Are you wearing those stupid glasses that changes the color of everything around you??
Are you??
I was for a very long time….so long I have a permanent indention from them.
Everyone who is in the position to be exposed to this filter needs to recognize that those glasses actually cause blindness.
No two pairs of glasses allow the same view, so we must absorb and watch for our own exposure.
Glasses now removed. What color do you see??
***As my due date approached, he asked me if I had the baby pretty soon would I mind if he went on the annual houseboat trip without him. (Not if he wants me to be here when he gets back).
***As I realized I don’t think his jokes are funny.(Sarcastic,rude, demeaning comments are not funny-even if he’s just kidding).
***When he would ask me a question and in the middle of my answer simply walk away. (Then ignore me as I attempt to bring him back into conversation).
***When I was not allowed to use his tools to fix something minor, because that’s for men to do. (Yet would never fix it and put down my attempt at doing it). I have my own tools now.
***When any idea or suggestion that I had would be ignored completely as he knows “the right way” to do everything. (Even though my idea was the best solution to the problem).
***When not allowed to have any stuff lying around even if right in the middle of a project, must look like the cover of Good housekeeping magazine at all times. (Yet leaves his crap everywhere but explains that’s different).
***When doing anything (cleaning, cooking, yard work, caring for kids) not doing things “the right way”. And must be instructed on the correct way to do it. (Even though end result would be the same or even better).
***When I realized that the kids and I were not supposed to go do anything fun if he were working because he wanted to do it too. (Never mind a bunch of Moms and kids were going in summer while schools out-but not us).
***When I realized my requests for a certain action (in the bedroom) would not be fulfilled no matter how many times I would ask. (If it doesn’t turn him on then it’s not happening).
***When I realized he had tricked me into signing a quit claim deed when refinancing, so to hurry and get a great rate and would be changed after re-fi completed. (We never got that great rate and he has yet to put my name on the house).
***If kids and I were watching something on TV, when he wanted to watch, simply walks over changes channel and proclaims it’s his TV. (Can’t wait til end of show so we can see the end).
***Bust my ass all day long. But when he walks in looks around, rolls his eyes and can only see what wasn’t done. (Never all the things that had been completed).
***For not greeting him properly when he arrives home from work. Never mind i’ve got dinner cooking, finishing homework and dealing with 1000 things. (I should drop everything and run to praise him for working so hard all day long when I do not).
***No matter how much thought or money I spent on gifts for him. He would mostly never use them. (if it was from me had to be crap, even though he as a $300. tablet just sitting there untouched).
***When he would never call me during the day just to talk to me and show he thinks of me. (Even though I may text him little flirty things, maybe even provocative picture and would be completely ignored or answered in one word statements. Yet I see how wordy he can be with others he interacts with).
***When everything concerning my disappointing behavior is to be addressed. (Yet I am not allowed to mention anything that he could improve upon).
***When he took three days off to decide what color to paint his truck. (But would never take a day off just to spend with me).
***When after he injured himself, being stupid, I hurry to the store for bandages etc., spend my last dollars on them. To return and stand there waiting to bandage him but he was watching TV and never would even acknowledge my presence by saying- “just a minute I want to hear this”. (I put it all away and then he admonish me for not caring that he was hurt ).
***That the BIG presents at Christmas couldn’t be from Santa. (Because he wanted the kids to know who spent the money on them).
***That he would control all the money because I wasn’t good at it. (Never mind that he never paid child support for his daughter then got socked with $$50,000 in back child support and when didn’t keep up on payments had his wages attached). OKAY BIG RED FLAG!!
***Because I had no access, I ask him for money for something, because I have to ask. (And he keeps forgetting, for days to bring any home for me for me or won’t give what’s in his wallet because that’s all he has on him- but he can get more at any ATM).
***When I realized that you didn’t have my back when it seemed the world was against me. (Oh the picture he would paint to anyone who would listen about my problems and how crazy and awful I am).
***When he would agree on all of us going on a bike ride during weekend. (Then make us wait until the latest possible moment on Sunday when it’s starting to get dark, no wants to go anymore yet have to do this so he looks like a great husband and father with all the things he does with us).
***When it became obvious that he cares more about what strangers/acquaintances think or feel. (Much more important than my opinion).
***When he made absolutely no effort to help me heal after the discovery of his affair. (Just get over it, it’s over trust me).
No friends I have had those damn glasses on for the last 20 years.
While I was wearing them I could not see the color red that was screaming at me.
Nope I could only see the color white,and you know what a white flag means??
It means surrender.
Which is exactly what I did.
Prescription for color blindness.
Remove glasses to see reality.
Everyone’s flags are different, but the prescription is the same.
Oh and my glasses have been stomped on and thrown away.
