. I do try to choose my words carefully. Not like walk on eggshells more a matter of keeping my power in our exchanges while not seeming too much like a bitch..

 

  I imagine there are many of you whose style of writing may be completely different than mine. Or very similar. I bet there’s just as many who write in the “shoot from the hip style” .  Or probably about a hundred different ways. Inquiring minds want to know. And so you may frequently see the “definition” of certain words in my blog.  I told you, it’s my newest obsession. What do you think?  How would you describe your “style” of writing (or photography or ?).  Do you put a lot of thought in prior to?  Or just sit down and let it flow?  Spelling/grammar is it important to you? Do you proofread & edit?

And definition what about the definition of …                                 Do tell!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less”.
Arundhati Roy

Bonehead update: ok so now i’m really getting screwed up – can’t figure and stupid pictures and now when I updated my widgets they disappeared on me! Oh my aching head – I shoulda took a #$%@ computer class!