I should probably give you some background about the dynamics of my marriage. At the end of January we will be married 19 years. Many of those years were VERY unhappy, I tried to leave him twice- once when the boys were small (I took them with me) and second time when they were older (this time did not take the boys) but I was always seduced back into our home (or the concentration camp as I used to call it). But then as usual things never improved, so I didn’t leave again I just basically began shutting down, checking out of the real world to a point that after years I didn’t get dressed, clean house much, cook or do laundry. It was pretty sad! I barely went anywhere but I still felt like shit. After years of swearing that if I owned a gun I would’ve ended up on an episode of “snapped”, I decided that if I was going to stay married that I had to try and make it better. So began to get up ,get dressed and find something to occupy my time- it seemed like the only thing supposed to do is chores- and we got along a little better, so much so that even my mom noticed. Even so we had become soooo distant we still had sex but it was more like because I felt I had to “wifely duty and all”. I’d always known that he looked at some porn, sometimes we did together, and masturbating was common for us both. His way of initiating sex was to start masturbating to get me to come and join him. One day he hollars at me to come in and he’s doing it again but shows me his phone and he’s watching a video of a women doing herself. I wasn’t pleased I ‘m sure I kinda exploded “what the hell are you doing? is that all you think about anymore? if you want to have sex just come hug and kiss me! -You’re turning into a pervert like those dirty old men you see in movies. “OMG you aren’t going into chat rooms and hooking up with other women are you?”, of course the answer was no,” no way honey I wouldn’t do that”. So we dropped it. I didn’t really know what to say? But the rest of that day into the night my stomach didn’t feel right- it was really weird I find it hard to describe I suppose it was that little voice screaming at me .
The following morning, I realized that the whole video phone thing was bothering me, honestly him looking at porn never bothered me before, but this voice inside my head was screaming at me don’t believe it!!! I knew had to look, so I got his phone off the charger and began to investigate. I will tell you this is no easy task as he is a business professional with immense responsibilities and must speak with literally hundreds of employees and vendors within a week. Couldn’t really tell much as many were nameless, I proceeded to the text messages and there it was, a set of text messages of a sexual nature to someone, someone else -not me! I tell you what, my head began to spin, I couldn’t breathe, I felt as if there was no oxygen left in the world, my legs were trembling so bad, everything was spinning like that ride at the carnival that spins you round & round then the floor falls out- it felt like it would never stop!!!! How could he!! We had made a promise besides our wedding vows – he had asked that we never, ever cheat on one another- and I agreed. I realize now that what he said was “promise me you’ll never cheat on me” – I was just married and so in love I wasn’t paying that close of attention.
Anyway the point that i’m trying to get across is this: Even though at that moment your want to KILL or BEG or SCREAM or RUN or CRY or whatever emotion you’re feeling, it’s OK to FEEL it but DON’T REACT in the heat of it all with any hasty decisions. Give yourself enough time to process all of this try to just BREATHE! No one has ever made the best decision when their brains been so overwhelmed that it can’t think straight, and try not to go through this alone. I don’t mean get on the phone and call everyone you know to complain about that good-for-nothing SOB. I mean one very close friend (that is not the blabby type, I mean i have one very close friend, who I still have not told, because she is the type who just can’t not tell, you know what I mean they don’t really do it on purpose but they just can’t not tell someone. I only told one friend and then not even for two months, mostly because I didn’t know what I was going to do and I felt like I had no one to talk to. So that day I picked up my laptop, and between the tears and screams and breakdowns I had, I knew I had to find some hope in dealing with this nightmare. In the last four months I have become a novice/expert on cheating, infidelity, how to save (or put the spark back, or how not to fight or to divorce) in your marriage, lying and deception, passive-aggressive behavior, narcissism, I mean I have become an addict of sorts (which of course is a behavior of a co-dependant), so much so that I’ve been using up the battery on my laptop two-three times a day. Do I have all the answers? No way! Am I an expert? No way! (Do you love my new term a ‘novice/expert’ ?) But what I have become is very good at sorting through the many (oh so many) information sources and can quickly eliminate the crappy ones (or those only looking for money) and focus on true solid facts. The following are my top five in dealing with infidelity, affairs and cheating. And by far the best book that I’ve read is titled ‘Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass Ph.D. I have an actual physical copy and I’ve read it through 4 times and many sections over and over. Bottom line – Don’t rush into any decision, even if your spouse kinda makes one for you, they many times regret their decision, change their minds or spend too much second guessing that decision. It takes anywhere from between 1-2 years to really feel better and see changes that can be lasting. So please check out these sights and BREATHE!
If your emotional baggage gets to be too much to carry, I found this great site where someone will carry your bag for awhile with a song! Check it out- EMOTIOPNAL BAGGAGE CHECK http://emotionalbaggagecheck.com See my other favorite sites on infidelity at the links on menu.
I will carry emotional baggage for you all with the song “Breathe” 2am by anna nalick if anyone would loike acopy of the words I do have them i’m happy to share. See you manana chely5150