Don’t struggle, remember it’s quiksand!

I hate this feeling of being stuck. Not in the manner that I am stuck in this relationship because I know I am not. I do possess the capability of leaving/divorcing my husband (the strength I occasionally question but not the option to do so) if I choose, just as he could at any time as well. But here’s the bigger meaning of “stuck” in relation to me at the moment, stuck as in unable to progress.

And I realize that part of the reason just may be that I approached this reconciliation all wrong, forgave him TOO soon, before I had even processed and dealt with any of the emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But then again who would blame me. When d-day happens and you think you now see the problem and try your best to deal with it, you have limited knowledge of what is really transpiring, so you do what you feel you must do to make through those awful agonizing days and weeks following discovery. Sometimes the choices are positive or good and others although thought of as a good choice may over time come to be not so wise choices. Pretty sure thats why they say make NO DECISIONS when your in the throes of initial trauma.

I’ve gone through this last year wondering why? Not why did this happen? No that’s not it at all. It’s “why did I forgive him so easily”? This man who has deceived me (most likely) our entire marriage. He is not well, physically, emotionally or spiritually. It may not be his fault, but it is his to possess as an adult. It is who he is, a man who had an upbringing that wounded his soul, who must now do anything and everything to make himself feel good, feel alive. It is sick and it made him personality disordered. But it is who he is even if I don’t think he realizes it. He has worked so hard all his life at keeping that mask on and making it look perfect that he no longer possess perspective of himself or his behavior.

If you listen to my words as a reader, I would think, “well sounds like you’ve answered your own question girl, just leave him, what’s the problem?”. And my answer to that would be my heart! Because despite being in an emotionally abusive marriage and discovering infidelity, I most likely you still love the man I married (hate him now as well but i think most understand what I mean). The man in front of me now is not the man I married. I know that now. I know that I only know a small bit about him but in spite of all that has happened I can’t quite throw in the towel. Call it Stockholm syndrome or whatever you wish I think most betrayed spouses don’t really want their marriage to end. Im no different. I’ve spent almost 23 years of my life beside this man- I just don’t stand up and walk out when the problems come to surface. So I try and He tries but I don’t think either one of us is giving what the other needs. I’m starting to see how that may never happen.

I’ve really been struggling these last couple of months first having the one year d-day milestone (not that the actual day bugged me just knowing how much time has passed). And secondly the lack of intimacy between us. I don’t mean sex in reference to intimacy as used here, more as I’ve never felt further from him than I do right at this moment. Oh don’t get me wrong, he knows how to do it, make it appear that we are more intimate together. We do things together, we have (almost weekly) a date night, he calls when he’s supposed to without fail, generally greet and hug and are pleasant to one another, we even have sex. But there is no closeness growing between us, as a matter of fact I would say the distance is increasing at least for me it is.

I think the biggest indicator for me is when I realized I no longer really desire to have sex with him. He’s just not turning me on at all. I don’t think I like him much anymore And I’m sure it comes from his lack of REALLY wanting a better marriage, nope he wants things just the way they were. I think that he likes the protection “a wife and family” bring him. He looks like the hard working upstanding man, everyone thinks wonders of him, and we are the perfect scapegoat for the lies and alibis that he uses to deceive them as well. Has to leave work because “my wife is real sick”. Can’t commit to an affair partner because of the “bitch wife at home”. Has no money to spend because his “kids suck him dry”. I can only imagine the things he has said about us through the years

He has improved his game somewhat so to speak, no longer carelessly leaves his receipts and the paper trail that was pretty easy to find before. So I don’t know if he’s just playing games or what but it’s time for the truth to come out. If what I recently have added up, pans out then the discussion is over anyway. I will not celebrate (falsely) a 20 year anniversary milestone with him. I have only a little over two months until that day. I can wait no longer I’ve decided to hire a private investigator. I have to ask my step-dad for the money. I’m nervous because i cant ask to borrow the money – i don’t know when i will ever be able to pay it back, so I’m hoping he will just help me. I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone but I’d rather be honest with him than deceive him into thinking I could pay him at a given time. So wish me luck i’m headed over there now.

