He Loves me, He Loves me not, He Loves me…….

Remember back to when you in school, probably middle school (grades 6, 7, or 8 where I went)  when you had your first crush on a boy in your class (ok these first references are from a girls point of view only- I don’t know what boys that age did when they had a crush).  You wondered if he LIKED you.  When you looked over and saw him staring your direction did it mean he was thinking romantic thoughts of you?  Or was he just zoning out?  So during recess break you are sitting with a couple of girlfriends talking about, what else- BOYS, and your friend asks Do you love him? – Do you like him? Do you think he likes you? and maybe 1000 or so other questions young girls ask one another. Not far from where you sit, growing in the grass, is a patch of white daisies. You lean over and pluck one by the stem, twirling it between your fingers.  One by one you begin, plucking the petals from the unsuspecting flower; you begin to sing  “he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not”  and so it continues til the very last petal is removed and with that you determine the fate of your first “love”.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if it was that simple!!


What got me started on this was I was thinking about when husband kisses me and how it feels.  I instantly start singing “the shoop, shoop song ” from the movie “Mermaids” starring (one of my favorites) Cher.  The chorus goes something like this:

                                                  “is it in eyes? oh no,  that’s not the way”

                                     “is it in his arms? oh no, you’re not listening to all I say”

                                       “if you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss”

                                                        “that’s where it is, oh yeah!” 


I love this movie it’s about a single mom struggling to raise two daughters, find herself and love, but runs away whenever someone gets too close.  It’s about being honest with oneself, as well as others and learning to be as concerned about another’s happiness as well as and above your own.  Trusting enough to take a leap of faith instead of running at the first sign of intimate relationships. 


Anyway I was sitting and thinking and wondering to myself.  If my relationship with husband is feeling better, more comfortable and we are doing things and making plans.  If we are spending much more time together, then why does it feel funny?  I mean it feels like he wants to be here, we laugh and talk, hug & kiss some, have sex some, but it still feels not quite right.  I mean for someone who gave one of the main reasons for “seeking other friendship” (that’s what he calls it) was unmet emotional and physical needs  (and I’ve made it perfectly clear that I’d like to have more sex) you would think he’d be jumping right in- as we previously had a very satisfying sexual relationship.  Then why does it feel like -he just doesn’t love me?  And I started to sing ; “if he loves you so it’s in his kiss” and I realized that moment that he’s not feeling it.  Going through the motions, I think trying, says he loves me and shows it in may ways, but it’s NOT IN HIS KISS!   Oh that sucks!

If you’re the type that doesn’t like to talk about sex then you may not want to read this next paragraph.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned previously, but the usually rock hard penis has been showing his age lately, slower to erection, not as wood hard as younger days, but the problem is he looses the erection part way through sex. Or he has to focus so hard to maintain it that I may as well not be there (give him suzy pop-up friend) because there’s no attention to me.  I know -Ouch for us both! 


At first I just rolled with it, not wanting to emphasize the situation.  But it’s become more of a problem for us.  Finally one evening he made a comment about “it not wanting to co-operate lately” and maybe he needs something like those commercials.  He means erectile dysfunction and testosterone supplements like Viagara, but he can’t say those words.  I was glad he felt comfortable sharing that with me, but I hesitated to say yes let’s try some.  I don’t need his desire for more sex to include being with someone else, if he gets his wood back.  So I didn’t suggest it. I mean, maybe it only happens when he’s with me.  Maybe it’s rock hard for her? Stop chely -no negative thoughts.

So as usual, I began researching ED.  And something I found out is that ED can be a precursor to heart disease.  So doctors keep giving men testosterone, they get their wood back but then high numbers are having heart attacks, strokes etc.!  Some have even died.  So if your man is considering this approach make sure doctors are addressing the effects of it on his heart. 

Another article mentioned the fact that viewing pornography and a history of excessive masturbation can also lead to ED.  Then it posed the question in terms of sex addictions.  Oh no, here we go again -another topic to research.  I looked at the questionnaire to help determine if this could be the cause.  And as I answer the questions posed it becomes painfully obvious that I can now sex addiction to the list of problems effecting us.  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/08/01/a-cure-for-sexual-dysfunction-stop-using-porn/

It’s called porn induced sexual dysfunction.  If someone you know views porn and masterbates excessively signs to look for:

     * more stimulation and more intensity necessary to get aroused

     *can’t keep an erection

     *experiences delayed/incomplete ejaculation

     *sexual intercourse becomes difficult to complete      

     *drugs like Viagra lose effectiveness

     *eventually they can’t get an erection even WITH porn


I guess the only good news(for me) is that this will happen to him no matter who he is with!  Oh thank -GOD it’s not just me!

What happens over time is the over-stimulation desensitizes the brains response to normal sexually arousing experiences. The availability of any type of pornography (24/7/365), as much as one could want, just waiting for a click of the mouse has created a situation that is becoming epidemic.  Men who would previously look at a magazine or video occasionally and masterbate while doing so, have now become obsessed with pornography, sexual chat rooms, people looking to hook-up, live sex acts sent directly to your phone to be viewed over and over.  Even a website for married people looking for sex outside of marriage.  HOW DISGUSTING!

