Grow a Pair, part 2

After going to actually lay eyes on her the week before, had somehow softened how much I despised her.  I realized that she was just someone he choose because of her vulnerabilty and was a victim of his manipulation.  She fit the profile, just like me- with co-dependant tendancies,  with him portraying himself as the knight in shining armour coming to save us.  (If you’ve been a faithful reader you’ll know what the hidden meaning is).  YES,  She made bad choices,  but she really was not to blame – he was the one who had pursued it (that much he has admitted to me).

Back on topic here…

…So the next morning, I checked his phone to see if any response had been made. Nope, Nothing.

I decided to try again.

Thinking back to texts I had read between them (which was only a few) I attempted to make my texts sound like they were sent by my husband.  The following is an exact transcript  (I took pictures with my phone before deleting).  with the bold written by me as if  from my husband and the italicized are the responses received from her:

 

Hello-you off or on today

 work.. u r?

Coming your way when you off

Who is this…lol

Oh your funny-

 Can I see you today?

Seriously I lost

Your kidding right- I need to see you today

                                                                                                 Y

What’s going on?

Just been a while missing you

How’s home?

It’s ok

 Things fix?

Ya sort of

I in same boat

Ya were two souls looking for love

 What’s love?

I’m not sure either but I like what I have with you

                                                                                               With me?

You don’t agree

Hmmmm

Well maybe I mistake how you feel

You don’t want to play with me anymore

                                                                                                No comment cuz I still not 100% clear..if 

                                                                                                  u follow

Follow what ?  Maybe I should not of textd u

Call

Can’t right now

K

Do you still want me

 Call when you can

K

OMFG -I did it!  I had an on going conversation with her (texting) from his phone.

What the hell was I thinking?

Obviously I wasn’t, as I realized that if he didn’t contact her that she would most likely contact him on Monday when he’s at work.. Now I really did it.  Maybe they weren’t in contact after all?  Maybe I had just laid the ground work for them to be in contact again?

Can’t leave well enough alone can you stupid!!

Now I was going to end up having to explain how I had used his phone once he got a call from her.

Yeah sometimes I’m like that, act before I think.

So now I needed a remedy for this can of worms that I had foolishly opened.  Think Chely, think.  Surely you can get your ass out of this one.  Think…..

…..and after I deleted all the texts from his phone and I then sent her a text from my phone:

Hello this is Chely-i’d like to talk to you.  No hard feelings-just a couple of questions.  Please give me a call. Thanks

An hour later I got a reply:

Tomorrow ok?

Okay thx

Chely first of all…I sorry for any contribution I had on u guys.  Lots going on with me at time & I wasn’t thinkn n being stupid.  Look forward to chatting with you tomorrow

I appreciate that- we’ll chat tomorrow thx

And I waited for tomorrow.

Hopefully I had put a plug in the dam that would of busted open on Monday (and I would have to own up to what I did).  I didn’t really WANT to do that if I didn’t have to.  I now wanted to see where this would lead.

Dammit if he wasn’t going to give me any answers, I’ll just have to get them any way I can.

The treadmill is slowing down, I can feel it.  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

In all honesty what else did I really have to loose?

This mediocre reconciliation?

The love of my husband?

Think that one may already be gone…

…or at least the kind of love that I really need…

…no longer is just present and accounted for acceptable…

…I’m tired of that warm fuzzy roommate kinda love..

…with benefits but I want REAL.

I can have a great orgasm by myself

I have a great vibrator!

I want a partner who at least acts like he wants to be with me.

This mid-life crisis,

narcissistic,

been married along-time,

love you but don’t love you

man I married –

can really drive you to do crazy things

infidelity-sucks!!

Looks like this will be a multi-part story… look for the post next week sometime.

Be out of town for a few days, ironically  going to a wedding.

In the mean time feel free to share your thoughts about how stupid or ballsy you think I am.  Need a little input here friends! Thanks

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Inspiring Blogger Award!

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Today’s Readers have something fresh for their eyes in the way of my NEW theme. It was time again for me to pick a new look to represent me. A couple of things inspired me to make a change:

1st) When I feel like I am making progress in some area of my healing, a new theme represents growth to me or some type of change. Being able to go several days in a row with triggers setting me off is BIG growth in my opinion.

2nd) A dear sister blogger CrazyKat, whose blog Try Not To Cry On My Rainbow has nominated my blog (I guess that means me!) for the Inspiring Blogger Award to which I say Thank-you very much for your kind gesture. It is a nice feeling to know, that sharing my story, about trying survive after husband’s affair, are of benefit to my readers, most often another human being who may be feeling so alone. I’ve always stated since the very beginning, if even one person was relieved of the hurt for just a brief moment. Then suffering would not be in vain. Thank-you you again Kat. The support I receive from sister/fellow bloggers and readers, continues to inspire me as well. Hugs to you ALL!–Chely P.S.   Did you notice?  I got the picture on this post and I now can embed the shortlinks –  Yippee!!!

