Do they make a “Patience” Barbie?

Towards the end of my post titled “Yellow Brick Road” I said something about being patient- a little patient. I must retract that statement. What I should of said was; you are going to need A LOT OF @$%@$ *&(*&^ )^$#*@# $%#^%& PATIENCE!!! In fact a whole truck load of it to survive his affair AND try to save your marriage, and oh yeah your sanity as well. Dammit my truck is Mattel sized- only big enough for Barbie and a little patience. That must be my problem. I can’t get enough patience in the bed of my truck! Right? well I guess, could I be wrong. I realize that I’m not a patient person. I like to see that my investments have the potential for dividends right away. Apparently what little patience I’ve demonstrated so far isn’t quite enough. Sometimes it’s never (oh no that word) never enough , or I should say there isn’t enough. MAYBE- I’ve had enough! NO, no, no girl -calm down! Here I go over-reacting again.

Let me back up just a little; My husband and I never separated after the discovery of his affair. So there was no “space” to speak of for “breathing”. At first things were good, obviously neither of us knew what to expect. I guess since we both said we wanted to try it would be easier than it is. But we stumbled along , and had sex for the (2nd) first time after four days. It wasn’t mind-blowing and it wasn’t awful – it just was. It did feel good to have him hold me in his arms and his naked flesh wrapped around me. Each day would seem a bit better, and then the step backwards. Patience girl this will
take time. Slowly we progressed, forward and then back some, and then one day he just kinda changed again -zombieville like he was sooo sad, like someone died. PATIENCE REQUIRED HERE! Must check resources what is happening? I discovered that this is a fairly normal (whatever the hell that is) occurance. When the cheater finally breaks it off with affair partner, they feel as if a death has happened and they must grieve their loss. Oh Boy more patience! So I kept on doing the things that he had requested (those “me” things I had neglected) and it got better somewhat, however still only a little (mediocre) sex. This next change came in an unexpected form, he has begun to have panic/anxiety attacks. The kind where he thinks he might be dying. I realize that he is in a full blown mid-life crisis (you know wants a new sports car, furniture etc.) but I never expected this. It is so disappointing that it seems like the attacks come on only when he’s around me. Ouch! I need two more truck loads delivered right away. Now they are actually occurring more often, when he is working, driving etc. (In some ways i’m glad its not only when with me.)

In his article, Dr. Robert Firestone states that during a mid-life crisis (MLC) , due to receiving damage in basic feelings of themselves (in their early lives) it is difficult for them to offer or accept love. They are forced to hold onto this negative self image because to change would lead to anxiety. I believe that this is what is happening to my husband. Or the other (not so pleasant) option is he either is seeing HER again, OR has found a new source of narcisstic supply and feels extremely guilty or not!! Oh my head continues to spin. Where did I put that patience of mine?

If you have never been in a relationship (I pray you are not) or an immediate family member of a narcissist or passage/aggressive disordered person, some of the things I describe here may seem foreign to you. Like why I put up with his egotistcle, self-centered controlling and sometimes cruel personality? While he loves me , he hates me as well, for he believes I am the source of everything gone wrong in his life. Of course it’s me, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s perfect!! In his perfect internal world, everything and everyone must always focus on him, his suffering, his sacrifices, how hard he works and stressed they are. How happy or unhappy. Sometimes it’s enough to almost make me puke! Like he’s the only person in our family that matters. But have no fear I apply more patience from my 55-gallon drum. and I bite my tongue because I don’t want this marriage to end without fighting for it ONE MORE TIME! More patience required here! Excuse me but I gotta run down to the truck stop-got a big shipment of patience coming in- if you need some i’ll have to order more for you cuz I need all I can get!!

While reading up on what patience is or isn’t. I found the following paragraph in classical litititure of Hinduism in Wikipedia defintions:

“our conduct must always foster forebearance, one must patiently endure rude remarks because it delivers us to purity. If we are unjustly wronged by others, it is best to conquer our hurt with patience accept suffering and refrain from unrightous retaliation. It is good to patiently endure injury done to you but to forget them even better–just as Earth bears those who dig into her, one must with patience bear with those that despise us, and so on”.