He's now my Knight in " NOT SO SHINING" armour 
I hesitate to comment. I have done so on other blogs and gotten the blogger angry. I teach an adult education class which has a lot of psychology issues in it. If you look at marriage, and friendship, and jobs from the same angle you notice that there is a honeymoon stage. During that stage the personality of the relationship begins to seal up. Fairly quickly that relationship becomes like concrete. Your friendship is based on that, the way you do your job is based on that, and your marriage is based on that. Your marriage has a personality now and it is how the two of you will respond, act and react to each other for the rest of the marriage unless something happens to blow that marriage apart. Look at it as if you had a driveway paved with concrete. Over the years cracks will appear but that concrete is still solid and hard to move. Rebooting your marriage is like taking a jackhammer and getting rid of that concrete driveway and repaving it. It takes 100% effort on the part of both of you to break that marriage and repave it. It is hard, hard work.
You mention narcissism. I have not read your entire blog but unless someone is diagnosed with a personality disorder you may have narcissistic tendencies but not necessarily the disorder. Any of the personality disorders are very difficult to live with. I do not know anyone who has managed to do that. You cannot change a personality. We are who we are and it is a combination of genetics and environment. If your husband has some narcissism tendencies your life is going to be governed by that. He cannot change who he is, nor can you. What you can change is how you respond to him and what you will put up with. If every time you are with him you have a knot in your stomach, or are walking on eggshells, or getting angry, then you are dealing with something so deeply rooted that you need serious help to get you to look after yourself.
I am interested in who does the statistics about families that stay together after infidelity. I wonder if they look at families two years, five years or 10 years out from the affair. I do not trust statistics. I had many classes in it in college and one thing I know is you can lie beautifully with statistics.
If you are dedicated to saving your marriage then you need, more than anything, to stand up for yourself and not put up with someone trying to make you a second-class citizen in your own family.
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Dear Let go,
Thank-you for taking the time to comment. I would never get angry over a comment that is made in good faith. I may not always agree with you but I believe everyone has a right to express their opinion respectfully (not that I’m saying I disagree with because I’m not). I welcome all comments at my blog. It’s funny because I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking this weekend about exactly what you speak of. I know that it takes to create and two to destroy and if one is unable to see that then they are not looking at things realistically. I know I most definately play a part in our situation. Probably a bigger part than I would really like to admit. I am guilty of not always bringing my best to my marriage, despite this my intentions were always good, as I believe his are as well. When you grow up without good role models of how a relationship should function, I see how it is easy to create your idea of what a marriage should be. My parents were divorced, his are not, but that doesn’t mean they always demonstrated healthy interactions. It is unfortunate when these skewed ideas are how you work in your relationship. I read something just recently that sort of changed my perspective somewhat. Making me look a bit deeper into my own contribution and how I deal with things in marriage. You are correct about learning to stand up for myself -IN A HEALTHY WAY and not always lay all blame at his feet. I guess my biggest problem with him is his not accepting HIS part in what was tearing our marriage apart. He doesn’t like to own it, but who does? He has never been formally diagnosed and despite having many of the characteristics of a narcissistic person, there are MANY that do not fit him at all. Has he been emotionally abusive and sometimes cruel? Yes but I have no doubt I added to the problems with my responses. But in all honesty I never doubted that he loves me, just not always in the way I needed it. As I did not always love in the way he needed it. It taken us along time to reach this crest of making decisions of which way to turn but I think we may have gotten to a place where we are attempting to move forward together. He has opened up his feelings much more and is actually in the process of adding my name to the house. This action speaks volumes to me, actual actions just not words. I was just about ready to walk away from it all feeling defeated. But accepting that I’m just as screwed up in some of my thoughts has allowed me to step back and look at this a bit differently. We both were/are doing the best we could with what we knew. But now that we know better/more about how a marriage is supposed to work I believe we are now working together much moire effectively. While all of my red flags are the truth (some are from very long ago) I had no idea how this post would stir the emotions of my readers. I think that is a good thing sometimes we all need a wake up call sending us in the positive direction instead of focused on only negative. Here are the links to what I was reading that sort made have a change of heart about my situation. Again, Thank-you for your very insightful comment- greatly appreciated.
