Are you color blind?? What color do you see??

Are you wearing those stupid glasses that changes the color of everything around you??

Are you??

I was for a very long time….so long I have a permanent indention from them.

Everyone who is in the position to be exposed to this filter needs to recognize that those glasses actually cause blindness.

No two pairs of glasses allow the same view, so we must absorb and watch for our own exposure.

Glasses now removed.  What color do you see??

***As my due date approached, he asked me if I had the baby pretty soon would I mind if he went on the annual houseboat trip without him.  (Not if he wants  me to be here when he gets back).

***As I realized I don’t think his jokes are funny.(Sarcastic,rude, demeaning comments are not funny-even if he’s just kidding).

***When he would ask me a question and in the middle of my answer simply walk away. (Then ignore me as I attempt to bring him back into conversation).

***When I was not allowed to use his tools to fix something minor, because that’s for men to do.  (Yet  would never fix it and put down my attempt at doing it). I have my own tools now.

***When any idea or suggestion that I had would be ignored completely as he knows  “the right way” to do everything.  (Even though my idea was the best solution to the problem).

***When not allowed to have any stuff lying around even if right in the middle of a project, must look like the cover of Good housekeeping magazine at all times.  (Yet leaves his crap everywhere but explains that’s different).

***When doing anything (cleaning, cooking, yard work, caring for kids) not doing things “the right way”. And must be instructed on the correct way to do it.   (Even though end result would be the same or even better).

***When I realized that the kids and I were not supposed to go do anything fun if he were working because he wanted to do it too.  (Never mind a bunch of Moms and kids were going in summer while schools out-but not us).

***When I realized my requests for a certain action (in the bedroom) would not be fulfilled no matter how many times I would ask.  (If it doesn’t turn him on then it’s not happening).

***When I realized he had tricked me into signing a quit claim deed when refinancing, so to hurry and get a great rate and would be changed after re-fi completed. (We never got that great rate and he has yet to put my name on the house).

***If kids and I were watching something on TV, when he wanted to watch, simply walks over changes channel and proclaims it’s his TV.  (Can’t wait til end of show so we can see the end).

***Bust my ass all day long.  But when he walks in looks around, rolls his eyes and can only see what wasn’t done.  (Never all the things that had been completed).

***For not greeting him properly when he arrives home from work.  Never mind i’ve got dinner cooking, finishing homework and dealing with 1000 things.  (I should drop everything and run to praise him for working so hard all day long when I do not).

***No matter how much thought or money I spent on gifts for him.  He would mostly never use them.  (if it was from me had to be crap, even though he as a $300. tablet just sitting there untouched).

***When he would never call me during the day just to talk to me and show he thinks of me.  (Even though I may text him little flirty things, maybe even provocative picture and would be completely ignored or answered in one word statements.  Yet I see how wordy he can be with others he interacts with).

***When everything concerning my disappointing behavior is to be addressed. (Yet I am not allowed to mention anything that he could improve upon).

***When he took three days off to decide what color to paint his truck.  (But would never take a day off just to spend with me).

***When after he injured himself, being stupid, I hurry to the store for bandages etc., spend my last dollars on them.  To return and stand there waiting to bandage him but he was watching TV and never would even acknowledge my presence by saying- “just a minute I want to hear this”.  (I put it all away and then he admonish me for not caring that he was hurt ).

***That the BIG presents at Christmas couldn’t be from Santa. (Because he wanted the kids to know who spent the money on them).

***That he would control all the money because I wasn’t good at it.  (Never mind that he never paid child support for his daughter then got socked with $$50,000 in back child support and when didn’t keep up on payments had his wages attached).  OKAY BIG RED FLAG!!

***Because I had no access, I ask him for money for something, because I have to ask.  (And he keeps forgetting, for days to bring any home for me for me or won’t give what’s in his wallet because that’s all he has on him- but he can get more at any ATM).

***When I realized that you didn’t have my back when it seemed the world was against me.  (Oh the picture he would paint to anyone who would listen about my problems and how crazy and awful I am).

***When he would agree on all of us going on a bike ride during weekend.  (Then make us wait until the latest possible moment on Sunday when it’s starting to get dark, no wants to go anymore yet have to do this so he looks like a great husband and father with all the things he does with us).

***When it became obvious that he cares more about what strangers/acquaintances think or feel. (Much more important than my opinion).

***When he made absolutely no effort to help me heal after the discovery of his affair.  (Just get over it, it’s over trust me).

No friends I have had those damn glasses on for the last 20 years.

While I  was wearing them I could not see the color red that was screaming at me.

Nope I could only see the color white,and you know what a white flag means??

It means  surrender.

Which is exactly what I did.

Prescription for color blindness.

Remove glasses to see reality.

Everyone’s flags are different, but the prescription is the same.

Oh and my glasses have been stomped on and thrown away.


a little

There’s always;

a little truth

behind every

“just kidding”

a little knowledge

behind every

“I don’t know”

a little emotion

behind every

“I don’t care”


a little pain

behind every

“I’m okay”

from a pin by Laura Beckman on Pinterest

E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-M-E-N-T 101

I hope and pray that this is the last

last one ever have to write on the subject.

mere fact that I’m a human being,

makes it highly unlikely

that I will ever happen.

Knowing myself

I have had to open wide,

wide enough to allow,

insertion of  one of my size nines

i’ll travel this path again

mortification 101

Yes it is the awful,

awful screw up

As a blogger,

it’s extremely embarrassing

I imagine

it is one of the most grevous errors one could make .

To receive a blogging nomination,

and thank (and post) to my nominator

only to realize

after the fact

that I had thanked

the wrong person!!!

Yes dear followers

I have egg on my face


I feel covered from head to toe.

So it is with much EMBARRASSMENT

that I must own up to my mistake,

beg for forgiveness

and thank the my nominator properly.

So I offer







to my nomInator

for the Leibster Award ,


She is a young woman,

who grew up in Africa,

in a family with dysfunction

specifically a narcissistic mother,

or Mum as she would say.

her writing speaks of daily struggles

growing up in such an environment

I found her blog as I struggle

to help my own adult children

deal with the legacy handed down

generation to generation


She states she is no expert

has no formal training in

personality disorders and

their behaviors.

But I feel her writing speaks volumes

of what growing up with narcissism

in one’s family can be like.

First hand experience,

the need to understand and

years of exposure can make

anyone an unwilling expert.

I applaud her for speaking up against

family situations and domestic violence.

It doesn’t always manifest as most think.

So I ask you to assist me

in my plea for forgiveness

and go and check out

her blog and tell her chely sent you.

The story of a relationship with a narcissist: I Am Not Special by Hope

An Upturned Soul

I am not special.

When I was a child, the message from my parents was clear: Take care of yourself. We don’t want to do it. You are not special. And so I became an adult very early in life, full of determination to be self-sufficient and self-determined.

At forty-five, a disordered person took an interest in me. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, at the least. Diagnosed, I believe. Malignant narcissist? Sociopath? Possibly. She admitted that she had no conscience, was sadistic, and had a penchant for the chase. Either way, the terms are blurry and it doesn’t really matter.

We will meet the disordered. That’s unavoidable. Estimates of those without conscience and empathy range from 1 in 100 (Checkley) to 1 in 25 (Stout). And if you get close to one, you will suffer. These are relationships of inevitable harm.

This morning, I woke up with an analogy on my mind…

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