Towards the end of my post titled “Yellow Brick Road” I said something about being patient- a little patient. I must retract that statement. What I should of said was; you are going to need A LOT OF @$%@$ *&(*&^ )^$#*@# $%#^%& PATIENCE!!! In fact a whole truck load of it to survive his affair AND try to save your marriage, and oh yeah your sanity as well. Dammit my truck is Mattel sized- only big enough for Barbie and a little patience. That must be my problem. I can’t get enough patience in the bed of my truck! Right? well I guess, could I be wrong. I realize that I’m not a patient person. I like to see that my investments have the potential for dividends right away. Apparently what little patience I’ve demonstrated so far isn’t quite enough. Sometimes it’s never (oh no that word) never enough , or I should say there isn’t enough. MAYBE- I’ve had enough! NO, no, no girl -calm down! Here I go over-reacting again.
Let me back up just a little; My husband and I never separated after the discovery of his affair. So there was no “space” to speak of for “breathing”. At first things were good, obviously neither of us knew what to expect. I guess since we both said we wanted to try it would be easier than it is. But we stumbled along , and had sex for the (2nd) first time after four days. It wasn’t mind-blowing and it wasn’t awful – it just was. It did feel good to have him hold me in his arms and his naked flesh wrapped around me. Each day would seem a bit better, and then the step backwards. Patience girl this will take time. Slowly we progressed, forward and then back some, and then one day he just kinda changed again -zombieville like he was sooo sad, like someone died. PATIENCE REQUIRED HERE! Must check resources what is happening? I discovered that this is a fairly normal (whatever the hell that is) occurance. When the cheater finally breaks it off with affair partner, they feel as if a death has happened and they must grieve their loss. Oh Boy more patience! So I kept on doing the things that he had requested (those “me” things I had neglected) and it got better somewhat, however still only a little (mediocre) sex. This next change came in an unexpected form, he has begun to have panic/anxiety attacks. The kind where he thinks he might be dying. I realize that he is in a full blown mid-life crisis (you know wants a new sports car, furniture etc.) but I never expected this. It is so disappointing that it seems like the attacks come on only when he’s around me. Ouch! I need two more truck loads delivered right away. Now they are actually occurring more often, when he is working, driving etc. (In some ways i’m glad its not only when with me.)
In his article, Dr. Robert Firestone states that during a mid-life crisis (MLC) , due to receiving damage in basic feelings of themselves (in their early lives) it is difficult for them to offer or accept love. They are forced to hold onto this negative self image because to change would lead to anxiety. I believe that this is what is happening to my husband. Or the other (not so pleasant) option is he either is seeing HER again, OR has found a new source of narcisstic supply and feels extremely guilty or not!! Oh my head continues to spin. Where did I put that patience of mine?
If you have never been in a relationship (I pray you are not) or an immediate family member of a narcissist or passage/aggressive disordered person, some of the things I describe here may seem foreign to you. Like why I put up with his egotistcle, self-centered controlling and sometimes cruel personality? While he loves me , he hates me as well, for he believes I am the source of everything gone wrong in his life. Of course it’s me, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s perfect!! In his perfect internal world, everything and everyone must always focus on him, his suffering, his sacrifices, how hard he works and stressed they are. How happy or unhappy. Sometimes it’s enough to almost make me puke! Like he’s the only person in our family that matters. But have no fear I apply more patience from my 55-gallon drum. and I bite my tongue because I don’t want this marriage to end without fighting for it ONE MORE TIME! More patience required here! Excuse me but I gotta run down to the truck stop-got a big shipment of patience coming in- if you need some i’ll have to order more for you cuz I need all I can get!!
While reading up on what patience is or isn’t. I found the following paragraph in classical litititure of Hinduism in Wikipedia defintions:
“our conduct must always foster forebearance, one must patiently endure rude remarks because it delivers us to purity. If we are unjustly wronged by others, it is best to conquer our hurt with patience accept suffering and refrain from unrightous retaliation. It is good to patiently endure injury done to you but to forget them even better–just as Earth bears those who dig into her, one must with patience bear with those that despise us, and so on”.
So if you have any (patience) to spare please send it my way because I may be running out! And the procurement office is closed for the weekend!!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet”.