It’s Time for a NEW UNDERSTANDING (when it comes to cell phones and relationships)

Even though I am on a positive track with my husband, it does not mean I have given up sharing any and all that I have learned in the hopes of preventing any type of abuse AND infidelity in relationships and marriages.  As many of you know the pain from abuse and/or infidelity is deep, intense and takes a long time to even begin to subside.  Knowledge is power.  If we only knew then what we know now.  So I will continue to post about my life and progress as well as pertinent information that I feel is worthy of sharing.  The key is to be able to reach those (somehow) that have not been hurt by a cheating spouse.  So if you have any thoughts on how to achieve that please share.  I think this next post is a very important message to get out there.  Read on…..

Technology and Relationships;  New Age, New Rules, A New Understanding 

How did you discover your spouse’s infidelity?  A cell phone?  Did they think that they were doing nothing wrong because they only communicated on a cell phone?  What is the one thing that has increased the ease to which people can partake in secret activities? The cell phone or more specifically a smartphone and the internet.  Studies are starting to show the negative effective technology is having on how connections are formed (or changed) due to the effects of utilizing this technology in our daily lives.  Hell it’s a requirement to be plugged in, in today’s workforce otherwise your kinda left behind. Like it or not this technology catapults us into the a new age of relationships and we must be aware it’s effects on our personal relationships.

Dr. Joseph Nowinski Ph.D. states in his article “Internet Infidelity When a Poke is more than a Poke”

“Researchers have begun to investigate the phenomenon of internet infidelity and some of this research is very informative, especially since it appears to confirm that infidelity is infidelity regardless of how it starts or where it leads to.”

If your spouse felt like they were doing nothing wrong because they hadn’t met in person. Then it’s probably time to talk about unacceptable behavior and cellphones and the internet.

Others studies looked further into this new arena and were surprised to find how the using a cellphone on a regular basis in normal day to day activities is actually changing how our brains make connections in relationships and the modified ways in which forming these connections is being printed in our brains.

In the article titled “Is your Smartphone Making You Dumb” by Ron Friedman Ph.D.  He states:

“Even when our phones sit perfectly still, simply having it in our peripheral vision tempts us to split our attention, leaving us with less mental firepower for our work.  But it’s not just our problem solving execution that suffers: A University of Essex study found that the presence of a cellphone interferes with our ability to form close interpersonal connections.”

What this means to me is that it’s time for some new rules when it comes to technology in your personal and professional lives.  If your spouse basically thought they weren’t doing anything wrong because they never met in person then maybe it’s time for a talk (after your read these articles) with your partner, friends and families about how this “change” can have detrimental effects on us.  If we ignore new understanding of what cellphone usage can do to us and our relationships, I think we will definitely see a rise in emotional infidelity.  There are plenty of other articles about what happens when our smartphones become smarter than us, too many to list  – just google it !

I feel like it’s to the point where you have got to decide with your partner what is acceptable and what is not.  Can they talk to old flames casually?  What topics are okay and what is not? How much transparency is needed in cellular activity? What work activity is a cover up for something else?  Considering how EASY it is to go incognito where everything is private and unseen,  what is your level of comfort with what they do share as the whole truth? What are your thoughts? How has a cellphone effected your relationships personal or professional?

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5 thoughts on “It’s Time for a NEW UNDERSTANDING (when it comes to cell phones and relationships)

  1. chely5150 says:

    The point I was attempting to make (despite hard evidence to support), is that MY OBSERVATION/OPINION is that we will see an increase in the number of “hook ups” between those who are technically unavailable to persue another (married or committed to another). I think it’s a matter of time. I did not say that I was trying to keep my spouse away from opposite sex (or same if gay), that would be unrealistic and not normal. More that due to ever changing technology and the ease of using such in an affair, makes it a topic that should be discussed by couples so to have an understanding about it’s usage in this day and age. Having this TALK beforehand just might prevent an affair from causing the pain of trying to survive infidelity. Just my opinion, and a suggestion for couples to address this (possibly) sticky circumstances.

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  2. Interesting topic. I’m of two minds on this. Certainly modern technology has definitely assisted people in finding affair partners, conducting the affair, and concealing it. But what I’ve also read is that the infidelity rate really hasn’t changed since the 1980s (except that women cheat more than they used to and at about the same rate as men now). So although technology has made it easier to find and conduct an affair, it apparently hasn’t had much effect on the rate of infidelity.

    I had a similar thought a year or so ago when I wrote something in response to several search engine topics that led people to my site which essentially opined that facebook “caused” their spouse to have an affair.

    https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/facebook-caused-my-spouse-to-cheat-and-leave-me/

    I think it’s a bit chicken and egg. There’s a difference between how the affair is conducted and why the affair occurred.

    but I agree that there should be at least a mutual understanding of what is appropriate use of technology and what is not. What constitutes “cheating” and what does not (and often couples do not agree on this). I think like anything in a relationship, you need to come to some agreement on these important questions or you are headed for trouble.

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    • chely5150 says:

      It is indeed a topic that deserves attention by all who use cell phones, not just our spouses but our children’s phone activity as well. While surveys have yet to demonstrate how cell phones have increased infidelity, I think it’s just a matter of time before those results do start showing up. Whether there’s an actual increase or not, there are enough who have suffered due to infidelity (both wandering and betrayed) that it will be an important subject for a long time to come and something that people should talk about-hopefully before any problems arise. It’s really hard to get to a point of trusting after infidelity and cell phones exacerbate this as well. Thank-you for taking the time to read and comment. I did not mean to imply that cell phones cause infidelity simply that once someone makes that choice technology makes it easier for someone to keep secrets about their behavior. Any type of behavior, not just infidelity can be hidden so easily. You raise an interesting point about the differences of why and how cheating is carried out. No doubt the secrecy that cell phones affords, deserves further consideration. Talking with your spouse BEFORE any problems may occur is the key to preventing any problems of any kind in one’s relationship.

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    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks for your comment. I apologize for the delay in responding, I needed a break from the subject of infidelity, it’s fallout and the emotions of myself and others in response to dealing with it. Yes it could be looked at as a chicken and egg situation. But my take is slightly different. I hope it didn’t seem that I was saying that technology causes someone to have an affair, it is simply the tool that one can use to facilitate such . I think that it is more that it presents much more opportunity for those either “looking” for an affair, but it also places some innocently (in the beginning anyway) in a position too close to that slippery slope, Standing that close to the edge the “privacy” (that is easily utilized) offered by technology is the little push that some receive from using social media. They say if you wouldn’t want your spouse/partner to see it then it probably crosses the line. I also think it is something also to be looked at in terms of male/female friendships, what is acceptable and what is not. In some ways this may have to be worked out between couples individually. Sounds like a topic for an interesting post. Bottom line: it is now another thing you have to consider and deal with in terms of relationships, friendships and infidelity. I enjoyed your article gives a bit different take than mine but I think the points made by both are valid.

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      • still don’t quite buy that. If your spouse is going to cheat, it doesn’t matter what tools they have at their disposal. And I don’t think that electronic means make somebody choose to cheat that otherwise would not. how do I know? Because everything I read says that the infidelity race has not really changed much in decades even before the Internet. It’s just the latest means of facilitating it. But your spouse still has to choose to do it. If somebody dropped a box of crack cocaine on my doorstep every day for a year, my wife still wouldn’t smoke it. I guess that’s kind of the way I look at it. If one has to keep their spouse away from all members of the opposite sex, electronic or otherwise in order to keep them faithful, then you really don’t have a faithful partner anyway

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