I don’t want to feel stuck anymore, it’s like living in quiksand half -in, half -out of the real world. Stuck unable to move. I don’t want to feel stuck anymore.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Don’t struggle, remember it’s quiksand!

  1. CrazyKat1963 says:

    I know your feelings all too well. Although my husband is with me most of the time and otherwise checking in and I do still love him and desire him, if I thought he was still hiding affairs and lying, I know I would feel just like you and I would find the truth. The best way is for him to come clean. Having the answers is so critical to your healing. I know I still need to go back and read more of your blog… is your husband in therapy? It is so difficult for them to break out of the old habits by themselves, especially if they cannot be honest with themselves. My husband can make it look good, but now I know what to look for, his issues (addiction) hide deep inside his soul. The addiction (or childhood wounds) is the illness, the acting out is just a symptom. Thinking of you.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      Thanks for your kind thoughts. Unfortunately he/we are currently not in therapy (together or individually). Although I’m sure I would benefit from time with a quality therapist. I think that is the key when it comes to any therapy, finding the appropriate one that you feel comfortable with. We have, in the past, tried several different therapists and while initially they seem to help, never could we find one that could take us to the next level, sometimes it even made things worse. I think the internet and it’s resources may be able to find a better match for him/us. Maybe it never really worked before because I didn’t know what the situation/problems really were. If much of what my gut and circumstantial evidence is true, then it will be time for him to start facing his reality. Or face the music because the lid is coming off very soon and I don’t think it’s gonna be pretty. I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts, having another to talk to that (unfortunately) understands the depth of betrayal ( years and years of this mess) that is experienced helps me to getup, think straight and have courage (even when losing hope) to go on, one day at a time. Thank-you so much for commenting.

      Like

      • CrazyKat1963 says:

        The internet does provide so much information and it sounds like it is helping you become stronger, certainly more knowledgeable about what is going on in your life. For your husband (in my humble opinion), however, it sounds like denial and there probably isn’t anything he can read on the internet or hear from you that will give him that wake up call. His cheating and behavior is about him, not you. As I have heard so many times, even if you have the worst marriage in the world, it is still not an excuse to cheat. It is an excuse to leave, if it can’t be worked out. His issues are deeper inside. He needs to be surrounded by men who have felt the way he does, done what he has done, and have healed. He will realize he doesn’t have to hide anymore behind excuses and lies and blame. There are lots of programs for this, but only when he has accepted his culpability. It is only after months of therapy (good and bad as you can see from my blog) and also my husband being in a 12 step group (which I fought, but now have accepted as a great tool for him) and me going to a seminar for betrayed spouses, that I have gotten this far. Every day is still a struggle, but I feel like we have made progress and I am getting my life back. I hope you can find your happiness. *hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

  2. pabloswife says:

    What is it with life 1 year past D Day? I’m feeling like you too… stuck!! Think I was so focused on getting thru the first year that I didn’t really put too much thought into what year 2 would look like. So far it’s pretty bland and lifeless to be honest and I’m beginning to wonder if this is it… if this is what the rest of my life will look like. Pretty depressing 😦

    Like

  3. chely5150 says:

    Thanks a hug is just what I needed -greatly appreciated.

    Like

    • chely5150 says:

      Yes I can totally relate to what your saying. I kinda figured that if we managed to stay together for the year that there would be an improvement in our relationship, you know real healing, recovery. But I feel farther from that than a year ago. It is depressing to think this is what i’m fighting for a mediocre relationship. Maybe the light at the OTHER end of the tunnel starts to look more appealing than it did at first. Too bad it doesn’t seem like mine is really interested in saving this. I think maybe he’s a coward and needs me to be the one to end it. He may just get his wish. I hope you see al more of the positive, fulfilling life (from P) that you deserve. Thanks for your comment _ I appreciate!

      Like

  4. I had an affair says:

    ::hugs:: Feeling stuck sucks

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s