When the mask of sanity has slipped

As I sat down last night to begin this post I realized that being New Years Day meant that this blog is turning one year old. Happy birthday dear blog- we’ve been together long enough to say I’m in a relationship with you. In reality it’s pretty sad that in a years time so many unanswered questions still remain regarding my husband, my marriage, and my life. Here’s to 2015 bringing each of us closer to our goals (whatever they may be) and moving forward in our lives!!

dilemma- defined as perplexing,

Yes I still find myself facing my dilemma. Should I stay or should I go?? I really don’t feel that it’s too difficult to see the correct move- (yes I know it’s time to go) still doesn’t make this any easier to actually do. I mean once I begin this process, there’s no turning back. Just can’t undo a divorce once completed, it is so FINAL. Or is it really? I can answer that one, and it’s not what you think.

Remember back to the story of my sister who divorced her husband of 25 years, for another man that she knew since high school. Ended up marrying a different guy that she meet on the internet, after just over a year he tells her not working for him (what he said was “you’re sucking the life out of me” and they start divorce. Meanwhile her ex, broke up with the gal he had been seeing so my Mom starts playing matchmaker to get them back together again and on Dec. 18th the got married again! I know fucking unbelievable!!! While I’m happy for them (I guess) doesn’t make what I’m preparing to do any easier. Considering she (& H) are the ones to introduce me to my husband. Thank-you dear Sister.

I mean WTF she realizes that no one out there is going to treat her the way her H did and after marrying and divorcing someone else she gets to waltz right back into her happy life that she walked away from, no apparent consequences – got a brand new big ring and everything- what a spoiled fucking bitch! I know she’s my sister and all but I don’t think she knows how lucky she really is to get a second chance with the man she loved all along.

There’s no such second chance for me. I thought that I was getting that when we decided not to split up after d-day. I was so dis-illusioned thinking it all could be mended. That he realized the err of his way and was choosing me. But that’s not reality, not in my case, nope not at all. Mine is a pretty crappy poker hand, one of those that no matter which way you play it still is not the winner you’ve always dreamed of . No mine has become the choice of “which is the lesser of two evils?” Which will bring me happiness?? In all honesty, neither one is the answer I would choose but unfortuntly, there is no door #3.

So I’ve made consultation appointments with 3 lawyers- got to find a good one with experience in emotional/covert abuse and I mentally prepare to tell him what I’ve decided. He is not going to understand, not going to “get” why I choose this. Hell I still don’t believe it. Being backed into a position that forces me to make a choice. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I know that this is NOT what I would choose had He honestly committed to working on this marriage not just the lip service I was given. I know from the outside looking in we appear happy. Tahoe and the holidays were good- enjoyed myself (for the most part). It was the first white Christmas we ever had. THAT was simply spectacular. Watching the snow fall on Christmas Eve. Surrounded by my Sons, and Husband and in-laws. All laughing and smiling, everything seems so normal. as it should be, and then when I pause I realize it’s not reality. …it looks like it except…

…Except, except for the fact that he continues to cheat on me. Or whatever he’s up to… doesn’t really matter now anyway. He’s hiding something(s) from me. Throughout our entire vacation and even shortly after midnight on New Years Eve- he either texted or talked to “her”. I mean really, are you that obsessed with her that EVERY FUCKING DAY of our vacation your priority is that you must have daily contact with the whore! If you love her that damn much, be a man, and go be with her, I mean honestly who does he think he is?? The funniest (if you could call it that) part is that I don’t think that he knows, that I know what he’s up to. That I’m just so gulliable that I won’t figure it out. He truly does not know me.

In the world of technology, smartphones now make it possible for these smucks to not have to get a second phone for their private connections to the underworld. Yes one now has the capability of going behind a wall and conducting any type of business, hook up, whatever, completely undetectable. Or so he thinks. I know he regularly logs-in to an att passthrough account, allowing the usage of fake IP addresses, giving him the undetectable access he needs. I may not know exactly what he is doing but he is MOST DEFINITELY up to something.