 

The Rules of nomination:

1) Thank the person who nominated you 2) List rules of award 3) list 7 random things about yourself 4) nominate another blogger 5) contact your nominee and let them know 6) proudly display award logo in sidebar, about page or other special location on your blog

 

My nominees for this award are: Take a minute and check them out – both are worth it!!

1) Matt at the blog Must Be This Tall To Ride.  Describes himself as a divorced, single, a father, makes bad decisions and this is his journal. He has an open letter to shitty husbands that’s awesome. (Wish mine would read this). His style of writing and tell it like it is (to himself) attitude inspires me. Demonstrates that divorce is not the end of the world-just feels like it. Good job Matt!

2) Kristian at the blog Pixalated Lifestyle .  Describes himself as a world traveler, movie lover, reluctant procrastinator who has lots of thoughts scrambling around in his brain. I don’t think his description does him justice. I find that he is a young man who has his finger on the pulse of whats going on in this world, while still displaying integrity, showing his heart, and enjoying life. He has written some powerful pieces and it’s refreshing to see young people who are REAL. Good job Kristian!

 

 

RANDOM THINGS ABOUT CHELY THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN.

1) I was married once before, 10 years no kids. H wanted to keep our sex life from becoming boring by becoming “swingers”. We tried it, he loved it (wanted to do everyone) and It was okay, but not something I needed all the time . It wasn’t the multiple people part of it, more that he just  wasn’t as picky who we did (since I had a nice variety partners BEFORE I was married, I didn’t NEED to fuck everything that walks) so that didn’t work SO WELL for us. He ended up cheating too but I didn’t find out until after we divorced.

2) I LOVE to build sandcastles at the beach. I have my castle building supplies always packed and ready. Sometimes people tease me about it, thinking they’re too mature for that. But something about sculpting in that sand, on my hands & knees (better than dermabrasion) brings me closer to earth and what feels good, they say don’t stop playing if you want to have fun in your life.   I prefer being outside to inside any season. Much of the time I’m on the patio when I blog, yep even in the winter.

3) When I was little I wanted to be a go-go dancer in patent leather boots, inside the cage like Goldie Hawn on the show “Laugh-In”. Okay I grew up in the 60’s and still love to dance. I’ve been told I “shake it” pretty good. I have been to over 100 Live music concerts and music still moves me, but I don’t listen as much as I used to. Too many triggers in too many songs!

4) I am hooked on San Francisco Giants Baseball Team- Love going to the games in SF at AT&T Ballpark, it is like no other. My favorite players are Angel Pagan – center field, Hunter Pence -right field and Buster Posey -catcher. I’m hoping to go to spring training in Arizona in the spring. Yep -love them Giants!

5) If I’m watching TV most likely it is related to: something that explores science or expands my mind discovering ancient things,like ruins, bones, artifacts, caves & underground tunnels, etc. I MUST visit ruins in Italy and Egypt before my bucket tips.

6) I have a disease called Morgellons that is related to Lyme disease. It is no fun at all! I have a beautiful smile but it has messed my nose up some. There is still not a cure and a lot is not known about this. Scientific research is finally catching up with this ailment, for many years the doctors just told me it was all in my head. I knew that was NOT true and science is proving it.

7) If I had to live my life over again I would have decided what to “be” when I was younger,  so I could acquire the proper education for that line of work.  Whichs means I am a  “Jack of all trades, Master of none”.  I have  a plethora of knowledge rolling around in my head and know how to do A LOT of things, but not enough in one specific area to be truly useful to myself career wise.

So that’s my list- hope it helps you to know me better. Hugs to you all!! Chely

Can a person forgive too soon?

Fairly soon after I discovered my husband’s affair, I made the decision to forgive him. He’s human, he makes mistakes. So many (both men and women) once discovered simply walk away and don’t look back. So when he said he wanted to stay together and make it work. He said he had ended the affair. He said he was sorry. So I took what he said at face value, decided to be the bigger person and offered forgiveness for past transgressions and tried to move forward positively.

Squarely thinking we would be working together at this reconciliation. It seemed like it was working, for a while. But everything just started not to feel right. I didn’t feel better, everything seemed to trigger me, and I was always feeling like shit. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to share those feelings with him. I was always told I’m over thinking it, or just get over it already. I thought maybe it was too soon to have forgiven him? But I did. I couldn’t just take it back. My thinking about it was I need us to be on the same page about this working together to put it behind us. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I thought it was the right thing to do. And in many ways I still do.

I forgave him also for myself. I thought if I just let it go, it would fade away, not bother me and I didn’t want to dwell on it. If he had been genuinely remorseful I think it could of worked. But here’s the thing:

it’s difficult to be in a place of forgiveness without taking enough time to process your feelings and emotions about all of it, even when they are remorseful. Especially when you don’t have all the information needed to understand the severity of it all. If husband had exhibited any of the behaviors of a truly remorseful spouse, and meant what he was telling me I think early forgiveness could of worked. We could of moved forward in a healthy way.

However being married to a narcissist, I should have realized that much of the conventional wisdom on healing and reconciliation after affairs, doesn’t really work/apply for us. As a matter of fact, most advice to spouses of a narcissist says to run as fast as humanly possible to get away from the harm that these people cause.

