Is it all nothing but an illusion?


ILLUSION:    a thing that is,  or likely to be,  or wrongly perceived,  or interpreted by the senses

Or should I begin with the power of illusion as my opening statement. I say that because to me (speaking in terms of relationships) illusion is the little brother of deception. He may be the little brother but he has a great deal of strength. As he is basically the older brother that is disguised by seductive letters. No matter what clothes he wears deep down it is still deception.

deception: (@ to mislead by false appearance or statement; delude OR
(@ the art of making someone believe something that is not true

Pertaining to relationships and marriage this illusion is called the fantasy bond. That is when two people are involved is what they “believe” is an intimate relationship when in reality it is nothing but an  “illusion”.  One or both partners play the part of “acting like” they are in a true intimate relationship.  But its actually a façade, a show for the outside world (and oneself you could say).  It is deception at a masquerade party.  I mean when you’ve been deceived like in infidelity for example, once discovery is made you can realize that you’ve been deceived (although it takes a long time to fathom and take it in). Where as if your relationship is a fantasy bond its like you’re mesmerized into believing that what you have is something good (illusion) but when in reality its a hoax, maybe the ultimate deception.

Boy if the news just doesn’t get better everyday. Each turn & twist of my yellow brick road brings new surprises and revelations. Could it actually be that all 19 years of my marriage (or what I called my marriage) was nothing but a fantasy? I can certainly see where there are parts, especially in our later years, that this phenomenon became my reality. But I can’t help but help but feel that it didn’t start out that way . When our failure to deal with our relationship trials and tribulations and you add personalities dealing with some sort of disorder — that  I can see how it could very easily take on fantasy bond symptoms.  I don’t believe either party intentionally desires this false state but due to upbringing and lifes’ experiences it becomes another coping mechanism.

Dr. Robert Firestone states in his article, “Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective AND at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional delimmea is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds , greatly reduce the possibility of couples achieving intimitacy”.

Think about the definition of deception here “mislead by false appearance”, “making someone believe something that is not true”. Ouch once again, reality can bite! I know I’ve spent many years in this state of relationship. Looking to the outside world to have a happy marriage and family, as well as convincing ourselves that all is well. I never really ever thought all is well. Can you say poster family for dysfunction. I don’t believe that any human would choose this but it becomes us when we don’t grow up in healthy families. OH MY POOR TWO BOYS!

With that said I also don’t believe that every shred and fiber of my marriage was nothing but fantasy bond. Even slipping between the two states during the course of time because as long as you (and/or partner) are striving for true intimitacy some of the moments are achieved. This in my opionion is the glue that holds two together during those periods that are filled with illusion (disappoiontment) or deception (betrayal). With enough of these positive interactions throughout the course of time is enough to hold you together. Whether that is good or bad would depend on individual circumstances.

As I’ve stated many times these words you read are my opinions and observations. I do not intend to diagnose or instruct anyone on how they should believe or act. Each circumstance is unique and personal. I simply and honestly share with you readers my genuine thoughts and emotions peppered with the sought out knowledge to assist in my goal of saving my marriage. Many may think me delusional, as I can be overly optimistic at times. But in my thoughts and actionbs I can only be ME and strive for what I believe/hope will be the best for the outcome I desire. I will stumble and I will fall and maybe even one day give up this journey. But it is my path to take and the consequences of these choices I will live. And that’s exactly the point no matter what happens I WILL LIVE!

Think about this concept as it pertains to your own situation. What do you think? The article by Dr. Firestone gives excellent suggestions about how to break through this this state of emotional limbo. Another good article on this topic is :


“you don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. This means only one thing for men in affairs: in betraying your significant other-you betray yourself and the essence of who you are.” S.C. Lewis


2 thoughts on “Is it all nothing but an illusion?

  1. chely5150 says:

    Thanks! I appreciate your comment. Simplicity ahh I think I remember what that was like… oh so long ago. Nobody ever warned me how much hard work this adult crap is!! Keep smiling!!


  2. InfiniteZip says:

    Good post my friend….I live life in illusion…gets me through….grrrrr….longing for simplicity. I am the unicorn tonight…..they don’t call it menapause for nothing….gives them pause….yet I get the rage…..glad to see you posting again”….:) 🙂


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