So if you have any (patience) to spare please send it my way because I may be running out! And the procurement office is closed for the weekend!!

“Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet”.
Jean-Jocques Rousseau


Is this the Yellow Brick Road? the yellow brick road

So you’re looking for the yellow brick road?  You know that long, narrow winding road, a path to follow, one that leads you to the door of forgiveness.  Maybe you’ve been looking for a very long time.  Maybe you’re actually on that road but you encounter major road blocks and detours keeping you from your destination.  You feel like you’re so close; why or why are you stuck may be the key to removing those road blocks and allow you forgive your spouse for infidelity.

There I was wearing my ruby slippers. (not really) standing at the start of my yellow brick road.  I had decided to forgive my husband for his infidelity  I decided something that for many is unthinkable, and may scoff at me for even suggesting this.  Scoff as you may, I’ve made my decision and a realization that, in dealing with a spouse that is a narcissist, that I really do have to approach my situation differently if I even think that I can repair my fractured relationship.

Many of the articles or blogs I read state that you forgive for several reasons the first is you!, you forgive to release yourself from the ANGER of betrayal and to move forward in your life (whether your staying together or ending the relationship).  You forgive so YOU can heal and in my case so WE can heal.

I sat next to him on the new sofas we had recently bought watching his eyes, his face for his reaction.  I just finished reading to him my letter of forgiveness  (see post 1/21/2014 chisled on a stone tablet), my offer of forgiveness, in hope that it will take us to the next level in repairing our dysfunctional and broken marriage.  And I sat and watched, it was amazing- It really was like watching a light switch flip on.  His face just changed from a sullen, injured little boy to a beaming smile with eyes that lit up and a very endearing and amazed look that appeared on his face.   He took my hands into his and kissed them.  He looked at me sheepishly as he replied “really? you really mean that?”  I assured him that I meant EVERY word and that I was willing to work on myself, the areas that I had neglected for many years due to unrelenting, toxic emotional abuse, and that I expected him to do the same .  He agreed to try.  I knew I had to taken back my power, and that I was on the right road. I felt hope for the first time that our marriage could survive and hopefully improve.  If I was going to be able to help my narcissitic husband overcome his past and his mistakes, as well as my own, I needed a “yellow brick road”.

I know some of you are probably laughing or crying at me because you wonder ” why can’t I forgive?”,  ” why am I stuck?”,  ” I want to find my yellow brick road too!” There are two really good articles on this that I refer you to:’t-get-over-affair &

So I’ll tell you about the FIVE main reasons (at least in my opinion) that most betrayeds are stuck and unable to truly forgive :

#1:   Worrying that spouse isn’t really sorry about the affair .  Sure they begrudgingly admit they were wrong maybe even say those words, but it either feels hollow or their actions don’t fit with the words. “Yeah sorry he got caught!” “He cheats on me and I see no remorse.”   Many men have difficulty in displaying any emotion, outwardly, especially a narcissist.  I discovered that every time my husband looks at me, he feels extreme pain,  because he is reminded how much he has hurt me.  Some (spouses) are really just jerks, and may never change, but if you want to stay married, give them a little bit of leeway here.  Believe it or not they are hurting too and feel it deep down inside, just not outwardly.-

#2:  Still angry about affair because you resent that they have not suffered any repercussions for their actions.   It seems like “oh they go and have an affair yet they go on with their life like nothing inappropriate ever happened”.  Yet you live with the pain everyday.  I felt like this at first but then I realized all I had done (or failed to do) that contributed to our marriage coming apart.  Oh and this DOES NOT MEAN THAT I FEEL THAT HIS AFFAIR WAS MY FAULT AT ALL- He has to own his actions.  When I was really unhappy, like the emotional abuse would never end, I simply shutdown (for almost two years),  I had nothing left to give, to anyone but I would NEVER have an affair.  However, looking at my boys made me snap out of it.  Well as for consequences probably nothing that seems fitting -except the life sentence within themselves that they are really despicable in their choice to pursure affair.  This was probably the hardest for me, I decided oh he would have repercussions alright if he didn’t work to repair what he has done then I WILL leave him and then everyone will know how immoral he is.  (I don’t threaten to leave anymore, NO BLINDERS ON,  but that doesn’t mean that it will never happen. More on trust next post.)  Yours may be a big pompous ass and nothing will phase him- but give it time.

