WHY? WHY? WHY?

No, No not that why question. You most likely thought the why question was “why did my spouse cheat on me?”,
but that’s not the question that has troubled me. Although that question will be asked by betrayed spouses over and over again. While knowing why is important to (hopefully) prevent further infidelity, to a certain extent it doesn’t really matter to me why he chose to pursue an affair, HE DID and I can’t change that, undo that. All the answers to why CANNOT change what has taken place.

No, the “why” question that has plagued me for months is; why despite remaining together and somewhat improving our relationship do I (most of the time) still feel awful inside? Is this as good as it gets? Why do I not heal from this so I can move forward in my marriage?

I have come to the conclusion that because H refuses to participate in our healing and recovery so we can move past this infidelity, there are needs that I have, that continue to go unmet. What I finally realize is this: knowing that him being a narcissist he will never accept responsibility for his actions. So by default he can’t give me what I need, really need to heal. So I just go along day to day wondering, if we can still get along why won’t these feelings just subside???? I mean it’s kinda of a dread, we are still together but it just doesn’t feel like I thought it would- open, honest and real healing to a relationship that as always been less than perfect. My mind and heart will have to accept that I will never get the answers I want from him. I don’t believe that he wants an open, honest marriage, where we work together to achieve our goals. HE THINKS that is what he wants, but I’m not sure he could ever relinquish control of any of it. It’s all about power, money and the image he projects to others. I just don’t think I can live with that. Live with the feelings of it just being off forever, that this is it!

I hate feeling crappy continuously. When these negative feelings persist and don’t subside eventually, I have to ask myself “Am I missing something here”? “Am I not listening to the life lesson found here?”. In his article “Beyond happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down” Matthew Hudson describes it like this;

“Negative emotions do us a great favor-they save us from ourselves. They’re signals urging us to change what we’re doing-and are actually necessary for feeling good. Each component of every emotion has a critical job to do, whether it’s preparing us to move toward what we want, improve our standing or undo a social gaffe. Emotions are internal means pushing us forward to goals that are important, even if we don’t recognize them.”

This article gave me that second a-ha! moment that I wrote about in an earlier post. I was still experiencing these negative emotions because I’m not paying attention to the message I need to grasp.
Disappointment,shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, anxiety, regret, remorse, envy, jealousy, fear, sadness and grief all serve a purpose in helping us grow as individuals. I’m beginning to get the picture here. I’ve got to make some changes in my life.

After discovery of H affair, staying together, I thought we would make changes in our relationship. Can’t do things the same and expect them to get better. But I don’t see him doing the hard stuff, the things I need to see and hear from him to move past his infidelity (regret, remorse, shame, guilt,answers, understanding how he has traumatized me) I was disappointed but continued to try my best. This became blatantly clear and soon began to make me angry. Anger grows when we feel undervalued.

“The frustration of devaluation that leads to anger quite often is the tool to get you what you want” describes Hudson. I also feel fear, fear never being respected or appreciated for who I am. Fear of not being able to save my marriage, of being discarded and being alone, never to share love again before the end of my days. Hudson goes on to say “Fears that cannot be addressed turn into anxiety. Anxiety can point the right direction when we aren’t living true to ourselves”.

Our marriage has always been dysfunctional, even from the beginning. But we loved each other and the sex has/had always been good. If in 20+ years if nothing has really ever changed, I needed to realize that it most likely NEVER WILL. I know there are things that I need to work on changing, within myself. But I feel so stifled in this relationship, never permitted to be who I am, that I haven’t done some of my own hard work. If I am ever to see the wonderful, lovable, kind and caring woman that is me, flaws and all, then I need to listen to what my emotions are trying to tell me. Ans as I begin to realize that this marriage will not really change,I don’t think H has no desire to. I mean I think he wants a better relationship between us but He will not want to open up the darkside of Himself. He absolutely is unable to address any issues of his own. Since I control no one but myself, I can’t make him change if doesn’t choose it for him self.

I get this part, it is time for us to seek what we need-but the answer may be that it lies some place else. Unless something changes once we TALK, it’s a sad fact but our time together has probably come to a close. It is an uncomfortable feeling, SAD? yes I am sad. MAD?, no not so much. I know I will grieve and despite everything always hold a special place in my heart. I think I could do this without anger or hard feelings. I don’t blame anyone, either one of us. We tried the best we could, for longer than we should have.

The affair happened because we should of separated years ago. After sticking it out so long I had decided if I was staying I had to try to make it better. And it was working (I thought) until my discovery that awful morning in September. The date that no betrayed spouse EVER forgets.

The affair, oh that one is ALL ON HIM. It was a thoughtless, selfish, fucked up thing to do to someone you say you love. He has abused me, in the most covert, loving fashion possible for close to 20 years. I knew I was right when I left him 15 years ago. I made a mistake coming back. Once I’m outta here I WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.

Please don’t misunderstand my message here. I am not telling everyone that they should end their marriage or relationship. I do believe that some marriages can be saved, mine is not one of them. It’s okay though I want to feel ALIVE AGAIN and to never walk on eggshells again!!! Or to NEVER, EVER have to ask myself WHY do I let a man treat me this way?

Check out Matthew Hudson’s article Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down it’s the Jan 2015 issue feature article. So that maybe you don’t always ask yourself Why do I feel this way?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s