Despite the fact that a year has passed since d-day, I felt we were slipping further apart. All our interactions seem superficial and forced on his part (sometimes on mine too) and everyday I was feeling more and more resentment because I felt something was missing from this picture.

What was/is missing? A true heartfelt apology that shows his remorse. Not the excuses, and blaming and justifying type of (non)- apology that I received. But an apology that showed his understanding of the severity of the situation and what it has done to me. An apology that was focused on how his choices had caused me severe trauma and how he would help the healing of wounds inflicted by him. But that’s not what I got, no what I got was basically a non-apology camoflaouged as one. But I didn’t recognize it at the time.

I wish that I had been able to record those very few discussions that we DID have about the affair. That way I could go back and listen to what he actually said (now that my head is clearer). Because I now feel like there never was an apology just excuses and blaming. I understand no one likes to be confronted about mistakes they have made and many times they are upset and feel forced into apologizing. So instead they twist their apology to reflect their lack of responsibility. They will say things that sound like:

I’m sorry you feel that…

I’m sorry but…

I was just trying to help…

If I hurt you, I’m sorry…

If you think…

If I made a mistake…

Fill in any of the blanks and you’ll see an attempt to apologize without it really being their fault. A great apology includes an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF RESPONSIBILITY, and when it’s lacking, what they imply is they think they did nothing wrong. In my opinion no apology would have been better than his half-ass, piss poor excuse for an apology that he gave me.

“A cheater who refuses to acknowledge and address their failings is a cheater who expects you to accept them as the person they were on the day they decided to have the affair” Wayfarer

http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/06/25/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-2/

I realized at the moment I read this quote that he never apologized because he doesn’t feel that he has done anything wrong. Nope, not him true entitlement. He will never apologize to me. He doesn’t think he was wrong one single bit. He will take years of a not so great marriage and twist the story to fit his needs. He has re-written our history to fit his behavior, this has become his reality. Twisted as it may be it is now “his truth”.

In my situation by forgiving him too quickly several things happened: I had not worked through any of my emotions and feelings regarding his affair. I guess I was so glad that he hadn’t just walked out the door and never returned giving us a chance to make it through this. I thought it was his way of showing me he still wanted to try so I felt that I should show my willingness to work things out by offering forgiveness. I thought I had established a couple of boundaries and made sure I heard what he was saying about what I wasn’t giving that he needed. Believing he would be doing the same for me. And for a while it seemed like it was working.

And secondly, there really were no consequences for him. Not that him being a narcissist it would of really made a difference. I thought asking him to end the affair, him doing (saying) that he did was a consequence. It should be a given not thought of as a consequence. But you know I really wasn’t thinking clearly those first few weeks. Getting through a day without crying and a new discovery took everything I had. Oh that and trying to be a better wife. I thought that’s what he wanted. That’s what I heard when we had talked. Those few times that I was allowed to bring the subject up.

I would initiate a discussion about our circumstances (which he never wanted to do, but did so a couple of times reluctantly) and I would get these non-apologies, twisted blaming and projecting his bad behaviors back to me. Don’t get me wrong I’m no angel, I have done some pretty crappy things in this relationship as well (not infidelity). He is the one that is the emotional abuser but still cannot, will not, refuses to see that!! But I always have owned my mistakes, took responsibility for my actions or in-actions. Him, Hell I can’t think of a time that he didn’t think that I was responsible every thing wrong in our relationship. It is a classic example of projecting everything that he sees as wrong in our marriage as only coming from me. Unable to see any wrong doing on his part WHATSOEVER!!

So while I tried to forgive him I realize now I am holding a grudge against him. He has inflicted emotional abuse on me for a very long time and this affair is just coup d’grau for his sick little mind. Yes his perfectly charming, twisted emotional abuse, it eats you alive. I have zero trust in him. I know that he doesn’t follow through on things he says to me, even though the outcome is detrimental to him as well. (Like refinancing the house because we have a terrible interest rate, he just refuses to make it happen.) Doesn’t he realize that when he doesn’t keep his promises he is telling me he simply doesn’t care. I mean if he can’t or won’t change his mind why is being honest about it so bad.

Yes if he is using this past year as a way to make me leave this marriage (because he is a coward and won’t do it himself) then I’ll have to say he is doing a fine job of it. Because like the song by Lifehouse says:

Halfway Gone
I’m halfway gone

You were always hard to hold
So letting go aint easy
I’m hanging on you’re growing cold
While my mind is leaving

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
‘Cause I’m halfway gone and I’m on my way
And I’m feeling, feelin, feelin this way
‘Cause your halfway in but don’t take too long
‘Cause I’m halfway gone, halfway gone

Do I know what I am going to do yet? No not yet, but I have hired the private investigator and before too long the truth will be set free. Then I have what I need to confront him, even though I don’t think it will make a difference. His eyes are shut, and I don’t think he wants to open them. Too bad he’s gonna loose a DAMN GOOD WOMAN!!

http:www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2013/07/22/affair-forgiveness