Its kinda funny how tired I am lately. Not the kind of tired you get from a really hard day of physical exertion. But the kind that you get from inside when you are so tired of putting on that happy face for the world. I interact, converse with others, smile and act like everything’s okay in the world, MY world. I call it “pretend normal”. (I didn’t invent the term I read it somewhere, can’t find my notes on it so I apologize for not giving proper credit.)
Yes pretend normal is exactly how I feel.
I have only told just a couple of people (and only really talk about it to my one friend) about my life after his infidelity. Ten months has revealed so much that I now call this time “the enlightenment of my newreality” (not that I know “ALL” of anything. but the learning curve is real sharp in this club). When i’m in a social situation, I feel a bit funny when I reply to a “what cha up to?” Or “how’s things?”. I dont say what i’m really thinking. I simply answer with a vague, pleasant or “happy” response. I must be a pretty good actress! Because not a one would suspect that infidelity (and there is so much more to this sordid tale) has invaded my world, changing my life forever.
I’m going to use a phrase here and some of you readers will instantly jump to the wrong conclusion, but please read the entire statement before you get upset. I intend NO disrespect to or in any way to diminish anyone’s pain. So please bear with me so I may get my point understood.
If you have discovered infidelity in your relationship or marriage you have/are experiencing one of the most painful things to happen to an individual. Your marriage may or may not survive. But chances are, if your fortunate enough to have a simpler case of infidelity. (By that I mean a spouse who falls down the slippery slope once, for a short period of time, then, is honest when confronted or actually told you, is remorseful, has become transparent in their efforts to demonstrate sincerity, answers questions honestly and takes the necessary measures to make amends to you the betrayed. They do everything you ask, to help in your healing.) Then I say you should Thank the heavens above, the odds are in your favor of saving, repairing and possibly even improving your relationship/marriage. If, that’s what you choose to do.
If your spouse was an inconsiderate bitch/asshole and simply walked out- zip, nada, nothing -their gone. I am sorry that they took away your ability to choose what happens in your life after discovery of infidelity. Anyone who has had ANY infidelity or assault (emotional, physical, sexual, pornography & masturbation, financial, addictions, narcissism or type of path.) touch their lives, has experienced severe trauma.
If, as in my case, you have been dealt, what I just termed complex infidelity– infidelity with multiple types of problems, like I have then you have EXTRA TRAUMA ON TOP OF THE ORIGINAL TRAUMA! In my situation, time has revealed evidence of multiple partners, one long term affair, the possibilty of sex with same sex, sexual/erectile dysfunction, emotional abuse, possible sexual abuse, alcohol and sex addictions, financial deceit and lots and lots of lies. This is what time has bestowed upon me, as one year after d-day fast approaches. At the onset I thought I was dealing with simple infidelity, but that was not the case. Add all of this new information to my existing dysfunction of a marriage (I already knew that my spouse is a narcissistic, very stealth, emotionally abusive husband and father) and it’s pretty easy to see what my world has been like for the last 21 years.
When you heap all this on someone so unexpectedly, so suddenly- the world you know has changed forever. Not change in a normal way but in a I can’t breathe because my everything I thought I knew was chopped into little pieces and tossed into the wind. I’m getting so tired of chasing those pieces on the inside while I pretend that everything is normal on the outside, while i crumble inside from the “LOVE” that my husband has given me.
Anyone who has experienced ANY infidelity/abuse in their lives, my heart goes out to you!! It sucks to be on the receiving end of this nightmare. Complex infidelity nightmare times 10! I always knew I was special. Funny thing is, I know myself pretty well and being a co-dependant, narcissistic wife who suffers from APTSD, as much as I want to do the right thing –Dump his ass! I doubt that I can do it. I’m addicted to him and his evil, selfish ways and yes I love him- still. Pretend everythings normal…..so tired!
p.s. The unexpected positive thing in all of this, is the community of sister/fellow suffers who rally together to help on another survive (and thrive)
Thank-you to you all!-chely