When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO BUT NEVER POSTED- MY BAD!

 

When you suffer the pain of infidelity, the heartache of an emotional  or physical affair, deception in your marriage, a disconnect from the one you thought was that “soulmate”, when it looks like your marriage is coming to and end, you begin to think “is this it?”,  “Is this really the end of our relationship?” It most definitely feels like it.

Yet for some untold reason you stay together, sort of. Both remain in the relationship and continue day to day, but are they really there? I mean their hearts. You see their bodies but do you feel their heart?  If your answer is NO! Then why stay? I just couldn’t think of the right words to describe this until I read a post written by Douglas LaBier PhD.;  Caught Between “Longing” vs. “Settling” in your marriage.  In which he describes this dilemma so perfectly:

                     

                       “caught between feelings of longing for a relationship ideal that they think, might be real but unfulfilled

                              and a pull towards settling for what they have, with all it’s imperfections and disappointments”.

That was it, the word I couldn’t put my finger on. The word is  SETTLED.    It didn’t feel like he was choosing me, it felt like…

He was settling on me.

Settling because He felt comfortable with me.  That certainly makes me feel so special.   Even with all my imperfections and disappointments I’m still comfortable, I guess that’s how I see it.  I’m good enough to be the slave laborer but not enough to be the desired one.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie My Best Friends Wedding “You order creme brulee but what you really want is jello, jello is comfortable.” I guess I am jello.  Not good enough to make you only want jello, but brulee is something you only want sometimes.  Which is the lesser insult?

He simply cant make up his mind.   I imagine it is fear, fear of the unknown.  I’ll take a guess, that this is happening for both of us.  I try to wrap my mind around  what being single again, after 20 years of marriage , would actually be be like.  Especially in this technological, youth oriented, narcissistic world we live in today.  How does someone who still has empathy survive in this world of wolves, without being eaten alive again?

I’m not really looking forward to it in all honesty.

I HATE infidelity!!!

 

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “When It Doesn’t Feel Genuine

  1. Christine says:

    Did he tell you all? Have you gone for MC?

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      Hi Christine- Thanks for taking the time to comment. He has only told me very little and what He has said -(the story stays the same each time He tells it) doesn’t answer the questions I have. He tells me it’s over but I just have this nagging feeling it’s not. We have been to counseling (in the long ago past) it never really helped much, but I don’t think those counselors (or me) knew about dealing with a narcissist. He has agreed to go to MC again. I believe the key is to find the right counselor/therapist. I told him I would pick 3-4 and then He could choose from that group. Things truly have been improving, but I’m not sure if He’s just better at covering it up. His job affords him the privacy to do alot without my knowledge. Thanks again for the questions. hugs chely

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s