At this point it really doesn’t even matter what it exactly is, but more that he continues to be deceptive and hide things from me. I mean it’s pretty obvious that he wants cake and gorge on it too. I know I cannot change him or expect him to change for ME! It would have to come from him. He makes it apparent what HIS choices are. I don’t think he even wants another chance. I think a years time is enough, to demonstrate if he is sincere about the things he’s been saying. For me to witness if his actions speak as loudly as his words do. They do. In as much of what they don’t say, as much as what they do.

Sure I can stay in this “looks like a happy marriage” but I would have to accept that his behavior wont change- (there are (at least) three of us in this relationship triangle of a marriage, if I don’t count his job). Seriously there’s not enough of him to go around, and I don’t want whatever he has left to give after everyone else gets their shares first. I deserve better than that. And I don’t mean just being friendly, cordial and acting lovingly sometimes. I mean I want a husband who wants ME! WANTS ME FIRST!!-CHOOSES ME AS HIS PRIORITY IN LIFE!!! Not like some reheated leftovers from the frig-YUCK!!

I realize if I stay I will have to accept his behavior as is. and I’m just not willing to do that anymore. All the other “crap” in our relationship I could probably deal with, but the continued cheating and lying are the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I will not stay where I am not loved and valued- as I am -as his first and the only one he chooses (not dependant on outside sources to make him feel complete).

I have to keep telling myself what the “goal” is now, so I don’t end up a battery operated stepford wife. The “perks” no longer seem worth the cost as I really see him for who he is and has been (all along). Not the knight with a polished suit of armour. That is only worn for the grooming of new victims. No, lucky me I get the real him with all the cracks and tears that a lifetime of deception has created. I must say he is extremely good at it, covering the cracks so most will never see them. Giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. But holding on to what??

The pipedream that the two of us will (still) grow old together, enjoy retirement, our grandkids and all the things we’ve worked so hard to achieve in over 23 years. Nope I will have ruined it all. When it all slips away (in his eyes) it will be my fault once again. Won’t understand why I walked out of a perfectly good marriage. It will be because of the nonsense I’ve read on the internet- it’s corrupting my mind, if you believe anything he says.

Will I miss him? Will I regret my choice? Most likely, there will be days of regret. I understand that, hell I have regret now about some of the choices I’ve made. So to answer my own question…YES, in some ways I know I will experience regret. Because in all honesty, he is not as “bad” as many of the psychopaths out there. Doesn’t hit me, or any other physical abuse. But it’s not a full life when like he barely tolerates me, like I’m lucky that he stays with me. He doesn’t call me foul names, but undermines discreetly, all the while smiling like the most caring person in the world. He keeps me in a fairly comfortable life (he has a good job, we live in a nice home, I never worry about when my family will eat, or have nice things. We travel and do many things that some may never get the opportunity, it’s a somewhat normal middle class life.) On New Years Eve, we had prime rib for dinner, partied & danced the night away with friends at the lodge. He can be so damned nice and caring and pleasant a good portion of the time that it is difficult accept just how unhealthy my marriage really is…but it is!

Once I am divorced I no longer have a companion on this journey of life. It will just be me- alone. Now the third wheel when out with other coupled friends. No longer a sex partner who knows my body and how to please me. No one to take care of me when I’m sick or to sit on the couch in the evening watching tv together. At family get-togethers I’ll be the one sister without a husband. My husband, the one who is the best fixer of broken things (except himself and relationships) he is SOOO good at fixing “things”. I will be giving up many “good things”. So many that I must continually remind myself of the ways he has abused/neglected me and our marriage for a very long time. So many that this is probably the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. BUT I WILL NOT, CAN NOT ACCEPT A HUSBAND WHO CONTINUES IS UNFAITHFUL TO ME!!

They say narcissists wear the mask of sanity. Some wear it better than others. The true masters are expert manipulators while fooling EVERYONE around them…for a while. Once that mask slips, it is difficult to reattach firmly. Oh dear Husband, your mask has slipped, here let me hold it for you just a little while longer.