What do you wish for? A big house? Car? Success in your career? Maybe a healthy family? A happy marriage? A husband that is faithful? Sounds good right? It is most likely that you know about the darker side of wishes, as in “Be careful what you wish for?” Yes there is much wisdom in that phrase. Because wishes can come true and yet the result might NOT be all roses and sunshine. What have I wished for recently?
Lately one of my biggest wishes is to know the truth regarding my husbands affair/s. To get answers to questions I’ve had for over a year. Answers to new questions that have developed due to the trickle down (or I call trickle out because NO INFORMATION comes from his lips) evidence that continues to pop-up. It continues to try to drive me crazy. It would be easy to succumb to the pain and trauma that not having the answers causes me. I had to do something. be I wished for those answers.
Being unable to uncover the truth myself, I know I need help. I Can’t do this alone anymore. I won’t keep this secret any longer. So I did two things. I decided that I was going to hire a private investigator and I needed to tell my Mom and Step-Dad because I needed their help, both emotionally and financially.
I was extremely nervous- how do you walk in and share something as big as infidelity when you’ve been pretending nothing was wrong all this time? I should of realized that their love and support was a given. But the years of crazy making, married to a Narcissist makes you second guess everything in your life. Just having a plan was helping me feel better. I felt I wouldn’t have to be in this limbo land forever. I would finally get some truth, some answers. I would no longer be treated like a mushroom, you know kept in the dark and fed nothing but bullshit. Maybe my luck was changing. I felt so much better with a plan of action.
As I was setting up the appointment with the PI, and compiling the evidence that I did have, I began to think about how I felt about hiring the PI? A part of me is feeling elated, (after months & months of feeling so lost, alone and confused I feel like i’d never know the truth). It felt good to take some of my power back. I would not be the doormat to his bakery any longer. But then I started to feel kinda funny, almost sick to my stomach as I wrapped my mind around what would be happening. I was going to get the answers i needed but I also was going to have to hear the truth. It was probably going to be things that I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR. My suspicions would most likely be confirmed and I would then have to ACCEPT THE TRUTH. That my husband was the one of the worst cheaters around. A narcissistic, personality disordered, sex addict, charming & successful BASTARD. OMG! Am I really ready to know the truth? Am I as strong as I like to believe/pretend that I am? Can I handle it? Will it make me feel better or worse? Not sure! Oh no I’m going to have to hear the truth. I’m starting to feel sick again, like I said before:
Be careful what you wish for? Your wish just might come true
He's now my Knight in " NOT SO SHINING" armour 
K thx – almost to my grandkids house -visiting for weekend (they live a distance away from me) -so wont be home til tomorrow😉
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Hello,
I’ve been reading your blog and find that our situations are so similar. Our 30 year anniversary will be 12/28/2014. My husband is also a verbally abusive, narcissist. His most reason affair lasted 5 years. Ive talked to the slut involved and asked a million questions of both of them. I’ve heard lie after lie until its impossible to truly feel my questions have been answered. This is destroying me emotionally. At times I think of new questions and then I’m afraid the answer may be more than I can handle. Other times my questions only lead to huge arguments accompanied by an onslaught of verbal attacks and gasligting, meant to confuse my thoughts even more. What a nightmare and I’m so sorry you are also going through this. Living with this type of man takes a toll on us, both emotionally and physically. Even though my husband sees the turmoil it has caused in me, sometimes I think its nothing more than another source of narcissistic supply for him.
I find that, in a way, we know whether we can withstand hearing more painful truths or not. When the Private Investigator has some answers, I believe you will know whether you are ready to hear his findings or maybe you need to hold off, a little while, until you know that you are prepared to hear it..