chely
http://www.lovefraud.com/2007/03/23
http://www.mjtacc.com/frameset.html
the sixth story down titled:
“After a while you learn”
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This is one of the most helpful and eye-opening articles I’ve ever found (albeit far too late): http://www.mjtacc.com/frameset.html?rabuse.html~mainFrame
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Hi riri- Thanks for the link. I took a little time to answer as I wanted to be able to read through some of the material before I replied. I read probably the entire website as it is filled with very interesting information on both sides of the Borderline personality characteristics, both actually having these symptoms and being in a relationship with someone who has BPD, as well as many different accounts of readers personal experiences. I found that there was plenty of information that described my husband in many ways. But what I also found was that there were many things that could be used to describe me as well (I being on one end of spectrum, he more towards the other end). Which made really stop and take a much closer look at my own input into my situation. I have always known that I am a contributor to my (our) problems. I have to say that I feel like I’m a bit guilty of laying the entire blame on him. Especially as he has actually completed several of the financial things that I have complained about for years and is adding my name to the house when we refinance later this week. I realize that many would just label this love bombing to keep me drawn in. But these are not small things that he has stepped up to do on his own. I consider this a big step on him relinquishing total control of everything as “money” is his love language. Anyone who remains in the undecided position of staying or leaving a marriage with a partner who has PD characteristics, check out the article on in the website referred by you, titled “After you learn”. Maybe what someone else needs to read as well. Thanks for the link-up and taking the time to comment. hugs to you-chely
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Wow, Chely, I agree with zombiedrew2, this sounds brutal. Is he behaving differently now? Are you? I see you have thrown away your glasses, but are you requiring respect. We need to be treated with loving kindness by the ones we surround ourselves with. I wish you happiness. ❤
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Hi Kat, Thank-you for taking the time to comment. I didn’t intend for it to sound brutal as far as these are things that have occurred over 20 years. And when I decided the topic of this post I just went through my mind to some that really stood out now that I see the color red clearly. Yes I have been placing boundaries and letting him know my expectations if he wants me to stay. Lately i’ve been reading a lot about learning to be more assertive (the right way). Every time i’ve tried before I just come across as aggressive and bitchy which doesn’t work (usually backfires) so i’m working on this because it is needed in all parts of my life not just my marriage. He has been a lot better recently but I still feel like I live in limbo. But trying hard to focus on myself and my growth so no matter where I end up I’m better prepared to handle my life. One step at a time out of this mess. Hope your doing better as well. Lord knows we are strong women to be able to survive the hell hole been dumped in.
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So glad to hear of the progress, especially your growth. I have learned that how I feel about myself is what will get me solidly through all this, one way or the other. Hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it? I also have a list of things my husband did throughout our marriage that I would consider unkind, or selfish, mainly self serving in the one up/one down way he learned so well in childhood and from his role models. Many things driven by his inner anger and resentment. I tell him that before d-day, it was a balancing act and things evened themselves out. The scales were fairly balanced, the good the bad etc… We all have faults and weaknesses. After d-day, the scales are seriously off balance against him being a viable partner for me, and he is making this part of his recovery. This being the changes in himself to be more aware of how his actions affect others and that he must not harbor resentment and anger and take it out on others. No longer will I tolerate any unkind or disrespectful words or actions. It is just too much now.
<3. We live in Portland and do not have our own pro baseball team. I have always been a Giants fan! (don't ask me about football though). Go Giants!!!
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He sounds like my ex. Always cynical and quick to put you down despite going above and beyond to please them. I’m glad you were able to free yourself from that garbage. I hope he’s suffering alone.
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Thank-you for taking the time to comment. Well I actually have not “freed” myself self -yet. Despite having been abusive throughout, he has always been so “nice” when he does these things that I never thought of it as abuse (just he was a jerk) until the last two years. He can be a nice guy (it cycles) which has made it very difficult to make that decision to leave (cognitive disonnance) when you have been with someone for this long (20 yrs) it isn’t easy. I always said we had the greatest love/hate relationship. I know what I would like to do and that the right thing to do are not the same thing. Still stuck in the middle.
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Not really sure how to adequately respond to this. Sounds brutal. Recently I’ve been thinking about the idea that “why” we are with someone and “how” we treat them is much more important than who they are.
Many people process love and caring with words, but if you look at their actions and how they treat us, the actions don’t line up with the words.
I like the glasses analogy – it works both ways though. When we are in the early stages of love, we only see the good and we tend to ignore the bad and any warning signs that may exist.
When we are hurt and disillusioned the opposite can happen, and we tend to discount the good that is there and only see the bad.
Sounds like you are at a crossroads, and best wishes on whatever happens next.
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Thank-you for commenting. It sounds brutal? My written words or the actual things I speak of? Just curious. I don’t mean to mislead anyone that these things are all recent, they are just some of the flags that I remember from our 20 years together. I also don’t mean it as there was never any fun or enjoyment during those years. There were lots of good times as well. As screwed up as my family is we always had love (as much as narcissism allows) too. That’s the part that makes this so difficult. He recently has been doing some of the things I have requested (paperwork, my own bank account with money in it, refinance house-adding my name, making sure I know where everything is and have access should anything happen to him, a date set to clean the junky side yard. But then something not good falls into my lap and as I research it things just don’t add up bringing right back to square one in how I feel about him and his honesty. This is so tough everyday, i’m starting to think I maybe don’t need answers to make a decision because I hate this feeling of being duped again. We will see. Right now I’m getting ready to go to the Giants game -Yeah!!! Thanks again for taking the time to comment.
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