#3  Still angry because no positive changes seem to be happening.  Again, I say give it a little time.  If you have taken back your power and are making the changes you need to make, then time will tell as changes slowly materialize.  This was me for sure, it felt like nothing changed ,I wanted it to be instant. But I realized that change of this nature begins gradually and patience has rewarded me in being able to see his treatment of me improve.

#4  You worry that the affair may not really be over:  When you really feel like there’s no changes, no remorse, no repercussions.  You begin to wonder,  with no outwardly display of transparency, no guilty look,  no pleas for forgiveness,  you wonder even more, is it really over?  Don’t trust blindly -eyes wide open so you won’t be run over by that 18-wheeler again.

#5  Unable to take that leap of faith towards forgiveness and get the life you want:  Some betrayed spouses can never make this leap. They don’t see that there a better outcome than what is currently happening to your relationship.  I mean end the blame game,  if staying together is what you want then  WTF have you got to loose!  Give it a chance,  let go of the anger it will eat you alive.  Instead look to the future make plans for a positive, happy life together. Then time will show you if you’re on the right road. This was very hard for me to accomplish, at first.  I wanted to see those changes instantly and they were slower to see than I wanted them to be.  But in the long run I am seeing the beginnings of positive change.  BE A LITTLE PATIENT if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned then you can leave, leave with your head high knowing that you did all you could to repair your marriage.  After all it probably took many years to get to this point -take the leap and FORGIVE but learn from these lessons.

These are my personal opinions, I am no expert,  I can’t guarantee you that you’ll make it to the emerald city.  I can only show you where I found my “yellow brick road” at, and that I choose to walk on it -I don’t want to end up, under a house in some Kentucky corn field just because I was too afraid to journey down the “yellow brick road”.

manana chely5150

in fact, not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. Anne Lamont -Traveling mercies-some thoughts on faith

The most important letter ever- chisled on a stone tablet!

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes, from different backgrounds, ethnicities and social cultures, male or female. Most abuse, whether it’s emotional, verbal, physical or sexual, is carried out covertly, like a stealth fighter sneaking into position over its target. It’s no wonder anyone who endures abuse for extended periods of time, develop symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) It can feel like your loosing your mind- slowly. Even when you know it is WRONG, you are unable to break free from their hold over you. Narcissistic personalities can range from very subtle to overtly extreme, or anywhere in between. When required to delve deeper into their motives, fears, whishes and needs they use “weak sentimentality”, to distance themselves from their own emotions as well as their from their loved ones. Any suggested help, advice or concerned inquiries are immediately cast as intentional humiliation.

Therefore any message that is being conveyed must be incisive (though not hurtful or humiliating). It must be CLEAR, UNEQUIOVAL, UNAMBIGUOS AND CONSISTENT to begin to penetrate into their minds. As I am not an expert, this is my personal opinion, from reading lots and lots of articles and the book Malignant Narcissism by Sam Vaknin Ph.D.

( html/malignant-self-love/narcissism). All this information is totally FREE.

This site has extensive information about how to recognize the various types of narcissism, as well as typical behaviors. It is very in-depth and has a TON of information, although if you’re not into scientific reading some of it may be hard to grasp. I stayed up all night and still didn’t read it all. It is an excellent resource for finding out if you are in this type of relationship. However what they don’t delve into, is the DEALING WITH & LIVING WITH a narcissistic person. Because for various reasons some of us DO stay in relationships with our narcissists. It is the book that helped me realize I too am a narcissist (co-dependant) and that I had even MORE work to do to heal myself!