Praying for you, Lisa
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Hi Lisa, Thanks for taking the time to comment. Having someone who can relate to your story does help. I wish it wasn’t under these terrible circumstances that leads us all to find one another. Yes living with a narcissistic spouse is a challenge to say the least. When their actions don’t match their words for quite a while you start feel like your being played, but without that concrete proof how do you call them on it? Everyday going just a little bit more crazy, (however I have learned not to allow him to see it because it IS SUPPLY for them, seeing us going nuts) never knowing the truth. As much as I dread hearing whatever it is that PI finds, I know I must or I won’t be able to move forward. Living in limbo sucks, I was always saying either direction (together or apart) but I’ve been trying to prepare myself to let go, that I’m actually starting to lean towards moving on to a new life, it’s becoming more appealing to me all the time. I want to be happy again, not with anyone for quite a while just to have a positive outlook again will feel sooo good. Maybe my mind is just working overtime and I’m wrong about it all of it but truthfully I doubt it. It’s scary because as much as you want to know, you also don’t want to know. It’s totally nerve wracking. I hope that each day is better for you as well. Do you have a blog? Have I read you already? If you don’t you’re welcome to come here and share and comment always. Take care- chely
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Chely, I hope you find the strength to either move forward seeking the truth, or move forward with the information you have, because keeping things the way they are might be even more painful. How did it go with the parents? Did they have any insight/advice?
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oh my god! the mushroom!
i know how you feel regarding the PI, wanting to know, until very recently, the thought still crossed my mind from time to time… my situation is different, however i still went through the whole, do i? dont i? do i really want to deal? is it wrong to keep my head in the sand… and so on…
perhaps keep it on the hook for a bit, it cant really uncover much of the past can it? but if you notice things getting strange again?
telling mum and sdad went good then? glad 😀
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Yeah I started to think that maybe I should just go with what I already have (evidence) and not spend the money on PI. But the more I thought about it, I kinda felt like i had to know, especially since he has never admitted to seeing her or sleeping with her at all. Still denies it, so I felt like knowing the truth would make it easier for me to get some sort of closure to all of this. Your right there’s not much in the way of past information that he can gather, more possibly verify some suspicions with facts. It went well with Mom &SD. I didn’t want to tell them too much – just in case i’m actually wrong. I kinda had to psych myself up so I felt upset when I went in. Having a teary eye look on my face, mom asks is something wrong? Then I burst into tears, she says oh yes somethings wrong, comes over to hug me and I explain that alittle over a year I discovered his affair, we were working on it and he had ended it, but that I felt like he was at it again. At first she wanted to be with me to talk to him some about it. But I had to nix that, I just think that would make it worse. I explained a few things about emotional abuse and how his job makes it so easy for him. I told her if he didn’t love me then we should split but he said no wants to make it work. But after a year -I don’t feel like his hearts in it (cheaper to keep her) and that I cannot move forward either direction without knowing. She basically said anything, anything at all she would do whatever I needed to get the truth. But then my sister showed up (not the one i’ve written about before) so we had to end our conversation. I just said quietly don’t tell anyone else right now. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her again. Relatives from out of town showed up because of upcoming holiday. But I didn’t getinto the depth of what I suspect. If the evidence proves me correct then it will all come out anyway and if wrong I don’t want to burden her with unfounded (pretty bad ) theories. I almost chickened out because I wasn’t sure how she would react (Like if I did divorce I might be a financial strain on her until a divorce settlement as he controls all the money. But she was great and was surprised as well she said “No, not your husband”. I can imagine what she will say if truth is uncovered. Thanks for your support- it is so appreciated!!
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Happy Thanksgiving to you. I’ve started a blog but I haven’t made it public yet. This morning I’ve been reading more of yours and I can’t believe how similar our lives are. I would really like to communicate, via email, with you. Sometimes I really need to talk but not many people understand what my life is like and the issues I deal with.
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Happy belated Turkey day to you , Lisa. I’m happy to hear that you started blogging. It is a wonderful therap
Hugs chely
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Hoping you had a good day!
Lisa
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Hi Lisa – yes I had a pretty good day. How ’bout you? Here’s my e-mail :
E-mail me anytime -going black friday shopping now – hope the early shoppers left me some items. LOL chely
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Sent you a short email. Let me know if you found some good deals shopping. Hope you are having a blast!
We are doing Thanksgiving today. I will write more this evening.
Lisa
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I just did.
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Hi Lisa- did you get my e-mail yet? Let me know please.
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