Its sexual overload.  And our lives are conditioned by the media to accept this, want this, even crave it more and more. In this “it’s all about me and my needs” era we currently live in, more and more men (and some women) are/have become ADDICTED to it!! The effects can be extremely devastating. As many of us betrayed spouses can testify to. It is very scary that something that was once considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent has the potential to derail couples lives forever!!

I mean I knew about his porn and masturbation, we even do this together (I did think he was getting a bit carried away lately) but in all honesty, I never thought it was as serious a problem as it now appears to be. Never thought that this could also be contributing to the problem. I bet there are a lot of spouses who are dealing with infidelity that have absolutely no clue that this may be contributing or the catalyst for their situation. Or how many young men just starting with porn don’t realize the damage they can do to their normal “real” sex lives. I hope the word gets out to the general public about the devastating results this can have on healthy adult relationships. I know i’m going to talk to my sons (they are young adults) about this. If you have young adult daughters and sons I hope you talk to them as well. I guess you can say i’m down on porn now!  

I have to believe that he does still loves me otherwise why doesn’t he just move on? I know he’s playing the part til he feels it more? I hope that’s the answer because I have picked just about every damn daisy in my yard – and I can’t seem to get the answer I want: HE LOVES ME!


6 thoughts on “He Loves me, He Loves me not, He Loves me…….

  1. Thank you, chely5150. I am a husband who was addicted to porn. My wife and I have been married for 40 years. As each year went by, I tried to figure ways to stop, and I think it is very disgusting for me to have had the infidelity (porn) in my life. Last year, after viewing porn one more time, I became very distraught and ashamed. I thought what’s the use. Because I tried so many times, I lost the will to live and attempted suicide. Thank God that He let me live. I am totally embarrassed with what I did (porn and suicide attempt). I now see a therapist, go to sex addiction anonymous, and love my wife with actions instead of words. I have a long way to go. However, I have eyes for one person. Thank you chely5150 for a great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks so very much for your comment. I think this is an extremely important subject. I can see how it has potential to become a HUGE problem. I read A LOT on the internet about relationships, infidelity and the sexual and emotional problems since finding out husbands infidelity 10 months ago. Eventually I began to realize the dynamics of this addiction and how it plays into my marriage, his infidelity and the fact that narcissism can be closely entertwined. Since my writing of this post the
      bigger picture of
      what has been going
      on (I think for quite some time) is becoming clearer to me. I am afraid sometimes that he could attempt suicide because of several specific comments he has made. But he will not address any of his issues at all, and I’m pretty sure becausehe is afraid of the whole truth coming out.He would never understand that I would think of him as more of a man if he did. I’m afraid my marriage won’t survive if he never acknowledges anything. If I may ask how you came to recognize (within yourself) that things were happening you couldn’t control?

      This post I wrote is I think one of my best because this is a serious problem and when reading strictlyabout infidelity I wasn’t hearing any mention of thisand how it can all be related. I worry about the younger people not getting this until its too late. So again thank you for your thoughtful comment. Chely


      • Thank you, Chely. I wrote about my experiences. Actually, in 2009, I had written a book about porn addiction that I never published. However, I feel that the time has come for me do something with the book. When I wrote on how I overcame the sexual addiction in my life, I thought that I had it whipped. However, I didn’t. In the book, I admitted that I worked on living a good life every day. I was in recovery. Yet, about every 4 to 8 weeks, I would relapse into my old ways. Perhaps, that is why I did not get the book published.

        In November of 2013, a select few, including my wife, stood around my hospital bed. The nurses and doctors successfully pumped my stomach of the overdose of pills that I took. After a couple of days in ICU, I voluntarily went to the psych ward for observation.

        Here is the answer to your question. The first morning in the psychiatric ward, I was in bed thinking of how my family loved me. I wept. I knew I had to change. I talked to a social worker about my addiction. I talked to nurses, my psychiatrist, my primary care doctor, and mental health specialist about the sexual addiction. The mental health professional told me to find specialist in this field.

        I found a therapist. I attended sex addict anonymous (SAA). Now, I am looking for a sponsor as an accountability partner. I may ask my wife though the experts do not recommend it. Today, I feel free. As alcoholics, I know the addiction is conditioned into my physical being; yet, I have hope. I have people in my life who love and need me. Perhaps, I can help someone else. Thanks.


  2. chely5150 says:

    Thanks u make me smile! Gotta be fast computer acting up-don’t want to get kicked again. Thanks again!


  3. I also read that those cheaters suffer from loss of erection due to guilty feelings. Hang in there. My husband suffered a bit right after Dday (and suffer he should, right???). I thought it was me, that I wasn’t as desirable as she was. After thinking about it for some time, I came the conclusion he had a porn filled summer (then the computer got a virus and that was the end of his PC Porn) and she was the recipient of that porn addiction. Addiction is definitely the key word!

    Chely, thanks for posting this — information is definitely power in our healing journeys.

    I hope you have just the right amount of daisy petals to arrive at that he loves you 🙂


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