So let me tie this together for you as it pertains to my circumstances:

Deciding to stay together after discovering my husbands affair, I knew there were some things that needed to happen, for us to really remain married. From my reading, about surviving and healing from a spouses’ affair, in a healthy relationship there are a few things that just about all websites or books stated need to happen for a marriage to survive infidelity: 1) remorse for what they did 2) steps to show honesty and transparency in their lives- no more secrets 3) MUST END AFFAIR-ALL CONTACT 4) show willingness to make amends to you and make you feel safe again & work on issues from marriage. Your marriage doesn’t stand much of a chance without these!

“Oh shit, I might be in trouble here”, I thought. It had been almost three months since D-day and truthfully while we were still together and getting along, basically we didn’t have any of those four in place, OUCH! We had talked some, he revealed some details (mixed in with lies) stated he was sorry, he felt ashamed and humiliated, even though he did NOT consider it an affair. Ya it’s that getting caught thing, he really was sorry for! (looking back I can see ways he was trying to show me or clue me in as to what was going on but I was being blind). He really wasn’t showing ANY transparency or I felt honesty either. He DID end the affair (although I think it took him a month or so), but put a password on his phone, when he caught me looking at I, again. And as far as willingness, well let me just say no flowers, no heartfelt apology and no truth- really nothing in his behavior, only his words tried to persuade me of his intentions. I still had questions that I wanted answers to but it wasn’t happening, he just continued on like normal, except even more “not there”. I had even tried confronting him stating that “I knew the basic truth and if he didn’t own up to it – I was outta there”. Still nothing, no change! So here I am working on all the things that he complained that I “neglected” and he cheats on me (a very long emotional & maybe sexual affair-pretty sure but no actual proof)! and it seemed like nothing was changing no matter what I tried. It didn’t seem very f—n fair at all! I was making those changes but at this point with no support from him, so what I was doing, I was doing for me. It felt like i’d already wasted such a huge portion of my life, unhappy and emotionally abused, (please don’t think i’m blaming him for our marriage breaking down – I certainly did my fair share of hurtful things), that I needed to change for me FIRST and the relationship second.

Somewhere I had read the terms passive/aggressive and narcissism years earlier, but I never understood like I understand now. This time around I had more power (thanks to this wonderful technological world we live in) and I turned to the internet for answers. Many years back, we had tried counseling, even a couple different counselors. One actually said to us in a session (after like 6 sessions); “you both seem like bright, intelligent, “with it” people, i’m wondering why you two still don’t seem to get it (what i’m trying to teach you)”. Oh how I wish I could of learned about narcissism back then. Maybe I could saved myself, years of hurt and of course, the ultimate heartache of infidelity. Basically, I realized I needed a different approach or my marriage was probably over. So I sat down, and really thought, long and hard, about if I could offer that “olive branch” to him and still live with myself. I could, I will (or at least I will try). So I sat down and drafted a letter, let me clarify quickly: I had already implemented many things; getting up and dressed everyday, cooking, cleaning, looking for work, not yelling all the time and showing/doing affectionate things for my spouse -oh and have & enjoy sex more often (i’ll tell you more about this tomorrow)!

It wasn’t fair he has the affair and i’m doing all the work! I was ready to just give up on this whole nightmare! I had already given almost 19 years of my life to him -I’M NOT GIVING ANYMORE UNLESS THINGS BECOME DIFFERENT! I had to shed the person I had become; empty, lifeless, shell of a person and find the one I knew from a long time ago, the stronger me, self assured me, the person I was before I met him. I knew this letter had to come from a position of power& strength, along with love & understanding and set the new boundaries that I required. So I drafted a plan, a letter, not to be mailed though. I decided, I would read it to him, so I put emphasis and pauses where it was crucial. Our talks would always end up in an argument. I would always start to yell, say things I don’t mean to, forget things I needed to say or everything just me out wrong. So I would write everything down, exactly the way I needed to say it, so I don’t mess it up. I needed him to hear the emotion in my voice and at so I don’t forget a single thing I needed to say. (in case he thought it was weird me reading it, like a script, I simply said this is the most important conversation I will have ever have with you and I don’t want to mess it up). He was cool with that. And since I had written it down – I can share with you what I said:

“Because this relationship is so important to me, I’ve decided that I only want to look forward. We have BOTHinflicted hurt and been hurt! Enough is enough! What’s done is done, it’s time for NO MORE hurt. Let’s end this blame game. I only want to focus on the good we have and start moving forward. I want you to know how much your love means to me. I want to share with you my ALL! My passion, my dreams, my aspirations and all my love! But I need you to understand what it takes for me to give these… …..I NEED A MONOGOMOUS, LOVING, CARING, TRUSTING AND RESPECTFUL PARTNERSHIP WITH THE MAN I LOVE, ADORE AND ADMIRE! I need you to know that I am COMMITTED to this relationship, so you understand that I am not leaving you, nor will I ever, there will be no more talk of that. I am here with you, through all of lifes’ up and downs, to stand by your SIDE, HOLDING HANDS, so TOGETHER we can face any adversity. I want to put away all negativity and focus ONLY ON THE GOOD THINGS WE HAVE IN OUR LIFE. If this, marriage ends it will be because you have chosen that not me. We can do this babe- everything we have good is riding on this. I believe you want this to!! Then I just sat there with a smiling but serious face and let him think about it…. ….and I waited for a response….
Manana chely5150

<blockquote>quote of the day

“denying the dignity of one’s partner has consequences not only for relationship, stability respons and happiness – but for HEALTH!

egalitarian-Jan. 1, 2014

How do I get that dirty, rotten rat to quit running his race in my head? aka: forgiveness

QUICK NOTE:  Yesterdays’ post was accidently published as a page and I haven’t been able to switch it yet.  (Yes sometimes i’m a “bonehead”)  So if you’d like to read yesterdays’ post go to the page titled “I Blew It!” 


While writing the post “what to do when the floor…”,  I began to experience dreaded feelings, related of course, to my husbands’ affair.  It was like a movie that’s on a loop player, playing the same thing over and over and over-never stopping.  Those scenerios , pictures I created in my head, about my husbands’ affair.  AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!! Get out of my head!!  I had to take a step back, slow my brain down(i’m really loving this blogging thing), I didn’t want to get stuck in that loop again.  I thought I had filed it away; gone but not forgotten. I know what you’re thinking right now, “yeah right – how in the hell did you manage that?  Well let me back up a little …


Currently my husband and I are still together. The evening of D-day he returned home after work (I had texted him during the day requesting that he return so we could talk).  As we began to talk I asked if he wanted a divorce.  I figured I’d just throw that out there to see if that was truly what he wanted. While he answered some of my questions I’ve found that his answers were fairly typical by that I mean half truth/half lies (or what I call his version of the truth).  He explained how he hadn’t been happy for a long time and just needed a friend to talk to, that they were “JUST FRIENDS”. ( Oh how I despise those two words.)  I told that I had been unhappy too -the difference was I DIDN’T GO OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR!   He really didn’t think he was having one!  I needed answers, but mostly I needed to know if it was over.  We agreed that we both wanted to try and he would end it and never speak to her again. The first weeks, even first months I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it (certainly not all the way out of the woods yet).  It turns out the women he had been having affair with is someone he has known for a long time.  He worked with her many years ago, our family has even gone to BBQ or two at her house years ago.  She was nice enough, I always felt there was a little chemistry between them, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I DO believe men and women can be friends (and we had made our extra commitment). -just watch for that slippery slope (another post).  So we trudged on each day trying to be nice,  and I continued to read.  I began working on ME!  doing the things I knew that I had to do, whether we stayed together or not.  You know like get a job, get dressed everyday and clean house and cook way more than I had been.   I mean it was time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back in the real world and if at the end of it (what they call recovery period 1-2 years) if we’re still together, GREAT!  If not, I would not only survive but thrive (I prayed).  I needed this time because I was not ready to be on my own,  (and you know what they say; that best revenge it to LIVE WELL!).  And yes sometime to work on my marriage too!


Sometimes it feels unrealistic, to think that it is possible,  to NOT think of your partners affair.  The goal is to get to the point where the “thinking” of the affair isn’t an obsession, that the triggers don’t automatically bring all the painful emotions, back to the surface.  How I, was able to do this, is by learning as much information  about affairs as you can, so you are able to look at things with a different perspective -a filter of sorts.  For me, this allowed a rational understanding of the situation, to become stronger than my emotional reactions.  As you lessen the “emotional control”  the affair has on your life,  you can begin to feel some control of yourself and emotions. 


