A private investigator-answers once and for all???

I realized that I might not ever let it go until I knew if he was still in contact with her. I knew I couldn’t get the answer I needed from him.  What alternatives did I have? I’m certain many BS have had the thought of hiring a private investigator.  But I’ve never seen anything that indicates anyone on any of the blogs I follow actually had actually done so.

I had thought that hiring a private investigator would provide me those answers.  It really did not, although the PI seemed to think he was not still involved with her.  But how could he say that with the service he provided me. Besides if it is only an emotional affair- tracking really wouldn’t show that.

Let me explain.  Hired the PI in November.  He was to place a gps tracker on husband’s vehicle and then send  reports, to my Mom’s e-mail (didn’t want to take a chance he could see my e-mails).  I also had some other questions (did he purchase any property without my knowledge?  Does he have an child with another?  Hidden financials?) The amount I paid ($500.00) didn’t cover that but he said he would give me info on how to do that research myself. So I waited for the first report.

And I waited, and nothing, no report, no call.  Contacted him, says will send report.  (Had to ask three times). Finally something arrives Mom’s e-mail.  But it says file too large or something and I have to contact him again and ask to resend.  It arrives, print it out and then begin to deceipher.  The pages had to be matched and taped together just so I could read it. Very difficult to read, the times seemed off (he had not set it to pacific daylight time and I had to adjust all times by two hours.  It was somewhat confusing.  And after figuring it out it appeared it had not tracked after a certain date.  Why?

Finally get a hold of him and the battery had died over two weeks ago – no tracking.  WTF!  Oh he says he’ll get a new battery in asap.  Actually took about a week .  I stressed to him the urgency as I felt during the holidays would be a time he would be in contact with her, and since we were to be gone at the end of Dec.  There was only a little time that would actually track since we would be on vacation.

I waited again for the next report, nothing.  I contacted him- was to send -then nothing again.  Finally got a hold of him and he tells me gonna send report again.  I start to complain.  This is bullshit.   I wanted the next report NOW.  So I pleaded with him, PLEASE let me access the livewire site directly.  It would be January before we knew it and I had hoped to have answers BEFORE my anniversary at the end of Jan.  After a little back and forth he finally agreed and gave me the code so I could see reports on line.  This was much better.  It was live tracking and gave me access to much more information than just the print out.

There didn’t appear to be one place that he went regularly or that he had left work early and not told me.  But with less than two weeks of consecutive tracking, how could I be sure.  About the third week of January, I hadn’t checked report for about 10 days and when I went to assess, it again appeared that it had stopped tracking.  OMG are you #$%@* kidding me? Again? It was very easy to check the battery life on the livewire site- why was he not checking it? I could tell that he basically put charged tracker on but again never went back to check the battery life.  I was blown away.  Almost three months of his services and I still couldn’t get longer than a two week record (with much time unreported due to his negligence.)  REALLY NOT HAPPY. Attempt to get a hold of him, I continue to get the answering service leaving messages -no return call. I took the tracker off the car myself and was holding on to it until he would return my calls

I finally got irate with the service and said that if he didn’t contact me today all hell was going to break loose.  Oh yeah called me right back this time.  Apologized again, and was to put another charged tracker on (takes like a week).  So much for having answers before anniversary.

A couple of weeks into Feb.  he contacts me and tells me he needs to get tracker back.  Really?  You can’t even provide the service I paid for ( uninterrupted tracking or the extra information he had promised) and you want to end the tracking?

How professional was that? What kind of PI are you?  Then he gave me some cock’n’bull story about ordering a new one but needed to start this other client and would get a new one to me asap.  Well I think you can guess how that worked out.  Basically he blew me off.  AUUGGGGHHHHH!!

Finally I sent a letter expressing my total disappointment with his services, I felt he had not lived up to his obligation to me and my case was handled totally unprofessional.  I never heard from him.  I told my Mom that if she wanted to sue him it was up to her (her credit card was used).  But that I was done with him.  I reported to the BBB and will never recommend him ever.  As a matter of fact I would like to expose him as a rip-off.  But I haven’t yet.  I had needed a break after this two-year long nightmare that had become my life.   Was I back to square one?  Does this nightmare ever end?

P.S.  I’ve learned a lot on my own about effective surveillance and I will share those tips in another post.

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How many miles have you logged on your treadmill?

There may be a few of you who have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently.  It has to do with a brain that works overtime,   overtime that never reaches the end of the shift.  Like running on a treadmill, always moving, feels like forward but you just never get there. It can happen due to lots of different things I imagine.  For me it has been  learning trying to live again and cope with  life beyond the trauma of infidelity with a narcissistic husband.

Even after the conscious decision to let the obsession go, my mind refuses to stop.  I have read about those who NEVER move beyond the mind treadmill.  It is actually a symptom of a type of disorder.   OMG am I disordered?  Because I still find it difficult to empty  my mind of the persistent thoughts, they refuse to go away.  And while THIS life line, that I found some 22 months ago, (through writing this blog and the reading of others’) can be attributed with my surviving after his infidelity, it can also be like kryptonite.

The fuel that contributes to the never-ending cycle in my head. I found that if I get busy and don’t check in with blogs I follow,  my mind kinda moves on to other things.  But then I find a window and begin catching up, and  my brain jumps right back on that treadmill and I’m off and running again. When I try to not think about it, it makes think about it, and I try to not think about it, which makes me think even more.  I needed a break.  My brain needed a break.  It makes one realize that there can be positive and negative in everything we do. The proverbial two-edged sword.

So why then does my brain not let it go when I make this conscious decision ?    After 20 months and much improvement in our marriage why won’t it stop?  If I attempt to bring it up he gets upset, because I think he has no intention of ever answering those questions.  Maybe it’s all make believe.   There does come a point where if you can’t ever move past it,  it will begin to push your partner away.  If you’ve gotten the answers you needed, your spouse works with you towards healing, maybe you only have fleeting thoughts, not treadmill activity, then you’re moving forward.  But if you still have unanswered questions, you may be on a treadmill too.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together (doing things we enjoy and chores too) it’s just the way he can seem so detached. I mean he’s there, I can see him physically there in the same room, yet I can feel like i’m alone. WHY?? It is one of the hardest questions I have still have. Why can it still feel so disconnected, yet seem so good? Is he still thinking of her despite everything?

Much of the research indicates that a long-term emotional affair can be very difficult to detach from. Is he still stuck on her? How did he detach from her SO easily?  No matter how good it has been between us why can’t I believe him?  Why? Because it feels like he wishes he was somewhere else.  I mean how do we work on this marriage if it’s all superficial.  He doesn’t seem to want to tackle any of the deeper stuff we need to address. And I don’t mean affair I mean us issues. It’s all about keeping it the peace, keep it looking good from the outside.  Don’t get me wrong, he has made many changes. But  something is missing. I needed to know once and for all if he was still contacting her. Since my private investigator was pretty much worthless,  I made a very bold move in an attempt to know the truth, once and for all.