While my husband “said” that he wanted to work on our marriage It really felt like he was just going through the motions.  I mean he’s here with me but it was empty, like I had won the battle but not the war.  I didn’t understand it,  I was implementing some of the various strategies I had read about, was working on myself personally and doing the household things I had neglected, so why wasn’t it getting better.  One of the most crucial things I’ve learned is that my husband is a narcissist. And I am an inverted narcissist (co-dependant), and that many of the traditional suggestions simply don’t work with these types of people.  As a matter of fact, most websites that talk about relationships with a narcissist really don’t offer much advice, except to run – get away from that person, they will never change. The paradox of narcissim is that individuals can be both entertaining & exciting as well as aggressive & manipulative.  Everyone has some narcissim within them, in healthy measures this is ones’ confidence , self-suffciencey, and self-esteem.  But when someone has increased or extremely high levels, these qualities are escalated to unhealthy, even toxic types of behaviors such as; over inflated ego, vanity, entitlement, and exploitiveness (and more) exist at the other end of the spectrum.  -from article by Scott Barry Kaufman 2-5-2011

 Not good news for me, as I still loved my husband, my family, my life and damnit I was going to give up without a fight.  I knew I had to continue to search.  I found a website called, it was different, some of their ideas were unconvenential maybe even controversial.  All I knew was, that their descriptions, of the types of behaviors were dead on and they weren’t telling me to give up!  I felt that there was hope.  So I read everything about passive-aggressive relationships, depersonalization and narcissism that I could get me fingertips on especially the articles from narcisissim cured.  Basically what I learned is that the situation with someone who has these traits is that they are insecure individuals, frightened, of failure, abandonment, unfulfilled dreams and love all wrapped up in a false package for the world to see, and the thing they want the most they will push away.  Lifes’ blueprint for us exposes us to things that shape us as people, not always for the good.  So Kim Cooper of narcissism cured -who lived through and healed her narcissistic relationship- talks about how these types of personalities don’t open-up they feel very little outward remorse due to their life blueprint (my next new term-lol).   In a nutshell what most relationship/affair rescue sites listed as the number one thing that had to happen if the relationship was going to heal is remorse/transparency and that needed to happen BEFORE you offer any type of forgiveness.  This was the exact opposite of what Kim Cooper was suggesting.  That with this type of person you had to show them that your willing to give your trust EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT to get them to move forward with you.  You make the first gesture in forgiveness,  I think of it as offering the “olive branch” put forth by you to make them understand you, so they may begin to feel empathy.  WOW!  Could I do that? Could I really offer my forgiveness at this point, he sure as hell didn’t deserve it, but you know I had made some mistakes in the past (NOT AN AFFAIR-NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO THAT) mostly to do with money.  So maybe I owed our relationship this chance.  I decided  I would think about it as a possibility, everything else I was trying didn’t really make it better. We were like two strangers pretending that we were married.  And then it happened, I read something that made me think “what the hell I’ve got nothing to loose and everything to gain” Something totally different may be what it takes for you. I was talking with my one friend who knows about affair and she said to me “girl maybe you should act like a lady but think like a man”.  I kinda laughed and said ok how do I do that?  She explained that, that was the name of a book by the TV host Steve Harvey and that he had lots of ideas about relationships.  So I immediately went and googled it, and discovered there’s an excerpt from the book.  It’s actually a book of quotes by him, and as I read down the page there were so many good ones- I loved it and then I read the one that helped me make the decision of what I was going to do…      …. I was going to offer my forgiveness.  I was going to offer the “olive branch”.


                QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“Women can go over it again and again in their minds.- “I didn’t do this right”, “I wasn’t good enough”, “I didn’t love him the way I should of”, “She came in here and out performed me”-but the fact still remains he didn’t have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man’s actions- just do it for yourselves.  Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from preforming in your next encounter.  You simply cannot drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror”.     -Steve Harvey


Manana   Chely 5150